Marriage after cheating is too painful (a self-report of a cheating man)

Many times, we feel that the derailed party has committed a heinous crime, destroyed the family, betrayed the feelings, and brought irreparable harm to the derailed party. But for the derailed party, some people are suffering from unknown pain and helplessness. When a relationship goes wrong, no one is the real winner, and the cheating man will be hurt.

The following is the self-report of a derailed man, Mr. Feng (a pseudonym).

"It took me half my life to know what love is for the first time."

Cheating on a married woman is actually beyond my expectation and my step-by-step life planning.

My wife and I were introduced by acquaintances, and we almost got married. Now all our children are in middle school. We are each other's first love, and now we have been together for 20 years, which is plain and I am very satisfied.

Until three years ago, I met her at a friend's party. I didn't think so much at first, but I chatted occasionally, but I felt that three views were more suitable. I happen to like what she likes, and we understand each other's ideas.

Later, I fell in love with her. But it's tangled. I don't want to betray my wife She also has her family. Constrained by the sense of responsibility and moral consciousness, we get along carefully, but the relationship is getting closer and closer.

With her, I experienced the taste of love for the first time in my life. I didn't know what a sweet and happy experience love is, both physically and mentally. I feel very sorry again. I've never felt this way since I've been married to my wife for so long.

I'm not very romantic and I'm not very good at expressing myself, and neither is my wife. I try to earn money to support my family and make my wife not work too hard. This is my way of expressing my love, but she won't care about me, and I didn't tell her on my own initiative. Sometimes I am busy at work and at home, and I feel very tired.

But she's different. She is very understanding and considerate of me. I am relaxed with her, and life seems to be back to youth.

"As a cheating party, I have a lot of pain."

However, the happier I am with her, the more I feel guilty about my family, and I become vacillating. I can't make up my mind to break up completely, and I can't return to my family wholeheartedly.

We have been apart several times, but each time soon, I feel very painful and can't do anything. On and off like this ... it can be said that how much happiness I have tasted from derailment, how much pain I have experienced from derailment, and I am overwhelmed by my sense of responsibility and morality.

Finally, last year, I decided to end this hopeless affair, break up with her, and then voluntarily confessed this relationship to my wife. First, I asked her for forgiveness, and second, I hoped to cut off the back road with a third party.

When my wife learned of my infidelity, she cried and made a scene. I know I'm sorry for her. I let her beat and scold me and did a lot to make it up to her.

But my wife never forgave me. Her temperament has changed greatly, and the affair of cheating has become a mine at home. When she remembered it, she flew into a rage and accused me of my fault. It's not the same for me. I am much more vigilant and often doubt me.

Since then, I feel that our relationship is like a wall, and we can't go back to the past. The old home has fallen apart.

Saving 1 year is not acceptable. I am not only guilty, but also wronged. Her indifference and indifference to me over the years have also hurt me, but now it seems that she is the only one who has been greatly hurt. She didn't understand me from beginning to end.

Due to depression and frequent insomnia, my weight plummeted and people became haggard. I made many mistakes at work and almost lost my job.

My wife doesn't forgive me, my lover has left, and my career has failed, so it's over. ...

The pain of cheating men comes from these points.

Before cheating: There is a saying that marriage is flawed. "Cheating in marriage is because cheating is used to satisfy extramarital fantasies." When there is a problem in marriage, cheating becomes an outlet for seeking not to meet expectations.

The problem of Mr. Feng's marriage lies in the lack of communication with his wife. He pays more and gets less attention, which leads to his inner desire for care and warmth. It is natural for a woman who knows him to enter life at the right time and cheat.

Psychologist Robert Jeffery Sternberg believes that perfect love is composed of passion, intimacy and commitment. They not only need spiritual and physical harmony, but also need to know each other, accompany each other and have the same plans and goals.

Mr. Feng's marriage obviously lacks passion and intimacy, and only the "commitment" of maintaining the family and raising children has become an "empty" marriage. His extramarital affairs just made up for the lack of passion and intimacy in his intimate relationship, and let him fall deeply into this "romantic" relationship.

In Junichi Watanabe's novel Paradise Lost, the hero and heroine cheat each other because there is no love in their marriage. The relationship between the protagonist Jiu Mu and his wife is lukewarm and indifferent. The heroine Rinzi's husband was busy with work and ignored her.

When two people meet in a loveless marriage, they give each other the intimacy and passion they want most at the right time, so cheating happens.

There is depression in the original marriage, which is one of the reasons why men represented by Mr. Feng and Jiu Mu cheat, and it is also a source of their pain.

Cheating: Dilemma, Realistic Pressure. Mr. Feng found a feeling he didn't have with his wife in his extramarital affairs, but he was not 100% happy. On the contrary, he said, "As much happiness as you taste from cheating, you will experience much pain, and you will be overwhelmed by the sense of responsibility and morality."

Psychological pressure, behavior is also very tangled. On and off with your lover, there is no future together, and if you are not together, you are in a dilemma.

Most people in society have low tolerance for cheating, so once cheating happens, they will bear real pressure.

Take Paradise Lost as an example, the dates of the hero and heroine are carefully hidden from others for fear of being seen by people they know. After the cheating of the hero was discovered, he was reported at work, and his career came to an end, and he was no longer accepted by the mainstream society.

Therefore, cheating is not always happy, happiness and pain coexist. It's just that everyone is eager to blame the derailed party, and the pain caused by the cost of derailment is often ignored.

After the derailment: Returning to the family Most men will return to the family after the derailment, but returning to the family does not mean that they can sit back and relax-repairing the relationship is the most difficult.

For many cheating parties, the cheating of the other half is a traumatic event. Both men and women often fall into the deep valley of negative emotions such as sadness, depression, anger and denial. The cheating party still has a lot of work to do to win back the trust and love of the other party.

After Mr. Feng returned to his family, he did a lot of recovery measures, but all he got was anger, accusation and doubt, and he himself was very wronged. The longer time goes by, the more they can only see their own pain, but they can't see each other, thus making their marriage more difficult.

How to repair the injuries suffered by two people after cheating?

Strengthen communication and openly discuss the reasons for the derailment.

The most terrible thing in marriage is not cheating, but not knowing what the other person really wants.

Mr. Feng wanted his wife to pay more attention to him, but he didn't say anything and his wife didn't know.

But is the wife hiding something? There are cracks in the marriage of two people, so we can take this opportunity to have a heart-to-heart communication, and maybe many misunderstandings will be clarified.

Work out a plan to repair the relationship together, clarify the practices of both parties, and promote the repair of the marriage relationship with positive behavior.

Mr. Feng can make a pact with his wife for three chapters. He promised that he would return to his family wholeheartedly and be willing to compensate his wife for something, and her wife needed to give him a chance not to bring up the past. Both sides can see each other's difficulties and cooperate.

Enhance the passion and intimacy in marriage.

Before the affair, Mr. Feng's marriage was only a "commitment" part.

Since returning to the family, we should push the relationship closer to "perfect love": increase passion and intimacy. For example, rebuild physical attraction, achieve a certain goal together, plan to travel abroad every year, and celebrate extra anniversaries.

Seeing the unknown pain of cheating men is not to defend them, but to look at cheating from another angle. Problems encountered in marriage should be actively solved to prevent them before they happen. May everyone have a perfect marriage.

If your husband really comes back after cheating, will you forgive him? You can share your thoughts in the message area ~