The positive significance of grievances.

What are the significance and benefits of negative emotions? During this long epidemic, many people's lives have undergone great changes, some may be changes in mentality, some may be changes in work, some may be changes in partnership, some may be changes in future planning, and so on. In short, in this epidemic period, each of us has made some changes from the heart, and these changes are all promoting ourselves to become better. When I ask many friends' What are your greatest gains and insights during the epidemic', some people will say that I broke through the relationship with my family and children and lived a close and harmonious life every day. Now I find that what I have been longing for is such a quiet, relaxed and comfortable life. Some people will say that my epidemic period is particularly painful. I always quarrel with my lover and suppress a lot of emotions in order to maintain family harmony. Some people will say that their work has also stagnated during the epidemic, and they are particularly worried every day, because economic pressure makes them very anxious every day; Some people say that when the epidemic is at its worst, whenever you see so many people leaving because of the epidemic, you will feel panic from your heart and be particularly afraid. They think that if I die like this now, my life will be too worthless. Some people will say that I have been studying constantly during the epidemic and I always feel that time is not enough. I want to make good use of every day, and I can't waste any time, so my daily schedule is full and I live a full life. . .

If you think about it carefully, you will find that these are all descriptions of emotions, feelings and States. Everyone is different, there is no right or wrong, and there is no good or bad. It is everyone's feedback and perception of their emotional state during the epidemic or every moment in their lives.

Whether we admit it or not, we are constantly looking for and exploring: who am I, why am I here, where am I going, and what is the meaning of my life; Do I know myself, accept myself, accept myself; What is my relationship with the world? Will you love? Will you give unconditional love? Every evolved life is eager to explore the state of life, seek the true meaning of life, yearn for the flow of love and walk with the Tao! We all want to be happy, calm, relaxed and friendly forever. We especially don't like our feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger, injustice or anxiety and irritability. We are so persistent that we can only show our good side, and every day can only be positive energy. Then imagine how tired and nervous a person who has positive energy for 24 hours will be. In psychoanalysis, there is a term called inverse formation, which means that the behavior and state of a person we see are often manifested externally, so how will the heart behave in the opposite direction? All those negative or negative emotions that we don't like mainly come from the following reasons: first, we think it's not good, wrong, wrong; Secondly, others don't like these negative emotions. Because others don't like it, I shouldn't be ashamed to show it in front of others. Actually, that's what we talked about in the last section. These negative emotions are not bad in themselves, but we have become slaves to these emotions and failed to understand the reminders and meanings conveyed by these negative emotions. All negative emotions, like onions, the outermost layer of the skin is what we often show: anger, fear, hatred, or a state of numbness without feelings. Secondly, peeling off the inner layer may be a feeling of injustice, sadness, pain, or self-blame, not good enough, and depression. Then stripping to the third layer is the inner expectation for each other and the inner desire for a long time, and the fourth layer may be the unsatisfied love part. Let's take an example: just like a child wants toys, if his mother tells him that you already have many toys and can't buy any more toys, then the child may get angry, cry and roll in various ways. Then when he finished crying, that is, when his negative emotions were exhausted, his mother was telling him that his mother knew that you wanted that toy very much, which was novel and fun. You don't have the same toy as this. Do you really want it? Then I guess the child will cry at this time, and the crying at this time is because the mother understands his psychology of wanting toys. Although she doesn't buy toys, her mother understands his desire for toys. If children don't buy toys and can't get their mother's understanding, then their inner desires can't be satisfied. The child may say that his mother doesn't love me at all and won't buy me anything I want. How can you say you love me? Children will also say: because I can't feel my mother's love, because my needs are not met, so my mother doesn't love me. So now you understand, the next time you lose your temper, please ask yourself what your inner needs are. Who can satisfy your inner needs? Who do you long to be loved? Who do you want to love? All negative emotions are about inner desire and expression of love. If we can understand them and allow them to be expressed, we will experience a colorful life. Then when we understand the meaning and value of each emotion, we will better understand our inner desires and needs. Then the following are the positive values and meanings brought by 12 common negative emotions. Let's understand these emotions together and wash away the cognition of negative emotions. 1 [Fear]: In this epidemic, each of us experienced the fear of death to some extent, and at that moment we felt the value of life. At the same time, we also see that human vitality is very tenacious in real disasters; However, when we are in it, we are still full of worries and fears every day. All we think about is in case I get infected, in case I get sick, and so on. We insist on brushing news and reading reports every day. I think you will never forget that feeling of fear in your life. So what are we afraid of? Perhaps what we are afraid of is not knowing what will happen and whether the next one will be my share of uncertainty; When the medical staff tried hard to find drugs and measures that can effectively control the disease, when we saw the medical staff leaving the hospital one after another, we slowly relaxed our vigilance and began to resume work and production in an orderly manner. In the course of this epidemic, including now, all mankind is experiencing the same emotion: fear of death, which is the instinctive emotion of human beings and animals. A wise man said: the only purpose of living is to wait for death; It's just how you spend your life when you're waiting to die, that's the meaning of your life; When we generally understand that living is waiting for death, is there some psychological relief? The purpose of fear is that we think the cost is greater than the gain. For example, in the face of the epidemic, we know that as long as we pay attention to hygiene, improve our body resistance and avoid cross-infection among dense people, we can effectively prevent epidemic infection, but we are still afraid that at that moment, the idea that we will get sick occupied our brains and felt that once we get sick, we will pay our lives as a price, which is too high and terrible; The positive significance of fear lies in: guiding us to find out what we think is the price, and thinking about what we can do to make it unnecessary for us to pay these prices; In fact, fear is the first important tool to maintain the survival of animals, including us. People cannot and should not live without fear. At the same time, courage does not mean that there is no fear. The real courage is that although I am afraid now, I can still go on with fear. Just like those medical staff, we sincerely admire their contribution to us. The next time the child says: I am afraid, I hope you can tell the child that you can be afraid, and at the same time do it slowly with fear, and you will be braver. Only when you know how to be afraid can you be truly brave. ? 2 [Anxiety, nervousness] So during the epidemic, we also experienced another emotion, that is anxiety. According to incomplete statistics, more than 200 enterprises closed down during the epidemic. Of course, many people are also facing unemployment and economic pressure. I estimate that many people are facing real economic pressure, such as the old and the young, various expenses and loans. So it's normal when you are anxious and nervous. Now the whole world is facing an economic crisis. These are all facts. So the positive significance of anxiety lies in guiding us to find a solution. In times of crisis, crisis is bound to be accompanied by opportunities. You need to find out where your opportunity is. At the same time, when you are anxious and nervous, it is very important to remind you of this matter. The resources and abilities you have now are not enough to face and solve the current things. You need to add some abilities. ? 3? [Difficulty]: When I hear this, some people may say that what you said is so simple, but it is too difficult for me, so let's discuss this {difficult} emotion. ? Difficulty means: thinking that the price to be paid is greater than the return that can be collected; So for those who find it difficult: the difficulties are all imagined by them. When you really get into it, you will find that you can't think of anything difficult at all. Therefore, as long as we clearly quantify what needs to be paid and what can be collected, we can immediately change this "difficult" feeling. Of course, there are at least three solutions to everything. Don't force yourself, but you can give yourself more choices. This choice is the "I can do it" choice. 4 [Pain]: During the epidemic, we still have an emotion, which can be divided into two parts: physical and psychological. Whenever we see news reports about how many people died yesterday during the epidemic, we will feel pain instinctively. Some people will deliberately block these news when they can't bear this feeling, so when we feel inner pain, it is psychological pain; Physiologically, it is about physical pain. If we soak our feet in boiling water, we will feel pain. Instinctively, we will take our feet off and inject cold water. If you still feel pain, continue to add cold water until the pain completely disappears. Donner, a psychologist, said: whoever is the most painful in a relationship needs to make a change! So the positive significance of pain is to find ways to get rid of it and make changes. ? ? 5 [Sadness] Then when we see so many people reluctantly leaving this world, we will feel deep sadness from the bottom of our hearts, especially when we see some news that in order to prevent infection, relatives died and the bodies were taken away in a hurry, and many family members failed to see their loved ones for the last time. That kind of deep sadness made everyone who saw the news burst into tears sincerely, as if they felt the same way. If the parties have been trapped in this regrettable loss, they will always be in this sad mood and lose a lot of meaning to their own lives. Then the positive significance of sadness is: gain that strength from the loss, and let us cherish the healthy life we still have, including memories. Seeing so many lives leave, let us know more about the preciousness of living, and at the same time, use this lost strength to cherish the lives that the deceased relatives have not enjoyed enough, and do more meaningful things to make their lives colorful and wonderful! So sadness is to guide us to cherish what we have. 6 [Regret/Guilt/Regret] In fact, one of the obvious emotional symptoms of a large number of consultation cases contacted during the epidemic period is depression, so the main emotional distress leading to depression is regret/guilt and regret, but this emotion is actually the most meaningless but destructive emotion. In fact, regret/guilt/regret are all things that happened in the past. They always think that some things should be done better. They didn't do it at that time, so they have been in a state of self-blame. These emotional states are the lowest emotions of life energy. If these people who often have this kind of emotion are destructive to themselves or the people around them, they are completely stuck in the past, and there is no way to live in the present and face the future. When we know this, we will understand the reminder and influence of regret/guilt/regret on us. He reminded us that our thoughts are still in the past, how can we bring them back to the present, accept the past events, face the facts, change ourselves, and then base ourselves on the present and face the future. Only in this way can we get rid of the cage of thinking, overcome depression, live in the present and face the future! Parents who are often in the emotional state of regret/guilt/regret have a great influence on their children, because your heart is in the past, but the growth of children is full of infinite possibilities, and they live in the future. Therefore, in parenting education, parent-child communication will have great obstacles. ? 7 [Worry and Guilt] Then let's talk about how parents often feel about their children. Let's talk about guilt first, that is, there is always one in my parents' hearts that I am not good enough and that I made a mistake myself. This kind of deep remorse and deep guilt will give birth to deep anxiety. These two emotions are often intertwined. The underlying reason for this anxiety and guilt is that I had an unhappy childhood when I was a child, and there may be some trauma in my childhood growth experience. The main source of this trauma, for example, is related to my parents' parenting model; Parents neglect, abuse, control, abuse, and so on. When I was a child, there were many emotions that were not allowed to be expressed. Deep depression would cause more trauma, which would turn into self-denial and make me feel bad. Because I made a mistake, my parents didn't love me because I wasn't good enough, felt that I was not qualified enough, and felt that the world could not become what I wanted, so in such a traumatic childhood. Then I grew up with these restrictive beliefs. I am not good enough. I am not qualified to have beauty. I am afraid of the future. Now I'm a parent. When I see a child weaker than myself, when I see a certain behavior and state of the child, I evoke the seeds of fear hidden in my heart. I began to unconsciously turn my initial fear seeds into worries about my children. Then we know the intrinsic motivation and the reasons for its formation, so how can we transform it? First, please understand that our subconscious mind can't tell "no" from "yes". When you constantly remind your child that you can't study badly, be worthless, have a good job, and you can't take care of yourself in the future, then what your child subconsciously receives is what you can't say. Many times, we hypnotize children in a negative way and turn them into the direction we don't want. Therefore, we will also say: worry is the biggest poison parents give their children. Second, children are born with a kind of loyalty to their parents. Repeated negative hypnosis will definitely become your concern, so children have unlimited possibilities, including you. Then the positive significance of worry and guilt is to remind us to grow up fully, break the restrictive beliefs and see the infinite possibilities. Although I am a parent in age, I am still in a state of being a traumatized child psychologically. When you keep growing and changing, when you can let go of those guilt and worries, you can truly bless and trust your children from the perspective of parents' love for their children. When you like yourself more and more, you will believe that you will trust your child more and more, and he will only get better and better. Only when you grow up and break those restrictive beliefs will you see the infinite possibilities of yourself and your children. 8 [Anger]: It is an emotion that we use for the longest time. Anger is also an emotion that seems to have the most external force. Just like the protagonist in the movie warned the other party not to provoke him, otherwise he would do anything. This is the best example. People with insufficient inner strength often need and are good at using anger in their lives, thinking that they can change themselves by yelling a few words, saying a few malicious words and scaring each other. We often feel that anger gives me courage. If we want more courage or strength, we need more anger. So we often use anger to change others. The positive significance of anger is to change yourself with this angry mood. In fact, angry people have great power to change. This power of change is a good medicine for yourself, and it is destruction and bomb for others. We will find that our anger is not directed at everyone, but only at those we care about, and the closest people will be angry, right? Maybe next time you are angry with your lover, just tell them directly. Do you know why I am so angry with you? I am angry because I love you so much. ? 9 [grievance]: I should get it, but I didn't get it; I want it, but I dare not say it, or I want it, and I feel that I am not qualified enough to want it; Secondly, this grievance is that we often unconsciously project the feelings that our parents need to give to others, that is, you didn't give me what I should. It's usually just a child's mood. Imagine, as an adult, who should give you something? The only child takes it for granted that others pay. The positive significance of that grievance is to remind us that the first is to express our needs, and the second is to remind me not to be a child. Therefore, whenever I feel wronged, I remind myself to express my needs and be an adult again. In fact, the advantage of this grievance is that it is easy to kidnap others to do things for you. In my consultation and teaching process, it is very difficult for people with grievances. They always pretend to be poor and keep asking for help like children, so I will tell him that you are an adult now and you will figure it out yourself.