Tell me a joke.

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Send plaque

A man boasted that he could pass the imperial examination in high school and said, "I dream at night, and someone is playing drums."

Send me a plaque. "His friend said," I dreamed that someone gave you a plaque with four words written on it.

Word: damn it. "

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anxious

Some people grew up in a rich family and spent money to buy a five-product official, but they didn't know the sufferings of the people. One winter, he went out to inspect. I saw a beggar standing shivering in the cold wind. He felt very strange and asked his entourage, "Why is this person always moving?" The waiter said, "It's cold and my clothes are thin. I'm shivering." The man was even more surprised and said, "Isn't it cold to shake?"

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A rich man bought a barrel of wine and put a seal on the lid. His servant

He drilled a hole in the bottom of the barrel and stole wine every day. The rich man found the seal intact.

No, but it's amazing that the amount of alcohol is getting less and less every day. It was suggested that he go and have a look.

Going down to the bottom of the bucket to see if there is any flaw, the rich man replied, "Are you really a fool?"

There is less wine on the top and a lot of wine on the bottom. " ...

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A man was invited to dinner. When the host pours wine, he only pours half a cup at a time. that person

He said to his master, "You have a saw at home. Please lend it to me." The master asked:

"What's the use of borrowing?" The guest pointed to the cup and said, "Since the top half of this cup can't be filled.

If you get the wine, you should cut it off. What's the use of keeping it? "

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A joint venture producing wine.

Two friends are going to make wine jointly. A said to B, "You leave the rice and I'll leave the water." B said: "

Rice can be produced by me. After drinking it, how can I share the profits? "A said," I will never let you suffer.

After drinking, I just want water, and the rest is yours. "

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solve the riddle

Wumen Zhang Youyu made the envoy curious. Every day, intruders put up puzzles and put them on the door: "Shoot Xu!" "

Enter. "Mystery cloud:" Old but not old, small but not small; "Don't be ashamed, okay." There is nothing in it; Wang Bai

Gu Xiaoyun said, "The squire is 80 years old when he meets King Wen; Gan Luo twelve as prime minister, small not small; closed

It is shameful to swallow alone; Open the door for everyone to eat, okay. "Zhang laughed.

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Isn't it faster?

A man was ordered to deliver an urgent document, and his boss specially gave him a fast horse. But he's just talking to

Run behind the horse. Passers-by asked him, "Since it's so urgent, why not ride a horse?" He said:

"Isn't it faster to walk with six feet than with four feet?"

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Willing to die

There was an emperor who loved playing the piano, but he played it so badly that the civil servants and queens in the Qing Dynasty could not stand it.

His piano sound. The emperor searched the whole court, but he couldn't find a bosom friend.

He ordered a condemned man to be released from prison. The emperor promised: "as long as you say my piano."

Well done, I can save you from death. "Unexpectedly, the emperor just played the piano halfway when the condemned man cried," Chase!

Next, please stop playing, I want to die! "

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Pick up the straw rope

Someone committed theft and was locked up by the government and sold to the public. Someone asked him, "What did you do?"

How big is the crime? "He sighed:" A person is unlucky and walks against the board. Yesterday, I was not careful.

However, when I saw a straw rope in the street, I thought it would be useful in the future, so I picked it up. "

The questioner asked, "Is it so heavy to pick up a straw rope?" I only heard the prisoner continue to say, "I don't know.

At the end of the straw rope, there is still a cow tied!

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Yandou family property

A rich businessman is very stingy. He put salted beans in a bottle and used chopsticks every time he ate.

Take some pills for dinner. He was having dinner that day. Suddenly, someone told him, "Your son is eating.

Big fish and big meat are eaten in the store! Hearing this, the rich businessman scolded, "Who am I working so hard to save money for?"?

? Then pour out a handful of salt beans from the bottle, put them all in your mouth, and chew and say, "I lost, too."

Losing your family! "

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Like father, like son.

There is a kind of person who is arrogant and never lets others. One day, he was walking in the street and crossing the street.

Nobody made way for him. Of course he wouldn't let me, so they stood face to face.

Look at that. After a long time, the man's father came to him and asked him anxiously, "Why are you here?"

Stand, your family is waiting for you to buy food and go back to cook! ""I can't go, this man won't give it to me.

Excuse me. ""then you go to buy rice, and I'll stand here and show you who will make way for who in the end! "

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Bald personality

A scholar met a monk. The scholar thought of the monk's ugliness and asked him, "Teacher!

Fu, how do bald donkeys write bald words? "The monk said," it's just a kind word from the scholar, and his ass is slightly tilted.

Turn around. "

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Celebrate a holiday

This is Passover. A newly married couple don't understand complicated holiday etiquette, so

The husband asked his wife to peek at the neighbor's blacksmith's house. The wife approached the window and looked.

The blacksmith is hitting his wife with a coal shovel! When his wife came home, her husband asked her what she saw.

Yao, she always refused to say. Finally, the husband got angry and picked up a coal shovel to hit her. She cried.

He smiled and said, "Since you know all about it, why did you send me?"

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Mosquito seed

A monk wants to use blood to fast mosquitoes. When there are many mosquitoes, monks find it unbearable, so

Flap with your hand. People nearby asked, "Why do you want to feed mosquitoes?"

? The monk said, "They ate and ate, so they should fight."

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Everyone knows that Ji Xiaolan is a quick thinker. .....

one day ...

When he wanted to find the emperor, ...

Be stopped by eunuch ...

Eunuch: I heard that Mr. Ji is a gifted scholar. ....

Can you write poetry? ......

Or I won't let you pass. ...

Ji Xiaolan can't think about it. ....

I wrote two poems. ...

Sanguang Tiandi ren

Four seasons, summer, autumn and winter.

Eunuch said ....

Aren't there four seasons in a year?

What about spring?

Mr. Ji looked at the eunuch coldly. ....

Say: Do you still have spring?

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The story of a scholar

A scholar took a book boy to catch the exam. I lost my hat on the way. The extreme boy said: The hat fell (the first one).

The scholar said quickly, not landing, but the ground.

Extremely help scholar pick up the hat, firmly tied to the scholar's head, and then said:

Never touch the ground again this time.

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Stingy

A couple of landlords are notoriously stingy. One day, a man went to town and walked to the toilet, but later he thought, this

Good fertilizer can't be cheap to others. So I've been holding it. Later, I couldn't hold it any longer, so I went to the toilet.

But nothing came out except a few farts. So I'm proud. Back to my hometown, back to the old people.

Grandma told her own experience. Who knows that my wife flew into a rage: You are a black sheep, how can you live like this? Save it.

If only these farts could blow out the lights!

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Indecent verse

Once upon a time, there was a scholar named "Xipo" who often praised Su Shi. During the drought, the satrap set up an incense table to beg for rain and ordered him to write poems.

A song commemorating this grand occasion.

The scholar wrote a poem saying, "The prefect prays for rain, and all the people are grateful for virtue. Last night I pushed the window to see the moon. "

The satrap was furious and sent Yunyang.

His uncle gave it to him. Farewell, the scholar saw that his uncle was blind, so he presented a poem: "See Yunyang, and see my uncle as if he were my mother." Bury people together

Tears, three lines. "

To match, officials like his poems, take his wife as the topic and ask him to recite them. The scholar said, "Ring Ding Dong, madam, come out of the back hall.

Three-inch golden lotus, horizontal. "

The official's anger made him laugh at himself. The scholar sighed, "The ancients were named Dongpo, but I am now named Xipo. When the two are compared, they are much worse. "

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Chapeng

A scholar went to a tea shed to drink tea. A nun in the shed didn't know a word of the scriptures, so she went to consult a scholar:

"Excuse me, Guo-zi-jian diploma, how to pronounce this word? 」

When the scholar heard someone calling him a Guo-zi-jian diploma, he deliberately flaunted his talent and said, "This monk, you should know about sorrow and decline, Guo-zi-jian diploma.

It's the same as a scholar and a scholar, but it's different in the stomach. 」

As soon as the nun heard that he called himself a monk, she said disapprovingly, "You know, Qi and Zhai, nuns and monks are the same as cassocks.

The crotch is different. 」

A little girl serving tea in a tea shed couldn't help laughing. Both of them turned back and said, "Sister-in-law, what are you laughing at?"

What? 」

An unmarried little girl heard them call her sister-in-law. She was very angry and said, "It's good to know, girl and sister-in-law.

The whole body is the same, but the circle is different. 」

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Get an undeserved/undeserved reward

The prince of an emperor in the Jin Dynasty held a soup-cake banquet. A senior official stood up and said, "Congratulations to your majesty's harem heir. We are ashamed."

Get something for nothing "

The emperor said seriously, "What are you talking about? Can this make Qing and others meritorious? "

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priestling

There was a young monk who ran into the yard with a long bamboo pole in the middle of the night, waving and banging at the night sky, making a scene.

Finally, the old monk was disturbed. The old monk asked, "What on earth are you doing without sleeping in the middle of the night?" Little monk.

Trembling with fear and courage, he replied, "Master, I want the stars in the sky, but no matter how hard I wave them."

Play, always can't play ... "When the old monk heard this, he suddenly flew into a rage and swore," You are so stupid.

Eggs, not even knowing such a simple question, are really stupid and unforgivable. How can you fight in a place like that? ...

You won't climb the roof. 」

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Husband and wife quarrel

One night, a couple were quarrelling. ...

Dave: OK, stop it. You will disturb your neighbors in the middle of the night.

The wife argued irrationally: it's five o'clock in the evening, obviously it's half past two in the middle of the night. Why three o'clock?

After quarreling for a while, the husband felt that his wife was unreasonable and slapped her in the face!

The wife shouted: help, you killed someone in the middle of the night!

Husband: I'll tell you why you were beaten in the middle of the night.

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Once upon a time, there was a man who had diarrhea for a long time, and a third man next to him told him a folk prescription:

Boil water with bamboo sticks from dung trucks. The man went back and tried, but he pulled harder. He went.

Looking for Ah San, Ah San sighed and said, "Such a big load of dung can be blocked with bamboo sticks, but it can't be stopped."

Look at you, alas, there is nothing I can do. "

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A guest came to visit and talked until noon. The host made an excuse and went into the back room for dinner.

When I came out, I talked and laughed as usual.

When the guest knew it, he looked up at the beam and said, "There are bugs on it.

It's badly decomposed. "

"Why can't I see it?"

The guest said, "of course, he ate in it!" "

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Once upon a time, there was a man who couldn't find anything to do every day, but only found something to embarrass others.

Get people into trouble or something.

One day, he went out again, deliberately flashing away? At this time, there is a positive in the distance.

The farmer who was plowing gave the cow a whip and scolded him, "You useless thing, you walk unsteadily.".

What's going on here? "The man thought," this is not blatant scold? Hum, I must scold you.

Dog blood drenches the head. "He walked up to the farmer angrily and was about to get angry when he saw the farmer from the ground.

Picking up a piece of mud and stuffing it into the cow's ass, I couldn't help laughing and asking, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The farmer smiled and said, "I knew he was going to have diarrhea, so I picked up a piece of mud and gambled first!" " "

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When Zhang San went out, he said to his son before he left, "If someone asks about your father, just say you left." He is afraid of his son again.

I forgot, so I wrote my son a note and left.

My son didn't take out the note for fear of forgetting. On the third day, his son accidentally put the paper under the lamp.

The strip is burnt.

On the fourth day, a guest suddenly came and asked about your father. The son was busy looking for the note, but of course he couldn't find it, so he said, "It's gone."

People were frightened and asked, "When didn't it happen?" The son thought for a moment and said, "It was burned last night."

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Once upon a time, a man took his son to a friend's house. When I arrived at my friend's house, my friend's son was so enthusiastic, "Hey,

Uncle uncle ~ "said, and led them into the yard. Dad saw a cow tied to the yard, and it was very strong, so he said:

Your cow is really strong. The friend's son replied, "Little beast, why bother?" Dad asked again, "You?"

Where's Dad? "Answer:" Go up the mountain to play chess with the old monk, and spend the night in the temple tonight. I looked up and saw a good picture.

Ask "What is this painting"? A: Ancient Paintings of the Tang Dynasty.

When dad went back, he taught his son, "Look at other people's children. They can talk more. " The son is not convinced. "Hey, me too. ..

Next time someone comes, don't panic, just listen in the back. "

Two days later, my friend came back. A friend asked his son, "Where's your father?" "Little beast, why bother?" "What about you?

Where's mom? Play chess with the old monk on the mountain and spend the night in the temple tonight. "ah? ! "。 Dad can't take it anymore.

Stop, jump out and smack is a slap. "What is this?" The son touched his cheek, "an old saying in the Tang Dynasty".

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Men's ears are always twisted by their wives, either red or swollen.

A friend came to visit and saw his ears were red and swollen. He said, "What happened to your ears?" He said, "It's noisy at home.

Rat, bitten in the middle of the night. "

As soon as his voice fell, his wife ran out of the room and twisted his ear and said, "How dare you scold me?"

It's a mouse! "

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Once upon a time, a man went to see a fortune teller. The fortune teller touched his hand and said, "That man's hand is like cotton, and he carries it on his body."

"Women's hands are like ginger, and their belongings are piled up in boxes."

The man was overjoyed and said, "Great, my wife's hands are like ginger!" " The fortune teller asked, "Why?

See your wife's hands like ginger? "

She hit her mouth yesterday, and it's still burning!

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Zhang San is most afraid of his wife, but he is proud. One day, his friend Li Si made fun of him outside and said that he

Afraid of his wife.

Zhang San said, "No way, my wife listens to me at home." Li Si didn't believe me, so he asked him out.

Ok, go to this man's house the next day. When Zhang San came home, he begged his wife, "Wife, Li Si will come tomorrow.

Just give me a face. Here comes Li Si. Do whatever I tell you to do. After he left, you

Do whatever you want with me, okay? "At first, Zhang San's wife refused, but Zhang San repeatedly refused.

I shamelessly begged and agreed.

After Li Si came, Zhang San's wife was really obedient. Li Si was deeply moved and played for a long time before leaving. Reese

As soon as the front foot came out, Zhang San's wife took out a wooden stick and told Zhang San to lie on the bench and spank.

Li Si suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to bring his straw hat. When he came back, he asked Zhang in surprise, "What's going on?"

Zhang San said: "She wants to chop this bench up as firewood and say that she will cook jiaozi for me at night, but this bench is

Even if she kills me, I can't let her chop it off. "

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There was a general who fought bravely and made meritorious deeds, but he was afraid of his wife and was always killed by her at the critical moment of the battle.

His wife called him back. His subordinates were angry, so they appointed a day for the general to assemble the team.

Beat gongs and drums to the general's office to give courage to the general and suppress his wife's arrogance.

After arriving at the general's office, the lady came out and saw her husband riding a big horse with a huge army.

Even if he didn't dismount, he said angrily, "What are you doing?"

The general was so frightened that he fell off his horse and said, "I have assembled a team now. Please ask your wife to March."

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Zhang San is a teacher. He tries his best to teach other words. No one invited him at last, so he had to find a wife to farm for a living.

But he can't do any work. His wife scolds him every day, so he keeps lifting his head for fear of his wife.

One day, his wife asked him to plow the land. He pulled the cow into the field and shouted to the cow, "plow, plow." But cows

Ignore him at all. After a while, his wife came to him and scolded him? Then give it to the cow yourself.

Put on a condom, wave a whip and start plowing.

When Zhang San saw it, he suddenly realized, "Oh, I thought I was afraid of my wife alone, but so were cows.

Wife. "

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A monkey said to his master, "I don't want to be a monkey, I want to be a person." The master said, "if you want to be a person, you must put all your hair on your body."

I pulled it out. "The monkey said," all right. "Master brought tweezers to pull it out. As soon as I pulled out one, the monkey screamed in pain and refused to come again.

Pull it out.

The host said, "How can you be a man if you refuse to pull out a dime!"

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Once upon a time, there was a Mr. Cowhide who thought he was good at talking. He heard that there was a farmer in the neighboring village who was more eloquent in public than he was.

He boasted, "Hum, it only takes half a mouth to hit him."

The next day, Mr. Cowhide went to the farmer and deliberately pasted his mouth in half with paper, just touching the farm.

Their children asked, "Where's your father?"

The child said, "My father went to plow the fields."

"Where to farm?"

"The pot is boiling."

"What kind of fields?"

"Plow the rice crust!"

"Hee hee," Mr. Cowhide was amused. "Aren't you afraid of cow dung falling into the pot?"

『⑺? "Never mind, the cow's ass is covered with paper."

Mr. Cowhide fainted when he heard this.

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Once upon a time, there was a man who loved to pretend to be elegant.

One day, a man told him that he had recently broken a rope. He doesn't know what a broken string is, so he can only go with the flow.

He turned and said, "That woman is dead."

A few days later, the man's mother died unfortunately. Others saw him in mourning and asked him, "What's the matter?" He Wen

Politely answer: "Broken string." People say, "Broken string? Why are you wearing mourning clothes? " He thought for a moment and said

"I broke the old string!" He said.

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drink water

One day, a semi-illiterate farmer came to town in the scorching sun. I'm thirsty. I want to sell water.

Suddenly, I saw a plaque hanging in front of a shop, which read: Clear water pool. It should be a bathhouse, but he only knows the middle.

One word: water. It is a recognized place to sell water. Let the waiter carry the water. Manned ao however he, let a person put together.

Use pea bath water. What does this man care about the taste? He took a few sips and then swallowed it. After thanking him, he left, but put

The cattail leaf fan was thrown on the counter. The shopkeeper saw it and ran to give it to him. The farmer said gratefully, "Boss.

Yes, you'd better sell your tea quickly, it's a little spoiled. "

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Good static electricity

There is a quiet man who lives among copper blacksmiths. He felt sad and miserable day and night and often said, "If these two families move away,

On the day I live, I want to make some contribution to the East. One day, two craftsmen suddenly came together and said, "I'm moving away soon, so I promised to be the East. I'm special."

Come and knock on the collar ",ask the date and say" only tomorrow ". He was overjoyed, so he filled up the money and asked, "You are two families. "

Move to where? "The second craftsman said," I moved to his house and he moved to mine. "