What is hidden behind "asexual" marriage?

I am 45 years old, married for 20 years, "asexual" 10 years. I am very depressed in my heart. I have long wanted to divorce, but I have been holding back for the sake of having a complete family for my children. Now there are no words, no love and no sex. I don't want to wither in this hopeless marriage I have the ability to support myself and my son.

My husband doesn't know anything about love except sex, but we haven't even held hands and hugged for 10 years. Our husband and wife really exist in name only, and our marriage also exists in name only, which is meaningless.

I hate this stagnant life, but there is nothing I can do. I don't know what I should do. Don't end this life like this, but I'm so unwilling.

I can feel her sadness and despair, and I really want to persuade her to give up. In fact, marriage without sex and affection is no longer necessary. However, remembering that "it is better to tear down a temple than ruin a marriage", I can only persuade her to follow her heart. I know what I said is equivalent to nothing, but I can't tell others about their marriage. After all, this kind of thing can only be decided by the parties themselves.

According to the definition: in the absence of physical illness and accidents, there is no tacit sexual life between husband and wife for one month, which is a "sexless" marriage.

The reader of the message is a typical "asexual" marriage.

According to a survey report, one third of marriages in China are "asexual". Pan Suiming, a sexologist at Renmin University of China, once said that 2 1% of women in China are suffering from "asexual" marriage. In other words, at least 1 of the five adult women are suffering from sexual hunger and sexual depression.

The proportion is much higher than we thought. Under many of my articles, many readers leave messages in the comments, revealing their "asexual" life and troubles. As a lubricant of marital relationship, sexual life should be an important part of marriage. What is hidden behind the proliferation of asexual marriage today? From the four forms of "asexuality", we may find the answer.

The first type: formal marriage, lack of emotional foundation.

The biggest sorrow of a "asexual" marriage is that it is asexual to you. Classmate Jingjing worked in Beijing and married a local. After years of marriage, she has no children. We are in frequent contact, and she gives me the impression that they are a Dink family, singing with their husbands and learning from their wives. I didn't know her misfortune until one year when I went to Shanghai on business and we met and she told me about her marriage.

In fact, after so many years of marriage, Jingjing's husband never touched her at all. In his words, he liked her fresh and refined from the beginning. He wants them to be soul mates, and he doesn't want the beauty in his heart to be destroyed by the so-called relationship between men and women. At first, Jingjing felt nothing, as long as two people really love each other, the form is not important. But after a long time, I often feel guilty. I once suspected that my husband had physical problems. But because the two people get along well, there is nothing shameful to pursue, and there is nothing he can do, so it is only a few years.

Finally, one day, Jingjing's husband calmly broke up with her on the grounds that his colleague was pregnant with his child. Jingjing was shocked. She never dreamed that she liked her soul mate's husband and had a husband-and-wife relationship with a woman outside. Her self-esteem was greatly hurt and she refused to divorce. As a result, she became a martyr of "asexual" marriage.

I especially felt Jingjing was unworthy, urging her to divorce and start a new life. Jingjing said that she would wait until she got her Beijing hukou, otherwise she would really be blind for so many years.

In fact, men are animals with lower body thinking, which is in our nature. If there are no special circumstances, a man who has been keeping secrets from his wife for a long time is definitely not in love. Marriage without love and temperature can't last long.

The second type: losing freshness and cheating for excitement.

Man is an animal that likes the new and hates the old. Sometimes, the closer you get, the easier it is to alienate.

Cousin is a flower in our town. Cousin chased her for two years. They talked about a vigorous love, and within a year, they got married and were unhappy. At that time, they were very affectionate and wanted to stick together every day.

Who knows that after less than two years of marriage, she actually lived a "asexual" life. Cousin is very confused, obviously married to love, how to live with her husband and tired of her, even too lazy to touch.

Later, my cousin heard that her husband had a lover outside, and she realized what the problem was. Under the entanglement of her carrot and stick, her husband finally admitted that he still loved her, but he always felt that something was missing, maybe he was too used to it. When he is together, he is like holding hands with his left hand, feeling nothing at all, just looking for excitement outside. He knows he is wrong, but he just wants to prove himself.

It is said that marriage is the grave of love. When love transits to affection, sweet words become short words of parents' families, even quarrels of all sizes. The daily life of daily necessities, mutual criticism and accusations will more or less suppress your partner's sexual interest. In addition, there are privacy exposed after marriage, such as untidiness at home, leaving the door unlocked when going to the toilet, and pinching your feet in front of yourself, which will also wear away a large part of your sexual desire. People say that married couples are as warm as families. But behind it, it is at the expense of losing sexual attraction.

The third type: the pressure of life is high and the heart is fragile.

Pure, sometimes forced, life is really stressful.

Many people say that the "sexless" life of middle-aged people is forced. I have exhausted all my strength to live, so I have no strength to spend on love.

Since the child went to kindergarten, her day has been like this: get up before seven in the morning, carefully prepare breakfast for the child, then send the child to school on time, and then rush to the company. I picked up the children after work, went to the supermarket to buy food, went home to prepare dinner, and was busy cleaning up after dinner, helping the children with their homework. I finally finished my work. People were tired, so I fell asleep.

Zi Qi's husband is a programmer, and his long work and high-intensity rhythm have already overwhelmed him. According to him, it is better to catch up on sleep when you have time, and you have no energy to dawdle with your wife. In this way, the feelings of the two people faded, and "sex" was gone. Later, they simply slept in separate rooms.

Now, after Ning and her husband become relatives, they talk about the same topic every day. It is the lack of parents, not the children's studies, the health of the elderly, and the exchanges between relatives and friends. They don't have the enthusiasm between husband and wife, but they are indifferent and affectionate.

No sex life is an unspeakable pain for many office workers. Although many middle-aged people live a glamorous life on the surface, they are already powerless behind them. They are anxious every day, busy with their careers, thinking about making money, and bearing the two mountains of housing prices and children's education.

Freud said that sexual desire is the fundamental driving force of human life. Driven by sex, we pursue power, status and money. Ironically, in the pursuit of these things, some people's original sexual desire has been erased.

Fourth: because of the fear of sex, resist the life of husband and wife.

Some people can't understand that sex is not an instinctive need. Why would anyone be afraid of sex? In fact, there are not a few "asexual" marriages caused by fear of sex.

A netizen spoke on the internet and said that her wife was great. She was born in the 1980s, but she seems to live in the Qing Dynasty. She is conservative and even thinks that unclean sex life will be bad for her health, so she is extremely afraid and disgusted with husband and wife life. Every time, no matter how he coaxed her, she wouldn't. Slowly, he developed sexual barriers to his wife, without any sexual excitement. He and his wife have been married for five years and have no sex life. He thinks this has become a wonderful thing.

There is a saying in psychology that all sexual problems are not sexual problems, but psychological problems. Like this netizen, he has neither physical problems nor empathy, and his work is relatively easy, but his wife's fear of sex life has forced him into a dead end of a "sexless" marriage.

Fear of sex life is due to lack of sexual knowledge, and people will always feel uneasy about unknown and mysterious things. Therefore, it is very important to master sexual knowledge, break the mystery and accept each other's bodies. I hope everyone will not ruin themselves because of ignorance.

Summary:

The formation of asexual marriage has subjective and objective factors, which are closely related to the feelings of husband and wife, life pressure and psychological obstacles, but in any case, asexual marriage is deformed and unfortunate.

Thomas Lacorre, an American scholar, said: "For human beings, sex is not just sex, it is a language, a bridge, a place from loneliness to intimacy, and a melting pot for establishing mutual subordination."

Finally, I use a sentence "I am willing to be single-minded and never leave my body" as the conclusion of this article. I hope everyone has a beautiful marriage with both sex and love!