Yujunshu prose essay

A letter to Jun: Looking back at the old times

——Gu Hong, the wedding is coming soon, I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

More than three years and more than a thousand days. Nothing very long, nothing very short. I remember that during the bitter summer season, a group of us became attached to Wenhai, our first and permanent home. We wrote poems and lyrics together, talked and laughed, chatted and joked all over the place. Now, I can't remember how long it has been since we went home.

My sister hasn’t updated for a long time, Menghan is silent as before, and the rest are you and me, Tianming, Yiye, and maybe some others. We are still staying here, but it is also quiet and no longer as lively as before. Looking at Wenhai's icon in the Q group, there are very few people speaking in it. Sometimes I can't help but want to send an expression or say something. In the end, he closed the dialog box without saying a word. I'm afraid that no one will respond to me anymore and still have the relaxed atmosphere I had in the past, so I'd rather it remain the same as it used to be in my heart.

The tragic songs come and go, the quiet wandering, and the time flies by. Even, no contact, no conversation, no message for a long time. I don't know what I'm holding on to. In those past years, the days when you gave me love, care and concern are engraved in my heart and have become a piece of warmth that can never go back. Looking at myself today, my decadent appearance and negative attitude are the same as before. I think I'm always letting you down. My sister said you wanted me to be happy, and you said you wanted me to be indifferent. But now, I can only look at those past events and tear more wounds in my heart, with no possibility of recovery.

I have been immersed in my own story, with deep pain, misty hallucinations, and stubbornness that refuses to wake up. Each of you is trying to persuade me, comfort me, and tell me that you only hope that one day I can live a safe and happy life. And I can only live up to your expectations and smiles again and again. Countless times, I curled up in my own world, looking at the door and the curtain that separated me from the noisy and bustling outside. I was holding on to those broken past memories and the wounds that never healed, sinking alone in the darkness with no way out. Gradually, our contact became less and less. They only interpret their loneliness and loneliness in their own lives.

You are a gentle man in the depths of time, with the indifference, generosity, tolerance, and kindness that have settled down in the world. This is the deepest feeling you have given me in the three years we have been together. In the photo, you have a faint smile, but it is warm, with a hint of scholarly elegance. In the years we have known each other, you have always cared for me and enlightened me. I especially remember how panicked and helpless I felt when Brother Eleven was hospitalized. Knowing that you knew some medical knowledge, I called you when I was nervous and anxious, and you always answered me patiently and helped me. There was also ringworm on my neck. You looked up medical books for me to find a solution. Lots of past experiences, every bit of warmth, but long-lasting memories.

Most of the people here meet women, but you and Meng Hantianming are exceptions. If Menghan is a lamp in the long night, giving me light when I need it, and you are a piece of warm jade, bright and warm. You are a little older than me. You have seen the desolation of the world and the changes in the world. You have an open-minded attitude and an indifferent philosophy of life. Sometimes, I admire it, and sometimes, I avoid it. I am afraid that my naivety will be invisible in front of you. And those self-righteous sorrows and sadness are actually just ridiculous persistence in your eyes.

Life is not easy, and we can’t escape the hardships of life. You once told me that you were owed wages at that time, and there were other things that happened, big and small. There are too many unsatisfactory things in life. After you have passed them, don't look back. If you grow with your experiences, you may be able to go further. I know that you are wise and understand the sorrow. Now, all the hardships in the past have passed. I only hope that you can live a stable and smooth life in the future. Then I will be happy for you even though I am thousands of miles away, and I will be kind to you for our acquaintance.

Your cooking skills, your calligraphy, your knowledge, and your indifference have all amazed me. Three years have passed and you are about to start a family. Looking back at that time, we all had our own loneliness and frustrations, but we managed to get through it in the end. Now, it’s wonderful to watch you move towards peace and happiness. As for the rest of us, where we will end up is still unknown. There are still many confusing emotions in life and work, and sometimes I am still very irritable, but most of the time I am just angry with myself, and after calming down, I just feel sad. Maybe deep down in sadness, there is really nothing.

But what I think of more are old feelings, I dare not touch them, I can only treasure them.

That day, I had a stomachache again because I drank a large bottle of ice water, so I looked for stomach medicine when I got home. I remember that in the middle of the night, I also texted you with a stomachache like this. You worried me for a long time, and then told me to prepare some commonly used medicines at home. In fact, I didn't tell you that I haven't had stomach pain for a long time. I'm afraid that the pain will be like before, but no one will accompany me, and I can only suffer every second. Nowadays, I no longer leave a light at home when I go out. There are some realities that I think I have gradually accepted and learned to face. Although these are not the strengths you expect from me, this is not an improvement. Or maybe I’m more self-deceiving.

A lot can change in three years. It made cities fashionable, it made streets wider than before, and it made town centers lined with tall buildings. It's just that in the years, what remains unchanged is the emotion of the past. Those past events are still as warm as yesterday in my heart. Nowadays, we are getting quieter and quieter. But I know that this silence is not forgetfulness, alienation, or indifference. You are still in my heart. No matter how many people I meet, I cannot replace you, and no matter how many things I go through, I cannot change you. I am convinced that the feelings of that year were light and long-lasting, long-lasting and long-lasting. I also know that you are people who will last forever once you meet them, and you will never be lost in your lifetime.

Life in this world is like a white cloud and a pony, with too much to gain and too much to lose. Blindly insisting on cause and effect will only make things difficult for yourself and others. I now understand these principles. As you said, all uneasiness lies in the heart. Only when you can calm down can you be calm, and the peace of mind is all in the heart. Maybe one day, I will be able to smile calmly and tell you that everything is fine with me. This long dream will eventually wake up one day. If I could fully understand, maybe peace would no longer be far away. At that time, we must sit opposite each other, chat, and tell our happiness.

From the day I learned about this day, I have been fantasizing about it. I hope we meet in Guiyang, at your wedding, to witness your happiness and the reunion of our group. However, we couldn't reach it in the end. I think I still can't cross the 1196 kilometers distance. Now, I can only send you a blessing in this way, and pray that you will have peace, gentleness and happiness in your years. I pray that in the future life, someone will accompany you consistently and move forward hand in hand. I pray that you will be healthy, safe and happy in the future and forever.

Letter to Jun: For your sake, I have been thinking about it till now

1.

Unknowingly, I have returned to the past. In the old courtyard, the vegetation was deep and the sad face seemed like it was from another world. The heart seems to grow old with time, and those memories, with their thin warmth and simple nostalgia, finally arrive in my heart after thousands of years. Spending the winter in silence, in the misty morning, when I opened the window, I saw a gray sky and a blurry vista. Wearing cotton-padded clothes, standing in front of the window holding a cup of hot water, watching the sadness condensed in the air, everything is like a silent film, with only scenes going south and north, joys and sorrows happening, but not a trace can be heard. sound. In the quiet sound, everything seemed to be still, but there was indeed something that had gone away and arrived.

The softest memories are hidden in the eyes and lingeringly. Last year, I told you that I could no longer laugh. I just became quiet, writing alone, mourning alone, and having conversations with myself. In the silent light and shadow, the past seems to have been frozen by the cold. Those sorrows and pains are becoming more and more distant in the illusion of time, and I am living a life of hard work for my life in the silent pain. Now, I have begun to slowly accept all kinds of partings and setbacks in life. I no longer chase a similar figure down several long streets, nor do I feel lonely because of the indifference of others. Recalling my desolate youth, my expression became quieter and quieter, carefully hiding the decadence of the past.

Year by year, these days, a lot has changed and I have learned a lot. When I smile, you can clearly see the smile on the corners of my lips, but you can't ignore the sadness hidden in my eyes. We have resisted destiny countless times and tried to fight against God, but we still failed in the end. Under those big palms that turn everything upside down, there are too many things that cannot be escaped, and we can only choose to succumb again and again. The road of life, how many hardships we have gone through, seems to be no longer worth mentioning.

But I know clearly that no matter whether the destination is far away or the road is difficult, we still have to go through a journey and trek through dangerous mountains and rivers before we can see the rainbow at the next stop.

2.

Memories under the camphor tree fill my heart. I can’t forget the man’s lonely look and his arrogant figure in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows. Also, the dark and cold night, the man’s tearful hug, and the words “I love you” that once made me panic. Now, everything is like a kite with its string broken. The man floats away, leaving me alone choking in my dream. I said, I love him. And you said, all I love is that time. Accompanied by the cold winter wind and an old tune, I gently review the tenderness of the past. When I close my eyes, I can still see that past, the black clothes running coldly through my memory, and the face that can never be erased. The heart is tangled and torn, and with just one exertion, there is bone-eroding pain.

The love of youth, the once-deep vows, in the end all that was left was the word "goodbye". You said that if one day you get married, then you must marry An Ding. And I was thinking, if one day my heart can finally make do with it, then I must have married the years and lost to time. I am getting more and more tired, and I can hear the aging sound of my soul every second. What has come and gone in the memory has gone, and what remains has dispersed. Everything is just the wind held in the hand, destined to wither. Everything seems like the moon in the mirror and flowers in the water. At the end of the cold youth, there are too many emotions that cannot be grasped. The years have failed to leave any unforgettable traces for me. They just left me in the ashes of time and tortured me repeatedly.

Walking on the street, I still feel lonely. I have been walking in this lonely floating city for many years, but there is still no place in this city for me to stay. Love was once the most beautiful illusion in my life. When I fall in love, it's like fireworks scattering above my head, filling the entire night sky with sadness and beauty, and decorating my entire youth with splendor. However, some fragments are destined to last only a moment. At the moment when I had no time to stay, all the beauty turned into a sad illusion, and the memory seemed to be emptied in an instant. Walking and forgetting all the way, at the moment when the lights dimmed, all the people and things had been withdrawn, leaving only a night of cold wind and rain, but I will spend my whole life remembering it.

3.

The sadness, loneliness and pain of walking together. All the encounters, partings, and reunions we have experienced. Nowadays, the brilliant fireworks have long since ended, and the butterflies have expired and will not stop for anything. In these days of still water, life lacks the fragrance of poetry and poetry, and has more of the atmosphere of human fireworks. Gradually, I began to realize that the more demanding some personnel and things are, the easier it is to dissipate. Just like the sand held in the palm of our hand, when we try hard to hold it tightly, we lose it faster. Nowadays, fatigue has hit my heart, taking away a lot of paranoia in my youth that others cannot understand. Life has become indifferent, as lonely as water, burying the reluctance and sadness in my heart. I just want to learn to be reborn and try not to despair.

I promise you, never forget it. The eyes in the memory are that initial expression and warmth. I will never forget it for many days to come. However, things are changing and we cannot guess the process. When you let go of your hands in an instant, I really felt the pain when you were far away from my world. Today, through the joys and sorrows of life, and the mountains and rivers in the distance, fortunately, we still accompany each other and walk hand in hand. Don't talk about separation anymore, and don't dwell on past disputes anymore. The moment I hold your hand, I know clearly that you are the shadow I am looking for. On this lonely winter day, I just want to walk quietly with you without saying a trace of sadness.

Neither you nor I will forget the agreement we made. I promised you that you would smile like a flower, and you also told me that you have become more open-minded. We wandered in sorrow in our respective cities. Three hours apart in the sky, your light clouds and gentle breeze spread throughout every part of my body, dyeing the sadness in my heart. Now, I only hope that you can live a happy life. If in the coming year, when I hold hands with you, will your palm still be cold? And the smile on your eyebrows and eyes, is it gentle but no longer tinged with sadness. Together, I don’t want you to be sad or unhappy, I just want you to live a better life than before. If you could be calm or happy, everything would be wonderful.

Postscript

When I was Su Liangji, you were Xia Dieyi. I am the late moon and the early hour, and you are Xia Dieyi. When I am Ye Wanzhen, you are still Xia Dieyi. In fact, no matter what surname and name I change, I am still Ruoyu, and you are still the sister I have been looking for all over the world.

I owe this article in early autumn, and finally finished it in winter.

Three hours away, my sky is filled with cold wind, autumn leaves, dusk, and withered butterflies. All the joys and sorrows have been passed hand in hand. The song I sang for you has been sung since then.

There are always people who remember the past blown away by the wind in memories and the promises made in time. Stay together calmly, without saying sadness. From now on, I will watch the spring and autumn with you indifferently.