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Echo

Dentist (examining the patient’s mouth) ): "There is a big hole in your tooth! There is a big hole."

Patient (unhappily): "There is a hole, but you don't have to say it twice."

Dentist: "I only said it once. That was an echo, an echo."

Exercise

The beautiful tour guide led the team to visit the military camp. Suddenly, a team next to her The soldier fired a row of guns. The young lady was shocked and fell into the arms of the accompanying company commander. The tour guide quickly blushed and said, "I'm so sorry. I've been beaten by you." The sound of gunfire scared me." The company commander said: "It doesn't matter. Do you want to watch the artillery drill?"

Chicken Crossing the River

The thief stole a chicken and was crossing the river. While plucking the feathers of the chicken, a policeman came over. The thief hurriedly threw the chicken into the river.

The policeman asked: "What are you doing? What is in the river?" ?"

The thief said: "That's a chicken. It's going to cross the river. I'm here to help it look at its clothes..."

Latest news

The TV news announcer was broadcasting the news...

At this time, a note was delivered to him. He picked up the note and said habitually: "This is our station.

The message I just received..." Then he opened the note and read: "Man, you still have a spinach leaf on your front tooth..."

Division of labor

Lao Li was sitting in front of his house enjoying the cool air, watching the expressway passing through the fields in the village with a spectacular momentum.

After a while he saw a car driving by, stopped on the side of the road, and a man got out. I dug a hole on the side of the road and got back into the car.

After a while, another person got out of the car and filled the hole again.

The car moved forward. After walking for a certain distance, the man came down and dug a hole again. After a while, another person filled the hole.

In this way, every time the car walked for a period, it dug a hole again and rested. , filling the hole... Lao Li was very confused.

He couldn't help but ran over and asked: "What are you doing?"

The two workers replied: "We The three of them are working on a project to green the highway. The man in charge of planting trees today is sick!"

Guesthouse

A foreigner went to a certain place for a business trip and wanted to find a guesthouse. He asked a passer-by: "Do you know where the guest house is?"

The passer-by replied: "Yes. What are you looking for Mrs. Zhao for?"

"Sleep", the outsider replied. explain.

Thoughtful

The shark looked at a windsurfer and said: "The reception is really thoughtful. There is breakfast, there are plates

and napkins."

Pause

A certain cadre likes to pause randomly when speaking, and reads without breaking up sentences. One day, under the orders of the newly appointed Secretary Wang, he went to the grassroots level

Sitting on the podium to give a speech He said: "I am Secretary Wang...." (pause)

Everyone on and off the stage was shocked, thinking that the Secretary was paying a private visit incognito, so they couldn't help but listen carefully to the following words with trepidation. "Sent... ."

Everyone was relieved, and someone secretly wiped the sweat from his forehead. "I'm here to seduce women..." (Another pause)

Everyone was shocked, and the dignified cadres, How dare you say this? "Working..."

Everyone laughed.

Experts

I have just passed the doctor's qualification, and I am still a little overwhelmed. The young man, goes to see his family doctor and tells him that they are now peers.

"You probably want to be a specialist?" the old doctor said.

"Yes," the young doctor said, "It specializes in rhinology. Ear and throat are too complicated to be treated as one department with the nose

.

”

“Really?” the old doctor said, “Which nostril are you going to focus on?”

Walk back

Stayed outside for a week The villagers staggered back home, poorly clothed and exhausted

Exhausted. "Where have you been?" his wife asked.

"I went into the woods to check the stills and a big bear suddenly appeared in front of me. I ran for my life and finally got rid of it. I have never run away. That's so fast!"

That was a week ago. Where were you then? "

The villager fell on the chair and said: "Come back!"

Baby bottle

The zookeeper said to the tourists: "Don't be afraid. This lion Very tame: It was raised with a bottle

"

Visitor: "I was also raised with a bottle, but now I like to eat meat."

Saving money

My sister works in a bank. A young man walked up to her counter and whispered to her

"Please put this in Deposit a thousand dollars into my savings account." After she did so, she quietly replied, "This is your passbook. Goodbye." The young man started to turn around and leave, but then he folded it again

Come back. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but my car is parked outside, and if it hears that I have money left, it's going to break down again."

He put his fingers to his lips and tiptoed out of the bank.

Call Dad

On weekend morning, while my husband was still lying on his back, his friend Lao Li had already come to visit. I quickly said to my three-year-old

daughter: "Quick, go call daddy."

My daughter looked at me, hesitated for a while, then walked to Lao Li and timidly called He shouted: "Dad."

Instruction

The new female secretary is beautiful and charming, and the two supervisors are determined to personally guide her in her work. "It's our responsibility to teach her what she should and shouldn't do," A said.

"Yes," B said excitedly, "You are responsible for teaching her what to do."

Mahjong incident

Ah Yue wants to cook the food herself. Mother who is playing mahjong

How many meters should be washed? Mother did not hear Ah Yue's question...

While playing the cards in her hand, she said: "Nine tubes" !

As a result...that pot of rice lasted their family for a week...

How cooked should it be baked

A: If you didn’t do a good job at the crematorium, how could you be fired?

B: It’s my fault for talking too much!

A: Did you say something?

B: That time I asked the family next to me how cooked it should be!

Uniform

My friend and I entered the military academy for training, and we were quite proud of it. We had just received the uniforms from the material supply department. When we saw a man in uniform coming towards us, he quickly stood at attention and saluted, and at the same time said loudly: "Good morning, sir. ”

“Good morning,” the other party replied, “the post office staff is at your service.”

The painter

An ophthalmologist successfully cured The eye disease of a famous surrealist painter. When it came time to charge a fee, the doctor said he didn't need to charge a fee, but he wanted the artist to draw a painting for him, with the content chosen by the artist himself.

The artist was very grateful to the doctor for curing his eye disease, so he painted a huge eye, every

detail was meticulous, and he painted for the doctor in the center of the pupil. A perfect portrait.

When the ophthalmologist saw this painting, he was immediately shocked by the painter's extraordinary artistic expression. He

opened his mouth in surprise, and after a while he said: "Thank God, fortunately I am not an anal surgeon.

Birthday

Manager A and Manager B are good friends Friends, one day, they got together.

Manager B saw Manager A looking depressed and asked what happened.

Manager A sighed: "Yesterday was my birthday, and my female secretary invited me to her house to celebrate my birthday."

"Isn't that great?"

"When we arrived at her house, she asked me to wait in the living room for a while and then go to the bedroom to find her in five minutes. She said she wanted to give me a surprise."

"Isn't that better? Birthday friends The love is gone."

"That's what I thought at the time. But five minutes later I walked into the bedroom and found my female secretary and other staff members there.

Peng Peng. There's a birthday cake waiting for me."

"That's not bad. Your staff love you so much, you should be happy."

"But I was naked at the time. I went in after taking off my clothes.”

Scar on Abdomen

The 5-year-old daughter didn’t understand why her mother had a scar on her belly. The mother asked her daughter. Explained: "This is the place where the doctor made a cut and took you out."

The daughter thought seriously for a while and asked her mother seriously: "Then why did you eat me?"

Snail

A snail was walking on the road, but a turtle came from behind and ran over him.

Later the snail was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment. When the snail became conscious, After he regained consciousness, the police officers asked him what happened at that time

Snail replied: "I don't remember, he was going too fast at the time..."

Reversing

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The driver got out of the car with a colleague who stuttered.

At a T-junction, because he had to change direction, he had to back up a section of the car, and there was a big wall behind the car.

It needs to be poured just right.

So the driver asked his colleagues for help

"Please help me take a look and let me know when you get there..."

"......"

Start the car and reverse...

"dao......dao....dao.. ..dao...dao..dao." The stuttering colleague kept talking.

The driver followed his instructions... pour... pour... pour... Fall... fall...

"Boom..." The big wall was hit by the car and fell to the ground...

"dao...dao..dao. Here we are. "

ps: This article is not intended to make fun of people who stutter.

Reversing (2)

The market is very crowded.

The driver moved the goods After loading up and getting ready to leave, I started to reverse the car. Not far behind the car was an old farmer selling pears.

"Reverse the car...reverse the car..." A warning signal from a female voice came from inside the car. .

Unexpectedly, the car reversed too much, and the old man behind the car was knocked down, and the pears were crushed.

The driver quickly got out of the car, helped the old man up, and Apologize repeatedly.

"Get out of the way...

The old man pushed the driver away

"I looked for that woman. Where did she fall? , she also called "down, down..."

Farmer and Scholar

The farmer and the scholar were in the same boat, sailing in the river. They were bored and decided to play a guessing game. The two decided that if the scholar loses, he will pay ten yuan to the farmer, and if he loses, he will pay five yuan. The farmer said: "What is in the river?

It weighs 500 kilograms and is Only ten kilograms on the shore?" The scholar couldn't think of it, so he paid the farmer ten yuan. He asked the farmer for the answer.

The farmer said, "I don't know either," and gave the scholar five yuan back. The scholar was stunned. .

Four pieces of humor

●Manager: I fired the clerk in the accounting department.

Secretary: Why?

Manager: He actually called me a fool in front of others.

Secretary: Oh, how disgusting! How could he leak our company's important secrets to others!

●"Dad, I want to use your car tonight, can you?"

"Then what are you doing with your legs?"

Father Showing a baffled look.

"One presses on the accelerator and the other presses on the brake." The son replied quickly.

●A thief was caught by the police the second time he came to the store to steal something.

The police asked: "Don't you know you are going to be caught?" The thief (shaking his head) said: "I know it says 'Welcome to come again' on it. ."

●Father: "Son, was the essay I wrote for you rated as excellent?

Son: "No, the teacher said it was off topic." "

Father: "No way, isn't the title of the essay "My Dad"? "

Zi: "Yes, but you are writing about my grandfather! ”

Director

A director is busy attending banquets all day long. He has a hobby of collecting napkins from various restaurants.

There are more and more napkins. The wife felt it was a pity to throw them away, so she made underwear from various napkins.

Wear them on her body.

One day, the wife caught a cold and went to the hospital for an injection. The doctor ordered her to take off her underwear. He took off his pants and held up the needle to inject

when suddenly he saw "Welcome to taste" written on the left side of his underwear and "Come again soon" written on the right side.

Leader

Someone When the leader made a report on learning Lei Feng's spirit to the employees, he read from the manuscript:

"Lei Feng is not dead!"

(Everyone laughed and talked about it)

The secretary whispered from the side: Spirit, spirit!

The leader proudly said to the audience:

"Yes! You are still energetic!"

Leader (2)

A leader said at the report meeting: "Just as Chairman Mao said: 'In this small world, there are nine flies

hit the wall'", The secretary quickly corrected: "A few. ", the leader said: "Nine, didn't I say?

”

Leadership (3)

A leader spoke at the report meeting: “Yesterday, I went to your female director’s house and she touched me.

I I also touched her..." There was an uproar in the audience, and the leader took a breath and added: "... situation. "

Leadership (4)

A leader read Chairman Mao's quotations: "People's correct ideas fall from the sky! ",

After turning the page, he was stunned and read loudly: "What! ".

Leadership (5)

When a leader's special plane was flying across the Pacific, it encountered a storm and the floor of the plane was lifted. The leader

and his entourage The bodyguards reacted quickly and firmly grasped everything they could, and hung them all on the high-altitude aircraft. Everyone gritted their teeth and held on with all their might, just like a roast duck on a rack. They were dangling like ducks.

But everyone still felt secretly happy about surviving the disaster.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning hit the plane, and the plane turned into a glider.

Experienced pilots said that the weight of the aircraft was too large. If the weight of the aircraft was 100 kilograms lighter, there should be hope of pulling it up.

Everyone looked at each other, but in the end they all stared at the fat and old leader silently.

The leader understood what everyone meant, thought about it, and said: Okay, but I have a few more words

I want to say it.

Everyone has a happy smile on their face, listening attentively, thinking about how to convey these words to the leader.

The man cleared his throat, paused, and said,

Everyone applauded.

So the leader returned safely.

Hen

A hen was comfortably incubating eggs

Suddenly, an egg popped out from under its butt

Hen: What's going on? Why did you run out?

Little Egg: You...you...you fart!!!

Hen: ＠#＄＊&......

Hunting

A young hunter came to ask the old hunter how to hunt bears.

The old hunter said, Usually I find a cave first, and then

throw a stone into the cave. If I hear a "Woooo..."

sound, there must be a bear inside. .You just jump to the entrance of the cave and shoot inside

You will definitely hit the bear.

A few days later, the old hunter was in the hospital looking at the bear covered with bandages

The young hunter was very surprised.

The young hunter said, I went to hunt bears and first found a cave. Then

I threw a stone into it and listened. When I heard a "Woooo..." sound inside, I jumped to the entrance of the cave...

However, before I had time to shoot, a column of fire was fired from the cave. Train!

Substitutes

The customer asked the new employee if he had a hammer, and he said no; the boss happened to hear it and became furious,

and stipulated that in the future You can't say there isn't one, but you have to find a substitute. After a while, a beautiful young woman came in and wanted to buy some toilet paper. The clerk replied: "DEARMISS, toilet paper is currently out of stock, but..."

Do you want some high-quality sandpaper? "

Cycling

In the morning, a girl was learning to ride a bicycle on a country road. Suddenly she found an old man in front of her.

She felt very panicked. She couldn't help shouting: "Old man, don't move!"

The old man stopped as expected. But the girl still knocked the old man to the ground without hesitation.

The old man slowly got up and said to the girl: "It turns out that you asked me to stop so that I could take aim and hit the target..."

Three Wishes

The ship crashed, and three people survived and drifted to a deserted island. Among them, A is the smartest, B is the second, and C is a bit stupid. Both A and B look down on C, but C still regards A and B as good friends.

That day, three people found a bottle on the beach, opened the cork, and a giant came out. The giant said that he could

Grant everyone a wish.

A sees that B wants to have a full meal, and quickly tells B to follow his lead. A said to the giant "I want to go home",

B then said the same thing, and in a blink of an eye they both returned to their warm home.

It was C's turn. He thought hard and didn't know what he wanted. Finally he said: "I am alone on this island.

It is too lonely for my two Come back, a good friend."

His wish was fulfilled, and the three of them came together again.

Syrup

One day I went to Mrs. Wang’s home to see how effective the cough syrup I prescribed last time was.

As soon as I entered the door, I saw Mrs. Wang. Tai stood in the middle of the room, swaying back and forth.

Next to him was the syrup I opened and a glass of boiled water.

"What are you doing?" I was curious. I asked.

"Get ready to drink syrup!" Mrs. Wang said.

"Then you...?"

Old Mrs. Wang Said "Look, look, doesn't it say on the instructions for this syrup!

'...Shake before taking'!!!"

Swimming coach

Let’s talk about a swimming coach who is straightforward and has a loud voice.

One day, he was shopping in a shopping mall. A pretty lady greeted him.

He took a closer look and saw that it was one of his students.

He then said loudly: "You put on clothes, I really can't recognize you!"

Can you eat me?

One day, a certain man went out and met his father-in-law. *The car was very crowded, but I still managed to grab a soft seat with my bravery.

I was feeling complacent in my seat when I suddenly heard an old man’s voice behind my ear: “Young man, I’m already

going to collapse if you sit on my lap. If you tremble again, I’ll... ....Ouch~~" A Fei blushed and stood up, but still said stubbornly: "What are you yelling about? You have a big mouth, can you eat me?" , cough... Boy, I don’t dare to do this, I am a Hui.”

Gou Tail

One day, someone went to his friend’s house. I was a guest and saw a friend's dog that was very strange.

So I asked: "Why do other dogs always wag their tails from side to side?

Why is your dog like this? "How about shaking it up and down?" The friend replied: "This is because our family's housing is very tight."

Untitled

Someone's wife is sick, please Come to the doctor to see him.

The doctor checked and asked: "Is there a screwdriver?" "Yes, here it is."

After a while, the doctor asked again: "Is there a hammer?" "

"Yes...but what disease does my wife have?"

"Nothing, I have to open the medicine box first"

Baby

There was a mother who took her little baby out and was coaxing her baby on the bus.

A passenger curiously put his head over to take a look. Said, wow! What an ugly baby!

My mother felt so sad after hearing this!! She kept crying and crying. Later, the car stopped at a certain stop

and some people came up. A new passenger. A kind-hearted passenger saw her crying so sadly, so he comforted her and said: Madam, why are you crying so sadly? Everything is wrong. Be open-minded, there is nothing that cannot be solved!! Okay! Okay!! Stop crying!!

I'll get you a glass of cold water!! Just relax!! After a while, the passenger

really poured a glass of water to her and said: Okay!! Stop crying!! Just drink this glass of water

It will be more comfortable. Also, this banana is for your monkey!!

Hell

After a certain person dies, he goes to hell and the kid guides him to choose a cell

The first room was a group of men and women who were soaked in boiling water, all skinned and bruised, and refused to enter.

The second room was not much better, and the people inside were all bitten on the head and feet by wild beasts. But he refused

When he came to the third room, a group of people were soaking in a waist-deep cesspit to drink tea. He thought it was acceptable and went in.

After a while, the kid came in and announced: Everyone After tea time, please return to the handstand position

MicroSoft

The president and CEO of the world's largest computer software company sold to death

William HGates III got married At that time, the newlyweds booked a small island in Hawaii.

And spent their HONEYMOON on it.

When they returned to Seattle, they were immediately surrounded by a group of old reporters.

One of them asked Mrs. Gates: "How was your honeymoon? What is your personal impression of Mr. Gates?"

Mrs. Gates replied: "Micro-Soft "

Come from life

1. A boy met a girl in his class on the way to take a shower. He felt that he should say hello, but it didn't seem to matter.

It was easy to say, but one sentence came up: Are there many people in the bathhouse?

2. Yesterday, I went to buy underwear, which were luxury bullet-shaped ones. There happened to be a middle-aged man in front of me who also bought it. He took a pair of trousers and looked at them in detail, and suddenly asked: "Does it look good on you?" I knew he wasn't asking me, so I didn't answer and just listened. The saleswoman said angrily: `Go home and ask your wife!'

3. A girl pointed at the cake and asked the master: "How does the master sell it?"

The master replied: "The master doesn't sell it, so the cakes cost six cents each."

4. A young man was riding a bicycle through an alley. Accidentally, the front wheel got into an old man's step. The old man was quite agile.

The old man was still frightened and said anxiously:

"You don’t have to pay for the ride, right?"

Double the number

A certain city leader held a New Year meeting At the work planning meeting, he said: "We must reach a high speed this year.

Can you tell us how much we can increase it?"

The director of a certain factory said: "We will do a lot this year "

A manager of a company said: "We will do it one and a half times!"

Another factory director said: "We will do it two times!"

Everyone spoke enthusiastically, but one person remained silent. The mayor became anxious and said to him: "Can you

please tell me a happy story?"

"I think we'd better not rummaging. It's a crematorium."

Adjective

I know the loudest person best, he never trusted anyone,

when he was a baby. When the time comes, I change my diapers myself.

I am very familiar with the guy wearing glasses. He is a smart man who values ??efficiency.

I often see him carrying a radio and reading newspapers on WC. Others say, he

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Still still walking.

Dirty

A man made a bet with others and said, "I can bite my eyes with my teeth." The others didn't believe it and bet one hundred yuan.

One of this man’s eyes was an artificial eye. He took off the artificial eye, put it in his mouth, bit it, and took the money triumphantly.

But when he got carried away, he accidentally put the artificial eye away. Swallowed!!!!

He was so anxious that he hurried to the hospital to find a doctor who looked at his throat. The doctor checked him and said:

"Hey, it has fallen out." It's in your stomach. Go to the doctor who treats stomach problems."

When you get there, the doctor checks and says, "It's already in your intestines. Let's see another doctor."

When I got to the doctor who treated the intestines, he said, "Ahem, I'm going down. You go to the anal department."

The anal department doctor was wearing a pair of glasses and was very enthusiastic, "Young man, lie down here." , take off your pants."

The young man did as he was told. The doctor came over and took a closer look. His glasses fell off and he screamed:

"I X!! !!I’ve been looking at my butthole all my life, and now my asshole is looking at me?!"

Li Hongzhang’s story

Li Hongzhang went abroad to attend an international conference. He wanted to use the bathroom on the way and asked the service The staff asked about where to go.

When I went in, I saw that the toilets they used were all flush toilets. Li Zhongtang had never seen them before, so I didn’t know where to go.

But I was embarrassed. It doesn’t work, oh, this is so urgent.

In the end, there is no choice...Oh, yes!? Li Zhongtang was wearing a long coat with wide sleeves, so he pulled it into the sleeves,

Then he threw it upward, and whoosh---it was thrown up to the ceiling.

At this moment, a foreign ambassador came in and looked up, eh

Li Zhongtang With a face full of embarrassment, he hurriedly pulled the ambassador aside, took out a heavy Chinese gold coin, and whispered: "I will give you a gold coin, but please don't tell me about it." Get out."

The foreigner also whispered: "I'll give you ten gold coins, and you tell me how to pull it up."

Interesting Facts (1)

Speaking of which, there is such a person with bad eyesight. One day, I picked up a chicken and walked home along a narrow ridge.

A waiter walked up to me with a bowl full of tofu. There was a slight collision between the two of them. The guy holding the chicken muttered: "Don't even look at me! Just rub the fat meat on people!" The guy holding the tofu didn't hesitate and said: "Yeah

Oh! Look at your eyes, you are still playing hawk!"

Interesting Facts (2)

There are three gentlemen, one of whom only has a left eye, and one of whom only has a right eye. Eyes, the other person is profoundly myopic. The three of them did not know each other

. One day we went to a banquet together. Mr. Left Eye and Mr. Right Eye were seated together, and Mr. Myopia was seated next to each other. After sitting down, Mr. Myopia

asked the person next to him: "Who is that broad-faced gentleman sitting here?"

Han Fuju gave a speech

Once, in the former Shandong Province Chairman Han Fuju appeared on the Qilu University Anniversary podium with his chest raised and his belly protruding. Even without opening his mouth, he is majestic and majestic, looking like an academic leader; when he opens his mouth, his true colors are revealed, and he talks nonsense and is vulgar. This made all the teachers and students in the audience stunned, in an uproar, and in a daze. Please listen: "Everyone, everyone, get together: "What's the weather today?

What's the weather like today? Today is speech weather. Have everyone come to the meeting? It looks like there are about eight-fifths of them. Those who didn’t come, raise your hands! Great, we're all here.

You are here in a hurry, but I am also very cold. ...Today, brothers have called everyone together for a lesson. If brothers say something wrong, everyone should understand each other.

Therefore, brothers cannot compare with everyone. You are educated people, you are all college students, middle school students and overseas students. You are a bunch of people who are scientific and chemical. You all know the English of seven or eight countries. Brother, I am a big boss. I can’t even speak Chinese English. I don’t understand either.

... You crawled out of the pen holder, brothers, I crawled out of the cannon barrel. Speaking here today really makes me glow and feel grateful. In fact, I am not qualified to speak to you. Speaking of it is just like... just like... yes, it is like playing the piano to a cow.

Just when the audience was dumbfounded, he reminded him: "I am not going to talk too much today. I will talk about three outlines first. Chairman Chiang's new life is running, and we are brothers

I agree with one thing, "Pedestrians walk on the right" is really inappropriate and too confusing. Think about it, everyone walks on the right, so who is left on the left? "There are other things.

Brother, I can't figure it out: Foreigners have all built embassies in Dongjiaomin Lane in Beijing, but they are missing from China. Why doesn't China build an embassy there?

After all, the Chinese are so weak! The third outline talks about what he saw when he entered the school. Regarding the students' basketball game, he scolded the Director of General Affairs: "If you hadn't been corrupt, why would the school be so poor? A dozen people were wearing underpants and robbing What does a ball look like? It's so indecent! Come to my mansion tomorrow to get some more money and buy a few more balls. Give one to each person so that you don't have to fight for it. , Chairman Han walked away, but I wonder if he could find his official residence by "walking to the left"

Anus to Anus

In 1979, the United States decided to break off diplomatic relations with Taiwan and break up with China. * Establishing diplomatic relations. When a Taiwanese diplomat met with relevant US officials, he angrily asked: "How will the relationship between Taiwan and the United States be handled in the future? Butt to butt? Or anus to anus? "

The American translator was dumbfounded: Diplomats can be so rude in diplomatic situations.

Seeing the translator stunned, the Taiwanese diplomat knew that he did not understand, so he wrote on the paper To: PEOPLE to PEOPLE? GOVERNMENT

To GOVERNMENT?

It turns out that the diplomat did not speak English well, and the translator did not expect that he was speaking English!

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Magnifying glass

A certain person was well-known throughout the city for being too fat. One day, while he was drinking in a bar, a stranger came in and stared at the bar. The fat man looked carefully at the glass door. The fat man was very angry because he noticed that the outsider was always staring at his shadow. Just when he was about to have an attack, the outsider suddenly knocked on the glass and asked the waiter in the bar. : "

Hey, man, is this piece of glass a magnifying glass? ”

Fishing

A man who knew nothing about fishing went fishing with his friends. After a while, his friends heard that he was timid

Question: “How much is this little red thing worth? ”

“Oh, very cheap.” What's this for, you ask? "

"I want to borrow yours for a use. Mine just sank. "

Taste

The psychiatrist asked the patient who was seeking treatment for the first time:

"You said you came to see me because your taste in socks made your Is your family worried? "

"Yes," the patient whispered, "I like woolen socks. "

"There is nothing abnormal about this," the doctor said. "Many people prefer wool socks, and I am like that.

"

"Really? "The patient shouted happily, "Do you like steamed or stir-fried? "

Untitled (1)

By the lake, a painter was painting, and a man and a woman came behind him. They looked at each other for a while, and finally the husband

Said to his wife in an irrefutable tone: "You see, my dear, how miserable it would be if you didn't buy a camera!"

Untitled (2)

One Young couple goes to an art exhibition.

The wife is highly myopic. She stood in front of a large painting and looked at it carefully for a long time, and then shouted loudly: "Oh my God! Why is this woman so ugly?" "

"My dear, don't make such a fuss," the husband quickly stepped forward and quietly told his wife: "This is not a painting, but a mirror

."

Untitled (3)

A drunk man got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. When he came back, he hurriedly shook his wife to wake up: "Hey, wake up, our house is haunted!

" His wife knew that he was drunk last night, so she said, "Stop being so crazy again." The drunk man said: "It's true

! Look, as soon as I opened the door, the light automatically turned on, and as soon as I closed the door, the light went out. Isn't this

There is no ghost!" The wife was so angry that she pointed at his nose and yelled: "You peed in the refrigerator again!"

A bit like a human being

A pair The young monkey couple gave birth to their first child. The monkey father looked at his child a little at a loss.

"Don't worry, dear," said the monkey mother, "the babies just born look a bit like humans!"

It's easy to spit it out

An orderly soldier liked to talk a lot, and his commander would not shy away from talking to guests and would chatter endlessly. The officer had been angry for a long time.

One day he sternly reprimanded him and made a three-chapter agreement: "From now on, if you talk to guests and you interrupt again, you will be shot!"

Not long after, one day When a guest came to visit, I occasionally discussed with the host which kind of leaves are the biggest in the world. The host said that the mulberry leaves should be preferred, and the guest said that the sycamore leaves should be the biggest. They argued endlessly. The orderly pressed the button for a long time and couldn't bear it anymore. Finally he clapped his chest and shouted: "If you shoot, shoot! The banana leaf is the biggest!"

Myna

Dasha entered a certain country At that time, he brought a myna with him. The customs officer stopped him and said:

‘Sir! You starling has to pay taxes too. 』

『How much should I pay? 』

『50 dollars for a live one, but only 15 dollars for a specimen! 』

At this time, I heard the myna shouting hoarsely:

"Dasha!" Don't be stingy! 』

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1. One day, my son pointed to the movie column of the newspaper and said to his mother: "There are different opinions on whether this movie is good or bad.

So I decided Why not buy the tickets in person and give it a try, but as soon as you enter the theater, you will find that the movie is terrible, but you can't refund the tickets, so you have to bear the pain and watch it. It's really unfair." At this time, the father on the side said: "You Are you talking about my marriage experience?"

2. The mother said to her son: "I remember when I married your dad, everyone said it was like a flower stuck in cow dung."

The son said: "Then why do you want to get married?", and the mother said: "Oh! It's hard to find cow dung!".

3. A strong man saw a smart scale on the roadside one day and stood on it happily, but the scale did not say a word, so he had to be disappointed. As they walked down, the scale suddenly said: "To protect the machinery, please do not stand on both of them at once. Thank you for your cooperation."

”

4. A new company commander took office and wanted to question the soldiers. A veteran couldn’t listen, so he gradually fell asleep. The company commander stopped when he saw it. The man on the stairs gave the veteran a push.

The veteran rubbed his eyes and asked sleepily: "Have you finished chewing your dog's food?"

Humility

One While out on a daily taxi ride, I chatted with the driver and complimented him: "Your car drives very well."

The driver said modestly: "It's not a good place to drive, so I drive blindly."

p>

My girlfriend drew a cartoon, so she complimented her: "This is a very good drawing."

My girlfriend said modestly: "The drawing is not good, so I drew it blindly." "You're pretty good-looking."

I joked and said, "If you're not good-looking, you're just too good-looking." My girlfriend said very modestly.

Hee hee

One day...

The bear and the rabbit pooped in the forest...

So the bear asked the rabbit: "The fur is stained with poop." Doesn't it matter?"

The rabbit replied: "It doesn't matter!!!"

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit............

Take a bath

A manager planned to do something practical for his employees and arranged a visit to a museum and a bath. So all the male and female employees were summoned to give a lecture.

"Everyone, please pay attention. Tomorrow, in the morning, lesbians will take a shower, and gay men will visit. In the afternoon, gay men will take a shower, and lesbians will visit.

We must abide by the discipline, ah , only allowed to look, not touched, and taking pictures is absolutely prohibited.”