Self-cultivation of "discussion"

Last month, a few friends and I held a weekend "discussion". Each week, one person would share a topic for 30 minutes, and then everyone would discuss the topic. We successively discussed topics such as "Be kind or strong", "Don't judge others arbitrarily", "What is science", "Self-cultivation of loving animals". During this process, I gained a new understanding of specific topics and some thoughts on how to discuss them elegantly.

What is the purpose of discussing with others? My ideal discussion is probably to stimulate a new understanding through the collision of words, but in reality, it is more likely that a few people are talking to themselves. A raises a question, and before answering, B draws everyone's attention. Moved to another thing, and then C suddenly interjected... Sometimes, the scene seems to be tit-for-tat and the debate is fierce, but the content is "random walk" and lacks coherence. Apart from excitement and helplessness, there is not much else. .

The following is a summary of "listening", "discussion" and "debate", combined with previous experiences and thoughts in the "discussion meeting".

When I first met my ex-girlfriend, she was a "problem child". She always had a bunch of problems, both big and small, that she would complain to me about endlessly. As a senior, in order to show my "smartness" and "reason", I always try to provide her with a ready-made answer in my own world. As soon as she finished speaking, I launched a detailed analysis of the problem, speaking in a straightforward, clear-cut, and magnificent manner... Finally, I made a rational cry, "You don't want to do anything, you should..."

There were even Once, on the phone, while I was appealing to reason, my girlfriend on the other side was so angry that she threw the cup. But I didn't notice that she lost control of her emotions and kept talking to herself. Naturally, she ended up unhappy. This kind of behavior in boys is often called "straight male cancer". Fortunately, I gradually realized this problem in the "middle stage" of cancer.

Sometimes, when your girlfriend or others come to you to complain or talk, they don’t always want to find a solution. They want to find someone to talk to, say they are happy, and then they can solve the problem by themselves. In other words, they just wanted to pour out some emotion. Even if the confider looks to the listener for a solution to the problem, he should analyze and solve the problem after calming down. I understood this truth only later.

"A qualified psychological counselor will have many questions in his mind; an unqualified counselor will have many answers in his mind." This principle is the same for an ordinary listener. If we cannot listen patiently to the end and ask guiding questions so that the confidant can say everything he wants to say and open up the knot in his heart, then the solution we provide will be narrow and unrealistic.

Be a patient listener, listen clearly to what the other person is saying, and understand why he is saying what he is saying. This is the self-cultivation of a listener.

As we grow older and more knowledgeable, our inertia in a certain direction becomes greater and greater. In other words, there is a growing inertia to make changes. On many occasions, we try to demonstrate our influence while carefully refusing to be influenced by others. I recently learned a little trick: Don’t try to influence or persuade others during discussions. This will make communication more effective and in-depth, and ultimately you can better influence others.

Due to my face, it is difficult for me to admit on the spot that there are loopholes in my logic or that my views are untenable. Once the discussion goes in the direction of "who is right and who is wrong", I am like a gladiator. In order to maintain my dignity, even if I am already vulnerable, I still have to pretend to hold the truth in hand and hold on. I shouted "You are wrong, in fact..." After the fierce battle, I calmed down and found that I didn't gain much from the discussion. It neither affected others nor gained new knowledge. We all stand in our own worlds and tell each other, "I am right and you are wrong," but no one is willing to give up his position.

Unlike science, when it comes to problems in life or when it comes to three views, there is no truth that applies to anyone, any situation, and any time.

Respecting basic assumptions, valuing logic, and combining it with reality is what I understand as an elegant debate.