Mistaking "ideas" for "facts", you need to change a pair of glasses to see the world clearly

In daily life, people always say that facts should be respected, cases should be judged based on facts, facts speak louder than words, etc. These words are all correct. The actual situation is that many people mistake their thoughts for facts, so they are confused! Because of "mystery"? So "mang". There is a lot of fog and I can't see the truth clearly, so I am at a loss and don't know what to do.

What are facts? Objective existence independent of subjective will is called fact (truth). Simply put, it is the actual situation of things, including things, events, and states of affairs, that is, all objectively existing objects and phenomena, unusual things and situations that occur in society, and The changing situation.

The mother in the micro class last night told her daughter many times: Dad abandoned you. So is "Dad abandoned you" true? I don’t think that’s necessarily true (not necessarily).

There was a period when I was often asked by others to mediate various conflicts, such as couples quarreling, couples having conflicts, colleagues having quarrels, partners having differences of opinion... I found an interesting thing. Phenomenon: Both sides have completely opposite "factual descriptions" of the same matter, and then they both say that they must respect the facts and base themselves on the facts, arguing about right and wrong. He became even more energetic when he saw me coming, and he kept talking with all his strength, presenting facts and reasoning, all in the end to prove that he was right. In fact, in that scenario, I don’t want to be a judge at all (who is right and who is wrong). I just want to listen to what you say and what he says. Then my responsibility is to let everyone see the truth of the facts and resolve the contradiction. Let's get closer to each other. So I have to listen patiently, keep asking, keep asking. In the end, there is basically only one truth: I am very angry because you don’t have me in your heart (it has nothing to do with the incident). Why do two people quarrel? Put aside all the content of the quarrel, there is only one frame structure: I am right, you are wrong. Both of them thought so and had to make the other person accept their point of view, so they started to quarrel. The quarrel has nothing to do with the facts, but everything to do with the respective concepts and different values ??of both parties.

Let’s talk about the understanding of “abandonment” mentioned in last night’s micro class. There are differences between Eastern and Western cultures. Westerners' thinking focuses more on physical distance. They think that the fact that they do not live together is abandonment. We Easterners care more about "whether there is a place for you in my heart" and don't care much about physical distance. , otherwise why should we worship our ancestors? The Qingming Festival has just passed, and many people have returned to their hometowns to visit their graves. Why? This is how we Easterners tell our ancestors, "Ancestor, you will always live in our hearts" (you have a place in my heart). When you watch TV dramas, you will often see the heroine saying something with a mixture of sadness and anger: "I didn't know until today that you don't have me in your heart"...

So in the micro class case last night, my mother told Daughter: Dad abandoned you, it was probably just an idea of ??your mother and not a fact. Speaking matter-of-factly, this fact is: the father and his daughter do not live together (physical distance), this is a fact. Does the father have a place for this daughter in his heart? This is another fact. It is also a fact that their father-daughter relationship is real. Drawing a conclusion based on such facts: Dad has abandoned you, Dad no longer wants you, you have no dad, you are an orphan... This is obviously inappropriate and lacks factual basis.

(Is "Dad abandoned you" a fact in the case? The father should give the answer, we will not delve into it here)

Tonight we are using this As a starting point, let’s first distinguish between what is a “fact” and what is an “idea”.

When I got up this morning, I found that it was raining. "Raining" is a fact. When it rains, it will reduce the floating dust in the air, so "it rains really well" and "it rains really well." Good” is just an idea. It is inconvenient to travel when it rains. The original weekend travel plan cannot be realized because of the rain, so "it's bad when it rains" and "it's bad when it rains" are another thought.

Let us summarize through this case: there is only one truth (it rained), and when faced with the same fact, people will come up with many ideas (it rains really well, it rains really bad...), and our emotions Fluctuations and our feelings and experiences do not come from the fact itself, but are determined by the "ideas" we have when we face this fact. In yesterday's micro class, this daughter faced the fact that "Dad does not live with me." If her thought was "Dad abandoned me, Dad doesn't want me anymore," then she would be lost and have low self-esteem... If her The idea is "Dad still loves me. He uses such a special way to exercise my independence and make me stronger." Then she will be full of strength and gratitude.

Okay, now that you can distinguish "facts" from "ideas," I'm going to tell you how important this is and what you can do to relieve your emotional troubles. I'm often asked, "I have a bad temper and it's hard to control my emotions. How can I not be angry with him like this?...What should I do?" If you have such troubles, you must listen carefully. Tonight’s micro class is about finding the source of emotions. This source is not the actual events that happen in life, but the various thoughts you have when facing these events!

"Ideas" and "facts" are often confused by everyone. Think that ideas are facts, so when ideas conflict with reality, people cannot accept them. Many emotional problems mostly stem from mistaking ideas for facts.

Psychologist Jonathan Haidt wrote a book called "The Elephant and the Rider", The Elephant and the Rider. He uses an elephant to describe human emotions and a rider to describe our rationality. The elephant is very strong. If we try to subdue it by brute force, the result is doomed to failure. But human reason is the person riding on the elephant. He can direct the elephant to go where you want, let the elephant go when you want, and stop when you want. How is this done?

People who ride elephants do not need to rely on brute force or give orders, but they need to understand the elephant's preferences, worries, fears, diet, daily routine, etc. If you want to control an elephant, you must learn to get along with it. If you want to control your emotions, you must first learn to understand them, accept them, and adjust them.

Understand emotions: The root of emotions is thoughts rather than facts

Accept emotions: Everyone has emotions, only dead people have no emotions

Adjust emotions: Transform Our thoughts about facing the facts can adjust our emotions

Let yourself live in the present, stay aware (know that you are emotional, see the thoughts that cause the emotion), and be in the present every moment .

When you see a flower, it is just a flower. You pick it and keep it as your own. This is your desire.

When you see a mountain, it is just a mountain. You want to climb up and conquer it. This is your desire. It's your ambition;

When you see water, it's just water. You want to dive in and find out. This is your curiosity...

Stay aware and live in the moment. You can control your emotions and be happy.

This is the first part of tonight’s micro class:

1. Distinguish between facts and ideas

2. Know that the root of emotions is ideas, not facts

3. Learn to regulate emotions by changing your thoughts

Have you learned it?

The second half of tonight’s micro class is even more important!

Back to the title again: Mistaking "ideas" for "facts", you need to "change a pair of glasses" to see the world clearly. What does "changing a pair of glasses" mean?

Most people study to solve problems, while only a small number of people study to study knowledge. The parents in our group are willing to learn to solve various problems in parent-child education, and some of them are willing to learn to achieve better results at work. I have always advocated the use of "effective communication" to solve various problems encountered in life and work, especially relationship problems.

Parent-child relationship, husband-wife relationship, mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship, work team member relationship, customer relationship, etc., through effective communication, this relationship will become closer and more harmonious, so that the final result will appear naturally.

In the field of effective communication, we particularly emphasize "understanding the other party", or making the other party feel that "you understand him very well" or "you understand him better than he does himself".

When a person is deeply understood,

He will open his heart and be willing to let you enter his inner world

When a person is deeply understood, When a person is deeply understood,

he will excrete all the bad emotions and regain his life

When a person is deeply understood,

you will have the opportunity to Guide his way of thinking and belief system, so that he can fundamentally change.

To understand each other, we often use the method of "empathy". I will focus on this "empathy" below, because many people use it wrongly, so they cannot solve the problem.

The so-called perspective-taking has two meanings:

Transposition: exchanging positions, assuming that you are in the other person's position

Thinking: Who is thinking?

After swapping places, it’s “who’s thinking”? This is a huge misunderstanding! I have seen that many people are thinking with their "own heads" after "exchanging places". This is not okay! Doing this will not make the person opposite have a feeling of "you understand me, you understand me". What's worse is that you may quarrel because of your differences in opinions. How can you solve the problem in this way?

The correct approach is that after changing positions, you still need to put on the "other party's colored glasses" to look at the matter. You have these two conditions at the same time (changing positions and changing glasses) to feel the incident. Be aware of the other person's emotions and feelings at that moment, and be aware of the other person's thoughts and thoughts at that moment, and you will become completely 100 one with the other person (because you are him at that moment), so you fully understand the decision he made in the first place. It is completely reasonable (you understand the other person), so when you express your feelings and thoughts in empathy, the other person will feel "You understand me so well! You understand me so well"! With this premise, the following things will be easier to handle.

Remind me again, never bring your own subjective assumptions (your own colored glasses) into this process. Only by using the other person’s colored glasses to see things can you come to the same conclusion. It’s the other person’s choice, because everyone will make the best choice for themselves. Once you bring in your own subjective assumptions, you will deviate from the true process of the evolution of the event, and you will not be able to fully understand the other party.

Here is a friendly reminder to those professional psychological counselors, teachers who receive case consultations, war gods who want to become sales elites, aunts who mediate conflicts in neighborhood committees, and mothers who are helpless against the mythical beasts in your family. ..You must fully understand the essence of "empathy" so that you can effectively solve the problems you encounter.

Each of us looks at the world through our own "tinted glasses". We are in the same world, but why we see completely different scenery is because we each have colored glasses. Glasses are different.

The so-called "colored glasses" refer to our values ??and our thinking patterns. In other words, empathy means that after exchanging positions, you must use "the other person's values" and "use the other person's thinking model" to look at the matter. Only then can you understand the rationality of the matter. As the saying goes, "When anything goes wrong, there must be a demon." This "demon" is something you think is abnormal, so it is a "demon." This "demon" comes from the other person's "colored glasses." When you put on the other person's colored glasses, this "demon" The "demon" is no longer a "demon", and things become "reasonable" and no longer "abnormal."

Many mothers in the group like to watch TV dramas. Let me use an analogy to help you understand better.

It's like a 50-episode TV series. If you suddenly only watch the 38th episode, you will be confused about the plot. You will not understand a certain choice of the characters in the drama, or even find it unbelievable. Why? Because you haven’t watched the previous 37 episodes, you don’t know what happened in the previous 37 episodes. You don’t know what kind of plot evolution this character has experienced before, and you don’t know what impact these previous plot evolution experiences have had on him. , what kind of values ??and thinking patterns prompted him to form... You don't understand these, so you can't understand his choices at that moment. If you started watching it from the first episode and knew the evolution process along the way, you would be able to understand that this character's choice at that moment was completely reasonable and there was no "demon" in it. The environment determines ecology, and the humanistic environment (education, family relationships, interpersonal interactions, etc.) determines people's values, personality traits, temperament...

So here is a reminder: Don't criticize, accuse, or deny easily. other people. The reason is simple: if you experience the same life story as him, you may not necessarily do better than him, so we are not qualified to judge others. Being yourself is the greatest contribution to the world! Staying at home and going out less during special times is the greatest contribution to the current epidemic prevention and control.

Continuing on, we know that empathy means exchanging positions, exchanging heads, and looking at things with the other person's values ??and thinking patterns. Then the next more important question comes: How do we know what the other party’s colored glasses look like? In other words, how do we know each other’s values ??and thinking patterns?

The answer is one word: listen

Two words: listen

Three words: listen carefully

Four words: depth Listening

Hear the other person’s emotional feelings (the feeling at the beginning of the incident, the other person’s current feeling at this moment)

Hear the other person’s thinking and logical pattern

Listen to the other person values

Hear the other person’s original intention and wishes

...

If a person is unwilling to listen to others,

that is Because of arrogance;

A person who cannot understand others,

It is because of lack of learning and poor level.

If you can’t listen, you can’t communicate

A person who can listen may become a master of communication

Listen, express, confirm...

Keep listening, keep expressing, keep confirming...

(Confirmation is to let the other party confirm what you hear, understand, and feel in the process Whether the various emotions and various thoughts deduced are consistent with the actual situation of the other party)

In the end, you will develop a peerless martial arts: Shaolin Taxin Tong. You will know when the other person has a thought.

Communication cannot solve all problems, but we can solve any problem through effective communication.

Communication requires learning, and communication requires training

Repeated training and gradual improvement

The improvement of your communication level depends on:

Who is teaching you? Who's taking you?

Who helps you identify and solve problems during training?

?The coaching level determines the performance of the players!

Pan Haisong

April 11, 2020

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