Tell a few good jokes

1. One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and roared: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!

2. Boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a clear line: animals cross the line. Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line, and the woman slapped the man hard: you are not even as good as an animal! -

3. One day, I met a foreign guest. He said, I'm Hong, and the foreign guest said, I'm Fang Qi! -

Zaizai was repaired by his father. He went to his mother to complain: "Mom, what would you do if someone hit your son?" Mom: "I want to avenge his son!" " "Son" ... "-

An old lady can't read, but she likes listening to the radio. The weather forecast must be heard every day. One day at dinner, I asked my family, "I have a question." Do you know where it is? It rains almost every day there. " -

6. A little mouse on the cliff waved its short front paws and jumped down again and again, trying to learn to fly. The mother bat next to her looked at it and said anxiously, Dad, don't tell it, it's not ours! -

7. My friends and I went to the top of Mount Tai to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed to the sky and said, "I see it!" " "I saw it too!" At this time, someone in the distance came out with trousers and scolded: "See it when you see it!" " What are you yelling about? " -

1. Ghost: God, next time I want to be as white as an angel with wings, but I still want to suck blood. -

God: Then reincarnate as a nurse. -

4. When a boy secretly loves a girl, he has the courage to ask her what kind of boy she likes-

The girl who "hit it off" answered and asked several times, and the answer was the same-

The boy was very discouraged and said, "Can you have a flat head?" . -

One day, I was out of breath to catch the last bus and shouted: Master! Master, wait for me ~-

Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me slowly, Wukong, stop chasing-

7. After the performance of the beautiful Mongolian actress, the leader came to the stage to receive her, and then her hand asked her if she was cold or warm. She refused to let go for a long time and kindly asked, What's your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Maragobi Matsumoto"—

8. A man bought a parrot that can only speak two words. One day, when the master was not at home, a ventilator knocked at the door. -

Parrot: Who is it? -

A: Gas converter-

Parrot: Who is it? -

A: Gas converter.

……-

There was a man lying in front of his master's house, and the master wondered, who is this-

Inside the door: gas converter-

9. A person saw a pile of things on the road, squatted down and smelled it, said it might be poop, touched it with his hand and licked it in his mouth. It was really poop, but fortunately he didn't step on it! ~-

10. The doctor asked the patient how the fracture happened. A: I feel sand in my shoes, so I shake my shoes with a telephone pole. I shook and shook ... a man thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two. -

1 1. A professor is giving a lecture on the spot: "Don't be afraid of being dirty in scientific research. . . "Then he squatted down, poked the cow dung on the ground with his finger, and then put his finger in his mouth and licked it clean. A classmate quickly said, "I'm not afraid of being dirty." . . "Then I poked the cow dung on the ground with my finger and licked it in my mouth. Professor: "Besides, I should be good at observation. I just poked dung with my middle finger, but I licked my index finger. . . "-

12. In a public toilet, Mr. A was constipated and couldn't pull it out for a long time. Then another man, Mr. B, rushed in, just squatted down and pulled happily. After listening, Mr. A said, "Dude, I really envy you. You are so happy." Mr. B said, "What is there to envy? I haven't taken off my pants yet ... "

13. A gentleman was practicing riding a bike when a pedestrian came up to him. A gentleman panicked and shouted, "Stop! Stop! " The pedestrians stopped in a daze. But a gentleman rode so badly that he knocked down a pedestrian. Pedestrians got up and got angry: "You told me to stop! You have a good aim, don't you! " -

14. Beautiful sister, 2 years old. One day, I called her mother and the little guy answered the phone. Out of courtesy, I also want to say hello to her. "Honey, where's mom?" "Go to Huaguoshan!" "..." "Honey, what are you doing?" "Aunt, you are so funny. I'm not calling you! " -

My colleague's son, 4 years old. A classic saying: "When I was young ..."

15. There was an accident on the expressway-the tortoise trampled the cow to death. The police are investigating the cause of the accident and say, snail: How did the tortoise hit you? The lying cow in plaster recalled sadly: I don't remember, he was too fast! -

16. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice. When he was really bored, he began to pull out his own hair, one ... one ... one ... one ... one ... one ... one ... one ... one ..........

17. My colleague's daughter is a little beauty embryo. When she comes back from kindergarten, her mother often asks her, "Beauty, did anyone call you that today?" The little girl sighed: "I guess they see me too much, so they think I'm not beautiful." -

18. A couple gave birth to a little boy after contraceptive failure. The child clenched his fist and kept laughing. The nurse broke his fist and found birth control pills in it. Then the little boy said, "You two want to kill me, it's not that easy, hahahaha ..."

19. Two people went to the mountain to play. A man accidentally slipped and fell off a cliff. His companion shouted anxiously, "how are you, brother?" Are you all right? " I only heard the person who fell answer "I don't know, I'm still falling ~ ~ ~"—

20. I also thought of a cyclist who didn't hold the handlebar and put his hands on his chest. A traffic policeman saw it and said, Good palms! The man replied, Hello, comrades-

22. The two brothers were chased by the tiger, and the younger brother really couldn't run, so he said, "Brother, let's stop running and kill this beast." The eldest brother said, "Don't talk nonsense, I can't run, just run past you." -

23. Noodles were beaten by steamed bread. I asked my cousin for instant noodles for revenge. When I saw the bean bag, the instant noodles were beaten to pieces. When I came back, I said to the noodles, Don't worry, I've finished. -

24. After getting on the bus, a fashionable woman took out a paper towel and wiped it for a while. She was just about to sit down and fart. A man next to her smiled and said, "I'm Kao, so fucking clean, I have to blow it after I wipe it"—

Penguins are bored, so they want to go to the North Pole to play with polar bears-

Walking, walking for many years, is coming, suddenly remembered that the gas at home was not turned off-

So I went back, walked for many years, turned off the gas, started over, walked for many years-

I finally came to the door of the polar bear and knocked on the door:-

-Polar bear! Come out and play! -

Polar bear:-

-Stop playing. -

26. In junior high school, a math teacher talked about equation transformation. On the podium, he rolled up his sleeves and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……-

27. A judge squinted and tried three suspects, A, B and C, in one day.

The judge said to A, "Did you steal it?" -

A: "No"

The judge was furious: "I didn't ask you." -

"I didn't say anything either," C said.

28. On the plane, the crow said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water", and the pig said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water, too!" After hearing this, the stewardess threw the crow and the pig out of the plane together. The crow smiled and said to the pig, "Don't be silly, I can fly ~ ~ ~-"

29. A rabbit walked into a shop and asked the boss, Do you sell carrots here? The wife said: no, after a while, the rabbit asked again, do you sell carrots here? The boss impatiently said no! After a while, the rabbit asked again, and the boss finally couldn't bear it: if you make trouble again, I'll cut your ear off with scissors! -

After a while, the rabbit came again: Do you sell scissors here? The boss said: No. Rabbit asks again: Do you sell carrots here? ...

3 1. A king wanted to marry a princess and put an apple on her head. Whoever wants to shoot will have a chance to marry the princess.

The first man shot the apple and said, "I'm Robin." -

The second man also shot the apple. He said, "I am Hou Yi." -

The third man accidentally shot the princess and said, "I'm sorry …"-

32. Someone was practicing in a mental hospital, and suddenly a psycho came after him with a kitchen knife. The man turned his head and ran until he reached a dead end, thinking it was over. The patient said, here's the knife. It's your turn to chase me. -

33. The stewardess advised passengers to fasten their seat belts.

"The plane made a forced landing for the last time, and everyone who didn't wear a seat belt fell bloody."

Q: "The one with the seat belt."

A: "Nothing, everyone is seated, just like the living." -

A new sculpture was built in a school-a girl holding a book in her left hand and a pigeon in her right hand. The school leaders openly call the students names in the school. There was an endless stream of replies, and one of them was the loudest: reading is for birds! -

36. Boyfriend and girlfriend go shopping together.

Girlfriend: Ouch, my feet are so sore. -

Boyfriend is nervous: What's the matter? Did you step on a lemon? -

37. The bear asked the white rabbit, "Have you lost your hair?" The white rabbit said, "No."The bear asked, "Did you really lose your hair?" The white rabbit said, "It really won't fall off," so the bear wiped his ass with the white rabbit.

38. The little white rabbit goes to the bakery: Boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: No, the little white rabbit came again the next day: Boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: Sorry, there isn't. -

On the third day, the white rabbit came in: Boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: I'm sorry, but I still don't have it. -

The fourth day, the little white rabbit came skipping: boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: Great! There are a hundred steamed buns today ~! -

White Rabbit: Great! Give me two! -

39. Father and son take the bus. -

Son: Dad, when will it arrive? -

Father: Stop it. -

Son: When will it stop? -

Father: I stopped when I arrived. -

40. A man and a tiger are tied to two trees respectively. There is a candle under the rope that tied the tiger, and the rope is almost burned out. If the rope is burned, the tiger will eat the man. As a result, the man said a word and was not eaten by the tiger-

He said, "Happy birthday! ! "The tiger blew out the candle. ...

42. The girl asked her boyfriend, "What do you like about me?" -

Boyfriend is stuck. "I, I, I, I like you to stay away from me"—

43. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, caught nothing and went home. -

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but found nothing and went home. -

On the third day, the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, and a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:-

If you use carrots as fucking bait again, I'll kill you! -

44. A gentleman was afraid to open his eyes when flying for the first time. 15 minutes later, he opened his eyes, looked out of the window and shouted, "Oh, it's so high, people are like ants!" -

The neighbor said, "That's an ant. The plane has not taken off yet. " -

45. My girlfriend texted me: "Let's break up!" -

After a while, I received another message: "Sorry, I sent it wrong! ! "-

46. Sanmao went to the hair salon to do her hair, and said to the stylist, braid my hair. The stylist accidentally dropped a San Mao's hair. San Mao said with a sigh, that's good. But the stylist accidentally lost his root again. Sanmao saw the fire: Do you want me to have long hair?

47. Once upon a time, there was a fudge. Walking in the street for a long time, it suddenly said, my feet are so soft-

48.do you like me? -

W: Guess. -

M: I like it! -

W: guess again.

49. A mental patient was writing something, and the doctor asked, "What should I write?" -

"Write a letter." -

"To whom?" -

"me." -

"What does it say?" -

"Idiot, I didn't receive how do you know! ? "-

50. During ...

Child: He undressed and put on pants at the same time.

Teacher's comment: Is he going to take it off? Still have to wear it? -

Title: Among them-

Children: I hurt my left foot. -

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede? -

Title: One by one-

Child: After work, Dad goes home one after another. -

Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have? -

Subject: Sadness-

Child: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is really sad. -

Teacher's comment: The teacher is even sadder-

Title: Once again-

Child: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin. -

Teacher's comment: Is your mother a deformed diamond? -

Title: Look-

Children: What are you looking at? Never seen it? -

Teacher's comment: Don't delay too much-

Title: Prosperity-

Children write: bustling confession. -

Teacher's comment: Don't watch too many series! -

Topic: Delicious-

Children write: delicious fart. -

Teacher: ...

Title: Naive-

The child wrote: It's really hot today.

Teacher's comment: You are so naive-

Title: Sure enough-

The child said, I ate fruit yesterday and then drank cold water-

Teacher's comment: A sentence that cannot be separated-

Theme: ... first, then ... Example: eat first, then take a bath. -

Children: Goodbye, sir! -

Teacher's comment: .................-

Title: Besides-

Child: A train passed by, except, except, except-

Teacher's comment: Even if I die-

History teacher: Those students really can't teach. I ask questions in class.

Do you know who Wu Zetian is? The first classmate replied that she was not familiar with her, the second classmate replied that she was one of his netizens, the third classmate said that he had her QQ number and asked her after class ... Another classmate even took out his mobile phone and said that he would ask her out immediately.

Geography teacher: Look at their papers yourself. The top of five famous mountains in China is (Zhao Benshan), the most famous river is (Pan Changjiang), the coal in China is (black), and the iron in China is (hard). How can I attend class?

Chinese teacher: during class, a classmate was reading a magazine, so I confiscated his magazine and hit him on the head ... but when I turned to continue the class, his deskmate actually burst out laughing, which made the class impossible. I asked him why he was laughing. Do you know what he answered me? The boy took out a book from the drawer and said to me, "Teacher, it's a good thing you didn't find me reading, or you would kill me."

Math teacher: A classmate who has never failed in a unit exam can actually use his high school knowledge in his homework ... I asked him if he did this homework himself, and that classmate actually replied that I didn't know. Tell me what this is called. I kept asking him to tell me honestly who did it for him. Well, he had reason to answer, "Teacher, I really don't know who did this homework. To be honest, I went to bed early last night ... "

Physics teacher: Do you know how many classes I have taught, one clockwise and the other counterclockwise? Five classes! Yes, that's what I told them. I told them to look at their watches if they didn't understand. Wherever a clockwise hand goes, it is clockwise, and vice versa. However, if the whole class counts, it's either a mobile phone or an electronic watch ... I will teach them these two words for a semester unless I resign.

Biology teacher: I really don't want to go, but ... you know, I have a heart attack and can't stand being excited, but can I not be excited? Yesterday's unit exam, according to the requirements of the syllabus, I asked my classmates to look at the bird legs in the teaching pictures and write down the names and living habits of birds. But as soon as I said the content of the exam, one of my classmates stood up and walked out, shouting, "There are also such questions. I won't take the exam. " Do you think such students need education? I stopped him and asked him his name. He actually pulled his trouser leg and exposed his leg and said to me, "Come, look at my leg and write my name ..."

Art teacher: You know, I have just been assigned to this class. Yesterday in class, I heard several students shouting "beauty" as soon as I entered the door. Do you find it irritating? I am a teacher. How can they be so rude? ..... Yes, it was wrong for me to resign because they called me "beauty", but when I wanted someone to call me "beauty", those classmates shouted to me: "What are you looking at? I'm not calling you!"