A story that uses witty and humorous language to solve an embarrassing situation.

When Chu Xuanwang was in power in the spring, the power of Chu was so strong that neighboring countries dared not oppose it.

Chu Xuanwang heard that all the vassal states in the Central Plains were afraid of Zhao Xi's sympathy. He was not in the mood, so he asked his ministers, "All the vassal states are so afraid of Zhao Xi's sympathy. What is he really like? " After hearing this, the ministers were silent and didn't know how to answer.

At this time, a minister named Jiang Yi stood up and said, "I'd better tell a story first: the hungry tiger went out to look for food and caught a fox." The fox said to the tiger, "You can't eat me. God made me the king of beasts. If you eat me, it is against the divine will of God. " If you don't believe me, I can walk in front of you and you can follow me to see if all the animals are afraid of me. The tiger believed in the fox's life and followed him. Sure enough, no matter what wild animals saw them coming, they all ran away. The tiger didn't know that the beast ran away for fear of himself. I thought I was afraid of foxes! After Jiang Yi finished this story, he went on to say, "Now the king has a thousand miles of land and a million troops. He gave the military power to Zhao Xi's shirt, so all the vassal states are afraid of him. In fact, they are afraid of the king's army, just as all animals are afraid of tigers.

Laozi cleverly said that Confucius was defeated.

One day, Confucius visited Laozi and preached the Confucian thought of "benevolence and righteousness" to Laozi.

Lao Tzu said, "Mr. Kong, stop talking. Do you know that?/You know what? It's like a person winnowing chaff, lost his eyes, and can't tell the difference between southeast and northwest; Like a mosquito, I can't sleep all night. Benevolence and righteousness have disturbed my heart unconsciously, and nothing is more harmful than this. Don't let people in the world lose their natural simplicity. It's best to be as natural and obedient as the wind, and Xiu De is independent. Why do you preach benevolence and righteousness so hard? It's like beating a drum for a lost child! White cranes don't have to bathe every day, and crows don't have to dye every day. It can be seen that black and white are their natural natures and need no excuse; There is no need to publicize the glory of fame. For example, when rivers dry up, many fish are trapped on land, sucking water and moistening each other with saliva foam. It is better to forget the rivers and lakes. " Confucius had nothing to say after listening.

Confucius didn't say a word for three days after he came back from Laozi. His students asked, "Teacher, how did you persuade Mr. Lao Zi?" Confucius replied, "I really see dragons now."

Dragons, together, become a form. Parting is a brilliant literary talent. Wandering between yin and yang with the invitation of clouds, you can't keep your mouth open. What advice can I give Mr. Lao Tzu? "At this time, his student Zi Gong asked:" Teacher, is there really a life like a dead tree, moving like a kaiteng, sounding like thunder, and being silent like an abyss? Can I go and have a look? "

Confucius replied, "Well, go and have a look!"

Zigong visited Laozi in the name of Confucius, and saw Laozi sitting in the classroom, his feet spread out, casually entertaining him, and said softly, "I am old." Do you have any suggestions for me? " Zi Gong replied, "Sir, students don't give you any advice. Excuse me, sir, although the three emperors and five emperors govern the world in different ways and are all famous, you don't think they are saints. What is the reason? " Lao Tzu asked, "Young man, come forward and let me listen to you first. What's the difference between them? " Zi Gong replied: "Sir, students think that Yao was passed on to Shun, Shun was passed on to Yu, and Yu tried to control the water, but Tang used force to attack Jie, so he didn't dare to disobey, so he refused to obey, so it was different."

Lao Tzu said, "Young people come forward again, and I will tell you how the ugly emperor of Huang San ruled the world and how the Yellow Emperor ruled the world, so that people's hearts can be unified. Parents don't cry when someone dies, and others don't criticize. Shun governs the world and makes the people compete for profits. Women conceived in October and gave birth, so people began to live a life of insignificance. Governing the world makes people's hearts changeable. People have their own ideas, and killing people is a matter of course. They believe that killing thieves is not killing people, and everyone is crowded together regardless of the world. So everyone in the world panicked, and Confucianism and Mohism rose together. At first there was order, and now you are all grandstanding. What can you say? I tell you, three emperors and five emperors rule the world. Although they ruled, they actually caused great confusion. Huang San's wisdom, on the one hand, hides the light of the sun and the moon, on the other hand, destroys the essence of mountains and rivers, and in the middle, destroys the operation of the four seasons.

Their wisdom is as poisonous as snakes and scorpions. Even insects and birds are restless, and they think they are saints. They are not ashamed. What a pity! Hearing this, Zi Gong was both afraid and uneasy.

In the dialogue with Confucius and his student Zi Gong, Lao Zi tactfully used metonymy, or used things to describe people, or borrowed ancient times to describe the present, explaining that his "Tao and nature" originated in Zhuangzi. Destiny, because Zhuangzi is an important representative of Taoism, naturally stands in the position of maintaining Laozi's Taoist theory.

Laozi's Taoist theory

Confucius is 5 1 year-old, which has passed the age of "knowing destiny". He hasn't learned the Tao yet, and he's a little worried. So he went to Guo Pei to ask Lao Zi for advice.

As soon as we met, Lao Tzu asked, "Teacher Kong has come a long way. You have worked hard. I heard that you are still a sage in the north. Do you also know the truth? " Confucius said, "Sir (my surname is Li Minger) is really ashamed. I am in my early fifties and have no knowledge. " Lao Tzu asked again, "Mr. Kong, I wonder how you can seek the Tao?" Confucius replied: "Teacher Li, I started to seek Tao through calendar arithmetic, but I didn't get Tao after five years." Lao tze asked again. "Mr. Li, what happened later?" Confucius replied, "Mr. Li, later I sought the Tao through Yin and Yang, but it took me twelve years to get the Tao." Please give me your advice. "

Therefore, Lao Tzu said, "Mr. Kong, that's right. If Tao can be given to others like a gift, everyone will give it to the monarch; If Tao is given to others like food, people will give it to their parents; If the Tao can be told to others, people will tell it to their brothers; If the Tao can be left to others, people will pass it on to future generations. However, these are impossible, for the simple reason that if there is no definite view in the heart, the Tao will remain in the heart; Because of the inconsistency between the outside and the inside, Tao cannot be implemented. If the leader from the heart is not accepted by the outside world, the sage will not speak to the outside world; When it is introduced from the outside, and the heart has no opinion about it, the sage will take it to heart. Famous all over the world.

Don't take too much; Renyi is like the inn where the emperor used to live. Only one night, not long. If you stay too long, there will be something wrong. The cleverest people in ancient times entrusted their lovers and proper manners to Tao and lived freely in the realm of freedom. Living in a humble field and standing in a self-sufficient garden house, the so-called leisure is inaction; Simple life, self-sufficiency, means not asking others; Don't spend it if you don't give it. The ancients called this practice collection behavior. Pursuing a rich imperial secretary will not give up his salary; A man who pursues fame and gain will not give up his reputation; A person obsessed with power will give up power next time. When they master these, they will feel fear; Once you lose these, you will feel sad again. These people have no opinions at all, and they can't see what they are trying to pursue. From a natural point of view. These people complain, take sides, gain, give, criticize, teach, live and die as if they were being punished. These eight methods are the methods to correct people's behavior. Only those who conform to natural changes and are not rigid can correctly use these eight methods. Therefore, self-righteous people can be upright. If his heart can't do this, then his heart can't be comfortable and he can't get the Tao.

Jie Jin's witty remarks helped us through the difficulties together.

On one occasion, Jie Jin accompanied Zhu Yuanzhang to go fishing in Jinshui River, but he found nothing after fishing all morning. Zhu Yuanzhang was so depressed that he ordered Jie Jin to write poems. It's disappointing enough not to catch any fish. How to write this poem? Poor writing is undoubtedly adding fuel to the fire. Jie Jin deserves to be a talented person. After a little thought, he read aloud, "If you throw a silk into the water, the golden hook will be thrown away forever.". Those who dare not go to the emperor, long live the dragon. " Hearing this, Zhu Yuanzhang was overjoyed. Jie Jin pulled through successfully.

Fu Bi made this behavior worth your life.

During the years of Kangding and Qingling in Song Renzong, Xixia invaded the border of Song Dynasty and launched large-scale military attacks many times. Lord Qidan took the opportunity to send envoys to discuss the land issue in Guannan. These lands were cut to Qidan at the end of the Jin Dynasty and later recovered by Zhou Shizi. Injong sent Fu Bi to Khitan, indicating the attitude of the imperial court.

Fu Bi said to the Khitan Lord, "We have been friends for forty years. Why do we suddenly ask for the cession of land?"

The Lord of the Khitan Kingdom said, "What are you going to do when the Southern Dynasties violated the Covenant, blocked Yanmenguan, increased pond water, built city walls and registered militia? My courtier asked for an expedition to the south, so I said it would be better to send an envoy to ask for land division. If we can't achieve our goal, it's not too late for us to send troops again. "

"Have you forgotten the greatness of the Northern Emperor Zhang Sheng?" Fu Bi said unhurriedly, "If the emperor had listened to the generals in the battle of Geyuan, the armies of the Northern Dynasties would not have escaped.

Moreover, between the Northern Dynasties and China, the monarch enjoyed its own benefits, and the liegeman got nothing; Fighting the soldiers will make the interests belong to the subjects, and the monarch will only bear the disaster of war. So those who advise you to fight are thinking for themselves. Now China has conquered Wan Li, with a million soldiers. North Korea is going to fight, can it guarantee a certain victory? If you win by luck, will the lost military forces be supplemented by the governors?

Or will it be borne by the monarch? If the two countries have friendly exchanges and keep in touch, the old coins (according to the stipulations of the Yuan League, the Song Dynasty gave Khitan 65,438+202,000 silver and 202,000 silk each year, called' old coins') will all be owned by the monarch. What benefits will the ministers have? "I heard that, the qidan lords suddenly woke up and nodded. Fu Bi went on to say: "The blockade of Yanmenguan is to guard against Yuan Wu in Xixia; Where did increasing the water in the pond begin, and it happened before the two countries did not communicate well. The city god was rebuilt because it was worn out; The purpose of registering the militia is to fill the vacancy, not to violate the Covenant. Lord Khitan said, "Even so, the land in Guannan was handed down by our ancestors and should be returned to us. "

Fu Bi retorted: "The late Jin bribed the Khitan with Lulong's land, and Zhou Shizong reclaimed Guannan's land, all of which were different generations ago. If we each want to recover our own territory, will it be beneficial to Qidan? "

When he came out of the Khitan State, Liu Dui, a courtier of the Khitan State, said, "What if our country is ashamed to accept money and silk and insists on dividing the county into 10?"

Fu Bi calmly replied: "I told the emperor to protect the land for my ancestors. How dare I give it to others?" All the North Korea needs is taxes. I couldn't bear to let the two peoples die in the war, so although I didn't give Khitan land, I got more money and silk. If Qidan insists on sealing the land of the south, it is sincere to destroy the good Covenant between the two dynasties, and it is only an excuse. "

The next day. King Qidan asked Fu Bi to go hunting with him. He led Fu Bi's horse close to him and said to Bi Gong, "If I get the land of Guannan, the two dynasties can enjoy happiness and reconciliation forever."

"Since the Northern Dynasties were proud of acquiring land," Fu Bi replied haughtily, "the Southern Dynasties must be ashamed of losing land. How can a brotherly country share weal and woe? "

When Liu came back from hunting, he said to him, "Your master was deeply touched by your words of honor and disgrace. Now we can only talk about marriage. "

Fu Bi patiently enlightened and said, "Getting married in the future is prone to bad blood. I married princess royal, and my dowry was only 65,438+10,000. Where is it comparable to the annual currency that can never enjoy the benefits? "

After Fu Bi returned to the imperial court, he reported the negotiation situation to Injong, and Injong agreed to increase the annual currency. Fu Bi once again came to Qidan.

King Khitan said: "Since the Southern Dynasties added New Year's money to us, the wording should be' dedication'." Southern dynasties are big brothers, where can there be a saying that big brothers donate money to younger brothers? "Fu Bi retorted.

"then you should use the word' na'."

Fu Bi didn't agree.

Prince Khitan threatened: "Since the Southern Dynasties promised me a large sum of money, they were afraid of us. Why not use these two words? " If we send troops south, won't you regret it "

Fu Bi retorted in a very gentle tone: "North Korea loves the people of both the North and the South, how can it be afraid to change the past agreement? If we have to fight, we will definitely win the battle on the merits, which the special envoy does not know. "

The Khitan monarch added, "Don't be stubborn. This kind of thing has existed since ancient times. "

"Since ancient times," Fu Bi thought, "only when Tang Gaozu wanted to borrow soldiers from the Turks, the gifts at that time were sometimes called" offering "and" accepting ". Later, Lippi, the leader of the Turks, was captured by Emperor Taizong. Where can this happen? "

Knowing that Fu Bi's determination could not be changed, King Qidan personally sent someone to the Northern Song Dynasty court to discuss.

The story of "being poor and not afraid"

Speaking of "being poor and not afraid", many people may find it strange. In fact, "poverty is not afraid" is the nickname of Zhu Shaowen, the founder of crosstalk.

Zhu Shaowen is a poor scholar. He is knowledgeable and eloquent and can answer ten questions at the same time.

Once, he went to Beijing to catch the exam, was caught in a heavy rain, and had to hide in a doorway for a while. In a short time, a dozen people rushed in. The host at the door is a learned scholar. When he opened the door, he saw many people dissatisfied at the door, but on second thought, why don't I try the most knowledgeable of them?

So he made a couplet for those who took shelter from the rain: "Who are the passers-by?" As soon as the first couplet was written, Zhu Shaowen said to the second couplet, "The rain stops pedestrians, that is, pedestrians go east." As soon as the host heard this, he felt that the couplet was appropriate, so he asked Zhu Shaowen to come into the room and make a bowl of tea, and said, "Give me a bowl of tea." Zhu Shaowen thought, it's enough to get a bowl of tea and make a couplet. So I made a couplet: "Help yourself." Hearing this, the host asked his family to prepare meals. After a while, the dishes were served, and the host added a couplet: "There are no dishes in the garden except vegetables." Zhu Shaowen looked out of the window and found a chicken in the henhouse. So he rolled his eyes and said the next couplet: "Why cook the yellow chicken in the cage?"

Hearing this, the master thought that this man was really capable, so he killed the chicken and drank with Zhu. They drank until the evening. When the host got tired of drinking, he made a couplet: "Listen to the jingle upstairs. What time is it? " Zhu Shaowen was in no hurry, and Lele made a bottom line: "I just think there is a little laughter in front of the whole class."

The host had no choice but to go to bed. Zhu Shaowen didn't stop until dawn. Suddenly, he went into the kitchen, took out a kitchen knife and sat on the threshold to grind it. The master heard the sound of sharpening the knife and looked out of the window, stunned. He said to Zhu Shaowen, "Why are you grinding with a knife?" Zhu Shaowen leisurely wrote the second couplet: "I would rather die than return." The host almost fainted, put on his shoes quickly, went down to the ground and said, "You are dead, isn't it official?" Zhu Shaowen made another couplet: "If I want to live, I have to spend 12 sets of money!" Helpless, the host quickly took out twelve taels of silver and sent him to the door, saying, "Go, go, go!" " "Zhu Shaowen turned his head and smiled at the couplet next to him:" Home Inn, come and come, come and come again. " The master was so angry that he almost fell down.

Xu Wenchang's famous paintings are very clever.

Kun Cai Wencang, a great squire in southern Fujian, has many ancient calligraphy and paintings, some of which were obtained through fraud.

On this day, he was afraid that these ancient calligraphy and paintings would be hidden in the box forever, moldy and deteriorated, and turned into waste products. He took them out of the gate and hung them on the wall facing the street to dry thoroughly.

When Xu Wenchang heard the news, he came to watch the excitement.

In a short time, people have stood in front of the painting, looking at this "Nanshan Tiger" and that "Eight Arrays". They are bustling and full of praise. Xu Wenchang was among the crowd at this moment. After a while, he really saw the flaws in an ancient painting. Just as he was about to burst out, he quickly stopped his tongue and said to himself, "This Kun Wen is a bully in southern Fujian, and most of his calligraphy and painting are of incorrect origin. It is better to earn one for him with wisdom and make him sad. "

He thought about it and shouted, "It's wrong! Wrong painting! "

Kun's eyes widened and he scolded, "Son of a bitch! That's bullshit！ This is a famous painting "Bullfighting Array". Why is it wrong? Get out of here! "

Kun was afraid of ruining his reputation and his prestige of being good at hiding Chinese paintings, so he grabbed his arm and pulled it out!

"Don't raise your hand! Yes, cut off my head! "

"If there is a mistake, send it to you for free!" Kun Cai Wen roared.

"Really?" "true"

Xu Wenchang walked to the front of the "Bullfighting Array" and said to everyone: "Just now, Master Kun said that he could tell me the mistake of this painting, so he generously gave it to me. Everyone heard it and witnessed it. Master Kun, you won't regret it? " Xu Wenchang's "general" will be an "army" in Cai Wen.

Kun was angry and urged, "Point! Can't point it out and cut it-"

Before Kun finished speaking, he pointed to two protruding tails and said, "When two cows fight, all their strength is spent on the corner. When they move forward, their tails will get in the way. Therefore, when drawing bullfights, they should be drawn between two gun butts and clamped. Look, these two cows are cocking their tails. How do they fight? "

Hee hee ... Ha ha laughter ... Everyone applauded Xu Wenchang's good jokes. Xu Wenchang chose the bullfighting array very early. Kun Cai Wen was heartbroken, and he "coughed".

The eloquent speaker Jia Jiayin

In the Tang Dynasty, there was a child named Jia Jiayin. At the age of seven, he was very eloquent, and no learned adult could fool him.

Once, two older poets heard that he was clever, so they deliberately came to test him. One of them leaned against a locust tree and asked Jia Jiayin, "Tell me, what tree do I rely on?"

"Pine trees." The child replied.

"This is obviously a locust tree. How can it be said that it is a pine tree? "

Jia Jiayin does things in an orderly way. He said, "When you are so old, I will call you grandpa. Isn't there a word' pine' next to the tree? "

Hearing what Jia Jiayin said, the bored poet next to him leaned against the tree: "I'm a pine tree, too. Please call me grandpa."

The child had a brainwave and said, "The tree you rely on is not a pine tree, but a locust tree." "Why did you change your mouth again?"

The child argued: "It's not that I changed my mind, it's that the ghost is leaning against the tree, just one word' pregnant'."

The poet was really in distress situation.

Master Hayden's answer

Master Hayden, head martial arts coach of Chengdu Military Region, and Fan, martial arts coach of Chengdu Military Region, visited the United States. At a news conference, an American reporter asked, "Master and your disciples are the head martial arts coaches and coaches of the Chengdu Military Region, which is responsible for fighting Vietnam. Isn't this a violation of the killing of your Buddhism and the rules of Buddhism? " Wu Er, a sea lantern mage, said with a smile, "My friend's words need to be revised. You can't call it Vietnam, you can call it self-defense. This is one thing; Second, I am a compassionate Buddha, and good and evil must be separated, punishing evil and promoting good. The Vietnamese authorities are ungrateful, turning against their neighbors, harassing the border and killing innocent people. As a Buddhist in China, how can they sit idly by? " A word won everyone's praise: "reasonable, reasonable."

Before he finished, Master Hayden continued to make a statement: "China soldiers reappear the Lohan, which is deeply trusted by the Lebanese people. Lao Na is willing to do his bit to show his heart. " As soon as the voice fell, another American reporter asked, "The mage said that China's army is trustworthy. What is the basis? "

"I am a Buddhist, and I know very little about things in the world. This is a frog in the well. However, I still have a say in the virtues of China soldiers. " The mage looked around at the reporters under the stage and said modestly, "If nothing else, just briefly introduce what you saw and heard. As mentioned earlier, the soldiers of China spared no effort and suffered a lot to punish the Vietnamese aggressors and defend the mountains and rivers. This is a case; 198 1 year, Sichuan was flooded and Liangjia was flooded. Women and children, old and young, are at stake, and it is the autumn of life and death. Suddenly, the army came to the rescue like a heavenly soldier. This is the second situation. Take the common people to the next level. Several soldiers and militiamen are active in Qinglian Township, Jiangyou, Sichuan, Li Bai's hometown, building hydropower stations ... "The master listed 23 cases of righteous acts for the country and the people, then closed his eyes and whispered," This virtue is boundless, good, good! " Reporters all appreciated the master's speech.

Lincoln and the priest

1843, Abraham. Lincoln became the candidate of Illinois and the Democratic Party, and Peter of the Democratic Party. Cartwright ran for the state's seat in Congress.

Cartwright is a famous priest. He used his favorable position to attack Lincoln for not recognizing Jesus, and even slandered Jesus as an "asshole", causing a storm in the city, and Lincoln's prestige among voters plummeted.

Lincoln has a plan. Once, Lincoln learned that Cartwright was going to give lectures and sermons on a certain religion, so he went into the church on time and sat in a conspicuous position piously, intending to let the priest see it. Cartwright thought it was a good opportunity for Lincoln to make a fool of himself. When the priest's speech reached its climax, he suddenly said to his followers, "Those who are willing to give their hearts to God and want to go to heaven stand up!" " All the believers stood up.

"Sit down!" Cartwright continued mumbling prayers, and then said, "All those who don't want to go to hell stand up!" " "Of course, Christian Huo Ran stood up.

At this time, the priest said in a mysterious and serious voice, "I see that everyone is willing to give their hearts to God and enter heaven. I see that except one person." The only exception is the famous Mr Lincoln. Where are you going? "

Lincoln stood up calmly, facing the priest, but actually facing the voters, and said calmly, "I came here as a humble listener." I didn't expect the Cartwright Brotherhood to call me by my name alone. This is a great honor. " I think: the questions raised by the Cartwright brothers are very important, but I feel that I can't answer them like others. He asked me directly where I was going, and I was willing to answer equally frankly: I was going to Congress. "

The people present were conquered by Lincoln's eloquent and witty language, and even forgot that they were in the church, applauding warmly, which made Cartwright flustered.

When a foreign diplomat visited Lincoln, he happened to find him shining his shoes.

"Mr. President, do you clean your shoes yourself?"

"Yes, what's the matter? Whose shoes do you clean yourself? "

Lincoln is one of the most humorous American presidents, and sometimes he laughs at himself. People all know that Lincoln is ugly, and so does he.

Once, he argued with Douglas, who said he was two-faced. Lincoln replied, "Now, let the audience comment. If I had another face, do you think I would wear it? " ! "

Lincoln once defended a soldier who gave up his post. He said to the soldier's officer, "This matter is up to you." If Almighty God gave this man a pair of timid feet, how could he keep him from chasing them? "

In the early days of the founding of the People's Republic of China, foreign journalists asked Premier Zhou defiantly, why do people in your country walk with their heads down? Premier Zhou said, because we are going uphill!

An American reporter saw a Parker pen in Premier Zhou's pocket and asked: Doesn't China make pens? With the pen of our country, the Prime Minister said that it was given to me by a general who resisted US aggression and aided Korea, and it was his trophy. Can I not carry it with me?

Lincoln is one of the most humorous American presidents, and sometimes he laughs at himself. People all know that Lincoln is ugly, and so does he.

Once, he argued with Douglas, who said he was two-faced. Lincoln replied, "Now, let the audience comment. If I had another face, do you think I would wear it? " ! "

Lincoln once defended a soldier who gave up his post. He said to the soldier's officer, "This matter is up to you." If Almighty God gave this man a pair of timid feet, how could he keep him from chasing them? "