After your child is tired of studying, you think you are doing your best for your child, but in fact it is not suitable for him.

When many parents encounter that their children are tired of studying at home, they often try their best to change the fact that their children are tired of studying, instead of changing their own attitude towards the fact that their children are tired of studying.

As a result, many parents take time to travel with their children, hoping to improve the parent-child relationship through travel and relaxation. This has become the first choice for most parents of children who are tired of studying at home.

The reason why parents make this choice is because they want to compensate their children with all the "good things" they think are good for their children.

Ayun is now such a mother who is trying her best to "compensate her child" because her son has been tired of studying for almost a year.

Ayun’s son has often felt lonely and helpless since he got tired of studying at home, so he hides at home all day playing online games or watching short videos on his tablet. He is not very willing to go out, even to accompany his parents. walk.

Ayun was worried that her son would develop problems if he stayed at home for a long time. She tried every means to express her "goodness" to her child and try her best to compensate for the emptiness and lack in her child's heart.

Ayun has only one thought: Even if he wrongs himself or suppresses himself, he must make his children as happy as possible and return to school as soon as possible.

One day, Ayun sent me a private message online. In order to allow her children to resume school as scheduled in September, she invited her children to travel to Shanghai with her and her husband half a month ago.

At first, the child agreed to travel together. According to Ayun's judgment, the child had some expectations for the trip to Shanghai in the past half month.

However, the night before departure, when Ayun was helping her son pack his luggage, the child clearly told her that he did not want to travel anymore.

Ayun felt very incomprehensible and told his child that the ticket for the next day had already been booked and it would be troublesome to cancel the ticket now.

The child was silent for a while and told his mother Ayun that he had agreed because he cared about his mother's feelings, otherwise he would not have wanted to go at all.

Ayun suppressed the unhappiness in his heart, and after thinking for a moment, he told his child: "Thank you for caring so much about mom. I originally wanted to make you happy when I went on this trip. Since you don't want to go, mom doesn't want to go either." If you're not happy, why don't we cancel this trip?"

After hearing this, my son quickly replied: "There is no need to cancel your trip. If something similar happens next time, you don't have to. Just think about me.”

I asked Ayun if he had calmly talked to his children about the real reason why he didn’t want to go, for example: “Oh, that’s what you thought?” Tell me the reason why you don’t want to go, okay?”

Ayun told me that afterward she asked the child why she didn’t want to go temporarily, but the child still refused to tell her.

I asked Ayun again: "So, what does your husband think about the fact that the child does not want to travel for the time being?"

Ayun's reply: "My husband said the child It’s not that he doesn’t want to go, he just wants us to hang around him and pay attention to him.”

After listening, I thought about it for a while. I asked Ayun: "What do you think of the child's temporary cancellation of travel?"

Ayun said that she really couldn't figure out the reason for her child's temporary cancellation of travel, and she could only make random guesses at the moment. Over the past year, her child has been tired of studying. In order to compensate her child and to be a good mother and wife, she has really paid too much.

Ayun’s son actually told his mother a month ago that he would take the initiative to resume school in September. However, as the start of school approached, the child became obviously irritable and uneasy.

Ayun was worried that her children would temporarily shrink from returning to school, so she discussed with her husband that she wanted to take her children to Shanghai for a trip before school started so that they could relax and relax.

Since the child was tired of studying at home, the repeated negative emotions and the increasing alienation of the parent-child relationship often put Ayun in a dilemma. This time the child's temporary change of heart almost brought Ayun to the edge of collapse.

Ayun felt that she had been so "good" to her child over the past year, but her child always had this attitude, and she no longer knew what to do next.

We have seen many mothers like Ayun, who seem to be more responsible for their children after their children are tired of studying at home. They try to use various self-righteous "good" things to convey their love to their children. Love, but why do children always not appreciate it?

Have you ever thought about what is going on in the parent-child relationship?

I believe that many parents have not thought about this issue carefully. Most people, like Ayun’s husband, think that their children are doing it on purpose to ask for their parents’ attention.

I want to tell you here, in fact, if you think this way, you are very wrong.

When the child can calmly tell his mother, I actually don’t want to go at all. I only agreed to take your feelings into consideration.

Here we want to see that this child who was tired of studying at home for nearly a year learned to express his true thoughts to his parents bravely and was able to tell his true thoughts about this trip.

So I told Ayun that the child’s year at home has not been in vain. His views on various things around him have gradually become clearer, and his behavior has begun to show courage.

Why do I say this? Because many children who are tired of studying at home do not know how to express their true thoughts to their parents in a healthy way.

Deep down in their hearts, they still feel ashamed of their dislike of studying. They feel that they can't help their parents, and they are always surrounded by a deep sense of guilt.

Therefore, most children who are tired of studying at home have too much loneliness, discomfort, and irritability in their hearts, and are easily depressed or anxious. They can only play games all day or go out to find friends to play with. , gradually alienating and avoiding parents.

Why do children who are tired of studying at home behave like this? Why can't children bravely tell their true thoughts to their parents?

Because usually the vast majority of parents will not really accept their children not going to school. Adults say "accept" in their mouths and think "accept" in their minds, but in fact they are very angry or helpless in their hearts. It feels shameful, and children see this more clearly than their parents.

So, I told Ayun: "You care very much about your role as a responsible mother. When your child is tired of studying, you use what you think is good for your child to compensate for it, but you never stop and take good care of your child." If you are aware of what the child is saying and thinking, the child will naturally resist because he knows very well that what you do and say is not suitable for him and cannot help him. "

Ayun was puzzled. She retorted to me and said: "Over the past year, I have been reflecting on the mistakes of my past education, and I have been learning to correct them. Why can't my children always feel that I am good to them?"

Here, Ayun In fact, it confuses the concept of "being good to children". I told her that "what the mother thinks is good for the child" does not mean "the child feels that the mother is good to him."

The former belongs to the mother’s rational evaluation, and the latter belongs to the child’s perceptual cognition. The two are completely different categories.

I always emphasize that adolescent children need their parents to listen attentively to their views on people, things, and things, and to gain support or empathy from their parents, rather than to reason with them. , giving advice, giving answers or empty comfort.

So, I often say: "Parents who can listen well to their children can express their inner feelings to their children well."

Only when parents are soft-hearted, Only then can you naturally show your kindness to your children, which in itself is a manifestation of your compassion for another life.

When a child is unwilling to communicate deeply with his parents or refuses certain requests from his parents, I think this is a normal process of the child's inner self-construction, as long as the way the child expresses this unwillingness or rejection is healthy.

Because parent-child communication is not meant to be - children should listen to adults, and children should take the initiative to communicate with adults.

Parent-child communication is more about letting the child feel that the parents have actually been listening to him carefully. If the child does not want to speak or refuses to connect, the parents must respect his choice and allow him to do so. behavior.

This kind of parent-child communication will be a free and equal connection, which allows the child to truly feel the care and "goodness" of his parents.

When Ayun’s child expresses the view that “I don’t want to travel, I only agreed because I expected my mother’s feelings”, adults do not need to worry about whether the child’s point of view “should not be broken”, let alone To evaluate whether the child "doesn't see how good his parents are to him."

Here, my suggestion to Ayun is to first find out whether your original intention is "Let's travel with our children" or "Let's travel with our children."

If it is the latter - "traveling with the child", then the specific matters such as travel strategies and ticket booking for this trip to Shanghai will allow the child to fully participate, and he can even take the lead. , the adults only need to help him complete it.

This approach is a concrete manifestation of respecting the children. If Ayun had done this in advance, perhaps the children would not suddenly refuse to travel before leaving.

Secondly, Ayun also needs to find out whether what she thinks is good for her children is really suitable for her children?

The "truly suitable for children" here specifically refers to what adults say, do and think, making children feel warm and willing to maintain the mentality of "seeking upwards for the best".

Later, Ayun asked me: "Coach, if you were faced with such a brave expression from a child, how would you respond?"

I smiled and then told me Answer: "Son, it turns out that you considered your mother's feelings before agreeing to travel to Shanghai together. I'm sorry, you have been wronged in the past half month. You can reject your mother's travel suggestion at that time, because it is your right. , you are free to choose to go with us or not.”

A few days later, Ayun sent me a message: “Coach, after finishing the mindfulness practice last night, I found myself. I often say that I should be good to my children, thinking in my mind that I can accept that my children are tired of studying at home. In fact, I care about my own face. The feeling in my body tells me that I have not accepted this. In fact, I have been living. When your child is angry, you are also angry at yourself."

Finally, I would like to remind everyone that when you think you are "good" to your child, please calm down and be aware of yourself. Having such an idea means that you actually care about your own face, rather than what is truly suitable for your child.

The author is Brother Yixin, a parent-child communication coach in the rebellious period, and a spiritual growth consultant for parents. He provides one-on-one guidance to parents of children who are rebellious and tired of learning. In terms of intelligent upbringing and self-growth, he can clarify the truth of the problem and master the skills that are suitable for their children. parenting methods!