Why is it so difficult to treat children with equal respect?

First of all, equality and respect are a pair of foreign words, which came from Europe after ideological enlightenment. It played a role in emancipating people's minds at that time. Equality and respect admit that everyone's value is the same, thus releasing everyone's talents. There has been a spurt of development in various disciplines and so many masters, including mathematics, physics, chemistry, astronomy and so on. Finally, it promoted the modern civilization of mankind. Later, the concepts of equality and respect spread all over the world and merged into the mainstream values of the world.

I made this point at the beginning, not because I adore foreign things, but because it can help us realize an objective problem, that is, there is no equality and respect in China's ancient culture, or, to be precise, there is no other culture except Europe. The reason is also very simple. In ancient society, the relationship between people could not get rid of the form of ruling and being ruled, and there could be no real equality between people. This can help us understand why there is such a lack of equality and respect in China society. What is more obvious is that parents in China seldom treat their children with equal respect. Because, our bones are still influenced by the ancient culture of China.

Then there is a problem. In ancient China, the son of heaven and Shu Ren were both guilty. Today, everyone is equal before the law. Isn't this equality? I think this is a shallow equality and an external equality of rights and interests. There is also a deeper equality, equality of personality. Equality of personality means that you don't think you are superior to anyone, and you don't think you are inferior to anyone.

What we lack is equality at this level. The core reason is the obedient culture. This phenomenon can be seen everywhere in our culture. Children should listen to their parents, younger brothers should listen to their brothers, and younger generations should listen to their elders. In school, students should listen to their teachers. In society, they should listen to their leaders. And all kinds of authority. To by going up one flight of stairs, we all have to listen to the country. Today, we ask our children to study hard, have special skills and become excellent. This is to make them listen to us again. It doesn't matter whether they want to or not. Obedience culture is based on personality inequality, otherwise why should I listen to you?

We grew up in such an environment, and this logic has been formed subconsciously. That is, people are unequal. China's marriage, there must be someone who has the final say. Therefore, many times, it is because of some trivial things that you earn a red face. In essence, it is not to earn a little more money, but who is in charge is more important. Because being responsible means that my position is higher than yours. University dormitories should also be divided into eldest, second, third and fourth. Now some children worship idols, which will lower their personality to a very low level. Think about the relationships around us. Most of them are like this. Knowledge, ability, seniority, status, authority and money all make us divide people into different levels of factors. What is the state of relatively equal? Let me give you an example. In America, when the president leaves office, he has to come out to look for a job. Imagine us again.

This goes back to the question I asked at the beginning. Why is it so difficult? Because this is the way we subconsciously know the relationship, children's ability is not as strong as ours, and their status is certainly lower than ours. In addition, many families hold their children's status high because of some psychological demands, but these are not equal.

Talk about respect again. What we usually think of as respect is often just face. Face is a false self caused by narcissism. Such respect is not true, nor is it from the heart. The respected party only satisfies its narcissism. For example, when subordinates meet and bow to their leaders, they make irresponsible remarks behind their backs. Students respect their teachers on the surface, but they swear behind their backs. The same is true of children to their parents, but the strength of children is too small, and many times they dare to be angry and dare not speak. Once children express themselves in words or actions, we feel that they don't respect their parents, but parents rarely reflect on their actions.

Another feature of this respect is that they are all bottom-up. That is, people with low status should respect people with high status, but people with high status rarely care about people with low status. For example, leaders reprimand employees, teachers beat and scold students, and parents lose their temper with their children at will. These are all normal, even people will not think that this is wrong, but will say that these are all for your own good.

I still remember one time in the training class, we had lunch with an American lecturer. When we drank a toast, our cups were lower than hers. Everyone in Shandong knows what this means. In our words, this is respect, and American lecturers know it. She said it was disrespectful and didn't say anything more. Judging from her expression, she felt uneasy about it.

Respect is based on an equal relationship. I understand respect for two things. First, I don't impose my will on others. Second, I don't invade other people's living space. You have your life, I have my life, we don't interfere with each other, but we will give each other support and help.

During a break, I chatted with several classmates about my favorite things. Suddenly, a girl in Grade One of Senior High School began to cry sadly. I asked her what happened. She said that growing up, I didn't even buy a dress I liked, because as long as I said I liked it, my mother would definitely say it didn't look good. Besides, no matter what, she is making a decision for me. As soon as I heard it, I knew it was a mother who forced her will on her child. There are too many such examples around us. Isn't there a saying? There is a kind of coldness that mom thinks you are cold, and a kind of hunger that mom thinks you are hungry. Don't children know that they are hungry and cold? This actually means that your will is not important, but my will is important.

Infringement of living space is more common. Now most children have no freedom to grow up. So do many of us adults. Not being free means that some other people or things are controlling ourselves. If your own affairs are always directed and controlled by others, you will feel disrespected. For example, whether I get married or not is my business, but people around me always make irresponsible remarks about it, especially my parents. I feel disrespected. So are children. Learning is their own business. Parents always want to take care of it, and naturally there is no respect at all.

In my opinion, whether children learn or not is their own business, and I can only help them and reduce their burden. For example, I never assign homework in teaching, and I will advise him to do some corresponding exercises when he needs to do it. Of course, I will tell him that the function of doing the problem is to screen out the parts you can't understand, so as to improve the level of doing the problem. I won't blame him if he wants to do it but doesn't. I will show my understanding, analyze their psychological reasons, such as procrastination or unreasonable schedule, and try my best to help them.

So what is the use of equality and respect? The most direct effect is that people can communicate better with them. Once a child said to me, teacher, I don't think my mother speaks normally. I asked, why do you say that? She said I was joking with her, but she didn't laugh. When I say something interesting happened at school, she will immediately say that it is useless to study at school and finish it. What she usually tells me is basically what you should and shouldn't do! I can't communicate with her directly. This is obviously a judgment. But why judge? Because I am good, because I know more than you, because I have to take care of you. Not only that, but also between husband and wife. If there is no equal relationship, naturally they will not talk to each other.

The second point is more important. As mentioned above, the enlightenment thought in Europe is the Renaissance, and its main content is to overthrow the theocracy and liberate people's minds. What thoughts have you liberated? That is, man and God are equal. Respect is also needed, and people don't have to listen to God. People can also seek truth, and science is born. There is only one purpose of science from beginning to end, seeking truth. After the Renaissance, so many great scientists sprang up like mushrooms after rain because they felt their own value. So equality and respect can stimulate people's talents.

Maybe I'm going a little far. Let me give another example that is close to us. There is such a phenomenon that the school can't really learn to dominate the remedial classes. We usually think it's because they study well and don't need to attend remedial classes. But if you know them deeply, you will find this logic is wrong. They study well precisely because their parents left them alone from the beginning. Why is this happening? Because parents completely let go and let them realize that learning is their own business, they will taste the ups and downs from learning. But if learning becomes a parent's business, children will be numb to learning. Those who are obedient can get an average grade in the exam, while those who are disobedient simply do the opposite and stop learning. Therefore, children's poor academic performance is almost always caused by their parents.

I had a similar experience. At the age of 27, I began to realize the necessity of respecting myself. Start to learn to protect yourself. Pushing parents out of their lives. Reject all kinds of authority, listen to your feelings and re-establish boundaries. Many things have changed, and many of my abilities are constantly improving.

Then the question is coming, how to change it? My answer is to re-examine the relationship around us with questions, re-examine what we take for granted, try and experience. Finally, change cognition.

To sum up, because of the existence of the social rights system, most people are in charge of each other, even those closest to them. This is due to our culture. This makes it difficult for us to treat others equally. Without equality, we cannot respect each other. The boundaries between people will become blurred. For children's growth, it is difficult to give full play to their talents without equal and respectful treatment.