Practices in mutually beneficial relationships

The longest road is someone else's routine, and you haven't come out yet. What's more depressing is that you don't know this routine at all.

This is what I feel when I read the book Influence. At least I've been in society for some years, but in front of the routine, I still look like a fool in an idol drama.

Let me briefly talk about the influence of books. The author of this book is Robert B. Siodini, a famous social psychologist and a world-renowned authority on persuasion research. Because of its cutting-edge research in business ethics and policy application, it is called "the godfather of influence".

This book was recommended by my friend a long time ago, and it also appeared in some must-read books. I bought it back out of curiosity. Before reading this book, I thought that the content in the book would be biased towards theory and talk about something "tall". After all, the influence seems to be some distance from ordinary people like me. However, when I really started reading, I was deeply attracted, and this influence was really everywhere. It is staged every day, lurking around us and affecting us, but we don't know anything about it. Because this book has not been completely read, let's talk about the first influential weapon mentioned in the book-reciprocity.

According to the principle of reciprocity, we should try our best to repay what others have done for us in a similar way. Simply put, it is to repay some behaviors of others in a similar way. If someone helps you, you should repay kindness with kindness, but you can't ignore it, let alone repay kindness with evil.

Reciprocity can stabilize social relations and apply to all social cultures. Reciprocity is essential to understand the basic living conditions of human beings. The sociality of human beings is based on reciprocity, and the connection between people is also strengthened because of reciprocity.

No matter whether others offer help or we ask others for help, we will always keep this "kindness" in mind and then return it whenever we have the chance. Every debt has to be cleaned up, as if God were the castellan. Why is this happening? Courtesy is accompanied by "debt feeling", which has taken root in our hearts from the moment we accept human feelings, and will take the lead in reminding you to pay your debts quickly from time to time in the days to come.

Richard leakey, a famous archaeologist, believes that it is because of the reciprocal system that human beings become human beings. He said: "Because our ancestors learned to share food and skills in the' credit network for paying debts', we became human beings.

We often see such a scene in TV series, where an old man will feel long for people around him or far away. For decades, the debt owed by so-and-so (mostly human debt) has finally been paid back, which seems to be a matter of great satisfaction, otherwise it will die unsatisfied. It can be seen that the power of reciprocal obligation is extraordinary.

Let's take a look at another example mentioned by the author in the article. From 65438 to 0985, Ethiopia's economy was completely paralyzed, and thousands of people died of disease and hunger. It is no exaggeration to describe the situation in Ethiopia with hunger and poverty everywhere. Under such circumstances, it is normal for other countries to donate to Ethiopia, but the fact is that officials of the Ethiopian Red Letter Society donated $5,000 to Mexico to help the victims of the earthquake in Mexico City at that time. Such a move is really surprising and incredible. After investigation, it was found that although Ethiopia was in urgent need of assistance, the money that could be sent to Mexico was because Mexico provided assistance when the Italians invaded Ethiopia in 1935. Great cultural differences, the barrier of Qianshan Mountain, severe hunger and immediate self-interest have failed to organize the Ethiopian people's demand for gratitude-the sense of obligation to repay has overcome everything.

Since ancient times, the principle of reciprocity has been deeply rooted in each of us. If someone around us often accepts other people's kindness without knowing what to return, they will be rejected or kept away by our friends, and we will try our best to avoid becoming such a person.

Due to the profound influence of reciprocal obligation on us, some people began to use this gratitude for personal gain.

One of the reasons why the principle of reciprocity can be used as a strategy to win the obedience of others is that it is so powerful. Some requests may be rejected without feeling indebted; Relying on the principle of reciprocity, it is easy to make people nod. We can often see street salesmen use a small gift (usually a small doll or a pack of paper towels) to let us scan the code, do a questionnaire or bring the leaflet in his hand, even though the leaflet will be stuffed into the trash can after we walk a few steps. In fact, from the moment we received the small gift, the sense of debt began, forcing us to stop, spend a few minutes scanning the code to register, and even fill in some private information that we don't want to disclose (such as telephone number or office address, some family information, etc.). The same is true for free samples in supermarkets and free product experiences in shopping malls.

I remember wandering around a shopping mall near my home and being dragged in by a beauty salon with the gimmick of experiencing new products for free. All kinds of tea were served, and the service was thoughtful. The skin test and facial care were all boastful. I agreed, and the operation finally came to the point, so let me apply for a card. Because I was too poor, I felt guilty for a long time, even on weekends. Later, my friend and I talked about it. My friend got a card in the same place as me because of the same free experience. The amount of the card is basically her salary for more than half a month. This surprised me. In my opinion, friends including us all agree that she is not a spendthrift and even strictly controls her own expenses. Later, the same thing happened to me. The difference is that the second time is through online group buying. Even after paying the money and enjoying other people's services, I still feel that I owe the merchants a card because they enjoy the service at a low price. In the end, I failed to "survive" and chose to apply for a card.

The story of the First World War mentioned by the author in the book shocked the great power of the principle of reciprocity, because the soldiers in the incident saved their lives by reciprocity.

In World War I, there was a German soldier whose task was to arrest the enemy for interrogation. It was a positional war. During the war, all armies had such experts. They often catch enemy soldiers and bring them back for interrogation. In the past, this German master has successfully completed such a task many times. Now he has been sent out again. He crossed the clearing between the front lines and appeared in the trench of the opposing army, which startled a soldier. The soldier was defenseless and still eating, so it was easy to hand over his gun. The frightened prisoner had a piece of bread in his hand, but what he did next was probably the most important attempt in his life: he gave some bread to the German soldiers. The German soldier was moved by this gift. He spared his benefactor, climbed back to the no-man's land empty-handed, and was scolded by his boss.

This reminds me of the Ma Jiajue dormitory murder that shocked the Internet a few years ago. At that time, it was a great storm of public opinion in society. He killed four roommates in a row by extremely cruel means, but spared the last roommate. The only surviving roommate is Ram Raymond. The two men don't play very well at ordinary times, and there is no friendship, but why did Ma Jiajue let him go? LAM Raymond did one thing, that is, when Ma Jiajue was seriously ill, he sent him a meal and took care of him. Therefore, Ma Jiajue, who had been rejected for a long time because of his personality problems, kept the meal firmly in mind, which spared LAM Raymond.

The principle of reciprocity is so powerful that it is far beyond our cognition and imagination. In addition to the great power of this principle, there is another aspect that actually allows this to happen: a person can trigger our sense of debt by giving us some benefits. No matter how strange, annoying and unpopular others are, as long as they give us a little kindness first, we can increase the probability of doing what they ask. In the previous example, we mentioned that because of a little doll, we will not hesitate to expose some of our private information, because the free experience will not hesitate to spend more than half a month's salary to get a card.

Marcel mauss, a French anthropologist, said, "People have an obligation to give gifts, accept gifts and even return gifts." The obligation of repayment constitutes the essence of the principle of reciprocity, and with the obligation of acceptance, we can't choose who we owe, which in turn falls into the hands of the other party.

We can try to refuse, refuse each other's kindness or refuse to return, but this choice is too difficult, because refusing requires us to fight against the forces that are naturally beneficial to mutual benefit in culture.

In addition, the principle of reciprocity has another feature, which is also easy to be used. Although it was established to promote equal communication between partners, it can also be used to achieve completely unequal results. The small favors given by others at the beginning can make the parties feel indebted, but in the end, the rewards are much greater.

A few weeks ago, when I was at work, I accidentally knocked over the water cup and the mask got wet, so I borrowed one from my colleague. Coincidentally, some time after this incident, my colleagues and I overheard a colleague who had lent me a mask as an excuse, so I offered to bring her a mask. She was going to borrow two, but I finally gave her four.

The feeling of debt is very uncomfortable. Most of us will feel that it is very unpleasant to owe others. It weighs heavily on us and asks us to eliminate it as soon as possible. Just like I accidentally learned that my colleagues were making excuses with others, I thought the opportunity had finally come to pay off the debt of gratitude for my previous excuses, and it was four times.

Under the principle of reciprocity, the initial behavior that makes people feel indebted and the return behavior that relieves the sense of indebtedness can be selected by the initial initiator. In this way, those who are determined to use the principle of reciprocity can easily manipulate us and let us complete an unfair deal.

Secondly, there is another way to make others comply with the requirements by using the principle of reciprocity, that is, "refusal-withdrawal", which is also called face-saving method. Suppose we want others to agree to one of our requirements. In order to increase the probability of winning, we can make a bigger request first, and the other party will definitely refuse. After the other party really refuses this request, we will make a slightly smaller request, which is our real goal. If we are really smart, the other party will take our second request as a concession, and may think that he should also give in, so he obeys our second request.

If I want you to lend me 1000 yuan, I can ask you to lend me 2000 yuan first, which can make the previous requirements seem smaller. The advantage of this is that the principle of reciprocity and the principle of contrast are used at the same time. 2,000 yuan first, then 1000 yuan, 1000 yuan will not only be regarded as a concession, but also appear smaller.

Rejection-withdrawal technology not only stimulates people to agree to the request, but also encourages them to practice their promises in person, and even requires them to voluntarily fulfill further requirements. It sounds incredible. In fact, people who use the refusal-retreat strategy will have the illusion that they have successfully influenced others. You will think that because of your influence, I wanted to borrow 2000 yuan, but I only got 1000. Because you have a lot to do recently and are short of money, you can only lend me 1000. You are satisfied with this and will be on time.

To resist the application of reciprocity principle, you and I will face a terrible enemy. By being friendly to us and taking the initiative to make concessions, the requester has recruited a strong ally and will certainly win our obedience. At this time, we should realize that the requester is not our real opponent, he just wants to win our obedience with the help of the principle of reciprocity, and our real opponent is the principle of reciprocity. In order not to be ravaged by it, we must take measures to dissolve its power.

We know that once the principle of reciprocity is activated, it is so powerful that our roots are irresistible. Some people may suggest that we can take the lead in rejecting the initial goodwill or concessions of the requester to avoid the activation of social principles. Sounds good, but it's not easy to practice. The main problem is that when we meet a request for the first time, it is difficult for us to judge whether it is sincere or intentional to use you. If we are always vigilant and meet people who have no intention of making concessions or giving goodwill by using the principle of reciprocity, we will not reap the fruits it brings. It seems that the strategy of total exclusion does not apply.

Then, if we really agree with other people's proposals, we might as well accept them; If this proposal has ulterior motives, then we will ignore it. For example, if someone gives us a favor, we can accept it and realize that we have an obligation to repay him in the future. Reaching such an agreement with others does not mean that this person can use us through the principle of reciprocity. If we realize that the initial goodwill is a trap, organ or trick specially designed to stimulate us to return greater favors, the situation will be different. We no longer have to be influenced by it, nor will we mistake them for favors and do what we should do. After all, the principle of reciprocity only says good for good, not good for bad. Confucius, our great sage, also said, "Sue directly, and repay kindness with kindness." Don't mention it. We will pay back our exploitation naturally.