13-year-old girl yelled at her mother: "Your self-righteous love is suffocating!"

Author |? Sunflower Happy Wings Students

Coordinates | Nanyang, Henan

1

After a long winter vacation, two months after the start of school, the children's summer vacation is ushered in.

During the epidemic, children fell asleep during the online class except eating, drinking, playing games and losing their temper.

When my child was in the first grade, I accompanied her all the way to study, followed her in class and gave her one-on-one counseling. I basically put her English notes in order.

Although she is very disdainful, I know she read this note very carefully.

But this life only lasted for one semester, and I'm exhausted. I stay up late every night and get up early in the morning.

Occasionally, I have to fight with the god beast, and there is high-intensity work. I'm basically at the point of surviving.

When I was out of breath, fortunately, I learned the systematic course of family education in time, and I kept practicing and revising the educational methods with the course.

During the epidemic, although the children's studies have regressed, the family relationship between us has greatly improved.

Less than a week after the start of school, her grades deteriorated in a big way in the mid-term exam.

I know something about her study during the epidemic, so her grades didn't have much impact on me.

After the result came out, she was silent for many days. At an educational moment, I asked her what she thought of the result.

She said, "I didn't study hard. How can I get good grades in the exam?"

It seems that she still knows the extent of her efforts. I changed my old preaching and stopped talking. I just hope she can work hard.

Then, the class teacher asked her to be the representative of Chinese and politics.

I talked to the teacher privately, and the teacher told me that the child's foundation is not bad, but he is a little lazy and unwilling to work hard. In this case, I put a spell on her and forced her to work hard.

Children with tall peacocks are most afraid of being praised. When teachers and parents give her enough trust, give her enough space and don't need to give her any pressure, she will raise the pressure value a lot.

Last semester, I forced myself to study my daughter's homework and wanted to give her meticulous guidance in her homework.

But my excessive care and control made her feel very painful. In the end, we both looked at each other in disgust and broke up.

Once, she said, "Other parents can't help their children with their homework. You can help me with my homework. It is not pride for me, but pressure. "

When she finds out that her mother can't do the problem herself, and she is completely in control of her study, she will doubt her ability and feel anxious, so she wants to constantly challenge my authority.

On one occasion, I refused to admit defeat, and argued directly with my children again and again to prove that I was right.

I just forgot that learning is her stage, and as a companion, my lines and appearance rate are too high.

I should return to the position of group performance and give her the aura of leading role.

2

I changed my strategy this semester.

For her study, I no longer interfere with her, and I don't preach too much in front of her. I completely retreat to the role of "an old mother who can only cook and pick up her children."

Appropriate weakness, let her self-improvement, while reducing her sense of dependence and anxiety.

In the process of chatting with her and reading her composition, I know that this child has her own outlook on life and world, and she also has her own goals. I don't have to worry about the general direction. All I have to do is accept her, accept her learning method and rhythm.

Before, she was very upset, mostly because I didn't accept her: she always said that she didn't do the problem in the right way, didn't think correctly, and didn't arrange her notes carefully.

This semester, no matter what the result is, I choose to believe her.

In the mid-term exam, after falling back to more than 40 in the class, she set herself the goal of being in the top 20 in the class.

At that time, the first voice that popped up in my heart was: How is it possible?

But I know that learning to trust children is the road I must take to grow up. I told her firmly, "Well, mom trusts you. With a goal and a specific action plan, I am sure I can do it. "

When I couldn't help asking her what she was going to do, she got impatient and told me to leave it alone.

Maybe she resented my excessive interference last semester.

In addition, there are some things in her homework that I really can't guide, so she asked me questions that she can't. I'll say more now:

"Neither will I. Go and see for yourself!"

"Your question is too difficult, I really can't!"

It's nice to feel like a shopkeeper of cutting.

When I said I wouldn't, the child was actually very happy. She said, "Mom, there is one thing you can't do at last!" " "

I quickly said, "Yes, mom is not everything!" " "

Sometimes when she does well, I will exaggerate and say, "My God, what is this problem?" ? It's too hard. Have you finished it? Do you know everything? Don't you need to ask me? "

She smiled and said, "I ask you, will you?"

I said obediently, "I won't!" "

Of course, there are some questions that she really can't do, and the whole person is quite manic.

Once in the middle of the night, she couldn't do the problem, and neither could I. She slammed the door like crazy.

I suddenly realized that I can't just be a shopkeeper, but I should also give some guidance and help to my child when she really feels difficult.

It suddenly occurred to me that my child's aunt taught junior high school physics, so I told her my troubles. My aunt is happy to give her a lecture.

Later, whenever I met a problem that I couldn't do, I would send it to her aunt, and the two of them explained it through video chat.

Once, after the explanation, my aunt chatted with me in front of the children and deliberately said loudly: "This sub-topic is difficult, but I feel that Chen Chen has a good grasp and clear thinking. It is absolutely no problem for her to do this part well! You don't have to worry! "

Gao Peacock's children can't criticize face to face, but accept all praise face to face.

She left the room, humming a ditty and listening with great interest.

Her aunt and I smiled at each other.

Because I have nothing to rely on here, and I can't always bother her aunt in the middle of the night, the only thing she can do is to listen carefully in class and master what she has learned.

In addition, she became a class representative, and her strong self-esteem forced her to master what she had learned.

Sometimes children will come back and say to me, "Mom, I am so stressed! Mom, I'm afraid I can't learn well! "

Whenever this time, I will give her a big hug and tell her the efforts and progress of this semester, and my teacher and I will see it.

In a blink of an eye, she made great progress in all subjects, and got 28, especially in Chinese and politics.

Although there is still a certain distance from the 20 children she has set, there is still a certain distance from my colleague's children, but there is still a lot of room for improvement, isn't there?

The child won the biggest progress award and the excellent class representative award. The head teacher held a big award ceremony in the class, and the ceremony was packed! (I like such a caring and intelligent teacher)

On the day of the holiday, the child took the initiative to chat with me.

She concluded that if the top 20 students keep their previous grades or improve their English this semester, they will certainly finish.

It seems that she has begun to analyze her own shortcomings.

She also said, "Mom, if I make progress by five places every semester, can I get a high score (the best high school here) when I graduate from junior high school?"

I said, "As long as you work hard, it doesn't matter if you don't get into high school. No matter where you are, whether you can get into a good school or not, you are my favorite daughter and my father's daughter. We will never give up on you! "

From her eyes, I know that this child who is nourished and accepted by love has set a new breakthrough goal for herself!

In fact, in this process, I also had an unpleasant experience with her.

three

On the morning of the first day after the children's final exam, the teacher sent a text message, suggesting that the students should start the preparatory class from the next day.

I didn't think about it, so I called the child immediately and told her the teacher's suggestion. She was very upset and asked me what to do.

I was busy at that time, so I said casually, of course, I reported it all. In such a word, I hit the hive. She yelled at me and hung up.

I immediately realized that my answer just now was hegemonic paternalism again!

Towards noon, I called her again and asked her what she wanted to eat in a very gentle tone. She was still angry, said she didn't want to eat anything, and then hung up on me.

Just then, the child's father called, and I briefly told him about it.

Dad said that he understood the children very well, and that he should start a new round of study before the holiday, just as we agreed to work overtime on the holiday. We must be in a bad mood.

He asked me to give it to him so that I wouldn't see the children at noon. I might as well have a cervical massage.

I'm a little sorry to hear my father say this. Why not choose a suitable way to communicate with children? Must it be so direct, in a way that children can't accept?

After work in the afternoon, I went to grandpa's house to pick up the children. After she got on the bus, she still kept a straight face and didn't speak. I had nothing to say and asked her what she wanted to eat. I invited her.

She just said she had no appetite. I mentioned the cram school carefully. Didn't we all know each other before? So mom signed you up directly.

The child flew into a rage directly: "Who met you?" When did you ask my opinion? "

I still have to explain: "mom is sad to see you so angry. I think your rest time is a little short." But all the students in the preparatory class signed up. If we don't go, it will be more difficult to keep up with the lessons after school. I can't help you much in your studies, so I can only use the help of remedial classes ... "

She directly said, "Don't play emotional cards with me, isn't it your call?" Do you care about my mood? You tell me the time and place, and I will go to class on time! Don't tell me so much! "

I was stung by her words in an instant, and tears welled up in my eyes.

I feel a deep sense of frustration, and instantly feel that what I have learned is so pale and powerless at this moment.

I felt her anger and my injustice. I don't understand why the mother-daughter relationship, which used to look good, has such a conflict because of such a trivial matter.

After returning home, she rushed into her room and closed the door. I took Bauer back to my bedroom, lying in bed and not wanting to move. A strong sense of powerlessness makes me feel that I have no love.

After a while, I heard her banging on something in the living room, which was a strong vent.

I don't know if I should ask her out.

Just then, dad came back and they talked for a long time in the living room. She always loses her temper, and then she hears the door close.

At half past nine in the evening, she called me on her father's cell phone. At this time, she has returned to normal tone. She said, "Mom, I've made up my mind. I'm going to the preparatory class. Please tell me the time and address, and I will attend on time. Also, what do you want to eat? I'll take it back for you! "

I know the storm is over, but it's not the result of my handling. I am still depressed to reply that I don't want to eat anything.

The children will still bring back what I like to eat.

When I talked to my child about it the next day, I first expressed my apologies and told her that I thought we had reached an understanding, so I didn't discuss it with her again.

The child said, "Mom, it's a good thing that you signed up for my class. I found all our classmates in class. If I don't go to class, I don't think I can keep up with their speed next semester! " "

I asked her, "Where did your anger come from?"

She said she made her own decision!

After this incident, I thought a lot. Many times we think it is for the sake of children, but we ignore the self-esteem and thoughts of children as an independent person.

Although her resistance made me feel bad for a day, she is also defining her own boundaries in her own way, at least I won't offend easily next time.

Although we are mother and daughter, we are both individuals with independent boundaries. Only by respecting each other can we move forward with vigor.

four

What excites me even more is that after this conflict, I took this opportunity to involve my father in the education and growth of my children.

Dad's intervention made up for a large part of my educational defects, and through his analysis and persuasion, my anxiety was greatly alleviated.

Unexpectedly, my father, who once made the whole family unhappy when he came home, has now become the bond between my daughter and me, and the connection between our husband and wife has deepened.

When dad joined the children's education, he got many surprises: Bauer was more and more dependent on him, and the boss was willing to call him on his own initiative!

When he came home last year, as soon as he knocked at the door, little Bauer would sit on the ground and cry and wouldn't let his father in.

Whether the boss comes back or not, I never ask him for help. I think he has a bad temper, but it is easy to make things worse. With these prejudices, I am also indifferent to him.

He is also very upset because he can't find a sense of existence at home!

This year, I gave my husband more opportunities to participate, such as taking Bauer to the playground and taking the children to catch fish by the river. He easily captured the hearts of the children.

Bauer often offered to video with his father and said, "I miss you, come back!" " "When you come back, you also want to hug and kiss your father.

When the boss and I have problems, they will also call my father to tell their troubles.

I often cry and tell him that I don't know what to do, and I really want his help.

Once, my boss and I had an argument in the middle of the night. He drove back at midnight to stop the fight. When we make up, he will proudly say, "Look, can we do without me?"

In this process, the father acted as a lubricant for the family. In the process of participation, he also realized that it is not easy for me to take care of my children, and the happiness that children bring him, as well as the sense of happiness and accomplishment that three little women rely on.

I sometimes fart a bunch of rainbows. I asked, "Brother Xiang, where did you learn all this?"

He said, "Is it necessary to learn? Think about it and you will know how to deal with it! "

I said, "You are still awesome! I learned all your methods at home! I thought you were studying secretly, too! I studied hard, but you were born with it! You are simply amazing! Thanks to you! "

He said: "then study hard, don't always be against the children, we should be parents!" " "

He also learned to praise me and acknowledge my efforts. He even massaged me for half an hour when I had my first backache two days ago.

This is the treatment I have never had since I got married for more than ten years!

Thanks to my dear daughter, with seemingly fierce words of resistance, I have to feel, think and change.

Thank you, dear husband, for your timely support when I met a hurdle that I couldn't get through, so that I could stop and start again.

Thanks to my dear self, in the face of the challenge from my children, I didn't insist on using force (no way), but asked myself to learn and change from myself.

Looking back along the way, when I gradually learned to trust, respect and let go, my daughter became more and more active and my husband became more and more intimate and reliable.

Many times, we don't have enough inner security, so we try to gain a sense of security by controlling our children or partners, but the price is huge.

Some people say that there is no one outside except yourself. When you change yourself, the world will be different. Now, I am deeply touched by this sentence.

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