Reconciliation with parents is actually reconciliation with your past.

Reconciliation with parents is actually reconciliation with your past.

People can't grow up without their families, so there is still no way to forget their relationship with their parents when they grow up. The reconciliation with my parents below is actually a reconciliation with my past, and I want to share it with you. Welcome to browse.

In my consulting case, too many visitors are obsessed with their past relationship with their parents.

Some hate their parents for not taking good care of themselves; Or too spoiled; Or is it harsh enough to let it die? Either way, they will hate their parents when they grow up.

Some of them run far away, thinking that geographical isolation has caused emotional barriers and will make them say goodbye to their parents completely. Don't you know that the less you watch, the more resentment you have; The longer you wait, the more anger will accumulate and spread to all aspects of your life. For example, interpersonal retreat in daily life, or deep hostility to superiors.

Others are always a child in front of their parents, always feeling that others don't love them enough. Caring for parents, hating parents and despising brothers and sisters.

Excessive entanglement is a kind of narcissism.

In fact, hate is also an excessive entanglement with parents.

People who are too obsessed with their parents are narcissistic. The difference between narcissism and self-love is that the narcissist has no one else in his heart, but the one who loves himself has the world in his heart.

Those who have not come out of childhood narcissism are actually stuck in the feeling of relationship with their parents at some point in their childhood. Their parents used to make them feel unloved and insecure for various practical and emotional reasons; They deeply remember this feeling, and then revisit it from time to time, confirming and strengthening this feeling with some details in real life; Constant aftertaste makes them ignore the changes of the world and their parents, give up the power of growth, and completely give up their growing role and power in the family.

In their mouth, they will always be the child who was beaten by anger, and their parents have always been Hercules with infinite power. They have no idea that they have become adults who should shoulder the heavy responsibility of the family, and their parents are already old, which in turn needs their care.

Take responsibility for yourself.

I remember reading such a story: a lady listened to her parents' opinions since she was a child, gave up her lover, married someone her parents liked, and finally divorced. After being alone, she asked her mother why she didn't agree with her previous relationship. Her mother looked at her with a puzzled face and said, is that right? If you insist a little more, we will agree. ? Hearing this, she burst into tears. It turned out that her parents' opposition was so weak, and losing happiness was just that she didn't stick to her inner arrangement.

I once said to a visitor with persistent mood disorder who has been addicted to being angry with his parents for many years: for so many years, you have no reality at all and no future at all. You locked yourself in your old self-feeling. It's not that others have caused you problems, it's that you have a heart lock. ? Narcissism is sometimes a heart lock, which locks up your pain and blocks your future.

The key to unlocking this heart lock is to let go of the entanglement with parents and let yourself be yourself.

Let go of the entanglement with parents

So, how to let go of the entanglement with parents?

Learn to explain life without hatred. Love is freer than hate, and it will make your life easier. Especially loving your parents will make you gain more. Let go of hatred, and you can hear different voices between your loved ones.

If so, you will find that there are too many gaps in your world, and you need to fill them with other things. You will have more interaction with others, you can learn to love, and you can also teach people around you to love.

Take responsibility for your life. Past hatred may be the reason why you don't fulfill your responsibilities in life. Sometimes excuses are a burden. Letting go of the burden will make you face the future easily.

Learn to be kind to others. Hate is certainly not the source of goodness, and being kind to others is not a requirement, but a realm. If you achieve it, your mind will be open; Not for others, but for yourself.

Sometimes, when we reconcile with our parents, we actually reconcile with our past.

Letting go of the entanglement with your parents is actually not for your parents, but for letting you go your own way.

Never in the world? Perfect? parents

Almost everyone can list people who have been hurt by their parents. Such as prejudice, neglect, excessive criticism, unrealistic expectations, or a slap in the face in front of our good friends. When I was a child, it was common for my parents to hit me in the eyes in public, but it deeply hurt our young hearts. My parents always want us to do things their way. For example, my father told me to study hard and concentrate on one thing. Whenever I have time to draw or write calligraphy, I will be scolded by him. Although I know he wants me to read more books, he ignores my inner needs. His reprimand not only didn't make me do it his way, but made me disgusted and obsessed with my own interests. In this way, the struggle between father and son can be imagined. Fight? . In fact, there are too many parents like my father in real life.

That's it. We can complain about our parents. Many problems in our life today are probably caused by parents' unscientific upbringing. However, why can we easily forgive other classmates, colleagues, friends and even strangers who have hurt us, but only refuse to forgive our parents? Maybe it's just because we haven't got rid of it? Parents should take good care of us? This idea.

We often forget that parents are defective parents. They are just an ordinary person with all kinds of defects and deficiencies. They also experienced pain and complaints when they were children, and they did their best after becoming parents. In fact, they have done their best. Parents will inevitably make mistakes in front of their children, even serious ones. You know, even a proposal? Childhood experiences affect life? Freud himself was a father who was criticized by his own children.

Parents should be forgiven like ourselves.

Many people have had similar experiences. When my mother confiscated her cartoons, or my father forced me to copy 100 times the wrong new words I made in the exam, I made up my mind? In the future, when I become a father (mother), I will be nothing. I must be a parent who makes children happy.

When one day we become parents of a small life, we will understand that the growth of every child is due to the care and concern of parents. In this process, no matter how much we cherish the beauty, we will still make mistakes, be tired, be confused, be at a loss, even lose our temper, make a hullabaloo about, and lose our self-control ability for a while.

At this moment, it is easy for us to forgive ourselves, because we all know that we are not superman, and we all have unbearable moments. For parents, we often forget this. In the eyes of children, the whole world seems to be composed of parents and themselves, and nothing exists except the single-line relationship between parents and themselves.

In fact, if we can jump out of the relationship with our parents, stand outside this relationship and look at our parents as a complete person from head to toe 360 degrees, we will find that they should be forgiven just like us.

Forgiving parents is the only way to be mature and independent.

One thing that needs special explanation is that forgiving parents is not what parents need us to do, but what we need ourselves. If an adult always complains about his parents' original problems, it shows that he is not mature enough to be responsible for his present and future. Indeed, blaming our parents can make us feel more comfortable, because these blame and complaints can rationalize our problems and easily put the blame on our parents.

Some people insist on not forgiving their parents just to continue to play the role of victims. In their view, their misfortunes are the responsibility of their parents. It is because you did or didn't do well that I have a good job, a good family and a good life today. What's the difference between this mode of thinking and an underage child? The only child will pin everything on his parents. In fact, these people's psychology is still tied up with their dependence on their parents when they were young, and they insist on maintaining this relationship in an unforgivable way.

Once we understand that forgiving our parents is the only way for us to be mature and psychologically independent, which is the first step to accept our parents. Of course, you don't need to go to your parents to shout? I forgive you? On the contrary, you don't even have to mention it. You just gave up trying to change the past, gave up? I should have a perfect parent? Hypothesis, so as to look at parents and themselves with new eyes.

Yukio: Learn to reconcile with family of origin.

A girl was very sad and sent me a letter with the theme? How to get along with a strong mother? . After her father died, she lived with her mother. Mother always points out that she is not doing well here and there. Not only for her but also for her husband. This made her very sad. Later, my mother became ill and still had a bad temper. She felt that as a victim, she couldn't hold back any longer and was about to collapse.

We can understand her mother's pain. After losing her lover, she? Quarrel? The object is missing. She needs to vent her loneliness by quarreling, and she needs to show her personal value with the power of loud voice. She needs it? Take the initiative to do things for children or even live for children? Realize personal value. As a daughter, she should not only learn to be a mediator in the relationship between mother and husband, but also, more importantly, become? Mom's close-fitting cotton-padded jacket? Instead of constantly refuting her and resisting her because of pain. If so, the intimate relationship between the two people will be more alienated and she will be more painful.

In a family, I will find that some daughters can't understand their mothers. A girl, after graduating from a good university, also found a promising husband. They have their own careers and families. At this time, her mother has to work in a restaurant near her daughter's home, and she is too tired to come back with backache. My daughter said that if I gave her money, she wouldn't spend it or wear new clothes, otherwise she wouldn't complain. She came back from work screaming tired and didn't notice it herself. In fact, the mother found a sense of sureness through her work. She can proudly tell the workers in other restaurants that my home is nearby! She is very tired, but she hopes that her daughter can understand and agree with her sense of existence and value in this strange Beijing, this high-end residential area, and her once poor friendless mother. Although, this mother can't describe this emotion with her.

I told them that I hoped they had left their old way of life and learned to make peace with family of origin.

Defen: trace back to the source and respect your own source.

There are indeed many incompetent parents in the world, so we are undoubtedly victims. But it's no use complaining. If you want to be happy, you must change yourself and give up the idea that you are a victim. This is the only way. You should be responsible for your inner peace and joy. You can still interact with your parents with inner peace and understanding. The more you can get along with your source, the more you can love them and the smoother your life will be.

You are not the child who has to grow up under the care of your parents, but a mature adult, but there is still a child who lacks love in your heart and is very dissatisfied and unhappy in your heart. Would you please comfort him every time you notice him? You can be the kind of parent you want, caring, accepting and accommodating your inner child.

When facing your parents, you should know that how they treat you is their business, and how you treat them depends on you. It is natural to be filial to your parents, because they brought you into this world. For this, you should be grateful to them. Tracing back to the source and respecting your own source will bring unexpected richness to your life.

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