Humor, humor, funny jokes, talking about mood

1, teacher, you are the devil in my heart. The closer I am to you, the farther I am from Buddha. ...

2, love, just say it out loud, because you never know, tomorrow or accident, which comes first!

If I win10 million, I will buy 30 houses and rent them to others, and collect the rent once a day. Wow, Kaka ~ ~ It's full!

I didn't leave my grandfather here, but I have my own place. I won't leave you anywhere and go home to do housework.

I admire myself so much that sometimes I kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!

6. Why do I always feel unhappy? Is it because I wasn't at home when I was chasing Happyness?

7. I never hold grudges. Generally, if I have grievances, I will report them on the spot.

8. I am not RMB. How can I make everyone like me?

9. Holding the child's hand, I realized that the child was ugly and burst into tears, and the child never left me.

10, cherish life-if God keeps you alive, he must have his plans.

1 1, Lei Feng did a good thing without leaving a name, but everything was recorded in his diary.

12, the physical education teacher in junior high school said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt to my class again will be punished for handstand.

13, if you choose to look up at others at 45, don't blame others for looking down at you at 135.

14, if you see a shadow in front, don't be afraid, it's because there is sunshine behind!

15, I allow you to walk into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

16, people never know who inadvertently said goodbye to you and then really disappeared.

17 How long is a minute? It depends on whether you are squatting in the toilet or waiting outside. ...

18, the most attractive person is "Master Kong", and thousands of people are hitting on him every day.

19, I miss you so much that I can't eat. That's disgusting!

20. Actually, I used to be quite tall, but later I often took a shower and shrunk.

2 1, Chopin of Niu B, can't play Lao Tzu's sadness!

Be happy when you are alive, because we will die for a long time.

23. Please don't speak English in front of me in the future, ok?

24. Don't come to me for nothing and don't come to me for everything!

25. I like you so much that you will die.

26. A man's words are like an old lady's teeth. How much is true? !

27. You will never see my loneliest time, because when I can't see you, it is my loneliest time!

28. I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I actually streaked in too many chefs for more than 20 years!

I am in a bad mood today. I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the first two. I've had enough.

The real meaning of the iron rice bowl is not to eat in one place for a lifetime, but to eat in every place for a lifetime.

3 1, even if it is a piece of shit, I will meet dung beetles one day. So you don't have to worry too much about yourself today.

32. Love is a very strong word. The upper part of it is taken from Metamorphosis, and the lower part is taken from Metamorphosis.

33. After several decades, we will meet again and send them to the crematorium. They will all be burned to ashes, one for you and one for me. No one knows anyone, and they have to be sent to the countryside to make fertilizer.

34. What touched my dad the most: "Study hard, son. Dad used to play mahjong 10 yuan, and now he plays mahjong 10 yuan to learn from you. "

35. Comrades: Don't speculate in stocks. It's too risky Tofu is the safest! Tofu is dry and hard, tofu brain is thin, tofu skin is thin, soybean milk is useless, and stinky tofu stinks! Don't lose!

36.girls! Where are so many white horses? Find a donkey to make do, don't wait until one day all the donkeys are taken away, leaving a pile of mules.

37, the so-called beauty, three points of appearance and seven points of dressing up the so-called temperament, three points of talent and seven points of pretending to be so-called gentleness, three points of tolerance and seven points of depression.

38. If you want to make chopsticks, you won't be lonely!

I don't even believe in punctuation.

40, the iron cock will leave some rust, you are simply a stainless steel cock!

4 1. Count the stars with me. If your IQ is low, count the moon!

42. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

43. Zhuge Liang never took a single soldier before he came out of the mountain! Why do I need work experience?

30 Classic Funny Quotations _ Too Funny

1. A seriously ill patient went to see a famous doctor. The nurse said to him, the doctor's schedule is full, and it will take at least three weeks for your turn. What? It takes three weeks? The patient cried, maybe I won't live to that time! Oh, that's all right, said the nurse. At that time, you can ask your family to cancel the appointment for you.

My son is in a big class, and I have an appointment with him to come to my house at the weekend. My wife got up early in the morning, cleaned the room and cooked some delicious food. I don't know. A group of children are here. You are so promising. The wife said, you don't understand, maybe these people have your future daughter-in-law! God, it's really early!

Xiao Liang is very naughty. He ran to the neighbor's orchard to steal strawberries, and was found out. Aunt neighbor asked: What's your name? I want to tell your parents! Xiao Liang calmly said, No, my parents know my name.

Teacher: Our school will switch to English teaching from next semester. Some classmate: Wow! We won't understand. Teacher: Don't worry about not understanding. Learning a language means listening more. Listen to me speak English every day, and you will understand after a long time. Student B: But I listen to the dog barking at home every day, and I don't know what it is saying.

One day in class, a student deserted, and the teacher saw it and wanted to make things difficult for the student. Teacher: What shape do you think the earth is? Student: It's round. Not satisfied, the teacher asked: Why is the earth square? Student: I listen to you, teacher! It's your call! What you said is right.

6. The female colleague is pregnant for seven months. I don't know why she can't eat meat or even scrambled eggs. When I went to the hospital for reexamination, I was reminded by the doctor to eat more meat, otherwise it would be very troublesome for the child to be born with malnutrition in the future. Then the doctor paused for a few seconds and asked her softly, Is it because my mother-in-law doesn't like you very much? . . My best friend said truthfully: no, I just can't eat meat. It makes me sick. . The doctor listened blankly for a while, and then said to her, You are not pregnant with that Tang Sanzang, are you?

Xiaoming has always been proud that his father is a great engineer. One day, he met Xiaohua and chatted with Xiaohua. Xiaoming said to Xiaohua, Do you know the Himalayas? Xiaohua said: I know. Xiaoming said: My father built it. Ha ha. Xiaohua was speechless at that time. He thought for a moment and said, Do you know the Dead Sea? Killed by my father.

8. My roommate has a sister of 12 years old, who is very hot in summer and always sweats. When she was sweating profusely, she went out to catch the chicken, because when she caught the chicken, it would flap its wings wildly. Her sister said it was windy and cool.

9. The school organized a spring outing. The teacher said: This spring outing should be a group activity. We can't be together like last time. I'm embarrassed to talk about you. This time, at least ten people should act together! On the day of the spring outing, everyone performed well. Suddenly, I saw Zhang San clutching his stomach and shouting, who is going to the toilet? We organized nine people! !

10, my cousin's daughter is a graduate student working in Shanghai, and she is still single on 3 1 this year. The matchmaker in her hometown introduced her to a young man, saying that he was handsome and engaged in music. Then my cousin asked for leave to come back for a blind date. She is an old bachelor, playing suona for weddings and funerals in the country, and her face is blue with anger.

1 1. Yesterday afternoon, my daughter-in-law and I went shopping. She suddenly asked me: Who is your ex-girlfriend or me? Just thinking about it, suddenly a buddy behind him decisively replied: Hello! We turned back in horror and turned out to be a strange buddy. He was probably scared by our expressions and said in a trembling voice, hello, how to get to Bayi Road?

12, the doctor comforted the patient and said, please believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. You need fresh air. I suggest you walk more and walk more. What do you do? Postman, doctor. The patient replied.

13, when the exam was mobilized, the math teacher drank some wine and said on the podium: Teaching is a grand secret love. You try your best to love a group of people, but in the end you only touch yourself. It is true that students abuse me thousands of times. I treat students like first love. I used to be afraid that I would not do well in the exam alone, but now I am afraid that a group of people will not do well in the exam. If you never leave, I will live and die together. If you give up on yourself, there is nothing I can do. Suddenly the whole class applauded, teacher. You just fell in love!

14, female man, had dinner together the other day. She was unhappy and asked her why. She said, I think I should find a boyfriend. Me: Come on, big sister, haven't you always claimed to be single? She said: I had a fight with some hooligans last week and my mobile phone broke. Me: So you don't have to do it yourself to find a boyfriend, so you won't break your cell phone? She glared: I mean, if I have a boyfriend, he can help me with my bag and I can let go of those hooligans!

15. After the teacher handed out the test paper to the students, he asked the parents to sign it. Student Meng Xiao asked: Teacher, do you want mom and dad to sign, or do you want grandparents to sign? The teacher said: whoever keeps his word in your family will sign it. After listening, Meng Xiao muttered: So, I can only sign.

16, Patient: I have been forgetful recently, and I forgot what I just said as soon as I turned my head! Doctor: How long have you been like this? Patient: How long has what been?

17, a buddy accosted a beautiful woman on the road: Sister Mei, you are so beautiful. What do you do? The beauty said: I am a service person. The buddy said happily, Oh, how I want to be your customer! Where do you work? The beauty said that I patched up the body in the crematorium. When will you come?

18, a man teased a child: Are you your father or am I your father? The child said: You are your father! The man hurriedly said, wrong! Think about it. The child thought for a long time and asked doubtfully, am I your father?

19, in a mental hospital, there are two mental disorders, A said to B; I recently wrote a book. Have you read it? Yes, it's well written, but there are too many names in the book for me to remember. Just then, the dean came in and said, what are you two doing with my phone book?

20. Jack's screams came from the bedroom. Mom ran in and saw her 2-year-old sister pulling his hair. Mother gently pulled away her little daughter's hand and comforted little Jack: She was too young to know it would hurt you. No sooner had the mother walked out of the bedroom than there came the screams of her little daughter. What happened? Mom turned and rushed in to ask. Now she knows. Jack replied.

2 1, a girl just gave birth to a baby, and a group of girlfriends visited her when she was pregnant. One of the girlfriends leaned in and said, Wow, you really look like your husband! Another girlfriend said: Yes, very similar, especially when breastfeeding, the eyes are super similar! Suddenly everyone was silent.

22. One day, as soon as Xiao Fang came home from work, her son Xiao Qiang ran over and said proudly, Mom, I learned to bargain! Xiao Fang was puzzled and asked, What do you do? Xiao Qiang said: I took some waste products to the recycling station and sold them. The uncle who collected the waste said six dollars, and I said it was too expensive, so he bought me four dollars.

23. The subway to work in the morning was so crowded that all the bread I bought was squashed. What is this? I used to be much more serious than you. Why? What happened to your bread? This is not bread. I want to fart, but I just burp!

24. Mom: Poor girl! She lost her father and best friend, the dog. Betty, would you like to help her give her your dog? Betty: Oh! Mom, why don't we give dad to her?

25. On Sunday, my brother-in-law took his nephew who just went to elementary school to visit the ape cave in Zhoukoudian. He thought it was time to give his son a basic history education, so he pointed to the model of the ape-man and asked, Do you know who your ancestors were? The nephew looked at him in surprise and replied, My grandfather? !

26. The conductor made up the ticket. The conductor asked: where can I make up the ticket? Zhengzhou! Do you have any kids？ There is one. How old is it? Four and a half years old. Is he over1.2m tall? I don't think so. Where is it? Come and see if it's over. Huh? My child is in his hometown! In the old ... hometown? The conductor froze for a few seconds, feeling that this girl naturally wanted to stay!

27. A ten-page paper should be handed in for the college composition class to discuss the meaning of life. I try my best to finish my homework. The professor not only rated it as a masterpiece, but also encouraged me to make a living by writing. The next year, my boyfriend also took this course, and he also had to hand in a paper assignment with the same topic and the same length. He asked me for help, and I gave him my old work for reference, but he handed it in word for word. When I got the paper back, I saw the professor write a sentence on it: How is your girlfriend recently?

28. In chemistry class, the teacher told the students: When it thunders, the oxygen in the air will combine to form gaseous ozone, which has an unpleasant smell. A classmate who believes in Jesus suddenly realized, saying, no wonder people say that thunder is God's fart, but it turns out to be true!

29. The matchmaker said to the girl: That young man is really nice, strong, likes outdoor life and camping, and has chest hair. The girl said to the matchmaker, can he walk upright?

30. Once I quarreled with my deskmate, both of them were very unhappy. When I opened it, it turned out to be a message from my deskmate. I was very moved to reply to his message. As a result, 2B immediately raised his hand and said, Teacher, he plays with his mobile phone in class.

Quotations from 35 classic funny sentences are super funny.

1, I fell in love with you at first sight, and I was awake at the second sight.

I am a civilized person, and all the swearing words have been disinfected with saliva.

In the afternoon, I asked for a Buddha's bead. The young monk told me that the abbot had gone to purchase goods.

4. The first guy who knows that milk can be drunk, what did you do to the cow?

5. As long as you are thin, everything is omnipotent. If you are fat, nothing is useful.

6. The man is strong-willed and the woman is confused.

7. Life is like a pressure cooker. I know myself well when I'm under too much pressure.

8. Time and marriage will make a man mature, but time is slow and marriage is quick to fry.

9. The so-called perfect marriage is that the man is finished and the woman is beautiful.

10 Some people, when making masks, look much better than real people.

1 1. The most valuable thing for a person is to know how much he weighs. Why don't you try to stand on the big scale? That weight doesn't move at all.

12, I swear I'll chop my hands when I surf the Internet again. I found out that I am Guanyin with a thousand hands.

13, whoever delays me for a while, I will make him regret it for the rest of his life.

14, Wen Hui! Wenhui! Listen! I'm peeing.

15, the farthest distance in the world is from Monday to Friday.

16, you said ice is sleeping water, I only remember that fart is a breath of shit. ...

17, the head with shell is also combed by lightning.

18. Life is like poop, and we are intoxicated with it like dung beetles.

19, you stubbornly turned a Audrey Hepburn into a princesa.

20. The Smurfs sang to Avatar, "When I grow up, I will be you".

2 1, if I die, my first sentence is: finally I don't have to be afraid of ghosts.

22. I drown my sorrows in wine, but this damn pain taught me to swim.

23. If my life were a movie, you would be a pop-up advertisement.

24. The success of a person's life depends on the memorial service.

25. Pretending to be forced is only an instant, and shamelessness is eternal.

26. My three idols when I was a child: Lei Feng, Zhang Haidi and Zhang Ga. Short for "Lady Gaga".

27, others laugh at me for being too slutty, and I laugh at others for not being open.

28. Women at the 18th National Congress are becoming more and more casual.

29. When some people die, it's nothing to do with me. Some people, I can't let go of them.

30. I want to buy things when I am angry. When I buy things, I have to spend money. When I spend money, my money becomes less. I get angry when I have little money.

3 1, people are not cheap, I am not cheap, and people are cheaper than me.

32. Raise your head 45 degrees just to stop your nose, and lower your head 45 degrees just to wipe your nose so that others can't see it.

33. I saw a penny by the roadside. I was just about to bend down and pick it up. It turned out to be phlegm. Damn it! ... who threw up so round?

34. If I can forgive your vulgarity, can you forgive my hypocrisy?

35. The so-called difference in values is: given a candle, some people will feel that they are missing a cake, while others will feel that they are missing a whip.

Friends circle is very humorous. It's so funny to say.

1, I want to call you when I am drunk and tell you that I love you.

2. Suddenly I remembered a domineering sentence: "Do you love me?" Stand up and let me love.

At present, I am wasting my time, I am wasting my time, I am blurring the present, and I am afraid of the future.

4. Softness is a disease, not fatal.

5. A rogue who only plays rogue on his wife is a good rogue.

6. It's interesting to be alive. To live is to die.

7. I remember the most embarrassing thing when I was a child, that is, kissing my parents while watching TV.

8. Spending money is the pain of happiness. Living in every corner of life, it hurts to pay utilities, buy daily necessities, and send text messages; Making money is a painful pleasure, rolling back and forth in my blood. I have a headache when I work overtime, and my body hurts when I am busy with business. If only I could get a raise!

9, make money sporadic light rain, spend money goose feather heavy snow. Eyes full of beautiful things, pockets empty. Bite your teeth, stamp your feet, cover your wallet and run. I wish my friends a smooth career, rolling financial resources, endless money and hand cramps.

10, because cow dung can make flowers more colorful! So flowers have been inserted in cow dung!

1 1. If you realize that you are not so important to others, you will be much happier.

12, I want to be fat into a sea and drown all the dead skinny people who show off.

13, I am who I am, with my own romance and determination!

14 Please don't harass, I am harassing others.

15, there is a silence called domineering, an introversion called personality, a simple call deep, and a disdain for self.

16, when you have time to learn Feng Shui, you can occupy a good tomb after your death, which can make up for the regret that you couldn't afford a good house before your death.

17, life is like this, he is teasing you, but you take it seriously.

18, my boyfriend went to seduce my best friend. He said, I actually want to make you jealous. It's ridiculous and ignorant. My best friend went to flirt with my boyfriend, and she said, I actually want to help you feel it. Do you think I'm stupid, hehe ...

19, one day, a beautiful woman on the road asked me for directions. I swear I've never seen a beautiful girl … I don't know if I'm nervous or carried away by excitement, so I told her my home address.

20. How should people live this life? Don't be too cold in winter, too hot in summer, don't pretend to be poor if you have money, and don't show off if you don't have money. It's better to smile than to frown. Friends often remember, happy life!