joke book

Once upon a time, Americans went sightseeing in Russia. One day, I saw two Russian workers on my way to Russia. One is to dig a hole by the roadside with a shovel, and dig a hole every three meters. Another worker immediately backfilled the hole just dug by the previous worker, and so on. ....

Out of curiosity, the American asked the first Russian worker, "Why did the guy behind you fill in the hole as soon as you dug it?" ? 』

Russian workers replied: "We are greening the road. I dig a hole, the second person plants trees, and the third person fills the soil. But the second man didn't come today. 』

2. School Booking Office: Tickets are particularly tight now. If the train ticket you want is gone, will you obey the adjustment?

Me: Obey.

After getting the ticket the next day, I was very angry: I booked a ticket to Shandong, why did I get a ticket to Shanxi! ! !

School booking office: Didn't you say that you obey the adjustment?

X, an employee of the personnel department of an enterprise, was recently transferred to the public relations department downstairs. On this day, his friend called the original department: "Is X there?"

X's colleague replied, "He is no longer in the personnel."

Friend: "Ah? When did he ... "

Colleague: "Last week." Friend: "I don't know anything about it ... and I didn't give him a ride ..."

Colleague: "Never mind, just go down and find him?"

Friend: Ah, you are really joking. ...

Colleague: I'm not kidding. When he left, he said that if anyone missed him, he was always welcome to visit below.

Friend: ... this is inconvenient ...

Colleague: Well, it's really inconvenient during the day. I'll ask him to come to you at night! !

4. Get up in the morning and see a Netease comment.

First floor: Everybody calm down. Come and listen to the fifth floor.

Second floor: I think the fifth floor is very reasonable.

The third layer: the fifth layer speaks the voice of the people.

Fourth floor: The fifth floor is really nice!

Fifth floor: upstairs are idiots! !

The dormitory is on the 6th floor. I climbed up and found that I didn't have my key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt for it. Then I climbed up to open the door, went down to return the key, climbed up again and found the door closed. A classmate next door passed by and asked, "You see your door is open, I'll close it for you." …

6. Anonymous quarreled with her husband and felt very uncomfortable. While my husband was asleep, I squatted on his head and farted to let him smell Japanese. I didn't expect that I pulled too hard and shit on his face. (Very funny, but also disgusting)

Once the bell rings, everyone must go home. When going down the stairs, a boy stepped on his right foot with his left foot and fell into a big font in the middle of the road ... He thought at that time: No, it's too embarrassing, you have to pretend to be dizzy.

As a result, the students next to him saw the boy motionless, quickly helped him up and slapped him in the past. ...

8. A gentleman went to Man Bar and rented A Jin Tianyi. When he saw the second page, he burst into tears. I don't know which day he drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote-this is the murderer. ...

9. A man ventured alone in the forest and suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. So he shouted to the sky, "I'm dead, God help me!" " "

I saw a voice falling from the sky at the first light: "Not necessarily, you can pick up a big stone on the ground and kill the leader." So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground and threw it at the chief, just killing him. All the people stayed for a while, then glared at each other. At this moment, another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead."

10, two children are talking:

A said: Our whole family likes animals very much. My mother likes cats, my brother likes dogs and my sister likes rabbits.

B said: What about your father?

A said: I like foxes.

1 1. A customer walks to the front desk.

Customer: "Give me a small bowl."

Me: "Huh?"

I didn't know it was a sundae until the customer pointed to the menu.

Me: "sundaes? What flavor do you want? "

Customer: "Apple's."

Me: "Ah? Sorry, I have never sold apples. "

Customer: "What's that green one?"

Me: "Oh, that's aloe."

Customer: "Aloe? Isn't that a flower! Can you eat? "

Me: "Yes!"

Customer: "Forget it, I never eat blindly." I want coffee. "

Me: (at a loss) "Sorry, I have never sold coffee."

Customer: "What's the dark black one?"

Me: "That's chocolate."

Customer: "forget it, chocolate is too sweet." I want the red one. " It's strawberries. "

Me: (super happy, I can guess right once. ) "Yes, how many do you want?"

Customer: "one, but I don't eat sesame seeds." Please help me pick out all the strawberry seeds. "

Me:! @~#$%^**~! @#$%^*

12、

Examiner; What is the retail price of windows 7 Professional Edition in Chinese mainland?

Me: 5 yuan.

Examiner: Get out, next.

The word "give up" has never appeared in my dictionary.

I kept throwing and throwing,

Finally got an interview with Google.

However, when I went to google for an interview, I answered a question and was kicked out. ...

Examiner: Where did you get the news of Google interview?

Me: Baidu

Examiner: Get out, next.

I am depressed, but I still have to support myself first.

Drag a friend to McDonald's to find a job. .

But the other person is very abnormal, let me sing McDonald's songs.

At this time, my brother smiled. I have known McDonald's songs since I was a child.

So I opened my mouth and came: with KFC, life will be fine!

Examiner: Go out ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

McDonald's failed in the interview.

My mother dragged someone to find a job in mobile customer service.

Mom says you don't need technology. You try it first. I agreed without thinking.

The interview went well and the other party appreciated me. Finally, the examiner said to me:

You are very kind. Please leave your phone number so that we can inform you to go to work.

Me: "132 ..."

Examiner: Get out. . . .

My heart is broken. . . Being unemployed for so long, eating and drinking at home.

My family looked at me helplessly.

I walked to a shopping mall and saw Artie looking for a clerk. I think I should try.

Examiner: Please tell us our slogan.

Me: Just do it.

Examiner: Get out, next.

Repeated failures have not dampened my confidence.

So I settled down to study hard, and finally I was admitted to our local civil servants with excellent results.

Still, there is a fucking interview.

During the interview, I answered questions and saw the examiner's face. I think there is no problem with this job.

When I am happy.

The examiner asked me, young man, which historical figure do you like best?

I answered without thinking: Little Shenyang!

Examiner: Get out.

This failure, I have a very important consideration for life, looking back,

I finally found out that the most important thing is that I have some wrong answers.

However, I have made the best preparation for this interview.

Nokia's product department informed me that it took me a week to finish all the work.

Even the slogan is not wrong: science and technology are people-oriented.

The examiner was very satisfied and said that if there were no accidents, he could come to work tomorrow.

At this moment, the phone rang and a discordant voice appeared: "Hello MOTO".

13, the reason for the failure of the exam

If students fail in the exam, they really can't be blamed for the following reasons:

1. Weekend: There are 52 Sundays in a year, so there are 52× 2 = 104 days off. Excluding these days, it is only 26 1 day a year.

2. Winter and summer vacations: About two months in a year are either very hot or very cold, so you can't study. So after deducting 60 days of winter and summer vacations, it is only 20 1 day a year.

3. Annual legal holidays account for 10 days, and only 1 9 1 day is left after deduction.

Sleeping 8 hours a day accounts for one year 122 days, leaving only 69 days after deduction.

One and a half hours of meals, snacks and fruits every day take up 23 days, so if you deduct them, there are only 46 days left in a year.

6. The game time per day 1 hour accounts for one year 15 days, and only 3 1 day is left after deduction.

7. The communication time per day 1 hour accounts for one year 15 days, and only 16 days a year after deduction.

8. Going to the movies, shopping or other activities accounts for 10 days a year, and there are 6 days left after deduction. 9. It is estimated that if you are sick for five days a year, there will be only 1 day left in a year.

10. Today is my birthday.

How can students pass the exam with so little study time? So you can't blame them.

Funny sentences and comments series:

Monday, February 30th is fine.

It's too bad the sun didn't shine all day today. Dad bought two goldfish and drowned one in the water tank. I am sad.

Teacher's comment: I am also very sad. I've lived so long that I've never met anyone on February 30! I have never seen a sunny day without the sun, and I have never seen a goldfish that will drown.

1. Subject: When ...

The child wrote: He took off his clothes and put on his trousers.

Teacher's comment: Does he want to take it off or wear it?

2. Title: Among them

Children write: My left foot is hurt.

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede?

3. Title: One by one

The child wrote: After work, my father went home one after another.

Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have?

4. Theme: Sadness

The child wrote: There is a ditch in front of my house, so sad.

Teacher's comment: The teacher is even sadder.

5. Title: Again ... Again ...

Children write: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Teacher's comments; Is your mother a deformed diamond?

6. Title: Look.

The child wrote: What are you looking at? I haven't seen

Teacher's comment: I haven't seen it.

7. title: prosperity

Children write: bustling confession.

Teacher's comment: Don't watch too many series!

8. Title: Delicious

Children write: delicious fart.

Teacher's comment: Some things are inedible.

9. Title: Innocence

The child wrote: It's really hot today.

Teacher's comment: You are so naive.

10. Title: Sure enough

Children write: I ate fruit yesterday and then drank cold water.

Teacher's comment: Yes

1 1. theme: ... first, then ... example: eat first, then take a bath.

Children write: goodbye, sir!

Teacher's comment: Imagination exceeds the wisdom of people on earth.

12. Title: In addition,

The child wrote: a train passed by, besides, besides, besides.

Teacher's comment: forget it when I die. 1 robber: tell me the password of the safe.

Salesgirl: I won't tell you if you kill me! Even if you spoil me, I won't say anything

The robber looked her up and down and said, you must be beautiful!

A Dai had a physical examination, and the nurse told him to have a urine test and a stool test. As a result, it took a long time,

The nurse wondered: Are you going to take the exam or not?

A Dai: I've swallowed my urine, but it's a little difficult to defecate.

Going to the top of Mount Tai with friends to watch the sunrise, a friend pointed to the sky and said, "I saw it!" " "

"I saw it too!" At this time, someone in the distance came out with trousers and scolded: "See it when you see it!" " What are you yelling about? "

When I was born, God promised to marry his most beautiful daughter to me. I looked around, looked up and down, waited for 2 1 year, and then ran to ask God.

God said, "What's your hurry? I don't even have a girlfriend yet! "

Lele: Mom, how did I grow up? My mother felt that the opportunity for education came, so she said that my mother raised me with a handful of shit and urine.

Lele cried: How did you give me those? Oh!

I heard that you quarreled with your wife yesterday. How did it end? " "Of course she knelt down and begged me!"

"no! How did she beg you? "

"She said,' I won't hit you. "Come out from under the bed!" "

Bajie peeked at the spider essence taking a bath, wanted to see the naked body, and asked Tang Priest for help.

Tang Priest shouted, Look out! It thundered! It's raining to collect clothes! Spider elves ran ashore.

Bajie fainted: Master, I'll take you.