Why do men often break their promises?

In love, in order to make themselves feel safe, women often take the initiative to make men make promises. Out of love for women, men will readily agree to make many vows to women At this time, women are relieved, and men are happy to see women at ease. However, when women keep asking for commitment, when the frequency is too high, then this kind of behavior between lovers, which should be used to enhance each other's feelings, will cause a heavy psychological burden to men. After a long time, men often meet women's requirements.

I heard the story of a woman named light light blue. Light light blue is a petite and weak woman. She lived a hard life since she was a child, and her parents ran around for a living. This growing environment made her feel insecure. When she grows up, she hopes that her other half can be a warm man and give herself a sense of security.

After falling in love, she devoted herself to love, often pestering her boyfriend to make phone calls and going out for shopping and eating together. The most terrible thing is that she often asks her boyfriend to make promises, such as: they will never be separated, and her boyfriend will always love only one woman. At first, my boyfriend was able to swear seriously, but later he was asked many times by his girlfriend. Her boyfriend is obviously impatient and thinks that light light blue is too naive.

My boyfriend thinks that as long as he loves her, why should he care about this formalistic oath? Too many vows lose their meaning. Therefore, in the later days, every time Light Light asks her boyfriend to promise, her boyfriend will be timid and feel as reluctant as going to war. As long as the boyfriend doesn't want to, light light blue will spoil or pretend to be angry and say that the boyfriend doesn't love himself until the boyfriend scolds himself. Over time, my boyfriend's psychology is really overwhelmed. Every time I see my girlfriend Light Light asks for her promise, I resist. In the end, their relationship came to an end.

At the end of the breakup, Light Light accused her boyfriend of saying, "Sure enough, men are unreliable, and their promises don't count. I made a mistake. I thought that meeting true love was actually just a game. "

In fact, seeing this, my feelings are very tangled. Men are endlessly asked for commitment, and obviously they are overwhelmed. Men are passive, and when they finally break up, they have to bear the emotional condemnation of the other party and feel that everything is their own fault. In fact, if you think about it carefully, you always feel that something is wrong. It should not be such logical thinking. What kind of relationship does a man keep his word and a woman ask for commitment?

First, what is the "overrun effect"

"Over-limit effect" refers to psychological impatience or even resistance to a stimulus for a long time or too much. This effect comes from an interesting story:

Mark Twain, a famous American writer, went to church to listen to the priest's speech. At first, he thought the priest spoke very well. Mark Twain decided to donate some money to the priest after he finished speaking, but after a long time, before the priest finished speaking, Mark Twain became impatient and decided to donate only a small sum of money. However, after a long time, before the priest finished speaking, Mark Twain felt very angry and decided not to donate any money.

This shows that when the stimulus is too much or the action time is too long, it will cause people's rebellious psychological phenomenon, that is, the so-called extremes meet, and the shadow of "overrun effect" can often be seen in love.

The second is the problem reflected by the "overrun effect"

Although we all think that the vows of eternal love in love are often naive and pale, it is undeniable that women often like to listen to this pale commitment, even if they hear calluses, they will not be tired. In order to meet their own requirements for commitment, women will constantly ask men to make various commitments.

In fact, for men, making a promise is tantamount to imprisoning their freedom, so men actually don't like to take the initiative to promise anything. If women keep threatening to promise, this promise is not from the heart, and it will naturally produce disgust and resistance like Mark Twain. Therefore, the promises made in this case are often perfunctory, just to avoid the entanglement of women.

The reliability and authenticity of an unintentional promise will be greatly reduced, so men themselves are often indifferent to their promises and have no sense of responsibility for their promises. So it is very undesirable for women to ask for commitment on their own initiative. If you ask for commitment only to make yourself feel safe and show that the other party values and loves you more, then you can adopt other smarter methods instead of taking this superficial approach.

(1), the ways and means that women need to pay attention to in love.

In a classic movie "king of comedy" which contains many people's memories, in order to kiss a man, considering the shy nature of women, women took the opportunity to kiss a man with lipstick, and the man had been in love with a woman before. Through such clever temptation, two people naturally understand their own thoughts.

When two people are in love, in order to make it clear that men value and love them, the authenticity of the promises they ask is often unreliable. I remember a ridiculous sentence: men are reliable and sows can climb trees. Although this is a bit extreme, sometimes a man's promise is really a blank check, so if you want to test a man's love for yourself, you can only do it through other channels.

For example, on Valentine's Day or his birthday, did a man prepare a small gift for himself, even if the gift was not expensive? As long as he made this gesture, he could at least show his intention to his woman, such as whether he assumed the sense of responsibility that a man should have when he came to visit relatives or needed a man's help in daily life, and whether he did whatever he wanted.

Instead of threatening men with promises, it is better to observe carefully and let men show sincerity with their own actions.

(2) Women should not take themselves as the starting point.

Self-centered people will be trapped in the biggest trap in life. I Ching

In order to gain a sense of security, women constantly ask men to make promises, but they don't know that such "emotional blackmail" has exhausted the other party and caused great psychological pressure in their hearts. Men will feel that every time they make a promise, they lose a freedom. When more and more promises are made, it is like being entangled in silk and unable to breathe.

Love is a matter of two people, and we can't just consider our own emotional needs selfishly. The best state of lovers is that they don't have any psychological burden when they are together, and all their words and deeds follow their inclinations. Each other's every move can bring sweetness to oneself, and the things experienced with each other often become beautiful memories in the future.

Only when two people are together and think more about each other can the relationship be smooth. The pleasure of self should not be based on the emotional suffocation of the other party.

(3) Women need to put themselves in each other's shoes.

Russian writer krylov once wrote a fable "Demjan's soup", which well explained what the overrun effect was.

Demjan invited his friend Foucault to have soup at home. He has been persuading his friends to drink soup. Foca said he was full, and Demjan kept urging him, "Never mind, just a small bowl. It's delicious to drink such fish soup! " "This soup is delicious, old friend, you must finish it!" He didn't let his friend rest, and he kept persuading him to drink soup. Foca managed to drink a few bowls, and Demjan brought another plate of fish soup. Foucault immediately picked up his hat and crutches and ran out the door, never going to Demjan's door again.

The picture of this fable is very similar to the way women keep making promises to men. Women think that asking men for commitment through various means is actually telling men that they care about him and love him very much. If you don't care about each other and don't love each other, you're too lazy to let men swear by each other.

In fact, there are many ways to express love. What you think is that it may be a heavy burden for the other party. When love becomes a sweet burden, then men will eventually run out like Foucault in Demjan's Soup.

(4) Women need to know and master the boundary of "degree"

To be a man, we must grasp the sense of proportion; When doing things, we must control the scale. To be a man, you should be distracted and behave in a measured way; Do things with tricks to advance and skills to retreat. Some things, when you see them, you don't see them clearly; You don't understand them when you see them clearly; When you understand them, you don't see through them; When you see them, you don't see through them.

We often say that we should pay attention to a "degree" in doing things, that is, the scale. In the final analysis, love is also a kind of work, so it is natural to pay attention to the boundary line of scale when falling in love. From the perspective of communicative psychology, the communication between people must be measured, and beyond the scope of measurement, it will inevitably break the balance between the two.

Laozi said in the Tao Te Ching: Governing a big country is like cooking small fresh food. In fact, love is similar to cooking, and we all need to master a scale principle. MSG is a well-known condiment, which has a unique effect in enhancing umami flavor. However, if it is excessive, the dishes will not only be delicious, but will be bitter.

So is love. Proper coquetry can make a man promise, which can promote the intimacy and interaction between two people, while frequent active requests for promise will increase men's resistance to women and will be regarded as a heavy psychological burden.

Third, the meaning of the oath.

Women naturally like to listen to men's promises. Even if "I love you" is said ten thousand times, women still enjoy it. In the eyes of most men, the oath is actually ridiculous and meaningless. There is not much difference between saying and not saying, and there is no constraint. Speaking out does not necessarily mean that this relationship will last forever, and not speaking out does not necessarily mean that this relationship will end in vain.

Why does that woman still like listening? Don't they know that this commitment is unconstrained? When you are in love, your promises are like imperial edicts, and when you part ways, your vows are like air, and you never care. In fact, women certainly know the illusion of vows of eternal love, and they don't completely listen to men's vows of eternal love. As women, they long for love to last forever and hope to exist forever. Women's subconscious "giving" has a strong emotional demand for the "eternity" of love, while men's vows can meet women's expectations of "eternity", so even if men say "never part" and "love you forever" 10,000 times,

For them, it doesn't matter whether the oath can really be fulfilled. The important thing is that women feel happy after listening to it.

Fourth, how to treat the vows of eternal love in love?

Vows run through the whole process of love. Mutual commitment can make each other know more about their love and make each other more convinced of their determination and dedication. They have seen many love movies. At all times and in all countries, mutual promises between men and women, even vows of eternal love, are very common, which makes people feel that if there is no oath in love, then this relationship lacks color.

There is a classic love oath line in the movie Notebook:

In your life, there will at least one time that you forget yourself for someone, asking for no result, no company, no ownership or even love. I just want to meet you in my most beautiful years.

It sounds like a romantic mood with fantasy. Sometimes romantic love vows are like the spiritual opium of love, especially for women, but we still have to remind ourselves to treat them rationally.

A man's heartfelt promise is often the presentation of his true thoughts, at least it shows that he thinks so at the same time. Once they want to break their initial positive commitment, men often feel guilty. Even if there are some frictions and contradictions in feelings in the future, men will consider leaving very carefully and never choose to leave unless they have to.

Therefore, if a woman wants an eternal love, it is very meaningless to ask for it on her own initiative. In addition to bringing psychological burden to men, there will be no big constraints, and men will not feel responsible and guilty. We are not prophets, and we cannot predict what will happen in the future. Even if he loves you now, it doesn't mean that he still loves you after years of baptism. Instead of forcing men to say those unwanted promises, women should let nature take its course and let time witness men's attitude towards feelings.