How to understand the last sentence in my brother Leslie Cheung's suicide note?

Leslie Cheung jumped off the 24th floor of Mandarin Hotel on April 1 2003.

The last sentence of my brother's suicide note is like this:

I have never done anything bad in my life. Why?

As for this sentence in my brother's (Leslie Cheung's) suicide note, I remember watching an online suicide broadcast last weekend. The suicide who suffered from depression for many years said three words at that time: Why did I get depression? I have done nothing wrong. Why is this life?

How happy death is for me! The second sentence that the suicide said is the same as that in his brother's suicide note. "I have never done anything bad in my life. Why is this? " How similar. Judging from their understanding of depression for many years, they said that this sentence has nothing to do with good people and bad people, good and evil causality. It's just that depression is too painful to sigh. What symptoms does my brother have? In his report, his friends, agents and media contacts mentioned that Leslie Cheung in front of Cha Xiao Xin was pale, gaunt and his fingers were shaking badly. "I asked him when he would come out to work, and he said he would come out soon. See you then." The affectionate embrace of the two turned into a farewell. A Hong Kong media source who interviewed Leslie Cheung many times also revealed that the two met five months before Leslie Cheung's death. "When I interviewed that day, I saw his hand shaking all the time, shaking badly. At that time, he was too ill to sleep. " Later, he acid reflux, burned his throat. Leslie Cheung went to Australia to see a doctor, who advised him to quit smoking and drinking. But because there was a contract at that time, the sound of the records recorded in the studio was not perfect, which made her even more depressed. At that time, there were still four films waiting for him to shoot. Unfortunately, due to lack of energy and poor sleep, he smoked more and more, one after another, shivering with a glass in his hand, fidgeting and distracted.

There is a sentence in my brother's suicide note, "I have worked hard for a year, and I can't stand it anymore." The report quoted above mentioned that he was so ill five months before his death that he couldn't even sleep.

In addition to other symptoms of depression, only long-term insomnia (chronic sleep deprivation) can lead to fatigue, muscle pain, weight change (decrease or increase), headache, shaking hands, chills, bloodshot eyes and bags under the eyes, nystagmus, hypertension and increased hormone levels. It can also affect the brain, mental state and cognitive system, and lead to inattention, unresponsiveness, depression, irritability, confusion, distraction, (intermittent) amnesia, hallucinations and similar symptoms of mental illness. Therefore, sleep deprivation will be used as one of the means of torture. Stress, illness and other reasons last for more than 5 days and need hospitalization intervention to alleviate.

He was very demanding of himself and didn't give up his job during his illness. In addition to the recording mentioned in the above report, he was busy preparing his directorial debut before his death and went to Qingdao to see the scenery three months before his death. Chen Shufen, his agent, choked up in an interview that he struggled for a long time after his illness. It's true.

Suffering from depression can make people feel so painful, so suffering from moderate and severe depression will last for a certain period of time. For people with many symptoms of depression, suicide is a shortcut or even the only choice to get rid of pain. So people who are suicidal will say, "How happy I am to die! 」

Alfred Mok, my brother's last friend, told the media that Leslie Cheung called him at ten o'clock in the morning and said that he would drive himself out of the street and drive around aimlessly. I felt very hard that morning. I just want to drive fast, so I'd better crash. When they met, he mentioned the way of suicide and said bluntly: "The most direct way to die is to jump off a building. 」

What my brother did is already a warning of death, and it can also be said that it is a subconscious distress signal. His sister Look Ping Cheung told the media that he had said goodbye to her many times before committing suicide. This is not the first time he tried to kill himself. In a meeting with reporters shortly after his death, Tang Tang revealed that he tried to commit suicide with 1 1 last year (2002). Later, his friend Alfred Mok told the media: As far as I know, Tang Sheng, Chen Shufen and many friends never left him because they were worried about the accident of their fraternity. Two or three weeks before the accident, Leslie Cheung showed emotional stability, talking and laughing, and seemed to have recovered, so later he wanted to go out alone, and everyone was less alert.

My brother's relatives and friends were paralyzed by his seemingly progressive performance, so he succeeded in committing suicide. Many people don't know that patients with depression still have the risk of suicide for a period of time after attempted suicide, and their painful symptoms and obsession with getting relief through death can't be alleviated. People who have tried suicide will still choose this path. Psychological diseases such as depression are no worse than physical diseases, with obvious symptoms such as ulcers and limb injuries. Even if the patient is terminally ill, leads a hard life every day and has a strong suicidal impulse, many people can still talk and laugh with the people around them through deliberate concealment, seemingly innocent. Their subsequent suicide behavior makes it difficult to believe and accept that they suffer from depression.