The adolescent son was "like a demon" constantly, and she cried after finding the root cause. ......

Coordinate | Shenzhen

After studying family education for a year, it is really bittersweet. As the first teacher of two children, the quality of education is constantly improving.

A year ago, I was described as "sad, desperate and helpless".

At that time, my relationship with my adolescent boss was very tense.

The boss plays games all night, sleeps in class during the day, does not do his homework, and is indifferent to things at home. He closes the door when he comes home from school every day. Life has nothing but games!

I still remember one night when my boss was a freshman, the class teacher asked me to go to school and let me take him home, because he was playing games at night.

I said sorry to the class teacher with a face of shame, and led the boss who was nearly 1.8 meters tall to go home.

Under the dim street lamp, everything around me was gray, just like my mood at that time-disappointment and despair, a desolate place. ...

Along the way, I didn't say a word to my boss, but kept asking myself, "What should I do? What shall we do? What shall I do? "

No one can give me the answer. I seem to have reached a dead end. ...

Fortunately, from March 2065438 to March 2009, I started the journey of family education system in despair.

It is the first time to take the course of "cultivating children's self-confidence" When I heard the first lesson, I understood:

We used the wrong strength in family education before!

Urging children not to make mistakes is exactly what I often make!

Children's self-confidence is destroyed and their sense of self-worth is too low, so they are addicted to online games and can't get out …

From then on, I began to write a positive diary to my boss with my desk calendar every day, trying to get rid of my own standards, accept him little by little and give him a little positive feeling.

Gradually, the smile on the boss's face, who always stinks, increased, and he even helped his family consciously.

However, his state in class is still good or bad, or he often doesn't do or hand in his homework. I am often anxious in my heart.

In this case, I often criticize my boss unconsciously, and the impatient boss returns to the original "fighting mode"-becoming angry from embarrassment, closing my heart and making me cry anxiously but indifferent. ...

I feel exhausted after every conflict. When I finished the lesson of "embracing a new life connected with my heart", I understood that trouble is bodhi, and there is a big gift package behind every conflict.

When I realized this, I tried to catch the children's complaints and dissatisfaction in every conflict. I deeply understand that it is a child's potential need. This kind of capture made me "mend after the sheep is dead", met the reasonable needs of my boss in time, and the parent-child relationship was greatly improved.

After writing "Raising Psychological Age", I have a further understanding: the boss is in adolescence, and my psychological age is also in adolescence or even childhood, so how can I lead my children when I sometimes escape and sometimes impulse?

I want to raise my psychological age to adulthood!

The first key to reaching adulthood in psychological age is: boundaries. The so-called boundary is to distinguish between your own affairs, other people's affairs and God's affairs. Go all out in your own affairs, respect other people's affairs and let nature take its course.

From then on, when I have a conflict with my boss again, I will first give myself a self-affirmation in my mind: "You are a smart mother, calm down!" " You must have a way! "

Whenever I think like this, my heart will be full of strength and my mood will soon calm down.

At the same time, I try to keep my voice down and slow down to talk to my boss. I tried to keep my words concise and to the point. I tried to use "Can you ... how do you feel ..."

These sentences make the boss feel respected.

At this time, he usually gives me a positive response, which gradually improves our mother-child relationship. When we eat, we start talking and laughing, and the boss gradually takes the initiative to tell me some news and what happened in class.

However, the boss is still muddling along in class and homework.

No matter how well we communicate, no matter how readily he agrees, there is always a lack of further action! What is the reason? What's under the iceberg?

I'm confused.

One day at noon, my husband and boss had a fierce argument about their study.

When I saw the child's eyes were red, I said to the boss, "Our goals are the same. Mom and you go back to your room to talk about it in detail, okay? "

With our son's permission, we went back to his room. The son cried and complained to his father, "It's always like this. I've been denying me since I was a child. Today is the last straw to crush the camel. I don't want to live! "

I am aware of myself at the moment:

What can we do to get out of this dilemma?

Confused, I opened the course "Iron Triangle of Life" and began to review.

When I once again heard Mr. Huang explain the true meaning of the iron triangle of life, I suddenly realized that the boss's iron triangle of life was not solid! The son has too many complaints about his father. Isn't this a sign of the lack and instability of the father-son relationship?

Gee, why didn't I think of that?

A triangle has three sides. In my family, the relationship between husband and wife is stable.

Dig into the boss's advantages every day after study, and the mother-child relationship is acceptable and stable here;

However, the relationship between husband and boss is always bad, and this side is collapsed!

Therefore, no matter how hard I work here, the iron triangle of the boss's life still can't hold up!

According to the principle of "family first, personality second and knowledge third", family first is obvious. Because the long-term tension between father and son has not reached the standard, how can children concentrate on their studies?

Thought of here, I was so excited that tears came down, but they were tears of joy. I finally found the root of the boss's constant demon: the boss is very eager for his father's "seeing"! However, my husband has been paying attention to his shortcomings and what he can't do.

I excitedly told my husband what I found, but unfortunately, my husband was still angry with the boss, refused to communicate with him, and said in anger that he would let the boss die.

Later, I had a brainwave, imitated my husband's tone, edited a short message, and sent it to my husband through WeChat, "ordering" him to forward it to the boss:

Husband "resisted" for a while and finally sent the information to the boss.

Observing the boss's reaction at night, it seems that my mood has eased.

On Saturday, according to the boss's performance, I edited a short message for my husband to forward to the boss:

Later, I contacted the boss's tutor, and the teacher reported that the boss was more active and cheerful in class on Saturday, and the quality of his homework was also improved!

I gave feedback to my husband in time, and his mood finally eased and he agreed with me.

On Sunday night, my husband who tasted the sweetness took the initiative to urge me to edit the short message and let him forward it to my son:

On Sunday night, I made an excuse to talk to my boss. I think his eyes have brightened and he has softened.

I can't help sighing in my heart: it turns out that dad has such a great influence on his adolescent son!

On Monday morning, when I came back from shopping, I found that my boss had got up (I couldn't afford to stay in bed last week), and my heart warmed up and I really felt the power of "family first".

Not happy for a few days, the class teacher's complaint message "arrived" again: the boss often misses his homework in online class.

I feel very disappointed, my anger is rising and I am at a loss. I was thinking:

I struggled for a long time and made my first decision: speak with facts and reflect truthfully.

I forwarded the screenshot of the teacher's WeChat to the boss, but I kept my mouth shut and didn't judge. Tell your boss that you haven't handed in your homework at noon, and try to keep your voice down and just tell the truth.

Facts have proved that this practice is very beneficial to the adolescent boss, who finally promised to finish all the missed homework this weekend.

I'm glad to hear that, but I'm still worried, because I'm still worried that he's just talking and not acting as usual.

My second decision is: "appreciate the diary" and write according to it. We can't deny a child's other positive behaviors just because he hasn't finished his homework.

At 9 o'clock in the evening, I edited a positive message according to my boss's performance that day as usual and asked my husband to forward it to him.

After doing this, I took my penis and rested until after ten o'clock in the evening. Received feedback: the boss handed in three assignments!

My heart secretly glad:

"Making mistakes is a necessary process for children to grow up. It has nothing to do with the child's mistake. If they make a few mistakes, that's how their ability comes from. To deprive children of the opportunity to make mistakes is to deprive them of the opportunity to grow up! "

I think of what Mr. Huang Zhimeng said in the process of cultivating children's self-confidence, and I am glad that I finally accepted the children's mistakes.

Up to now, a week has passed.

This week, the boss has been insisting on finishing his homework on time every day. I also insist on editing short messages every day and asking my husband to forward them to him. The quality of the boss's homework is getting better and better, the whole person is becoming more and more cheerful, and the game time is also reduced.

I suddenly noticed:

This idea fills my heart with joy.

I know that the future road is still full of twists and turns, and the boss's situation will continue to repeat itself, but I am no longer afraid, because I have found the root of my son's constant "being a demon": he is extremely eager to be seen and recognized by his parents, especially his father!

Find the root cause, then focus on yourself, try to love and see your children!

There is love and mobility between family members, especially when their father and son begin to establish unprecedented connections through positive information. What is there to be afraid of?

At this moment, looking back on the road, my heart is full of gratitude. I thank God for giving me the most precious gift-my child.

With them, I began my journey of cultivation. During the journey, I kept discovering beauty, harvesting beauty and feeling beauty!

Modify/Zhu Xueqin

Finishing/Zhou Xinrong

Pictures/? Pexels