What should I do if I marry a husband who likes to have fun?

Q: Teacher Fei, my husband and I have just been married for a year. We are colleagues. He chased me for half a year and talked about it. We are free to fall in love and get married. We are a very strict national unit, and it is not easy to have pressure and public opinion. After marriage, my life is not bad. On weekdays, he is very kind to me and cares about me. The day before yesterday, he went out to eat with male colleagues in several units' fitness clubs, which was regarded as friendship. I also agreed to let him go. After dinner, he told me to call me when he got home.

I thought everything was all right, but yesterday I looked at his mobile phone (we can look at each other's mobile phones) and found that he went out to play without telling me when he got home, and went back to work to rest after one o'clock. In fact, before I got married, I also knew that he loved to play. He used to go out drinking and playing cards. I keep changing him. I haven't been to a bar since then, and I rarely play cards, but occasionally I go out to play cards without telling me and have quarreled many times. He hasn't been to a bar since he got married, and playing cards is only necessary on certain occasions. It doesn't matter if you play cards occasionally.

After he found out yesterday, he first denied it. I made him swear to me, and he swore. He thinks I'm cheating him, but I even know when and where he went. At that time, I thought this person was terrible and strange. He was a liar without blinking, really. I told him to give him one last chance to express his love, but he still admitted it (he didn't know that I even knew the details, so he told me that someone else would go to the bar after dinner, and he went home by himself because he promised not to go to the bar. After returning home, someone sent him a message saying that he wouldn't go to the bar to sing in ktv, but insisted on getting together once a year, so he went there and then went to xx to have a snack. After that, he went with three others. What he said is quite consistent with the time and trajectory I know, and I believe he is telling the truth this time. He explained that he thought my ideas were very narrow, and they were all colleagues in the unit. It is good for him to know more friends.

As I said before, he likes to play. When someone invites him to play, he will go anywhere, whether he is familiar with it or not, and he will play until the end. This is our difference. He thinks my circle is small, but he has many friends and I have few, which is true. I had a big fight with him yesterday, mainly because I was talking about him. I'm mad at myself. I feel desperate and think the person I am looking for is not good. Just got married and went out to play without telling me? I don't think I can change him. I think he treats me like a fool. I want him to promise me two things during my wedding trip. Don't lie to me and don't go to bars. He said to me yesterday: "First, he admitted that he didn't lie to me. Second, he promised not to go to the bar. I don't think he likes it. He will go back to work at once. " Then he left, closing the door before I left. I was angry, but I passed. How should I deal with such a man? I don't think I can change him. I can't do anything now.

A: First of all, you and your wife should change a habit, that is, look at each other's mobile phones. China people, especially women, are very interesting. Once you become a lover or husband and wife with a man, you will think that his is yours and yours is yours. The other party can't have any privacy, so you should be absolutely honest.

This has formed a strange phenomenon, that is, when you look at the other party's mobile phone and QQ WeChat password, you have to tell each other, which is also called love. However, if you observe and understand your inner self with your heart, you will find that it is impossible for people to be absolutely honest. In other words, no matter how close you are, not everything can be told to each other. Partners are naturally more intimate than outsiders, but they will never be so intimate that they have no personal privacy and are completely transparent. Imagine, can you open your eyes to see your partner's nakedness in broad daylight and keep your eyes open while having sex with each other without being shy?

I think most people close their eyes when they are in love. Because you can't be shy, and you can't face complete truth and transparency. Therefore, people should have privacy, or a relatively independent and completely private space.

When two people seem so close that even personal items such as mobile phones can look at each other at will, it is not a good thing, and it is not worth showing off, because one day, two people will feel suffocated in this relationship, and the reason why they feel suffocated is because they have lost their private space and live in front of their partners completely transparently. No one can be invisible and can't be. Once one party feels suffocated first, it will try to escape, not necessarily divorced and derailed, but also addicted to games, often attending parties and playing chess with the old people downstairs. These are all temporary evasive actions. When the sense of suffocation becomes more and more serious, it ranges from depression and autism to almost no communication between them, to derailment, divorce and even life-threatening (such as jumping off a building, killing a child and committing suicide, etc.). ).

Learn to give each other some breathing space, and at the same time enrich yourself and recharge yourself with solitude. Don't get married with golden eyes. You can't wait to stare at your partner for 24 hours. In a year or two, you will turn yourself into an dissatisfied wife and a yellow-faced woman. I'm so sorry about your life. Your parents didn't raise you this big to find a man to torture yourself.

A person who can be alone and constantly recharge must also know how to get along with his partner. Therefore, try to leave some private space for each other and yourself, keep each other mysterious (everyone is particularly interested in mysterious people and things), and learn to be alone.

This is also the beginning of a clear line. You know, most of the contradictions and conflicts in China's marriage started with unclear boundaries. Yours is yours, his is yours and his parents are yours. This kind of family life without boundaries and principles will make life worse than death. Even if you continue, you can't be happy.

Secondly, set the boundaries between each other and make clear where the edge of this boundary is, what can be crossed and what can't be crossed by half a step? What is the bottom line for you to tolerate each other, and what can't the other side tolerate you?

These should be written clearly. The two sides should negotiate to see which ones can take a step back and which ones can be resolutely observed, so as to reach an agreement and then abide by the regulations separately. Once they break the rules, they must be punished as a warning, instead of conniving at each other in the name of love. Your connivance today not only harms yourself, but also harms the other party to become an unprincipled person. Love is not connivance, love is respect, it is mutual understanding and common growth, but you should correct me if I am wrong, and you should say it if you are wrong.

Third, correct that you want to change the other person's mind and make the other person become what you think or what you are now. People's growth is not what you think or what you look like. You don't live to be what he thinks or what he looks like.

Everyone's living environment, education level, parents' genes, family and personal karma are different. Although the consistency of living habits and three views does affect the emotional development of two people, you can't control everything, and don't try to agree on all views. In this world, more than one flower blooms. If your own lilies bloom, you have to allow others' peonies to bloom.

As long as it is not a matter of strong principle, don't haggle over every ounce and worry day and night. For example, if he goes out to play occasionally, you just need to tell him that you want him to come back early, because you want to stay with him for a while, or you will feel warm when you see him. You tell the truth and clearly why you want him to go home early. This is your emotional and psychological needs. Only when you make it clear can he understand. Don't expect him to understand what you are thinking unless you tell him. This is unrealistic, because you may not guess what the other person really thinks. How can you hope that if you don't talk, the other person will understand you? Not to mention complaining that he is irresponsible or questioning that he doesn't love you.

Fourth, don't always be a lady or a princess. Even if you are angry again, don't throw the other person out of the house and let him go.

Talking too much will really send him to someone else's arms, because you keep telling him to fuck off, and he has to fuck off!

The most taboo between husband and wife is to break up or drive each other out of the house when they are angry or have contradictions. If you really can't help losing your temper and cursing others, you can also take the opportunity to shout: Hey, wait a minute, you have to get out with your things. Take your wallet and buy me a catty of bananas in the supermarket downstairs. I have to use banana peel as a mask to smooth the wrinkles accumulated just now. Or you can shout: hey, you can go if you want, but don't forget to pack me up and take me away, or I will be even more angry if I can't find you.

In this way, what contradictions and conflicts can't be solved? Husband and wife, it should be quarreling and then talking and laughing. Of course, you may feel like a woman. Don't be so humble. But in fact, you have humbled yourself to the dust for love. When you are alone, why should you live with humiliation? Women are water, which can turn diamonds into soft fingers. Don't be brave. You always expect a man to humbly apologize before you think he loves you. If you feel that the other person is apologizing for loving you, you are in your heart. Then the other person thinks so, too. If you don't apologize, you don't love each other and don't have each other in your heart?

Finally, try to cultivate hobbies or things that only the two of you can do in daily life.

This is very important. Don't say why you sacrificed your hobby for him. People's hearts will change. You slowly integrate into his hobby and quietly add your own unique elements. It's been a long time. Although it seems to be his hobby, it is boring or meaningless without you to do it with him. So, do you think he will still care about you?

For example, he likes parties. If you don't work overtime or pester the children, just go with him and dress yourself up. You are noble, elegant, radiant, dignified and low-key. When someone praises you, there is light on his face! If you can't accompany him, be his image designer and let him shine. At the same time, quietly put a note in his pocket or wallet, write some sweet wishes or you hope he will come back early, because you are waiting for him in bed, or tell the reason why you are eager for him to come back early, that is, your emotional needs.

What should you do after he leaves? There is really nothing to do. You can play with handicrafts, or do yoga and draw pictures. Or simply read Murphy's article from beginning to end. Or even worse, while he is away, do a part-time job or WeChat business or something, quietly make money and save personal money (what's wrong with you these days, what's wrong with you). In short, enrich yourself and be happy alone. Send him a short message occasionally during the period, wishing him a good time! Don't say anything else, and don't expect him to reply to your message and chat with you. If you expect him to play outside, you should send a message to report the progress from time to time. This is actually similar to remote monitoring. He will not be able to completely relax himself and then go home with a trace of dissatisfaction. A dissatisfaction will not affect his opinion of you, but it will erupt sooner or later.

The more you can be alone, the more you know how to love yourself, and the easier it is to have happiness. Chen Mo wishes you, learn to love yourself, learn to be alone, and have the happiness you want as soon as possible!

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