(Urgent) Who has a short double act?

Quit drinking

Walking east and west on the North and South Streets, people bitten dogs on the cross streets.

Picked up the dogs to chop bricks, but the bricks bit their hands.

There was an old man who was only nineteen years old. He was drinking lotus root and wine.

I had never seen such a thing since I was a child. He was pulling a train with a tricycle.

Hey! Do you listen to this? !

Today, I will tell you about a stand-up comedy, in which there is such an outrageous person.

When did this happen? This happened during the Qing Dynasty. There is such a rich man, he has a huge fortune, and he is one of the top people in Beijing. This old man has two sons. The eldest son is very calm and capable no matter what he does. Where is this second child? He is an okay person, but he has a small problem, and he likes to drink wine. How good is he? He hung a wine gourd over the bed. When he woke up at night, he would open the gourd and take a few sips. He would not go to the toilet properly. He placed a wine jar at the door of the toilet, and he would have to take a few sips after using the toilet! ! !

Just like this, he drank every day, got drunk every day, and drank every day.

Finally one day, the old man died. He was seriously ill and was about to die. He called his two sons to him, made arrangements for the funeral, and left the eldest son alone. He said to the eldest son: "I am going to die. My biggest wish before my death is for your brother to stop drinking. Even though our family is Even if you have a lot of money, you can’t afford this!” The boss nodded in agreement. The old man died after saying this. The two sons finished taking care of the old man's funeral affairs, and the eldest son began to help his brother quit drinking. Someone told the boss that the second brother was an alcoholic! ! ! I had to ask an old mage to perform an exorcism, and the boss believed me. He told me that this was a case of indiscriminate medical treatment due to an emergency. I spent a lot of money to hire a group of magicians, but I didn't expect that these people were like a gang of two masters. They spent all day reciting the "Grape Sutra" at home. That person asked what the "Grape Sutra" is? In fact, this is what the liar said: "If you eat grapes, you won't spit out the grape skins; if you don't eat the grapes, you will spit out the grape skins"! ! ! (Chanting) In fact, they themselves don’t even know what they are talking about! ! !

Just like that, the exorcism failed, so I asked the boss to kick those people out. Some people also said that the second child has been infected with alcohol bugs and needs to be exposed to the alcohol bugs. It’s the dog days of summer, comrades, just hang up a living person with a rope and let him dry in the sun. Can you bear it? Regardless of whether you can endure it or not, the boss is really cruel. The result still didn't work. It's over again.

Otherwise, the boss was smart. He asked someone to find a large ocean tank. This person asked what a large ocean tank was? The large water tank was a large water tank that could only be moved by five or six strong men in the early years. Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't be anxious, just listen to me slowly! ! ! The boss made this big vat and filled it with a vat full of old wine. After filling it, he put the second son in. He also got a big grinding disc to cover the mouth, and then put a seal on it. It read: "My brother only gave this seal to quit drinking. He deserves to die if he quits drinking." After this was done, he left. This made the second brother very happy. He could finally have a big drink. He drank inside and sang: "It doesn't matter if I'm drunk to death. I'm buried by the wine shop. I smell it." The fragrance of this Daqu makes me feel as happy as a god!" ! ! (Singing), you hear this word is not bad. But the second child's wife can't sit still at home. If she drinks the boss to death, will she survive? ! ! He ran to the water tank overnight, knocked on the water tank, and said, "Master, are you okay?" When the second child heard that his wife had arrived, he was very happy, "Hey, there is no need to break the seal, if you are still married, bring me a pickle"! ! !

When his wife heard this, hey! ! ! Why are you still drinking?

Warlord Han Fuqu's Lao Tzu

I'll tell you, listen.

Talk about Han Fuqu. His hometown is Ba County, Hebei Province. He was a filial son at home. Later he went to Shandong and became the emperor of the country, but he still did not forget his roots.

One time, Han Fuqu’s father celebrated his birthday. In order to make the old man happy, Han Fuqu specially asked someone to take the old man from his hometown in Hebei to Shandong. In his own house there was a big banquet, singing, and juggling.

The old man was so happy that on a whim, he insisted on asking the opera singer to perform a piece of "Guan Gong Battles Qin Qiong". I won't talk about it because Mr. Hou Baolin once said that today we will only talk about the part about Han Fuqu's father.

If you don’t tell me, I will be just like my son. This Han Fuqu and his father just came to Han Fuqu’s house and looked at everything. On the old man’s birthday, Han Fuqu called. The squires and nobles who ruled Shandong came to wish the old man a birthday. When the old man saw his son making a phone call, he became very interested in the phone. How could this thing still talk? This is really: "In a dark room, if you don't open the window easily, go and shake it, and I will catch you hiding inside"! ! ! (old-fashioned telephone that generates electricity by shaking your hand). The old man saw that so many people came to his son's house after just a few phone calls. After a few phone calls, a banquet was set up at home. He thought this is a good thing. If he shakes it and shouts a few words, he will have delicious food. Ah, this is amazing! ! !

After his birthday, the old man said to his son: "Boy, I know your filial piety. Dad doesn't want anything, so just give him the little house on the table and take it back to him." ! ! Han Fuqu didn't know what the old man's intention was, and he didn't ask much, so he gave the old man the phone. Just like that, the old man returned to his hometown with his baby in his arms.

Everyone will understand the result even if I don’t say it! ! !

Warlord Han Fuqu's "Little Path" and "Big Thief"

In 1930, Chiang Kai-shek transferred Han Fuqu to serve as chairman of Shandong Province. After arriving in Shandong, Han Fuqu was nicknamed "Han Qingtian" by people. Because he often sits in the lobby of the provincial government and interrogates various criminal cases such as thieves, drug offenders, gamblers, etc., he becomes more and more obsessed with justice. Moreover, he does not judge cases according to the law, but only based on his personal mood and anger, and does whatever he wants. When he was interrogating the case, there were military judges and others from the law enforcement team standing on both sides. He named the prisoner and asked him to stand at the entrance of the hall. He looked at the prisoner intently for one or two minutes, looked at the prisoner's face, checked his complexion, and said nothing. He grasped the prisoner with his right hand, and then stretched his hand to the right. The law enforcement team soldiers pulled the prisoner to the right and stood there, then took him to the prepared execution car and shot him. If he lifts his right hand upward and stretches his hand to the left, the law enforcement team will pull the prisoner to the left and stand. This means he is considered innocent and is ready to be released. No matter how many prisoners there were, he would always look at each other, look at their faces, and hold his hands to indicate that he was done.

Once, a footman named Xiaodao was hired by Sha Yuebo, the Shandong Provincial Government Councilor. He was only fifteen years old at the time. Sha Yuebo, the Councilor of the Shandong Provincial Government, sent him to deliver a letter to the Secretary-General Zhang Shaotang. At that time, the " Han Qingtian" sat in court to interrogate a group of thieves. Xiaodao was curious for a moment and stood on the right side of the lobby to take a look. The law enforcement team actually pushed the little page boy who was watching the case into the execution car. The child was so frightened that he shouted: "I am the messenger!" When Han Fuqu heard this, he asked what was going on? The law enforcement soldier said: "Report to the chairman, he said he was delivering the letter." Han immediately replied: "The person delivering the letter should also be shot!" It turned out that "Han Qingtian" mistakenly believed that he was delivering the letter to the bandits. The child was so frightened that he could no longer speak. He was pulled out and shot in a daze. Afterwards, Sha Yuebo waited until he had lunch but did not see Xiaodao coming back, so he asked Zhang Shaotang, Secretary-General of the Provincial Government. At this time, the Military Law Department checked the list of the dead, but there was an extra body. After investigation, it was proved that it was Killed the trail by mistake. After Sha Yuebo learned about it, he quickly took Xiaodao's mother crying and went to the provincial government to find Han Fuqu, saying that the law enforcement team mistakenly pushed Xiaodao into a car and shot him. "Han Qingtian" smiled and said: "Now he is a gangster. If we don't kill him, he will be a big thief in the future! I don't want to embarrass Councilor Sha. Just give his mother five hundred yuan to live." The matter ended like this. .

Do you think this person is a complete bastard? Warlord Han Fuqu's Grain Trial Case

Han Fuqu has more than one thing that makes people guess. There is also the Shandong Grain Case. Han Fuqu's actions are even more incomprehensible.

Because China was in war at the time, warlords from all sides were constantly plundering the people, and famines of varying degrees occurred in various parts of the country. People in Shandong Province, under the jurisdiction of "Han Qingtian", were in dire straits, and * Merchants took the opportunity to hoard food and raised the price of food so high that the people complained even more.

In response to this situation, in order to recuperate and recuperate, warlords in various places have strictly ordered grain merchants not to increase prices arbitrarily. Violators will be subject to military law. But where the profit lies, people follow the trend. In order to make a fortune, grain merchants still secretly raised prices. As a result, many unlucky grain merchants were found out and lost their lives in vain.

In Shandong Province, several grain merchants who secretly increased prices were also caught and immediately taken to the outskirts of the city and executed. When he heard the news, Han Fuqu was playing mahjong with his concubines at the Chairman's Mansion. When he heard the news, he jumped up. He didn't even bother to put on his shoes, and pulled one over with his two big bare feet. The horses without saddles were mounted and galloped straight to the execution ground on the outskirts of the city.

When Han Fuqu arrived, the firing squad raised their guns at several trembling grain merchants. Han Fuqu hurriedly shouted to stop, then jumped off his horse and personally shot several shocked grain merchants. He loosened the ties and said to them: "Guys, Mr. Han didn't entertain you well, which frightened you. This is all my fault, Mr. Han. I apologize to you, and please don't worry about it."

Several grain merchants looked at Han Fuqu's strange face in stunned silence, almost suspecting that they were in a dream: "Chairman Han, aren't you going to shoot us?"

"What should I do? Will you be shot?" Han Fuqu burst into laughter: "You have brought grain and rice to the people of Shandong. I am so grateful to all the people in Shandong. No matter how unjust I am, I can't retaliate and shoot you, right? I'm ignorant and have neglected a few people."

"But Chairman Han," the grain merchants said with a grimace, "We have violated your military order by raising the price of grain privately."

"Hahaha," Han Fuqu threw his head back and laughed: "Isn't it just a price increase? Increase it, increase it, increase it. You can increase it as you like. Anyone who dares to make things difficult for you will be with you. I can't get through this." He shouted loudly.

In fact, people still don’t understand what he thinks! ! !

Quit smoking

The horse is thin but has long hooves and fat hooves.

The old couple sleeps on a hot bed.

The old man wants to sleep in the bed.

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My wife died in vain and refused to let me go.

The old man said I picked up the firewood.

My wife said I burned the kang.

The old man said he wanted to sleep, but he wanted to sleep.

The wife said no, no, no, no, no, no,

The old man picked up the dust rake,

My wife picked up the rolling pin and played table tennis until dawn.

It was a nice hot bed, but no one fell asleep.

(Pat Xingmu)

Today, I will tell you about this stand-up comedy. This cross-talk is not about today. The other person asked when it happened. It was 60 years later. The other person asked how did you know about the incident 60 years later? You, don’t worry about it.

There is such a person in this paragraph, his surname is Chuang, and his name is Chuang Addicted. Why is this called smoking addiction? He has loved smoking since he was a child. He would steal his father's cigarettes when he was a child. He has been called this since he was a child and is addicted to smoking. When he gets bigger, no one can control him anymore. He can smoke five or six packs of cigarettes a day. Not only does he smoke, he also has some crooked ideas. How to say: "Two packs of cigarettes in the morning will keep you energetic for the whole day, two packs of cigarettes at noon will bring you boundless happiness, and two packs of cigarettes at night will beat the living gods." Don't you think he is unlucky?

One day, the city where this addicted smoker lives becomes a smoke-free city and no one is allowed to smoke. Now he is addicted to smoking and is in a panic! ! ! What can we do? (Performance, with facial expressions and movements) Alas! ! ! Yes, we don’t live here anymore, we can move to another place. We have prepared dozens of sacks of cigarettes, and we have built such a small house in the desert, where we can smoke as much as we like. Others don’t know! ! ! From a distance, there was only a streak of yellow smoke, "Yo!!! What do you mean? Why is there still yellow smoke in the desert?" I didn't know it was him smoking there. But this good times did not last long. Within a few months, the whole country became a smoke-free country. I had no choice but to go abroad by boat to smoke.

He sat on the boat and looked at it from a distance. It was like "the lone sail was far away in the blue sky, and only the cigarette butts were a little red"! ! ! Okay, just go ahead and move yourself to a foreign country. It has been less than two years since we started smoking in foreign countries. The World Health Organization announced that the earth has become a smoke-free world. Look at how strong he is, you can't just watch him get addicted to cigarettes and suffocate him to death, right? The final discussion is to send him to the moon alone! ! !

Just like that, he went up to the sky and was whipped out! ! ! He spent 16 years on the moon. One day, his family brought him back. When he came back, he had snow-white hair and a snow-white beard! ! ! When I came down, I was carrying a sack of cigarettes. Someone asked him: "What did you say? Why are you still carrying a cigarette?" Looking at this man again, his eyes were filled with tears, and the tears were rolling in his eyes. His mouth trembled and he said four words slightly: "I don't have it." Bring fire”! ! ! !

I am covered with your quilt, and you are covered with felt.

If you have money, I will use it. If I don’t have money, I will use your money.

If I commit a crime and enter the cell, you go inside and fight with me.

If you commit a crime and get into the cell, I will send you a lunch box every day.

When you take this oath, I die behind you; when I break this oath, you die before me.

As the old saying goes, "If a person's heart is evil, a dog won't eat it." Listen, if a person is uneasy and always wants to take advantage of himself, then the dog won't like it.

Isn’t that right? Two days ago, there was a person in our teahouse, let alone who he was, who was cheating on her during the performance. It's over.

The other day I was talking about the eight screens, but now it’s time to talk about children. When the one who complimented me made a mistake, I thought to myself, are you going to fight with me? I left you on the stage. What kind of character do you think this is?

He was supposed to say, just treat me like a little kid, but he didn’t say that and opened his mouth and said, “Just treat me like a little girl.”

What a joke. The little boy had just finished the child's words and opened his mouth to speak. When he heard him say "little woman", he was stunned. What? When I was poor, I was not afraid of poverty. I didn’t do that. What should I do? I couldn't do this. I was so filled with hatred that I gritted my teeth and thought, 'Okay, boy, if you want to disgust me, okay, let me show you what I'm really capable of.' He's really smart, his mind works very fast, he just grabbed a few sentences and opened his mouth to speak.

'You can't compare to a little girl'

I said in my heart: "There is nothing I can't compare to, you are really just a little girl"

I heard it with admiration , 'Oh, you still have to pick it up, okay, let's see how you pick it up' and asked:

"Ah, why can't I compare to this little girl?"

"Let me tell you. Listen, think about it. In the Tang Dynasty, there was a woman whose real surname was Zhu and whose name was Mulan. Later, the emperor conscripted troops to attack the Xiongnu. Because she had no brothers in the family, and her father was too old to bear the pain of military service, she was. She resolutely put on men's clothing and assumed the alias "Hua Mulan" and went to war on behalf of her father. In the army, she was upright and brave in battle, and made great contributions to the Tang Dynasty. After returning to the country, the emperor named her the Minister of the Marquis of Wanhu Palace. She was not fooled by money. She resolutely returned to her hometown and left behind a piece of "Mulan Poetry" to express her filial piety. She is truly the most filial woman in history. Can you compare to this little woman?

Hearing this with admiration, he said, 'Hey, he has really been dealt with. No, I still have to embarrass him.

'

Hurry up and answer "If you can't compare, you can treat me as a troublemaker."

Hearing this amusingly, 'Okay, you are really sincere in making trouble. Okay, what are you doing? It's easy to behead a crime, but you have to be beheaded to be honest. Come on'

He searched for vocabulary in his stomach again, stared at him and opened his mouth and said

"Okay, I said Let me tell you, I am thinking back to that time, a year before liberation, at the Chang'an Grand Theater, famous actors from all walks of life celebrated together, a great responsibility, a great cooperation, and everyone was singing a famous drama and was killed. At this time, I didn't want a supporting actor to appear. Unfortunately, I couldn't come at the moment. I happened to catch up with Mr. Hou Baolin and Hou, who was watching the show backstage. Mr. Hou Xirui suggested to save the scene for a while. Mr. Hou Baolin couldn't retreat, so he dressed up properly and came to the stage with a trembling hand. Unexpectedly, I was nervous for a moment and stood in the wrong position, attracting the audience. Mr. Hou Xirui was shocked when he came on stage. Now he made up four sentences to wipe out the embarrassment. I immediately became angry. In the past, I sent two troops to each side, but today I have to do it. I'm pulling you, and I want to beat you with a whip. Mr. Hou is really causing trouble, can you compare?"

路

The most important thing in life is Be humble and prudent. No matter what you do, you must be humble. You will do something yourself. Don't show off in front of others. What will others see when you show off? If you have something to show off, you should be humble in front of others, and you will definitely not suffer.

I am from Shandong. I usually speak in our Shandong dialect. I have a fellow countryman who is also a pretty good person. He just likes to show off his ability and know how to do whatever he encounters. more than others. It was a joke when I went on a business trip to Tianjin a few days ago.

Why is he making a joke? Before he went to Tianjin, he learned a few words of Tianjin dialect. When he arrived in Tianjin, he showed off. One morning, he was wondering about Goubuli eating steamed buns. He knew that the steamed buns were delicious but he had never eaten them before, so he planned to try them. However, he didn’t know where Goubuli was. He had to ask around. At this time, by A young man came in front, so he went up to him and asked him how to get out of here. When he asked, he remembered the Tianjin dialect, and he opened his mouth and said: "Excuse me, how can I get to the Goubuli bun shop?" (Tianjin dialect) When this person heard this, Tianjin people didn't know Goubuli. reason? He was looking for fun with me, so I pointed to the north and said, "It's in the north." (Tianjin dialect) This person is also sincere and went to the north, but after walking for a while, it feels wrong? Why don't you even see a store? Let's ask more. There happened to be an old lady basking in the sun sitting in front of her. She walked over and said, "You're tired, how can I get to this Goubuli steamed stuffed bun shop?" (Tianjin dialect) When the old lady heard this, she said, "What?" Don’t Tianjin people know that Goubuli? Where are you kidding me? I also made a mistake and pointed to the north: "It's in the north." When this person heard it, he was right. Let's go north. I don't know how long we have been walking. Anyway, the sky was a little dark. This person Why hasn’t Xunsi arrived yet? At this time, an old farmer who resisted the hoe came up from the front. This old farmer hurried forward to greet him. He opened his mouth and spoke in Shandong dialect without using Tianjin dialect: "Uncle, how can Goubuli leave?" The old farmer was amused and said: " "Young man, it's not easy for you to reach this point in Goubuli, Tianjin. This is the Miyun Reservoir." Well, he went the wrong way.