From the moment you were born, you became TA's family.

Every mother will probably remember the face when her child was born, wrinkled and ugly, but so naive and beautiful.

At that time, our greatest wish was that TA could grow up healthily and happily.

With TA climbing, walking, running and jumping day by day, our requirements for TA are getting higher and higher unconsciously.

"I'll be angry if you do this again!"

"You are such an obedient child!"

"I think ..." "You don't have to think about it. Just listen to me. I'm doing it for your own good."

……

I believe that the above words are not unfamiliar to you, and it doesn't sound serious, but to what extent will it affect children?

At the end of the wonderful conference last week, a teacher, Wu Zhihong Gao Made Song Xiao, publicly mentioned his family background and his relationship with his father for the first time.

Several cases mentioned by Mr. Wu may vividly refresh your understanding of the importance of coming from a family and your importance as a parent.

(The following is taken from Wu Zhihong's speech "The Injury of Being Born in a Family")

First, be obedient

As we all know, obedience is the key word of family education in China. In China, obedience is the most easily used compliment when parents praise their children.

As long as they are children, no matter how old they are, even if they are forty or fifty years old, they must listen to their parents.

The story I want to tell about obedience is like this.

Not long after I came to Guangzhou Daily, I received an email from a girl telling her story.

Probably, she has been in love with her boyfriend for three years and is very loving, but her parents, mainly her mother, don't agree with her life and death. In the end, she was really forced to die. She was in pain and didn't know what to do.

I seldom see readers who write to me, but this letter touched me, so I invited their family to a quiet western restaurant to chat.

I asked the girl's mother: Why do you object to your daughter's love?

The reason given by the mother at first was that the daughter was good-looking and the boyfriend was not worthy.

To tell the truth, this girl is not very good-looking, at best she looks straight. I gave this response directly.

My statement immediately refuted the mother's reason, but she didn't insist too much, and then gave a new reason: my daughter has a high degree of education and he has a low degree of education.

In fact, there is little difference between female undergraduate and male junior college, and the income of male students is three times that of female students.

Thus, the mother's second reason was refuted.

Finally, suddenly, the girl's mother fell into a state of hysteria and shouted:

? "She told me before that she would tell me everything. As a result, she secretly fell in love for half a year before I found out! She used to be obedient to me. That's my little cotton-padded jacket! "

She might yell, "She lied to me! She betrayed me! " Something like that.

At this moment, I instantly realized: in fact, this is a disobedient thing, which has nothing to do with the happiness of girls.

The girl made only one mistake, that is, she didn't listen to her mother.

Later, the girl asked me what to do, because I had not been a consultant at that time, so I said to her, "It seems that your mother is serious. What do you think? "

Later, the girl chose to break up with her beloved boyfriend. But then she flew away and left her mother.

In the end, she gained independence in this way, but this independence was miserable.

Me: All love in the world is for the purpose of aggregation, and there is only one kind of love for the purpose of separation, that is, parents' love for their children.

Whether you like it or not, TA will eventually become independent, from a child attached to his parents to an individual who can take responsibility.

What we need to do more is to teach TA how to live independently bit by bit, and how to live independently after TA downplays our life.

Second, get hurt.

The second key word I want to say is injury.

This is the inevitable result of obeying logic.

When parents think that it is natural for their children to listen to their own words, it is easy for parents to do some cruel things to their children without knowing it, even the children themselves don't realize it.

I saw a news that a girl was looking for a cat.

The girl had a cat five years ago. The cat is close to her. Whenever she gets off work, the cat will meet her at the door. This cat is also her friend. She will confide in the cat.

However, one day when she came home, she found that her mother had sold the cat.

This news made me feel cruel, so I immediately turned to Weibo, but I didn't bring any serious words.

So, under this Weibo, there are two kinds of seriously opposing responses:

One answer is, is the cat more important or the mother more important?

This is a dispute of opinion. I always say opinions don't matter. Let's look at the facts.

Another reply is to tell a story similar to this woman.

They are all their own pets or beloved things, and they are disposed of by their parents at will. Under this Weibo, I found that there are too many such terrible stories:

A netizen said that he had a chicken when he was a child. One day, his father drove him and the chicken to the balcony and gave him a knife. He must kill the chicken before he can enter the house.

There is also a lady who had several dogs when she was a child, and all of them were killed and eaten by her father.

Not only that, parents are confident when they do these things. In the reply of netizens, many people should be children, but they also defend their parents.

Why is this happening? Why do you think your parents are right after doing such a cruel and terrible thing?

Because obedient logic, as the number one rule of China family, is seriously unbalanced.

As the same space for parents and children, the family needs to establish some rules.

Good rules are balanced and both parents and children should abide by them.

Bad rules are seriously out of balance, and only one side is biased.

When parents completely believe in obedient logic, they will really think that what they are doing is right and for the good of their children.

Then, when they hurt their children cruelly, they lose consciousness.

Similarly, when children fully believe in obedient logic, you will be abused unconsciously.

Me: I once read a joke to the effect that one child said that "adults always say that our children are picky about food, but they don't talk about themselves", and another child said "because they love to eat" ...

Good rules are balanced and both parents and children should abide by them.

Bad rules are seriously out of balance, and only one side is biased.

TA made a mistake and had to face the wall. What about you? Do you want to find an excuse to prevaricate, or do you want to die together?

In an unfair social environment, TA still has to face double standards at home. What do the children as monitor think?

Third, love and doting.

The third key word I want to say is doting.

Do you often hear your parents say, "I spoil you like this!" " "

I happened to interview a business entrepreneur when I was at Lakeside University. Her name is Sun Bo.

As a result, during the interview, I noticed that our room was quiet, but there were several girls arguing in the corridor.

She went directly to the waiter and told her to close this door and open that door.

The key point is that in this process, she went directly to the waiter without consulting me at all, and she was not angry, just let the waiter solve the problem.

I have met many people who do whatever they want in the past, and they are all a little antisocial, but Sun Bo has no such feeling at all. She is a gentle beauty.

I asked her how she grew up. She said that her parents are geologists and travel a lot. When she was a child, she grew up with her grandmother, who loved her in various ways. In her memory, she never denied her, let alone beat and scold her.

When she was in kindergarten, because she was an energetic child, she refused to take a lunch break, and the teacher could not control her. Finally, she said to her grandmother, please do something.

In order to solve this problem, her grandmother resigned from the hospital and became a school doctor in her granddaughter's kindergarten, so that her granddaughter could stay in the office at noon without taking a lunch break.

She has another thing. In junior high school, she could actually go to the best middle school in Beijing, but she had to apply for another school, because the school uniform was beautiful, and her father agreed.

I think in China, most parents can't do this, and there are many such things in her life.

I think it's called doting. Have parents who always talk about "doting" and "doting" their children really done this?

Even, in your love, is there such a taste?

I must emphasize that I also think that Grandma Sun Bo has gone too far, so I don't advocate this practice. I just want to give this example to illustrate what doting is.

Moreover, growing up in this environment, Sun Bo became the most human person in the eyes of her friends. She didn't become a bad person because she spoiled and did whatever she wanted.

Spoiling will make children worse. This logic that our society always says has not happened to her.

In fact, I have seen many similar stories, but I have never seen them. Children are spoiled by doting. On the contrary, children become humanized because of love.

So, doting on this keyword, what is going on?

My understanding is that this is an extension of obedient logic and a part of a whole set of words to defend parents.

Parents who obey logic are cruel to their children. When something goes wrong with their children, parents say:

"You see this child, we are so good to him, how did he become so bad!

Oh, we were wrong. We shouldn't spoil him like this. We should control him more forcefully ... "

Therefore, doting is actually a self-deception statement invented by China parents to protect their narcissism when their children have problems.

One logic we need to know is that when children have psychological problems, it is often the parents' upbringing that has problems. They almost always don't love them enough, so parents won't love them and hurt them.

The saying of doting is said to be that parents love their children too much and spoil them too much, which gives parents a reason to further strengthen the logic of obedience.

Me: I have to say that Sun Bo's parents' "doting" must be put in quotation marks. This is truly healthy love, with respect, listening, understanding and suggestions.

Such children will have high self-esteem, and there is no doubt that TA will be what live high wants, with the ability to love and healthy social relations.

Four. Vitality and life

The fourth key word I want to say is vitality.

I talked about the disadvantages of obedient logic in China's parenting, so how to raise children?

My favorite sentence is that parents should be good containers for their children.

The so-called good container is:

When the child does something well, recognize him and encourage him;

When the child is frustrated and needs support, accompany him and support him.

At the same time, when the family is like a solid container, the child's vitality will flow in it, and it will be a dynamic child.

In fact, there is only one kind of vitality. When vitality is seen, it will become better, such as enthusiasm, creativity and love.

If it is not seen, it will turn black, such as hate, anger and attack, which is destructive.

Actually, it's all the same, just the difference between being seen and not being seen.

If you can't see the child's original vitality, no matter how much you think you have done, it's not love.

Finally, tell me my own story.

When graduating from high school, our popular way is that everyone has a guest book for students to write something.

Almost half of the messages left by girls mentioned that I made a wonderful speech in Chinese class.

This shocked me a little, so I asked my buddy who had eaten with me for three years, am I like this?

The buddy was surprised and said, of course, I thought you especially liked being noticed, so you always talk in Chinese class and often exaggerate.

In fact, I don't want to win anyone's attention at all, whether it's a classmate or a teacher. I just suddenly had an idea and couldn't help but want to share it.

But apart from words and thoughts, I am definitely not an energetic person, and even my vitality has nothing to do with it.

This happened because my grandparents suppressed my parents with obedient logic, which caused them to suffer from severe depression and even didn't want to live, which also affected me.

In the past, people often belittled the post-90s generation in various ways, thinking that each generation was inferior to the next, but now this view has been greatly improved, and there are more and more praises for the post-90s generation.

I agree with the statement that Sheng Xitai, resident partner of Hongtai Fund, said that the post-90s generation is the first generation of normal China people.

Because, after 90, they can finally live without serious collective trauma, and their vitality and creativity are far better than their predecessors.

It has been ten years since the publication of Why Family Hurts People in 2007, and I am glad to see that the overall cognition of society has indeed changed a lot.

For example, there is news about foolish filial piety. Ten years ago, most people would praise him, but now most people will oppose him.

When there is news of serious child abuse, journalists often use the word "improper education", and now more and more people begin to use "abuse".

These cognitive changes, I think I have played a certain role, for which I feel gratified, proud and proud.

In addition to cognitive changes, I have a deeper desire:

I hope China's family is full of love and respect, and everyone is full of vitality.

Me: Avatar's classic I See You explains the way and meaning of love. Love is listening, respecting and feeling. It is a life that sees the vivid existence of another life, which makes TA grow more brilliant.

The above parts are the text of the speech except what I said. )

In the past two years, the issue of birth has been constantly raised, and the issue of family education has been paid more and more attention. How many parents' children grew up in mental trauma because they didn't have a healthy relationship in family of origin?

Now that these children have children, if they don't study and change deliberately, they may still be educated according to the original model.

What these young parents need now is to learn to manage healthy relationships, to heal themselves, and to let their children grow up slowly with stable emotions and love.

May every angel who lands beside us have a bright smile when he is happy and tears when he is sad.