Tell some of the funniest jokes to get wealth points

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The scold said: Don't do this, who is going to pour boiling water on me?

2. Waiting for the bus

Catch the bus to work this morning , when we arrived at the platform, the car had already started. So I chased and shouted: "Master, wait

I, master, wait for me!..."

This is a passenger who stuck his head out of the car window and said to me: "Wukong, please stop chasing me."

3. How unreasonable

Outside the delivery room of the hospital, a group of The man was waiting to become a new father. A nurse hurriedly walked out of the delivery room and said to one of them: "Congratulations, your wife has given birth!"

The other one The man threw the cigarette butt on the ground, jumped up and shouted: "That's unreasonable! I arrived before him, why hasn't it been my turn yet?"

4. Acupuncture

A arrived During a health checkup at the hospital, the nurse took a needle to draw his blood. A looked at the shiny needle and couldn't help but ask, "Will it hurt? I'm afraid of pain!" The nurse said, "Don't worry. I have been a nurse for more than 20 years..." A said, "That's great, I'm relieved!" Then the nurse inserted the needle, and only heard A's scream like a pig being killed, and then the nurse slowly stopped. Then he said: "There is no pain."

5. Self-defeating

In the bar, George was drinking beer alone. He suddenly felt that he was going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would drink his beer secretly after he left, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup." When he came back, he found that another note had been added to the paper. One sentence: "I also spit out a mouthful.". . .

6. The voice is too loud

Zhuge Liang is a man who is proficient in eight kinds of skills, one of which is ventriloquism. But on this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing things with Liu Bei in the tent. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid that Liu Bei would hear him, so he was embarrassed. He had an idea and said: "My lord, in order to adjust the atmosphere, how about I imitate the woodpecker call and call it to you?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang imitated the sound of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked: "How is it, my lord? Do I learn the same thing?" Liu Bei said: "You can learn it again. You farted too loudly just now, and I didn't see it."

7. < /p>

There was an ugly girl who could not get married and hoped to be abducted. One day, her dream finally came true. She was kidnapped. The kidnappers thought she was ugly and sent her back to her place of origin. The girl refused to get out of the car. The kidnappers gritted their teeth and stamped their feet. Said: Go! I don’t want the car anymore!

8. The train was very crowded during the Spring Festival travel rush. A certain person took advantage of the stop and stuck his butt out of the window to defecate. The inspector under the car noticed and yelled: Fat man holding a cigar, put your head back

9. I was on the side of the road and saw a penny. I was about to bend down to pick it up. It turned out to be phlegm. I *, damn mother, who vomited so roundly?

10. During a military drill, a cannonball strayed far away. The soldiers sent to investigate found that the shells had fallen in the farmland. There was a farmer standing in the field. His clothes were torn and his face was dark. He said with tears in his eyes: Is it worth using shelling to steal a cabbage?

11. Do you still remember the military training under the tree that year? The coach said to the students: "The first row counts!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly: "Count!" So, you turned around reluctantly and hugged the tree!

12. The weather is hot and cold, and it’s difficult to calm down in this season. I always miss you in the distance. I would like to raise a homing pigeon and let it fly to you every day, even if it can only do a simple job. A simple action: shit on your head!

13.

One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You didn’t fucking see me. A naked man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!

14. A woman from a village came to the city for the first time. She wanted to go to the toilet, but she had not seen her for a long time. She had no choice but to ask the police for help: Comrade, there is a public toilet in front. Where is the maternal toilet?

15. When the nurse saw a patient drinking in the ward, she walked over and whispered to him: "Be careful!" The patient smiled and said: "Baby.

”

16. An old man lost his car. When he put the newly bought car downstairs, he put three locks on it and put a piece of paper between it: Let you steal it! Second The crane was not lost, and there were two more locks and a piece of paper that said: Let me ride!

17. The teacher wanted the physical education committee member to confirm whether all the girls in the class were here. He said: "Go and clear out all the girls in the class. "The sports committee was a little pervert and asked hurriedly: "Which one should I kiss? "Teacher￥#......￥%

Super hilarious post from teachers and students on campus - distracted and late for class

1. Everyone knows that wearing headphones makes the sound loud, but they don't I know. Once in an English class, the teacher asked everyone to study by themselves. One of my classmates put on headphones to listen to music (of course, this is not allowed). In order not to let the teacher see, he asked the classmate next to him to watch the sound, which was very loud. He said: Teacher, come and call me! ! Then the teacher heard the sound and asked him:

2. When I was in junior high school, the teacher interrupted me. I was concentrating on reading the novel and didn't care whether it was in class or after class. A classmate next to me complained to myself: "get out of class is over." I thought get out of class was over, so I shouted "stand up" and it became quiet. I felt all eyes focused on me. Guang, the teacher said with a smile: You are going to rebel (she was still reasonable for dragging the class), and everyone burst into laughter. Why am I blushing?

3. A classmate of mine in high school was late for school at noon, and the class teacher I showed him my watch at the door without saying anything, meaning: What time is it? My classmate looked at his watch and said: This watch is not mine.

4. In English class , the classroom was quiet, suddenly my two male classmates, A: Be gentle, B: It’s okay, haven’t you inserted it yet? Haha, the whole class was in an uproar...

You know what they are doing? What? B is helping A to remove ear wax!

5. When I was in junior high school, my deskmate (male) asked her a difficult question. After thinking for a while, we said something we will never forget: "I'm sorry, good things have happened these days, but I can't do it..."

6. When I was in English class, the beautiful girl next to me accidentally slipped on her high heels. He scratched the ground. Suddenly, a sharp sound pierced the sky. The English teacher stopped and looked at us in confusion. The beauty next to us didn't respond, and I was the only one who was laughing. The English teacher asked: "Just now, were you screaming..."

7. A Chinese language teacher in junior high school, his saliva flew all over the place during the lecture. One day, he lectured passionately. , the classmates in the front row said they saw a rainbow. A high school history teacher gave an impassioned lecture, and a hidden weapon flew out of his mouth. When he looked carefully, he saw dentures...

8. In elementary school, two boys chased each other and were beaten. When the principal met, he tied the two people up one behind the other with a rope and asked them to run N circles around the playground.

9. In the sixth grade of elementary school, boy A took ink in his mouth and then sprayed boy B all over him. I went to the class teacher to complain. The class teacher said to Boy A, "You still drink ink, do you eat shit?" The boy turned around and left. The class teacher looked slightly panicked and sent another boy to see what he was doing.

10. In high school, there was a handsome boy who taught chemistry. He liked to flick his long flowing bangs, even during class. Finally one day, his head flicked - "Bang", and the teacher covered his forehead. I knelt down on the spot and stood up with tears in my eyes for five minutes. From then on, I never saw him flipping his hair during class.

11. The high school teacher talks about analytic geometry: Suppose, I have a P. Now, I put this P here...

12. There was also a school opening test for the sports meeting. We prepared a radio gymnastics program for 100 or 200 people and practiced every morning and afternoon. One day, the students were very disengaged in the practice. The principal got angry and started lecturing (the principal’s biggest specialty is roaring). He roared and suddenly a white message fell out of his mouth. The principal immediately picked up the stuff and stuffed it into his pocket, then fell silent. The students laughed again - the white stuff was dentures.

13. An old man in his fifties, a junior high school teacher, was bored during his self-study one day. He walked up to the desk of a girl in my class and greeted her kindly: "***, what is your mother doing at home? ”

14. A junior high school physics teacher whose Mandarin is super non-standard. It took us more than a month to basically understand his speaking routine.

One day, he walked into the classroom very angrily, threw his homework book on the table and said: Half of the classmates did not make ducks yesterday. Listen carefully. They will not make ducks today. Invite all your parents! Alas... we are speechless, we are all dumbfounded~~~~~