The Bible to End the Conflict between You and Your Children

It begins with "love" but ends with "words" and ends with "generation gap". This may be the case between us and our parents, but we certainly don't want it to be the case between us and our children in the future.

—? How to talk before children listen and how to listen before children speak

? Last week's article wrote the reason why I chose to read the book "How to say that children will listen and how to listen to children before speaking". Some feelings and experiences in the process of reading; As well as some notes in the book, at the end of the article, the specific skills in the book are summarized in the form of pictures, which you can save and use directly. The Bible to End the Conflict between You and Your Children | Notes on How to Speak Before Children Listen-

This week, I refined my understanding of this book and what I heard in Fandeng's book club, processed and summarized it, and improved these communication skills.

? I will briefly explain these skills from six aspects.

Myth:

Case 1:

Child: Dad, my little rabbit (toy) has a broken ear.

dad: oh, it's okay. dad will buy you a new one.

case 2:

scene: the child falls down.

mom: no, no, we are men. We don't cry. This little injury is nothing.

The above two cases often happen in our life. So what will happen if we say so?

First of all, we ignore children's feelings.

? The direct consequence of this is that children will feel that no matter what my parents are, communication is useless. Slowly, children are reluctant to communicate with their parents; At the same time, children also learn to ignore the feelings of others.

? For example, in case one above, the child hopes that her father can see her sadness.

? We can talk to the baby like this: "Dad must be very sad to know that the rabbit's ear is broken." Pay attention to the child's feelings first, and then discuss with the child what to do.

? For example, in case 2, suppose we fell down and the people next to us said nothing, nothing, nothing. What would we think? Obviously, it hurts, how can it be okay? Children are the same as us, but most of the time, children are unwilling or afraid to express themselves with us. At this time, we need our parents to detect our words and deeds.

secondly, we can't help making suggestions.

? In fact, many times, for children, our suggestions are unnecessary.

Recently, I participated in a course of "Five Prevention Safety Education", in which I talked about campus violence, and my feelings were particularly deep.

After analyzing the misunderstanding, of course, what we need more is the correct approach.

Precautions when listening:

(1) Parents should keep their mouths shut and give their children enough time.

(2) concentrate. Leave the mobile phone and computer, look at each other with four eyes, pay full attention to it, and keep people in mind.

(3) In the process of listening, pay attention to control your emotions.

(4) Use simple words such as "Oh ...", "Hmm ..." and "So ..." to respond to children's feelings.

? Listening sounds simple, but it is really difficult for us to do it. Let's cheer together!

? As we said in the above case analysis, tell the child first, you know, the rabbit's ear is broken, and she must be very sad; If you fall, it will hurt; It must feel bad to be beaten by a classmate.

What we need to pay attention to at this time is that we are always used to replacing children's behaviors or feelings with our own.

What our children often say at the dinner table is: Mom, people feel different. You think it's not hot, but I really think it's still very hot.

? Sometimes children can say it calmly, and sometimes they get hysterical. But in any case, it is worthy of recognition that children can express their feelings. If the child can't express it accurately, we must help the child say it in time.

? Let's try to talk about case one in this way:

Child: Dad, this rabbit (toy) has a broken ear.

dad: if you were a magician, the rabbit's ears would grow out.

? In fact, children like such little fantasies and games very much.

Myth:

What have you done with the following reactions when children don't live up to our expectations?

do you want to know your child's reaction to you?

? The accusations, insults, threats, orders, etc. that we usually use can only get the children's immediate cooperation. In fact, the children resist from the heart; Even sometimes, children don't cooperate with us at the moment. So what should we do?

The correct way:

For example, if we want our child to get rid of the banana peel he left behind, we simply tell the child, "Banana peel!"

? I often use this method. I hope that when the child is quiet, he will tell the child with a gesture, "Shh!"

"I see a banana peel on the ground."

? "Banana peel is easy for people to slide on the ground." ? Tell your child in a positive way.

"Do you want to throw the banana peel into the trash can in the kitchen or in the bathroom? Or you can go downstairs and throw it in the trash can in the community. You decide. "

"I saw a banana peel on the floor of the living room, and I was very uncomfortable."

? Children are happy to see their parents leave messages for them. Or we can leave a message for the children in the tone of things.

? Punishment is not only what we usually think of as corporal punishment, but also includes verbal violence, shutting down a dark room, thinking on the side and so on. When punishing, because of our parents' identity, children may cooperate because of fear, but do we really know what children really think as parents?

The idea of punishing children even after corporal punishment:

1. Mom and Dad are so annoying. I want to get revenge.

for example, children have leftovers when they eat. Parents often punish their children with "no TV today" and "no going out to play with children today".

? In this process, the children will learn: well, I can't help it. I will settle accounts with you on other things.

? In fact, what is really effective is to let children experience the natural consequences. When there is leftovers at dinner, you can tell your child not to eat any food before the next meal. Instead of using other bans to restrict children.

2. well, it's my bad luck this time. I admit it. I hope I won't get caught next time.

? This mentality, it is estimated that all of us have had it. I came in the dark when I was found out.

3. I deserve it ......

The idea of a third child often hurts the most. Children will feel bad, full of guilt and self-pity, and feel worthless.

The correct way:

For example, the teacher told you that the child had a fight with his classmates at school. We are usually anxious to criticize children, "How can you fight? If you don't study hard, you will know that you are awkward with your classmates. "

? A few simple words pushed the child away, and what the child might have been ready to talk to you was also taken back by us. So how do we communicate with children?

? We should listen and respond to children first. Tell the child, "I heard that you had a fight with your classmates at school, and I was worried about what made you do it."

"I'm so angry with him."

? "Oh, I know you must be very angry. It seems that he really makes you angry. What happened? "

? Only when we communicate with our children calmly will they be willing to share with us. In the process of children sharing, we must follow a principle and not comment. Any comments we make can stop children from sharing with us. However, in the process of listening, we still have to respond, which is what we will do in the next step, summary.

? Take the example above, "Oh, he rummaged through your things, which really makes you angry."

? After summing it up, the child's mood will be much better, and he will feel that his mother understands me.

? Then, tell the children how we feel.

"I was very worried when I heard that you had a fight with your classmates. I was afraid that you would do something that hurt each other."

? Tell our children about our worries. I often say that there will be a lot of concern in it. Therefore, when we talk about our worries, our children can also feel our concern for him.

? The feelings of each other are already clear, so next, we have to discuss specific solutions with our children.

? "Let's discuss the solution."

? In fact, more often, it is a plan that children come up with themselves. At this time we should remember that we can discuss, but don't comment. After the discussion, we can write down all our ideas. Writing it down represents a kind of respect for children.

? After writing it down, let's choose some methods that can be used.

Invalid compliment:

Baby, you are great! You are amazing!

This kind of evaluative praise will put a lot of pressure on children. Children will think, am I really that great?

The correct way:

Praise and thank your child for the good things he has done, and tell him why. Simply put, let the child know what is good about himself.

? "The sofa is very flat, the mat in front of the coffee table is very clean, and the books are neatly placed on the bookshelf."

"As soon as I entered the living room, I felt very comfortable."

? "You and your sister agreed to help her keep a secret in front of her grandmother, and you never told her. This is called keeping your word."

The above three sentences are all conversations between my baby and me. Of course, on the third thing, I told her, "If you think this matter is not safe for you and your sister, or if you can't judge for yourself, you must tell your mother."

Notes on appreciation:

1. Make your appreciation fit your child's age and ability.

2. Avoid touching his past weaknesses and mistakes.

3. Excessive praise may disturb children's enthusiasm for doing things by themselves.

4. When you express your appreciation for your child with "description", the child may do it repeatedly.

? We also know the benefits of peaceful education, but sometimes, we are really angry. What should we do at this time?

? If we are really angry, tell the children.

? I often tell my children that mom is very angry now and wants to hit someone, so run away quickly! Of course, tell the child why later.

? "Mom really doesn't like you to put your feet on the dining table. That's really rude."

the past, don't let it go like that. In a few days, after your mood improves, talk to your child about the situation at that time, discuss and analyze it concretely, and discuss specific solutions with your child.

? Children don't want to cooperate, and we can't be tough. We can't fight with the children. Therefore, we can't change the child's thinking, so we try to change his mood and try to solve the problem with interesting situations.

? For example, in the above situation, children always like to put their feet on the dining table. I pretended to be a dining table, holding my nose and saying to her, "Oh, whose smelly feet are these? They have been on my stomach and stink to death." After listening to this, the child burst out laughing and put his feet down while laughing.

take the trouble to repeat, tell the children not to hit people, I don't like you like this, you hit me like this, I really hurt.

? The ineffective way is to stop it. The more you stop it, the more you may hum. Because this time is denying the child's feelings.

? What we have to do is to confirm and tell the child, "Mom knows that you may be uncomfortable or something? Can you tell mom? " Encourage children to speak out.

understand the reasons behind children's lies. Lies usually represent "wishes" or "fears". Therefore, we'd better deal with children's "wishes" or "fears" instead of just focusing on "lying".

? These are the core of this book, some skills about communicating with children. I hope these summaries are useful to everyone.

? Let's work together to be a parent who can understand children and communicate with them more effectively. On the way to growth, let's cheer together!