I’m so angry, and I didn’t perform well in the quarrel! How to develop your ability to quarrel?

Source l Cong Feicong

Some people often say that they don’t know how to quarrel. Every time they quarrel, they are so angry that they can’t say anything. When they think of quarreling, nothing comes to their mind. I finished my words, and it was very uncomfortable to hold them back. When I looked back and reviewed the situation, I felt regretful. I felt that I should have made such a fuss and should have made that noise at that time. But in fact, next time, we should do whatever we can to avoid making noise.

Then I comforted myself by saying: I don’t like to quarrel.

What I want to say is that whether you like it or not is one thing, but whether you are capable or not is another matter. You may not like to quarrel, you may choose not to quarrel, but you must have the ability to quarrel. Because, in the world of martial arts, just because you don't like to quarrel doesn't mean that others won't quarrel with you.

When you have the ability to quarrel, you are truly free when others are quarreling with you.

If you want to master the ability to quarrel. You can look at which level you are currently at and try training at a more advanced level.

Based on a person’s psychological strength, I divide quarrels into 4 types or 4 states:

Can’t quarrel.

Intelligent quarrel.

Repeated quarrel.

No need to quarrel.

01

Can’t quarrel

The lowest form of quarrel is that you can’t say a word. I felt aggrieved, but I was so blocked that I couldn't speak. I was like a lump on an elm tree, and I couldn't make any noise at all. They can only remain silent and do not respond to the other party. Some people may even compromise and try to please the other party.

Some people will comfort themselves by saying, "It's just that I don't want to quarrel with you." This way they can gain a sense of initiative, "It's that I don't want to be in the same boat with you," and "I'm not willing to work hard. As long as you work hard, you will definitely be admitted to Peking University."

In fact, it is a defense against one's inability to quarrel.

The reason why people at this level dare not quarrel is because they have set a limit for themselves subconsciously:

You cannot have conflicts with others

Conflicts are right For many people, it is a taboo, an area that cannot be touched. So in order to be loyal to harmony, they would rather wrong themselves. There are two reasons:

1. In their imagination, conflict may hurt others, which they cannot tolerate.

This feels like two people fighting. The opponent's moves are very accurate and they want to kill you. But you are upright and compassionate. When you attack, you first think about protecting the other person and not hurting the other person.

How great it is that you want to protect the other person when you quarrel.

2. Secondly, in their imagination, conflicts may also hurt themselves.

But if you think about it carefully, can conflict with others hurt yourself? In fact, it may not be possible, but this kind of inertial fear will naturally arise, and you will be discouraged from quarreling.

I would suggest that before you want to quarrel next time, you should first judge the person you want to quarrel with: Will you hurt him after you have a conflict? If it can be hurt, can he recover on his own? If he can't, does it have any effect on you?

Then judge again:

Is he capable of hurting you?

If it can be hurt, can you recover yourself?

Is this an affordable price for you?

Then you can go to conflict.

Now that you have the urge to quarrel, don’t be afraid of both parties getting hurt. How can people be so fragile? After one quarrel, they will be injured beyond recovery?

No. Besides, is it a bad thing to experience some injuries?

When you begin to remove the shackles of "harmony" and accept the concept that "people can have conflicts", your quarrel skills will be unlocked to a new level.

02

Intelligent Quarrel

Then you come to the second level - Intelligent Quarrel.

At this level, quarreling is about "convincing people with reason." If you can truly tell people a convincing truth, it is not called quarreling, but communication. The quarrel started when someone said something that others didn't agree with.

People who quarrel at this level will be obsessed with their own reasoning and feel that others should be like this or that. You feel extremely right and wronged, but others think you are aggressive and unreasonable.

For example, Zhuge Liang's quarrel with the Confucian scholars left a bunch of civil servants in Soochow speechless. For example, your mother’s words, “You should find a partner when you are older” and “You should call us more often,” leave you unable to refute.

Some people think that they are not good at eloquence or smart enough, so they cannot quarrel. In fact, their understanding of quarrels only stays at this level. If they are not smart enough, they cannot quarrel.

People at this level already dare to conflict with others, but subconsciously they also set a limit for themselves:

People must be reasonable

This limit It suddenly made it more difficult to quarrel, as if you need to understand a lot of principles before you can quarrel.

Before you quarrel, you must first tie yourself up and put on shackles. If you don’t lose, who will lose?

First set a limit for yourself. You are not allowed to be unreasonable. But if you don’t have so many reasons to talk to, you won’t be able to quarrel with others or start a quarrel. You can only hold back your anger. Angry at myself.

Why should people consider whether to be unreasonable or unreasonable when quarreling?

Because you have to maintain a good image of being "reasonable". After all, the head can be cut off, the blood can be shed, and the hairstyle and image cannot be lost.

When you quarrel, you always hope that you are a reasonable person, so how much baggage does your image have?

But your opponent may not have this rule, just like a scholar encountering a soldier, or some men trying to reason with some women.

If you want to quarrel, but then you don’t have time to think of words, or you have no words to argue, or you can’t argue because you are wrong, you can take off the shackles of "reasoning". When you start to learn to be unreasonable By that time, your quarreling skills have reached another level.

Who says you have to be reasonable when quarreling?

03

Repeated quarrel

If you can let go of the burden of being reasonable, congratulations, you will have unlocked the third level of quarrels.

I have no wisdom, no logic, and no sense, but I can only say one sentence: "You just can't do this! You just can't do this! It's wrong for you to do this! It's wrong for you to do this ! It’s wrong for you to do this!”

When this kind of person quarrels, others have no chance to interrupt. You have a point, so what can you do?

This kind of quarrel is like a repeater. It doesn’t need a lot of words, it just needs constant repetition. This is a state where no words are better than words.

For example, a curse word can be repeated hundreds of times. For example, some mothers scold their children: "Why are you so stupid! Ah! Tell me why you are so stupid!" Just one sentence can end an entire argument.

In this realm, quarrels have put aside the burden of "harmony" and "reasoning". If you go into battle easily, the probability of winning will be higher.

After all, what you want in a quarrel is to win and have fun. Why should you care about being reasonable or not?

I once had a conflict with a real estate agent because of the 80 yuan cost when transferring the property. Because the early contract was not clear and did not stipulate who would pay, the agency wanted me to pay. Although it wasn’t much money, I just didn’t want to pay.

Then the agency tried to reason with me. I thought I couldn’t reason with them, but in fact I felt like I was in the wrong after 2 rounds.

So I adjusted my policy and said, "It's not written in the contract, so why should I pay?" He just said this sentence repeatedly, and the more he said it, the more excited he became. The sound vibrated so much that many people in the transfer hall were watching, and then the agent gave in.

I know that I won by my aura, not by reason. What I also let go of was the burden of "face."

At this level, after a few experiences, you will understand: quarreling is fun, and no one dislikes quarreling.

Those who say they don’t like quarrels are like scumbags who say they don’t like exams. They have too many frustrating experiences and cannot love.

04

No need to quarrel

This is the highest level of quarrel.

The highest state of quarrels is to have no quarrels in your heart.

I just watched you silently and silently, watching your waves, but my heart was full of peace. I watched you perform hard, and I was just a quiet audience.

Occasionally, you can also give a round of applause and say: "Well said!"

In some couples' relationships, you are hysterical here, and he can be hysterical over there. Sleep peacefully and calmly. In some parent-child relationships, you say what you say, and he does what he says, without paying any attention to it. In some superior-subordinate relationships, you criticize him, and he turns a blind eye. Such people have reached the highest level of quarreling.

The cultivation of this realm comes from: self-firmness.

I know what kind of person I am, I know what I do is right or wrong, good or bad. Your opinion has no influence on my opinion of myself, so I don’t have to refute you.

I know you won't leave me, or it doesn't matter if you leave me. I know you can't hurt me, so at this moment I don't care whether you like me or not.

I know you need me more than I need you, so I trust you to compromise. No need to quarrel with you, I just need to wait. This is why some mothers ignore their children when they try to quarrel with their mothers.

I am just a gangster, and you can’t do anything to me. If you quarrel with this kind of person, you can only choke yourself.

05

Correct the purpose of the quarrel

Quarrel is actually very simple. When you have the urge to quarrel, you must first correct the purpose of the quarrel. What do you want to do?

Is it to persuade others?

If you are trying to persuade others, then you should help the other person analyze it and communicate with him from his perspective instead of indoctrinating him.

A quarrel is just a quarrel, not a negotiation, and a quarrel cannot be reduced to a negotiation. Thinking about negotiation when you are quarreling is like playing a game and thinking about doing math problems. You can't do anything well.

Is it to protect the other person from harming him? Is it to express love? That quarrel will only get further away from this goal.

The valid purpose of quarreling can be: to win, for benefit, to feel happy, to see him unhappy, to let out a sigh of relief, etc., these are all fine.

When you know your purpose at the moment, you can weigh whether the quarrel is worth it and then do it. Don’t carry so much mental baggage.

You must learn to emancipate your mind and let go of your baggage.

Some people find it difficult, actually because they dare not live for themselves. Don't dare to value your own interests or your own feelings. Subconsciously, I deeply feel that I am not worthy, so I don’t dare to protect myself through quarreling.