The latest and most recent funny text messages in 2009

An alien arrived in a rural area and met a farmer. The alien made a "3" gesture to the farmer, the farmer made a "5" gesture to the alien, the alien made a "7" gesture to the farmer, and the farmer gave the alien a thumbs up.

The farmer returned to his home and said to his wife: "I just met an alien. It is so smart. It said three, I said five, it said seven, and I finally gave it to him. Thumbs up."

The alien returned to his own planet and said to the king: "It's incredible!" The king said: "What's the matter?" The alien said: "I just met a farmer. I said I killed three people. He said he killed five people. I said I killed them with a gun. He said he killed them with his thumb."

You have pressed your tender body against my naked body many times. The gentle caresses and irregular movements made me enjoy bursts of pleasure. While I was enjoying it, you Gradually wasting away, alas, poor soap!

One-and-a-half-pound Erguotou, two-year-old is an expert in love, three-year-old is eating, drinking, whoring, gambling, and four-year-old, cheating, kidnapping, and stealing. This person is young and promising, but when he grows up, he has a low IQ. He knows that this person is you. Still insisting on seeing it to the end. admire! admire!

Your gentleness is like an angel acting coquettishly, your beauty is like a stunning peacock, your thoughtfulness is like rheumatism ointment on the heart, and your eyes are like cute giant pandas!

If a star falls and hits you on the head tonight, please don’t worry. This is a gift I asked the fairy brother to give you. From now on, you will... live a carefree life. Happy life, because you are stupid.

Cry or be stupid, are your happy days gone? I warned you not to be greedy and sleepy, but you just didn’t listen. Now you should remember, pigs will be slaughtered when they reach a certain size

Time is really strange. Due to the recent strong solar ions, there will be no signal when making phone calls under the sun. Don’t panic. , please raise your other hand above your head to block the sun when you are talking on the phone! Remember, the higher the better!

You have high blood pressure and high blood lipids, and your position is not high. He doesn’t speak at conferences, he doesn’t speak at small meetings, and his prostate is inflamed. The political achievements are not outstanding, the performance is not outstanding, and the lumbar disc is prominent.

I call you an idiot but you still know how to read; I call you a fool and you still know how to get angry; I call you a fool and you still know how to reply to text messages; I call you stupid and you still know how to look at your phone!

The protagonist of Father’s Day is father’s love; the protagonist of Mother’s Day is maternal love; the protagonist of Children’s Day is cuteness; but the protagonist of April Fool’s Day is U, and the director is I! Happy April Fool's Day!

1. God knew you were thirsty and created water. God knew you were hungry and created rice. God knew you didn’t have a lovely friend, so he created me. However, God also knows that there are no fools in the world. , created you by the way.

2. Someone said to me: "You are as smart as a pig." I became furious after hearing this! ! I know you! ! Such an insult! I'm so sorry for the pig!

3. When Tang Seng took his three apprentices to take a break, Tang Seng looked at Zhu Bajie and said angrily: "You pig head, you actually have the leisure to read text messages!"

4. Please go to the nearest telephone pole and shout loudly to the wild advertisement on it, "My disease can be cured."

5. I had a dream last night, dreaming that you fell into a stinking After climbing into the cesspit, you actually said: After all, we were born in a good era, and even the cesspit smells delicious.

6. The address book is being deleted. All information will be lost. Please wait...

7. I chase you, I chase you, just like a hunter chases a fox; I kiss you, kiss you. I kiss you like an old man chewing corn.

8. Bajie met Yue Lao and asked: Damn! Yue Lao! Why were I separated from Gao Jia Yulan?

Yue Lao said: She is a human and you are a demon. I am afraid that your child will be born a transvestite

9. Those who go home after get off work are poor people, those who come home at 9 o'clock are drunkards, and those who come home at 11 o'clock Those who go home at 2-3 o'clock are gamblers, those who don't go home are wild ghosts!

10. The handsome guy is the handsome guy, the one who responds to everything at once is the elder brother, the taxi driver is the cool guy, and the one who reads text messages It's PIG.

11. Xiao Ming always sleeps during class, and the teacher criticizes him: Can you please stop sleeping! ? Xiao Ming replied: No, because I am a very poor student.

12. I saw you wandering around the supermarket that day. You put your hand into the machine that can check the price, and the result shows: Pig's trotters are 8 yuan. You think there is something wrong with the machine, so you stick your head in. I almost died laughing when I saw it: Pig's head is 18 yuan!

13. Frankly speaking, I like you very much. I am fascinated by your eyes, walking posture, happy expression, coquettish cuteness and even the way you sleep! But what pisses me off the most is that if you don’t catch the mice, you keep losing hair!

14. One day we came to a wishing well. I bent down and made a wish and threw a coin into the well. You also wanted to make a wish but you accidentally fell into the well when you bent down. I He was stunned and murmured to himself: It’s so clever!

15.Do you have a TV there? Look at CCTV1, the White House in the United States was bombed and the entire building collapsed. The police have sealed off the entire Washington. 19 people died, 32 were injured, and 11 people are missing. . . 1 person was deceived!

16. Since ancient times, a mathematical equation has been true (A=B, B=C), so A=C, you=animal, animal=pig, so you=pig!

17. If a star falls and hits your head tonight, please don’t worry. This is a gift I asked the gods to give you. From now on, you will live a carefree and happy life. Life, because - stupid.

18. Have you eaten enough today? Did you sleep well? Will it be cold late at night? I really want to stay by your side quietly. I know you never take care of yourself. Whenever I leave, you jump out of the pigpen!

19. Beauty after beauty, there are so many beauties. If you treat beautiful women, you will not be able to get a wife.

20. Some people say you are a pig! I criticized him seriously! How can this be? How can one say what a person is based on what he or she looks like?

21. Someone was passing by the cemetery and heard the sound of knocking. When he saw a person falling down a tree, he felt relieved and asked: What are you doing? Answer: They carved my tombstone wrong. They need to correct it!

22. Dear, do you know? You have lost a lot of weight recently! I see it in my eyes, but it hurts in my heart. The New Year is about to come, but your body is worrying... Who doesn’t want to kill a few more pounds of pigs?

23. During the New Year, I will give you the heaviest gift ever. You will definitely eat a pound of it and eat more. If you feel the portion is not enough, please help yourself.

24. Killing time with short messages is called letter life, sending and receiving at the same time is letter communication, sending and receiving like crazy is letter climax, only receiving but not sending is letter indifference, sending to the wrong person is letter harassment, sending and receiving Failure is a letter dysfunction!

Director: What do audiences think of my latest film? Projectionist: It was really a mixture of joy and sorrow in the cinema during the screening! As long as the heroine in the film bursts into tears, the audience will burst into laughter.

Old woman: You want to hire a heroine, and I will apply. Director: But you're late. Old woman: I came right away as soon as I saw the advertisement. Why are you already late? Director: You are 20 years late.

The son took the collection of poems and asked his father: Dad, why is the duck a prophet when the water in the Spring River is warm? Dad scratched his head and said: Maybe the poet understands duck language?

A: How do you use realism and romanticism? B: Well, I tend to use realism when it comes to bonuses, and romanticism when it comes to labor discipline.

Dad: Do you know why sea water is salty? Son: I know. Dad: Tell me. Son: Because the actress aunt always likes to cry at the beach.

A: I heard that you went to see a play yesterday. Does that show have a happy ending? B: Yes, everyone in the audience is excited for it to be finished as soon as possible.

Dear, do you know? When we sat looking at each other, that moment was the most beautiful moment in the world. Even if I was given the title of village chief, I would not be worthy of it.

I tied ten thousand lies into a bunch of coquettish eyes and shot them at you. You fell in a pool of blood, your body riddled with Cupid’s bullets.

He is a good citizen when he has no girlfriend, he is released on bail pending trial when he has a girlfriend, he is under residential surveillance when engaged, and he is imprisoned for life after marriage!

Customer: Why doesn’t the wine you sell taste like alcohol? Waiter: Ah, I'm so sorry, I forgot to mix your wine.

Customer: "Return the product and compensate for the mental loss." Salesperson: "Isn't the hair tonic water effective?" Customer: "It's so effective. I was captured and lived with the orangutans in the zoo for several days."

Male: "When a woman talks, it's like drawing on her eyebrows!" Girl: "You mean it's very artistic, right?" Man: "No, the more you draw, the darker it becomes."

Yesterday I really shouldn’t treat you to dinner! It turns out that my boss said he was not promoting me by asking me to take charge of the up and down work, but that I should be in charge of the elevator! !

Dad hit me twice today. The first time was because he saw the two-point report card in my hand, and the second time was because the report card was from his childhood.

An exam in law school: "What is the punishment for bigamy?" A certain student answered: "Two mothers-in-law."

The landlord accompanied the new tenant to look at the house. Tenant: "It seems that this house leaks often." Landlord: "No, no, it only leaks when it rains."

The stingy woman asked the beggar: Do you have any buttons on your pants? I'll sew it up for you. The beggar said: Kind lady, I have a button here. Can you sew some trousers on it?

The steamed bun and the noodles fought, and the steamed bun was beaten to tears, so he went home and called Hanamaki Baozi to look for the noodles. As a result, the instant noodles opened the door, and the steamed bun said: Sample! I don’t know you anymore if I perm my head? Take it!

One day, 0 and 8 met on the street. 0 looked at 8 with disdain and said: If you are fat, you are fat, why should you wear a belt? !

One day I saw you squatting next to a pile of poop. You looked at it and thought it was poop. Then you put it in your mouth and tasted that it was really poop. Then you said excitedly: "Wow! It's still poop." It’s so nice!”

Conductor: In order to support the Beijing Olympics, our train crew has launched an English popularization activity. Please show your English proficiency certificate. Passengers below Level 4 please get off and transfer to other vehicles...

The customer exclaimed: "Your thumb is soaked in my soup!" The waiter said: "It's okay, I'm used to it, it's not hot."

The coach comforted the loser The boxer: "You scared him so much in the third round!" "Really?" "Really, he thought he beat you to death."

The hunter saw a bird in the sky, I fired three shots, but none of them hit, but the bird still fell down. It turned out that when the bullet missed, the bird patted its chest and said, "I'm scared to death, I'm scared to death."

Sister: Eat some spinach, it will add some color to your face. Sister: Who cares about green faces?

A lady fell and the Prime Minister caught her. "Sir, how can I thank you?" "Just vote for me in the next election." "But my knee is broken, but my head is not broken."

Teacher educates students: How much money does it cost? If you can't betray your love for your relatives, can you beat your parents if I give you $100? The student immediately asked: How much will you give me if I beat my sister?

While the stall owner was not paying attention, Fred picked up two bottles of wine and ran away. The stall owner found out and chased me, shouting: Where are you running? Fred replied while running: You don't need to chase me, I will surrender to the police station!

"Get up, lazy boy! Look, the sun has already gotten up, and you are still sleeping!" "Nonsense! The sun goes to bed at six o'clock, and I don't go to bed until ten."

Bizarre advertisement--Audio company: making an impact in the east and attacking in the west. Lime Works: Starting from Scratch. Pawn Shop: Well deserved. Hat Company: Hat and Hat Company. Barber shop: nothing. Pharmacy: Asking for trouble.

The store owner found a boy standing next to the cookie and said, "What do you want to do now? Well, I see you want to take as many cookies as possible." "I'm trying not to take the cookie."

"The boy replied.

The judge said: You stated that you stole the food store because you were about to starve to death, so why did you steal the cash box? The defendant replied: I always follow the rules: I want everything to eat. Pay.

The farmer was forced by his wife to attend the funeral of his neighbor’s third wife. He said: I don’t want to go. My wife asked: Why? It’s too much, unless we can. Ask him back.

The first diving test is about to take place. Diving student: How can we pass the test?

There is a woman standing in the picture. In front of the portrait, there was a homeless man in rags. She said loudly: Think about it! He didn't even have money to buy decent clothes, but he could still afford someone to paint his portrait.

Child: Why do you give me a cotton ball before the injection? Father: That’s alcohol. Wipe your butt dry first, then it won’t hurt anymore. Child: But it still hurts? Father: That’s because you drink a lot. .

The professor conducted a test on a 6-year-old boy with precocious intelligence. The professor asked: When is your birthday? Child: February 20th. Child: Every year.

Teacher: Why can fish only live in water? Student: Because there are cats on land.

Little Tom was spoiled at home. When he came home from school on the first day, his mother was worried. Asked Tom: How are you at school? Tom replied: I didn't cry!

There is a problem with the Chinese saying "Money is like dung, friends are worth a thousand gold". Taking these two sentences as a premise, the logical conclusion should be that friends are like dirt.

“You want to borrow 20,000 crowns from me, Mr. Stein. Can you give me a guarantee? “My guarantee is a gentleman’s word. "Okay, I'll lend it to you, but you can bring that gentleman to me." "

Tom: How is your brother? Johnny: He is injured and lying in bed. Tom: What happened? Johnny: We competed to see who could stick out the window the farthest. He Won.

Father: You only know how to spend money, but do you know that money is not easy to come by? Son: Why don’t you know? I have to listen to you every time I ask for money.

Mother: I said Frizio, people never put their thumbs in their mouths! Frizio: Mom, which finger should I put?

When my husband gets off work. When he got home, he found that his wife was not at home. She only left a note on the table, which said: Lunch is on page 215 of "Cooking Encyclopedia"; dinner is on page 317.

The wife said to her husband: Honey, I parked the car on the street. Husband: Why not park it in the garage? Wife: It’s too dark to get all the parts back.

Conductor: Why did you take the first-class carriage with a second-class ticket? The passenger felt insulted: Should I take the third-class carriage with a second-class ticket?

You know what? After my wife got married, I never had sex with her. What about you? Xiao Ding: Occasionally, when you were on a business trip.

The judge asked the prisoner: Why did you print counterfeit money? Print real money!

Sasha came back from school and said happily: Grandma, I broke two school records at the school sports meeting today. Grandma: Who is responsible for compensating others? /p>

A farmer showed off his farm: When I go from south to north by car, it takes two days!

An audience member expressed deep sympathy: Yes! , I also had such a classic car.

A: Do you know? I am breeding a new breed of pigeons and parrots. B: Why? A: If the pigeon gets lost, then it will. You can ask for directions by yourself.

The salesman was handing out flyers, but passers-by ignored him. Suddenly a man came from a distance and asked the salesman for a lot of flyers. The salesman was excited when he saw the man. Quickly ran into the toilet not far away.

Mouse: My brother is married.

Dog: Who is your brother? The mouse said: Lion! Dog: How can a lion be your brother? Mouse: Actually, I was also a brave lion before I got married!

In the police station, the police asked the injured person who was beaten, can you describe the appearance of the person who beat you? The man replied: Of course, I got beaten because of how I described him!

A man forgot to wear a tie at work. When his boss saw him, he said fiercely: I have to have an abortion at work! The man was shocked. After being explained, he realized that the boss was speaking English.

The patient said to the psychiatrist: I always feel that I am a bird. Doctor: That’s very serious. When did it start? Patient: Ever since I was a little bird.

A little boy was caught smoking by his teacher. The teacher asked: Why did you learn to smoke at such a young age? The little boy said sternly: Alas, the motherland has not yet been reunified, and he feels very melancholy. He wants to smoke a cigarette to relieve his boredom.

Only when there is a long queue can we truly realize that we are "descendants of the dragon".