30 humorous classic phrases

1. I quarreled with my girlfriend and begged for forgiveness. She wouldn't even open the door. What should I do? -Go to the door, ring the doorbell, clear your throat, and the door will open: "Yes! Come on! Pass! "

2. In the street, a child clamored to buy cotton candy. His mother pointed to the little sugar man in her hand and said, "I haven't eaten the the Monkey King I just bought. Why are you so disobedient?" The child ignored it and continued to clamor for cotton candy. His father hurried home, bought cotton candy in his hand and told him to go. The child finally got the cotton candy and said happily to the little sugar man, "Look, Dasheng, your somersault cloud is coming!" " "

Third, when I was young, children in the yard loved role-playing. At that time, the new white snake legend was popular. Everyone scrambled to play the role of white snake. If they can't get it, they will play Xiaoqing. If they don't get it, they will play Xu Xian. If they don't get it, they will compete with Fahai. . . Every time I can't grab the weak one, I can only play Guanyin Bodhisattva, so adults in the yard can often see me sitting cross-legged on a high place, and children kneel down to worship me. . . .

Fourth, she angered her daughter-in-law, and it was useless to apologize. She turned around angrily at home: "Hum! I'm going to buy expensive ones! " As soon as I heard it, it turned around! Spend money to eliminate disasters! Immediately said: "Good! I will accompany you to buy it. " Then we went to the commodity market and bought a washboard. . .

Five, a sister, the mobile phone was stolen! ..... Joke ... That's angry! When she got angry, she went to the toy store and spent 10 yuan to buy five toy mobile phones, and then bought several long mobile phone ropes. She wandered the street all afternoon, and all five models were stolen. Sister vent their anger: grass mud horse, let you steal, let you scare, let you excited, look angry. Strangle you! ! !

7. One day, Nezha met the Monkey King and defiantly said to him, "Dare you ask a monster?" The Monkey King was shocked: "Love me like, like you said?"

8. A drunk woke up in the morning and told his wife that there was a ghost in our house. Last night, I went to the bathroom after I came back. As soon as I opened the door, the light turned on by myself, and a chill came on my face! ! ! I saw his wife slap me in the face: you fucking peed in the refrigerator again!

Nine, the two are deskmates and have a good relationship. One day A was ill, and B went out with him and then came back together. Entering the school gate, the uncle who was the doorman kindly asked, "Are you gay?" They petrified on the spot, and a cold wind blew ... A said with a small face: "Uncle, I like women." Now it's uncle's turn to be wronged. B it took three seconds to react. Grandpa asked, "How old are you?"

Ten, go downstairs to buy instant noodles and see a pair of non-mainstream couples with eight-color hair quarreling. After the quarrel, the woman has to leave. You can leave when you say so. Pull the man away, too. The man pulled back to the woman and said, "I thought we agreed to be each other's angels all the time." I really ... God knows how much I want to put instant noodles on their faces.

Eleven. In the street, a child clamored to buy cotton candy. His mother pointed to the little sugar man in his hand and said, "I have never eaten the monkey king I just bought. Why are you so disobedient?" The child ignored it and continued to clamor for cotton candy. His father hurried home, bought cotton candy in his hand and told him to go. The child finally got the cotton candy and said happily to the little sugar man, "Look, Dasheng, your somersault cloud is coming!" " "

Twelve, on the way, the girl spoiled and let the boy carry it, and the boy struggled to carry it. The girl wondered, "I'm not very heavy either. Why do you recite so hard? " "Because to me, you are the world ..." The girl smiled like a flower, and the boy had to swallow back the words "the heaviest person" that had just come to his mouth.

Thirteen, I am on a business trip with the leader. High-speed railway station met an international student from Africa and asked my leader, "How can I get to the airport?" My leader held back for a long time, looked at me awkwardly and said, "My English is not very good ..." I was puzzled at that time. . I was stunned. . .

14. I saw a mm wearing red socks, so I joked with her: What year were you born? Her eyes suddenly widened: Have you seen my underwear? ….

Fifteen, walking in the flower and bird market, I heard a starling talking, and I stopped to listen when I thought it was fun. It said "welcome", I didn't think it was a big deal, it was a routine, and then the G tide came and it said "Yo! How can I speak? "

30 humorous mood phrases

Introduction: A classmate has to go to the toilet during the exam. Go back to the classroom and say to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant, so he tested him: "What did the ant say?" The classmate said blankly, "The ant didn't say anything ..."

1. One day, Tom was sitting on the train to Washington. He is the only one in the carriage. When the train stopped at a station, the door opened and a big man came over and threatened Tom with a knife: "Want money or die?" Tom was very scared. He replied, "I have no money on me." The big fellow asked savagely, "Then why are you trembling?" Tom said sadly, "I thought you were a ticket inspector."

2, eating in the restaurant, waiting for a long time, the last two dishes finally came up, we were hungry, so I shouted: waiter! A portion of rice! After waiting for five minutes, the meal came. I tell you: maybe this is the fastest service in this restaurant ... the waiter smiled and said: of course not! The second brother asked: Is there any service faster than meals? Tell me what it is. Two words popped up in the waiter's mouth: pay the bill!

3. Wife: "Husband, I want to buy a dress. I haven't bought clothes for a long time! " Husband: "Wife, look, my ring is a little small and tight!" " "Wife:" What, do you want to change the ring? "Husband:" No, I'm a little short of money! ""Wife: "..."

4. Xiao Li chased your beauty, but the beauty refused. The beauty said, "We have nothing in common, which is inappropriate." Xiao Li said, "Is your father older than you?" Beauty: "Nonsense" Xiao Li: "Your father is older than you, and my father is older than me. Is this different? "

In the interrogation room of the police station, the policeman asked, "Why did you rob Xiaomi's mobile phone? Are you a big fan of Xiaomi mobile phone? " A: "No, because they all say that Xiaomi's mobile phone is not easy to grab. I don't believe it. . . "

6. Teacher: Xiao Ming, tell me about your understanding of home. Xiaoming: Home is the place I really want to go back after I leave for a day. Teacher: Well, good! ! ! Xiao Ming: I'm not finished, teacher. Home is still the place I really want to leave after 5 minutes. Teacher: Why? Xiao Ming: Because we have finished eating. . .

7. Son: Dad, I don't want to go to school. The world is so big, I want to go out and see it! Dad: Sure, Beijing, Shanghai ... You choose! Son: Really, it's very kind of dad ... Dad: What's delicious? Go ahead, where to go first? Son: That. . . . Let's go to Beijing first ... Dad: OK, I'll call your uncle right away ... Son: Is his uncle in Beijing? Dad: Yes, he's building in Beijing, and he just needs a mud ... Son: Ah ... Dad, I'm going to school. ....

8. Teacher: Xiao Ming, why were you full of energy just now and then depressed? Xiaoming: I'm so disappointed! Teacher: Why? I don't speak well? Xiao Ming: As soon as you started class, you said that this class was about' free nudity'. I'm so excited that I'm completely sleepy. After listening for a long time, who knew it was a' free fall'! Alas, teacher: you, get out!

9. My wife is obsessed with cooking and learned to use chopped pepper as her husband's favorite fish head. Husband smacked his lips after tasting it: what a good thing, what a good thing! Wife is happy: since it's all right, eat more. Husband: What a pity! You ruined everything.

10, just entered a company, one of Yi's friends went to the company canteen for lunch, and when he met the leader, he rushed to join in. After eating, the leader quickly took out toilet paper from his pocket and wiped his mouth. The leader praised his carefulness in public. These two goods were modest, and as a result, he said nervously, "Oh, I usually don't bring paper. I put it in my trouser pocket before I use it in the morning!" " The leader's face twitched a few times obviously, and then. . . My friend lost his job.

1 1, I have a problem with this man. I drank too much when I went out for entertainment. When I got home, I went to work and cleaned, and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I didn't know I cleaned it myself. Every time I say to my daughter-in-law, "You are really capable of cleaning up your home!" " "Once I came back from drinking. I don't know why I fell asleep after cleaning up a room. When I woke up, I found that only one room was clean. I said to my daughter-in-law, "If you want to tidy up the house, just tidy up. Don't make a mess! Hearing this, the daughter-in-law said unhappily, "You are really a gentleman who cares about everything! Don't worry about anything in the future, just care about drinking! "

12, the bus was so crowded that my colleagues and I managed to squeeze out a place. I took out my mobile phone, opened qq and began to steal food. After a few stops, I will arrive at the station. My colleague stabbed me: "steal it, we will arrive at the station soon!" " It may be a little loud. I found all the people in the car staring at us. I smiled and took out my mobile phone and waved it in front of them. "I'm stealing food!" However, a white-haired old man brought his basket back and said solemnly, "Stealing is not all from a small place! " "

13, wife: "Husband, you don't love me." Husband: "How?" The wife took a photo of her husband and a girl and asked, "Since this girl appeared, you have been less kind to me than before." Husband: "Stop it!" Wife: "I'm not making trouble." You always buy her food and clothes, and ... you often go to the bathroom to kiss her secretly at night. Don't think I don't know. " Husband: "Ni Mei, even you are jealous of your daughter!" "

14, Ruth lies on the bed and asks Jack to draw a sketch for her. Two hours later, Ruth said discontentedly, "honey, what's the matter?" Didn't you say it only takes an hour to draw? " Jack said, "I think so, too, but as soon as you take off your clothes, I think it will take three hours to finish painting!" " "Ruth asked curiously," why? " Jack said with a bitter face, "you have so much fat on you that it takes a lot of effort to draw!" "

15, police officer: Tell me about the accident. Pedestrian: I'm walking on the road. It's okay. Here comes the car opposite. I hide left and right, and it follows me left and right. I turned wherever I hid, and then I ran into it. Driver: But my car has been parked there for half an hour. . .

16, the leader's house was stolen, and the police quickly solved the case, arrested the thief and asked: What did you steal? Thief: a piece of platinum, 20 thousand dollars, four diamonds ... The police slapped the thief before they finished, saying that the thief was making it up and bragging. The leader said that he only lost 1000 yuan.

17, my friend became a father. After going to the hospital, I picked up the child and was happy. The doctor came over and said, "What are you laughing at? This child is not yours. " My friend's daughter-in-law immediately cried and said, "I'm sorry, I drank too much that night." My friend was dumbfounded. When the doctor saw it, he immediately picked up the clinical child and said, "I'm sorry, this child is yours."

18, Tang Priest: "Wukong, you trampled another ant to death. Monks can't kill! " Wukong: "Master, you walked and stepped on it." Tang Priest: "Didn't you see the teacher riding a horse?"

19. On my birthday, I got a long and exquisite package from the courier. After opening, it is fresh and lovely, an expensive plastic doll. Send a small question: "Do you like it?" I said, "Of course! Thank you for sending me a wife! " Send a novel: "I am interesting enough!" "Be loved! How interesting! " I said with a smile! "Then you should do something interesting. Since I have a daughter-in-law, don't pursue Lili again, let me pursue it alone! " "What-what-"

20. That fat woman is eating hard. Mom scolded: "You are so fat, no man will come near you, and you still eat like this!" " "The fat woman said," That's because I'm not fat enough, so men won't come near me! " "Mother:" What fallacy is this? " Fat woman: "If I were as fat as the earth and the gravity was strong enough, men would not only approach me, but also circle me."

2 1, "You never give up your seat by bus, you never wash dishes when you eat, your work is never out of date, and you never pay for play. What advantages do you think you can have? " "This shows that I am a very persistent person."

22. My husband graduated from home appliance maintenance, and his skills are superb. Basically, all household appliances can be repaired. This morning, when my husband repaired her daughter's "voice loss" for a long time, her daughter gave a thumbs-up admiringly: "Wow, Dad is really amazing, he can fix anything, but why can't Mom?" I was so embarrassed that my smug husband took a look at me and quickly said calmly to my daughter, "Your mother is even worse. She will fix me."

23. My wife and I have been married for more than ten years, and the romantic age has been a long time! This morning, I suddenly said to my wife on a whim: Let's talk about love again and pretend you don't know me. My wife said,' OK, I'll tell her,' Hi! Little bitch, who knows that this product slaps me as soon as it raises its hand, and still curses: I'm tired of harassing my aunt!

24. A very fat woman got on the bus and couldn't find a seat, so she had to pull the pull ring on the bus. Unexpectedly, the driver suddenly braked, and the fat woman pulled off the pull ring and jumped in front of the driver. The driver looked at her and the pull ring on her hand and said angrily, there are three sets. Send the driver an autographed photo!

25. It's not the first time to kiss a girlfriend. This time, she actually said that she felt her first kiss. I said excitedly, "I can give you my first kiss after so long!" " She said disdainfully, "Yes, you always make me feel kissed by an animal." Me. . .

26. In high school, everyone liked to eat snacks and chat in Chinese class. The teacher was angry and stared at us, but there was nothing he could do. . . Later, I changed to a Chinese teacher. He was very honest and never opposed our eating snacks, but everyone gradually got rid of this bad habit. Because every time someone eats snacks, the teacher will come and eat with him.

27. Once on a plane, the lady by the window needed to go to the toilet and I needed to stand up and give up my seat. I was afraid she was in a hurry, so I unfastened my seat belt and stood up suddenly. However, I didn't get up, as if a powerful force had stopped me. I resisted, resisted, resisted, but was firmly locked in my seat. What's going on here? I looked down and my seat belt was tightly tied to my body. What I untied was actually a belt.

28. Who cares about you most in your company? Our director, of course? How does Director A care about you? B Every time I say something wrong or do something wrong, the director will say, Are you sick?

29. Excuse me, Miss, do you like doing sports? I love it! I get up early on time every day and exercise for at least two hours. You are too persistent. What sports do you do? Make up!

30. When the Tang Priest and his disciples came to the daughter country, Bajie wanted to play for a few more days, but he was afraid to say. On this day, Pig said, "Master, I want to find someone here. When I find it, shall we go west again?" The Tang Priest asked, "What do you want with him? Is that person important? " Bajie: "Yes." Tang Priest: "Who is it?" Pig said with a smile, "Alone."

Editor's note: A gentleman often loses his wallet on the bus. One day before getting on the bus, a gentleman folded a thick stack of paper and put it in an envelope. After getting off the bus, he found the envelope stolen. The next day, a gentleman just got on the bus and felt a hard object around his waist. He felt it and saw it. This is the envelope from yesterday. The envelope says: Please don't make such jokes, it will affect his normal work. Thank you.

A very cold and humorous funny phrase.

1, the past is like smoke, laugh it off. My sister is a wife, but the green hat stays in my heart. If you want to live a decent life, you must wear green.

Some people say that happiness means scratching when it itches, but unfortunately it means scratching when it itches.

I can stand any lie you say, just don't say you love me.

Don't be as knowledgeable as an idiot, he will pull you to the same level as him and then beat you with rich experience.

6. The strong are not jealous of others, but dare to envy themselves.

7. Don't call me a coward, please call me a tough ninja.

8. Say that you can't foil your embarrassing nature. You're embarrassed to describe it.

9. I heard someone say that I was beautiful, and later I heard someone say that he had aesthetic problems.

10, knock him to the ground and step on one foot so that he can never turn over.

1 1. Birth needs to be queued, and death can cut in line.

12, life is sometimes like a computer. It collapses when it collapses. This is not negotiable.

13, acne is the last battle that youth and years stubbornly resist on my face.

14, the city is a noisy grave, and we are just lost and lonely souls left here.

15, don't always shout that the world has abandoned you and the world doesn't belong to you.

16, some words sound good, but you may not necessarily do them. Some people are good-looking, but they may not be suitable for you.

17, uncle, come and get your period.

18, people should watch the road, mouth to mouth.

19, q: if tomorrow is the end of the world, why would anyone want to commit suicide today? Take a seat in heaven.

20, the crowd looked for her thousands of Baidu, looking back, that person dismissed me.

2 1, after you have a post-80s heart and a post-70s face.

22, no three no four, you consider the feelings of the two.

23. I always feel that your left brain is flour and your right brain is water. Shake it and it will become paste.

24. Don't think you are an angel with bird hair.

25. I am not a rose in a vase. If I don't take care of it, it will wither. I am a grass in the garden. If I don't take care of it, it will grow wildly!

Very humorous and interesting mood phrases.

If you want to live in my heart, please behave yourself.

That so-called strength is just that meaningless bluff.

My brilliant youth lingers in your palm.

Tell me when you want to get married, and I will marry you.

Can you pretend that I'm the only one in your heart and everyone else is out?

The vows made are only mutual perfunctory and deception.

Oh, I'm just used to habits I'm not used to.

No one in this world is qualified to be with you except me.

A rain, an umbrella, a street, walking alone.

A person went ashore alone, so crowded that only loneliness remained.

I am determined to give you happiness, and no one will stop me.

You wait, one day, you will be my grandson's grandmother!

Don't be silly, lie to me with your so-called oath.

When I miss you, I am a little happy and a little sad.

If life is first seen, the Tao is ordinary.

The only thing I have to do is to obey the rules and only love you.

Lie prone on the table and gradually outline the outline of happiness.

No one can control my happiness because I want to live.

Delete a section, let time gradually kill away the memory.

Looking up at the sky quietly, just looking for the so-called smile.

I like you so much that you will die.

You see, I will be braver in a strange future.

Meat is a thing that grows too big, and the chest is a flat thing.

As long as you live better than me and die earlier than me.

You give my lover and I'll give it to you.

I want to ascend to heaven, but I can't find the elevator.

Who is urging me to grow up and lose my way?

The whole world can see the sadness in my eyes, except you.

I can't hold your hand, so I choose to let go.

Silence for too long, but I can't find a reason to be sad.

Before getting used to it, we were strangers to each other.

No vows, no promises, it doesn't matter.

Love is just a bubble, so fragile that it will break at the touch.

Looking up at the sky at 45 degrees, tears really won't fall.

I just think like is different from love, that's all.

Knowledge is like underwear, invisible but important.

I miss you so much that I love you enough to kill you.

Give me a woman and I can create an orc.

One day, the phone was walking on the road and suddenly hung up!

Pants lose their belts before they know what dependence is.

I am a little bee, and I am busy picking flowers all day.

In short, I just want to hold your hand and go on.

I really don't know what I'm waiting for, but the ending is clear.

A life without lovelorn love is an incomplete life.

A heart with a big fist can't bear so much.

Turn off the light and leave me alone. I count my thoughts, so many.

I love you forever.

Only after the injury did I understand that happiness comes and goes quickly.

I'm too busy to know what to do.

I treat you like a human being, but you bark like a dog?

Life is death!

Ferment pain with mood and make happy steamed bread!

One fell into a limp, then turned around and flashed back.

When I close my eyes, I seem to see my future.

Say Buddhist scriptures three hundred times a day, and the beauty of money will be recorded!

You put bricks on the toilet, you push yourself too high.