Indian oil is funny.

Introduction: I was playing games in an Internet cafe on a rest day, and my friend called and said that I was making up lessons at the teacher's house. I shouted: stationmaster, bring a pack of cigarettes. After a while, my wife called, but the little boy shouted: 2 18 check out! Come here, uncle. Promise me you won't hit you.

1, a woman who lost weight successfully was interviewed by a reporter. The reporter asked her, "When did you make up your mind to lose weight?" The lady said, "When I fainted." The reporter said: "I think my health is problematic." The lady shook her head and said, "It was at that time that several strong men shouted,' One, two, three, get up!'" "

2. My four-year-old nephew went to kindergarten, but he was skinned. Her mother usually picks him up. One day, he picked him up normally. On the way back, he was skinned again Sister-in-law threw her schoolbag on the ground and left without listening. The little nephew came running and shouted loudly, you prodigal bitch, this was bought with money ~ ~

When I was a child, I was often beaten by my father, especially slapping my face with slippers. One day in the classroom, a classmate saw me and greeted me: Are there any new slippers at home? I said, how do you know? He said: the shoe print on your face is different from yesterday!

4. A couple quarreled at home, and the wife pointed to a handsome guy outside the door and said to her husband, "What's wrong with me? What do you want with him? " Husband: "Can you blame me? Every time I ask for it, you either say you are tired or you are not interested, so I am forced to look for him ... "The handsome guy outside the door is unhappy:" Would you please sign your inflatable doll quickly? I have to hurry to deliver the goods! "

I asked my friend, "What would you do if your wife punished you for kneeling on the washboard?" He stared into the distance and said, "I used to be afraid of my wife, just like you." Kneel down and rub the washboard when you make a mistake. Later, I was cruel, and I have never knelt down again until today. " I asked, "What method was used?" He didn't speak and left silently in a wheelchair.

6, girlfriend coquetry "Husband, can you say that I" I "Your greatest advantage is that you can keep the house" "What do you think?" "The latest survey of Du Niang shows that the bigger the chest, the more defeated it is."

7. When I was in high school, I walked around the school at noon one day and went downstairs to the principal's dormitory to see a boy smoking and a girl standing next to him. At this time, the headmaster came down, saw the boy smoking, and educated him: "Little classmate, smoking is harmful to health." Then the girl echoed: "well, principal, please help me educate him quickly, I can't control him."

8. Xiaoming: Teacher, which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Teacher: I don't know. Do you know that?/You know what? Do you know that?/You know what? Xiao Ming: I know. Teacher: Oh, what do you say? Xiaoming: Chicken comes first. Teacher: How did the first chicken come from? Xiaoming: "Life forces me …" Teacher: "Get out …"

I was bitten by a mosquito last night. I went to the night market tonight and saw a stall that seemed to sell toilet water. I went up and asked the stall owner, "Can I use it for one night?" . The stall owner gave me a strange look and replied inexplicably: "It depends on personal physique, not everyone can insist!" " ".I'm very surprised. I picked up a bottle and looked at it carefully. I copied it! Indian oil!

10, Teacher: All the students I named below can get the 200 yuan Scholarship. With a bang, Xiao Ming flew directly to the teacher with a book. The teacher shouted angrily, Wang Xiaoming. Xiao Ming got up and spread out his hand and said, Teacher, where is my scholarship? Teacher: Get out!

1 1. I asked the master to touch my bones and tell my fortune. He touched it for a long time and his expression became more and more serious. I asked cautiously, have you come up with any ideas? The master replied: rare! I've been wandering the rivers and lakes for decades, and I met someone like you for the first time. I'm more and more worried: what's going on? He shook his head: I can't touch the bones at all, they are all meat!

12, a buddy of mine called me: Brother, do you have money? Give me some, I have no money to eat. Me: Yes, how much should I call you? He said, call 98. I have to withdraw two dollars from it. Me: ...

13, I had a fight with my classmate, and made an appointment. The other party found more than 30 people, so I had to call my brother. My brother drove a broken car and got off to find each other. They slapped him in the face and kicked him down. Then he came up to me and said, "Why did you find a lot of people?" I said, "No, he found all this." Then I saw my brother's face was blue.

14, hair space: My wife is pregnant, so happy! Netizen: Do you have a wife? B Netizen: A man or a woman? C Netizen: Will inflatable dolls be pregnant? D User: Are you sure the baby is yours? Friends are gone, real friends are gone!

15, young man: "Master, why do I leave every blind date without saying a few words?" The master didn't look away, just hid his face and didn't speak. The young man suddenly realized, "Does that mean I should be a quiet handsome man?" The master said, "Shit, you stay away from me!"

16, best friend: I found that the longer I grow, the more potential I have to rely on my face to eat. Xiaofeng: Really? Girlfriend: Really, just visit the ATM more if you have nothing to do. Maybe ... whoa ... whoa, vomit.

17. Now there is a popular sentence on the Internet: Why do crabs walk sideways and need pliers to "make money"? Then the question comes: Do you know why shrimp walks sideways without pliers? "Why?" Because he is blind. ...

18, Teacher: Please make a sentence with "from childhood". Xiao Ming: You can tell whether it is a boy or a girl from the posture of defecation. Teacher: Idiot, then make another sentence with "urine". Xiao Ming: You can tell what cup you are by the size of the teacher's chest. Teacher: Get out.

19. When a girl has no money, 90% of the boys will choose to make money to support her. When boys have no money, 90% of girls will choose to leave ... When boys are infertile, girls will choose not to have children or adopt; When girls can't have children, boys will choose divorce. ...

20. In the hospital, the doctor is asking a patient with a black face and a broken leg and foot, saying that he is snoring! Snoring can also be done? The man who carried him said that he snored under someone else's bed in the middle of the night.

2 1, time is a butcher knife, remember to go to ktv, you are definitely a bully every time. Not now. I can't sing with my brothers. My sister next to me gives me a word from time to time, brother, sing a song and don't touch me all the time.

22. I often see a couple of college students eating a bucket of instant noodles with a fork in the canteen, which is very loving. Later, the envious couple broke up. I asked my male classmate why, and the male comrade said, "She always eats a bucket of noodles with me, and I really can't get enough." ...

23. "Don't be afraid of being seen if you dare to wear low-cut clothes. I am not blind, but it is normal. There are so many men in the street who don't look at you! " Bang! ! "You, B, what's there to see?"

24. A friend is so fat that his stomach is full of fat. She went for a massage that day, and the technician burst into tears. Just when she was at a loss, the technician suddenly took her hand and looked at her with sincere eyes and said, "You made me feel like a professional counterpart for the first time since I graduated from pastry school."

25. Mom took out a piece of paper today, sat down and said to me seriously, "Son, this is the contract you signed with me." "The contract? What contract? " "You promised to get married before the age of 26 and let me have grandchildren before the age of 28, otherwise you will return all the tuition fees of your school to me and cut off all subsidies." "Mom, when did I sign such a retarded contract?" "At the age of five"

26. Last weekend, I had a quarrel with my wife because I was going out for dinner. I want to eat delicious food, and my wife wants to eat hot pot. I've been arguing. Later, my wife said: You don't want to guess coins, just guess! I thought about it: OK. The wife took out a coin and asked, how many years have passed …

27. My sister-in-law visited, and her husband forgot to zip his pants after entering the bathroom. When the daughter-in-law saw it, she gently reminded: "Why don't you close the door?" My husband turned to look at the bathroom and explained, "I'm afraid it's inconvenient for my sister-in-law. I'll drive!" " "

28. After a wife is pregnant and gives birth to a child, her weight becomes a top secret. Facing my wife's protruding figure, my curiosity to explore the truth is getting heavier and heavier. One day while boating in the park, I suddenly had a brainwave and drew a mark on the waterline of the boat. My wife asked me what I was doing, and I smiled mysteriously: "Dear, do you remember the story of the elephant in Cao Chong?"

29. Lele goes to kindergarten middle class. Recently, he always likes to provoke the girls in his class, and sometimes his methods are extremely dirty. Yesterday, the teacher took Lele to the office and severely reprimanded him: "If you dare to molest the little girl in the class again, I will go to your father's house and let him discipline you well!" Lele listened and seriously reminded: "Aunt, you can't find my father until my mother is at home!" " ""why? " The teacher asked in confusion. Lele explained lightly: "As long as my mother is not at home, my father treats the nanny as I treat girls. I'm afraid he will touch you, too! "

30. Children usually cry and shout, "I don't want an injection" or call for help. Last week, I took my little nephew to the hospital for an injection. As soon as the doctor grabbed his arm, I heard my nephew shouting, "Let me go, you have the wrong person, let me go ..."

Editor's note: I went back to see the junior high school teacher. The teacher is drinking alone. We asked what happened. The teacher cried like a child. The three naughty students with the worst grades in the class in those years, one was a section chief in the Education Bureau, one was a principal in their school, and the other opened an Internet cafe. Now they are worth tens of millions. The teacher said, I don't know how to teach students.

Excerpt from 60 sentences in which stress is everywhere in life

Stress is everywhere in life. 1 1. Restrain your temper and be silent occasionally, because impulse will do irreparable things.

2. It's hard for people to live all their lives, and they want to live smartly. Why is it so hot? My heart seems to be angry. Think about it, or have a drink with friends. Have a cool summer.

3. Too much love drowns out all hate. It turns out that if you are sentimental, you will be miserable. Sucked up the sadness of others, and I slowly shed tears in silence.

Under the heavy pressure, silver flowers gushed from the fountain.

5. Everything depends on human effort, that is to say, if you want to find someone, you must find the right person; Too many people can't do it, too few people can't do it; Do different things and find different people. Now, I have made myself clear.

6. If you don't get the money in the future, your wife will scold you for being worthless, or you will elope with a rich man. When your son grows up, he will think you are a coward.

7. Learning to appreciate yourself is equivalent to having the golden key to happiness. Appreciate that you are not narcissistic, appreciate that you are not self-centered, appreciate that you are not narcissistic, appreciate that you are not complacent … Give yourself a little confidence, give yourself a little happiness, and give yourself a smile. Why worry about unhappy life?

The situation of the enterprise is very complicated, and a strong man should have the courage and determination to break his arm. It is precisely because of this that it reduces a lot of pressure and drag on him, making him more powerful and looking for better development opportunities.

9. In the process of transformation, we learned to meditate, repent and thrive! So for us who are shelling, we must first learn to bear this painful process, then enjoy it and finally die.

10. Success is not so much a cup of sweet wine as a cup of bitter wine, which is the bitter juice of many failures.

Competition, you are a silent and passionate music! I think: as long as you study hard, you can play magnificent music on the competitive stage.

12. Busy and nervous will bring high work mood; Only when you concentrate on your work can you produce high efficiency.

13. Men, learn to understand how to survive under pressure. Only under pressure can you keep your eyes on the set goals and work hard until you succeed. How can you succeed without pressure? ! Only when there are dangerous peaks can we climb, only when there is pressure can we rise, only when there are difficulties can we break through, and only when there are storms can we fight!

14. Learn to think, have a clear mind, understand your own smallness, and avoid narcissism. Don't be strong in everything, because it is not as strong as you think!

15. Only successful people can truly realize the value they pursue.

16. Never worry about what happened and what didn't happen. It's no use worrying about what has happened, and what hasn't happened can't be inferred by subjective speculation, it will only increase your troubles.

17. A first-class player has no opponent in his eyes, so I often say that I have no opponent because I have no opponent in my heart. If you have an enemy in your heart, the world is your enemy; Invincible in the heart and invincible in the world.

18. A real man can face it calmly and remain calm when he is under pressure or experiencing glory; Face the ups and downs in life with a normal heart, and meet the flowers and plants in life with a normal heart.

19. When you were born, you were crying and people around you were laughing. When you died, you were laughing and everyone around you was crying! Everything is reincarnation! ! ! ! We are all in samsara!

20. The most fragile thing in this world is life, and good health is very important.

Stress is everywhere in life. Life makes us understand what we can't understand in books. It makes us understand the meaning of our existence. Different places will hone different people, which makes us change everything!

22. A pioneer's life is bound to have a record of failure. However, with indomitable fighting spirit, they can finally get what they want and sing the song of triumph.

23. Nothing is the inevitable destination of muddling along.

24. Where there is a dream, hope is not far away. Stress has an end, and life has no end. Let the pressure turn into colorful clouds on the horizon and be blown away by the wind. Happiness belongs to me. My happiness is my decision.

25. A lucky man basks in the sun during the day and looks at the stars at night. As an unlucky person like me, when I am in the sun, my eyes are full of stars.

What I care about is what I can do today, what I can do this month and what I can do this year. After this year, I basically don't care. I seldom do things that bring me great pressure, and I'm afraid I can't do it.

27. There is no perfect thing and no perfect person. The key is to know what you want. If you get what you want, you will definitely lose another part. If you want everything, you will get nothing.

28. When you feel that your life is very depressed and extremely stressful, you should think like this: Heaven will have a great responsibility to me, and you must first feel depressed and extremely stressful about your life. Then you will feel that you are not an ordinary person. You are the one sent by God to save us ordinary people.

29. If you face life, you must face failure. In the face of failure, we should cherish it. This is a test of our life. As long as you calm down, find out the cause of failure and overcome it, you will find that failure is not a bad thing, but it can make success more meaningful and a step closer.

30. The whole work is like a huge pressure cooker at present. If you don't decompress, it will explode sooner or later! Today, you can relieve stress by harassing your work with a text message. Don't be angry. You should be honored for saving my life.

3 1. Only by daring to face the competition can we fully display our own strength, overcome ourselves, forge ahead courageously towards our own shortcomings and show the hope of victory.

32. Your efforts may be laughed at by some people; Your insistence may not be understood by anyone. In others' eyes, you may be a clown, but in your own heart, you are a king! Be your own king, supreme! Come on!

33. A firm belief can win the hearts of the strong and make them stronger.

34. If someone makes fun of me or suspects me, it will be my motivation to surpass myself.

35. The fountain is beautiful because the water has pressure. The waterfall is spectacular because there is a drop of water. Human growth and progress are the same. Without pressure, human potential cannot be developed and wisdom cannot bloom. The biggest loss is themselves. Give yourself a little pressure once in a while and let yourself bloom at the right time. You will find that you are actually excellent and extraordinary.

36. Diamonds-People often envy your bright colors, but who knows that this kind of "pure carbon" has stood the test of high temperature and high pressure for thousands of years in the deep crust.

37. Incandescent lamps emit flames because of obstacles.

38. A timid human body will never feel the thrilling charm of competition and the thrill of adventure; Timid people regard adventure as a taboo in life. In fact, not daring to take risks is the biggest trouble in life.

39. Many times, I feel very tired; There are also many times when I really want to close my eyes and never open them again. Maybe, then I won't feel tired, and I won't have the pressure of life.

40. There is no great cause without great difficulties.

Stress is everywhere in life. I have completely understood. Maybe I put too much pressure on you. I know you are also very bitter and tired. Some things, you have your difficulties, your difficulties.

42. People should dig for success in failure and gain insight into setbacks in the process of striving for success.

43. After graduation, I earn a meager salary every month, and after paying the rent, there is not much left. Work overtime until early morning every day, and have dinner for breakfast. The dream I thought when I was young and frivolous can only be a dream, and then it is gone.

44. They don't feel pressure because of our demands, but put pressure on themselves.

45. The wind sends the sound of water to the pillow. I suggest you reduce the pressure. Putting down the pressure to participate in the scriptures can avoid the difficulties of Fuji employees. Life is a hundred years, happiness is the truth. Send text messages to wish friends a long life without stress.

46. Your present efforts, hard work, pressure and everything you bear are all aimed at saving enough ability and capital to do what you like better and strive for the right to choose for yourself.

47. When you are expected to show a kind of confidence: "This is my work, how about it!" This is what people expect you to say. However, I often say, "I'm in big trouble!" " "Then I began to feel the pressure of accumulation in front. The truth is, I prefer to hide under rocks until all my passions calm down.

48. The secret of all success lies in unremitting pursuit, which is as indispensable as the blood of life and the sunshine of everything.

49. The ancients said: those who mess with my heart will suffer today. Sadness comes from the heart, and happiness comes from the heart. Think of stress as motivation, relaxation and happiness. Look down on thousands of things, happiness can not be abandoned by the heart.

50. When you are sick, you begin to do everything you imagine, such as walking, soaking your feet, nourishing your stomach and sitting still ... Maybe you can enjoy these things only by spelling out a disease in a fast-paced life.

5 1. Work is not easy. You must always work hard. You must study everything. Everyone has to build relationships. It's not easy to have twists and turns. Every day is competition. The pressure is great, it doesn't matter, you can relieve the pressure every day, just be happy!

52. Don't be too happy about winning because of other people's mistakes.

53. Individuals must lead others to perfection, and constantly strive to expand and increase their own progress in this respect.

54. Regret is an emotion that enervates the spirit. Regret is a bigger loss than loss and a bigger mistake than mistake, so don't regret it. Happy birthday to me.

Before starting a business, you should not regard many difficulties as difficulties. When they suddenly become your difficulties, many people can't stand the pressure and give up. Such a person will certainly not succeed.

56. Simple greetings, clear and refreshing friendship. My blessing is wrapped around you, greetings occupy your heart, happiness is with you, and I wish you a sweet smile and a wonderful life every day.

57. We know how to give up on the road of life, and we are very happy. In the journey of life, we have been looking for it, but we have neglected the scenery in front of us. In fact, beauty is deeply hidden in the years. Lilacs in spring, drizzle in summer, fallen leaves in autumn and snowflakes in winter are all beautiful.

58. Expect to be nurtured in exploration and accumulate success in knocking. Happiness matures in hard struggle.

59. Stress is not terrible. Drink some wine to relieve fatigue. If you are under pressure, don't be afraid, talk to me privately; Really can't. And she, I can't go shopping with her and spend money. I can't help decompression.

60. When you are stressed, think about what inspired you to start. When there is no direction, it is better to stop and look around. When you reach the limit, try again. After that, it's over. If it really doesn't work, just tell yourself. I tried my best. Don't embarrass yourself.

Looking back suddenly, I feel lonely everywhere.

1. Some people will be engraved in their memories forever. Even if they forget his voice, his smile and his face, the feeling when they think of him will never change.

You will never see me when I am loneliest, because I am loneliest only when you are not by my side.

3. Memory is like water poured in the palm of your hand. Whether you open it or hold it tightly, it will still flow through your fingers drop by drop.

I am stubborn and unwilling to give in, but I am just scarred. I am touched by the sky, but I can't touch you!

If you are not a lifelong person, don't talk for a lifetime.

6. I also want to be an elegant lady. It was life that turned my mother into a bitch.

God, I will never call you grandpa again, because you don't love my grandson at all.

8. Even in my dream, I will dream of you. What have I done to offend you?

9. There is always someone whose short message can make you smile immediately.

10, the person who hurts you is either stronger than you or weaker than you. If he is weaker than you, forgive him; If he is better than you, forgive yourself.

1 1, I can hear your footsteps from 1000 people who pass by me, because the feet of those 999 people are stepping on the ground, and only your footsteps are stepping on my heart.

12, if you can't get what you love, love what you get.

13. Loving someone is when you suddenly don't know what to say when you dial the phone. It turns out that you just want to hear the familiar voice. What you really want to dial is just a string in your heart.

14. Life is like a cup. When the glass is full, you have to give others half. If the glass is full, give half again. Only by constantly going in and out, this cup will be full of running water and valuable.

15, the beginning of love may be friendship, use, deception, need or loneliness, or even revenge, but what does it matter? As long as the final result is to evolve into love.

16, the taste of missing someone is like drinking a glass of cold water and then condensing into tears drop by drop. Memories often open up sweetness and bitterness in dim lights and become the most beautiful scenery. Old beauty cannot be destroyed in metabolism.

17, the older you get, the more you worry. 1G has 2G troubles in his heart.

18, some people's relationships have changed, but the remarks have not been changed.

19, suddenly turned around and found that no one wanted to chat.

20. My advantage: I have the courage to admit my mistakes; Disadvantages: resolutely do not change.

2 1, please cherish the people around you who love you silently. Maybe, one day he really left. You will find that it is you, not him, who can't live without each other.

22. The most beautiful girl in memory will be gradually taken away by time …

23. I love you beyond the boundaries, so I will be scarred when I leave …

24. If someone really wants to be a part of your life, then he will definitely work hard for it.

25. Do you also hate the embarrassing moment when you can't find something to say? But strangely, when I'm with my best friend, I don't feel uncomfortable even if I don't talk.

Sad and beautiful love holds the air tight when it comes to thinking about it. I am everywhere.

1. When we hit a wall everywhere in the dark, we must have the ability to turn tears into knowledge. Only in this way can we distinguish talents.

2. Choose what you love and love what you choose. The first four words are the first half of life, and the last four words are the remaining years.

If I still can't get your love after all my efforts, then I will give my heart to you and go.

4. Actually, I am very tired. I am used to pretending to be strong and facing everything alone. I don't know what I want. Sometimes we can chat happily with you, or we can be presumptuous, but no one knows it's just a disguise, a deliberate disguise; I can make myself happy, but I can't find the source of happiness, just giggle.

There are many things in a person's life that can't be given up. Only love can let go. I just found out. So many people have already left. Some people, unconsciously, their feelings fade. The saddest thing in the world is that the person you love deeply is attached to another person with the same affection.

6. It is said that acacia is not sad, why are the ends of the earth not together? At that time, I was extremely clever, difficult to understand fate, too late to regret, and it was difficult to return to acacia. I hope that the Millennium will eventually turn to dust. Don't look back, it will always be a flashy dream, and the ancient songs are still heartbroken. Where is the desolation? When the world of mortals fell, it was different, difficult to understand, but unforgettable. Tears seep into your clothes, and you think most. If you are young and frivolous, you will get hurt. What's wrong with tasting strangers with tears?

7. You don't know how good that person is to you until one day no one treats you as well as him. Some mistakes can be turned back, others can't, and everyone has to pay the price for his willfulness. naughty

8. Sometimes, I feel my heart is dead, but it often hurts. Sometimes, I feel that love has long been barren, but I often cry. Sometimes, I feel that I have no direction, but I still look for an exit in my dreams. Sometimes, I feel that I have put everything down, but I still can't find my way home. Sometimes, I feel that my heart has been quiet, but I still make waves in a certain chapter of the story. Sometimes, I feel that I have been guarding happiness, but I still feel desperate in the past.

9. The reason why I am alive is no longer because of you.

Secret love is a solo dance. Although I can't dance, I have tasted loneliness.

1 1. If you miss me, just hold your breath. I am everywhere.

12, memory, deep into the bone marrow, accompanied by pain, is constantly clamoring in my life.

13, low-key, between trade-offs, there must be gains and losses. Life can be painful, but you should also know how to pursue happiness. Appreciating others is actually less picky and more trusting; More enthusiasm, less indifference; Look up more and despise less. With more appreciation, there will be fewer contradictions and misunderstandings, and people will be closer.

14, two days before Qixi is my 23rd birthday. I waited for you for a long time this day. As long as you send me a short message, I am willing to stay with you at all costs. But you didn't get up in the morning and didn't receive any blessings from you before going to bed at night. Only friends and family kept wishing me a happy birthday.

15, when the cold in winter gradually recedes, there is still a chill in the boundless heart, as if you can touch your figure at a glance, and then, it will hurt the dusty nightmare inside and get a silent sigh.

16 is there anyone who is always uncomfortable like me for no reason? I can't give a reasonable reason if I ask others.

17, the most painful thing is not no choice, but no choice.

18, no matter how beautiful a woman is, it is only an accessory of a man.

19, it's not that I'm not moving forward, but I always feel that we're not finished yet.

20. Do you know? All the good things in the past are gone.

2 1, you always bow to him. You think this is love, but in fact you can only be a kneeling handmaiden.

If you can endure cruel ridicule, you should have a bright future.

23. When you smile, the whole world smiles at you.

24. Forever is too far, we can't afford it. Times have changed, and nothing has ever happened.

In life, it is really good that some people can make you smile even when they are not around.

I hope fireflies will only shine for you all their lives.

27. When tears begin to be outlined as regrets, memories are accompanied by exaggerated sadness.

28. Why should you let yourself suffer so much sadness and resentment?

In fact, I cry every day when I go home, just don't say it.

30. Two people are not so lucky. It's just that others are trying, and you pretend not to see it.