What will happen to children who grow up in families without love?

When it comes to family background, there seem to be two completely different views:

Next, let me talk about my point of view:

A family without love can not only cultivate children who are inferior, indifferent and incapable of love, but also cultivate children who are full of enthusiasm, self-esteem and love others.

Being born into a family is a watershed.

Some people are trapped in chains because of the resentment of their families, and they have devoted their lives to it.

But some people, with their own efforts, erased the bad brand and won back what their families owed them.

There is a relative's little girl named Xiaoxi.

On one occasion, she was playing alone on the beach, accidentally fell down and her lips were bleeding.

Xima's black face was first scolded and pushed, and she was asked to gargle, and then watermelon frost was sprayed.

The injured child was obviously dissatisfied with his mother's roar, crying "no" and asking his father for help.

Sima suddenly became furious and forced the child away, and the two locked themselves in the room. Then, there were hysterical bawls, slaps and children crying.

Later, the child escaped and ran to his father in tears.

"Stream, I don't want you to do this, you go!" Sima stood by the door gnashing her teeth. The little girl trembled with fear, hugged her father and cried, followed by her mother, who continued to slap her face. ...

After the chicken flew and the dog jumped, it was calm. The four-and-a-half-year-old girl hugged her mother tightly: "Mom, you are so beautiful, Mom, I am obedient." Xima is quite proud.

In my opinion, this is sad. If it were me, the child would be comforted first when he came back from injury. I will tell him, "I think you must be in pain. My mother is so distressed." Then tell him to rinse his mouth and clean the wound to avoid infection.

After the treatment, we recalled how he was injured together and instructed him how to protect himself carefully in the future.

Sima raised her eyebrows and said, "It's no use. She is just like her father. If you don't listen to what you say, you must be scared. She has been like this since she was a child. If the wound is not treated immediately, she will have a fever the next day and can't fight. "

I shut up with a smile. There are three things in the world: your own business, others' business and God's business. We have different ideas, so we don't have to be forced.

What kind of family does this mother come from?

According to the old people, all midwives delivered babies in rural areas in those days, and it was difficult for her mother to produce them. But strangely, the mother who had a narrow escape saw her at that moment. She didn't cry with joy or sadness, but said coldly, "No, throw it away!" "

Her grandmother wouldn't give up, so she took it back and kept it beside her. However, this episode at birth is constantly being mentioned. She has heard of it since she was a child, which should be inevitable.

She has an extremely strong and violent mother who complains and scolds her children. She dropped out of primary school before she graduated. She said, "I can't learn. I just want to grow up and leave this home."

She fled as a teenager, went out to work, made a boyfriend, got married at the age of 20, and gave birth to a child early. However, life is not getting better. I always hear her complain that her husband is useless and won't make money. Later, husband and wife quarreled more and more frequently until they had a big fight.

She was only 26 years old in the year of divorce, and I tried to help her try another way of life-the road of self-reliance. I began to teach her simple computer typing and found her a job in the city. As a result, she came back after only one day's work.

She still pinned her hopes for life on a man. She was in a hurry to go on a blind date and married her husband a few months later. This gentleman is very patient. We think she might be happy?

But a few years later, life is still a chicken feather. Because of the resentment of her family background, she was trapped in chains and eventually became what she hated most, but she didn't know it.

You ran so far just to get rid of the burden of nostalgia. When you came back from the expedition, your ship was full of regrets.

-Ilota Vino, the invisible city

In fact, solving the problem is far more meaningful than investigating the responsibility. Family of origin owes you. You have to learn to get it back yourself. This is responsible for yourself.

Ada Choi has a gambling mother who has been regarded as a tool to make money since she made her debut through Miss Hongkong. She also complained about the unfair fate, but she worked hard all the time and later married Max Zhang, leading an enviable life.

Ray Ma lost his mother when he was 5 years old, his father ran away from home, and his brother was taken away by his creditors. He dropped out of school because he couldn't pay 3 yuan, and he suffered countless hardships by herding sheep and pulling dung on the plate. However, after becoming famous, when his father appeared in front of him again, he chose to forgive.

Psychology says: Only by acknowledging the pain brought by family background, facing it squarely and accepting it can we reconcile with the past. Reconciliation with the family of origin, reconciliation with parents, and finally reconciliation with yourself, so that you are no longer injured.

There is such a line in "Everything is OK", which is impressive-

You can choose not to forgive or let go.

What kind of family will raise a loveless child?

As long as children can't get the care of their parents, they will lack love in their hearts.

Bad families-neglect, violence, abuse ... children must lack love;

Even if it is a good family full of love on the surface, if parents' efforts can't keep up with children's needs, children may still lack love:

1. Some parents make money desperately, thinking that they can give their children the best life and spend a lot of money to send their children to the best school. This is love. However, because they are busy with their careers and lack effective companionship, the hole in their hearts is getting bigger and bigger, which even affects their values: money is paramount!

How does a loveless child behave?

1. Children who lack love in childhood are looking for a sense of security all their lives.

Some people pin their hopes on others and constantly taste the taste of disappointment, thus becoming more and more insecure;

Some people build their sense of security on the material basis, but they can't fill the gap of their inner desires;

Some people have become their own protection through their own continuous efforts.

2. Most children who lack love in childhood feel inferior, unable to accept their true selves, and subconsciously feel that they are not worthy of being loved.

They always demand themselves and constantly strive to improve themselves. However, even though they are already excellent, she still feels that she is not good enough. I long to be loved, but I am afraid that love will not last long.

As a result, constantly testing people around you has unconsciously evolved into a desire for control, self-torture, and other torture, often pushing happiness further by hand.

Children who lack love in childhood always please everyone and dare not express their true self.

People who lose themselves and have no personality are often unreal, lifeless, unlovable and unhappy.

Don't let children repeat the detours they have taken!

Recently, I watched the movie "The River of Sorrow", which was quite worrying.

In the film, the mother struggles with no dignity for survival and children's tuition. The hard life made her extremely irritable. The only daughter was called "losing money" by her. Time and time again, when her daughter encouraged her to ask for help, she cut off the "communication channel".

As a result, the adolescent girl went to the hospital alone in fear, and when she learned the test results, she burst into tears. She is self-abased, sensitive and afraid that others will know her illness. In the end, she chose to commit suicide. ...

If the mother could care more, scold less and not "push her out", the girl's life would be rewritten and some injuries could have been avoided.

"Bitter for a long time, I don't know what is sweet. Cactus will not bloom, and people can't hold it in their hands. "

"Sorrow is like a big river. It may engulf you, but it may also take you far away from your dreams."

As parents, constant cognition and self-repair is to create a better family for children.

Consciousness can help us avoid complaining about fate and parents, but look at ourselves: what have I done to cause everything now?

The rest is uncontrollable. But we can always control the direction of our actions.

There is no perfect family in the world. We can continue to grow through self-awareness.

We can try not to pass on the brand of family background to our children.

Let the trauma go with me.

I recently wrote a series of articles about family education. One of the most important tasks of family education is to make children feel safe. The unconditional love of parents is the premise for children to form a sense of security. It is difficult for children who grow up without love to establish a sense of security.

A child has just arrived in this world, helpless and unable to move, and everything needs the help of his parents. If all his needs, including hunger, warmth, caress and so on, are met in time, then it will be easy for a child to build this world, which is a feeling worthy of relying on. In the absence of a loving family, although children's hunger and warmth will be responded, their psychological needs will not be met, so their psychological needs will be reduced when they grow up, because children's needs in this area are suppressed during their growth, and it is difficult to establish a sense of security.

According to Maslow's summary, insecure people mainly have the following performances:

(1) is easy to feel rejected and rejected;

Because insecure people can't objectively evaluate their own value, they always rely on others' opinions to evaluate themselves, so they attach great importance to others' opinions of themselves. Once others ignore it a little, it is easy to think that others are rejecting themselves. I seldom take the initiative to make friends with strangers for fear of rejection.

(2) often feel left out or discriminated against;

Psychologically fragile and sensitive. Many times, insecure people will over-interpret other people's casual behaviors, mainly from a negative perspective.

(3) often feel threatened and constantly anxious;

The important manifestation of insecurity is that once you encounter uncertain things, you will be overly anxious, unable to solve this uncertain thing, unable to sleep without eating incense, so insecure people are unwilling to leave their familiar environment and their comfort zone because they are afraid of facing the unknown environment.

(4) distrust others and be jealous;

People who have no sense of security will not believe in the world, nor will they believe in others. For those who are better than themselves, they will not study hard to improve themselves, but will be jealous and increase their pain.

(5) Too pessimistic, a little thing will cause doubts about the world;

When a glass of water is half full, pessimists always see the empty half and optimists see the full half.

(6) I often feel nervous and tired, which leads to poor sleep and frequent nightmares;

Because of the lack of security, I am full of vigilance against the world. When a person's nerves are in a state of tension for a long time, it is difficult for them to relax, and people will naturally feel tired. The resulting problems such as poor sleep and frequent nightmares will further aggravate the problem of nervous tension. In this way, a vicious circle is formed, people will get more and more tired, and eventually there will be neurasthenia or mental problems.

(7) Too self-reproach and sensitivity, and pushing many mistakes that are not your responsibility on yourself;

Because we can't objectively evaluate ourselves and things, when things go wrong, insecure people always think it's their own fault, which is in sharp contrast with those who blame others for the problems.

(8) There is a general sense of guilt and shyness;

The main reason is that I am too sensitive to evaluate myself objectively. I always blame myself when I encounter things and feel very shy.

(9) It is difficult to form a stable friendship with people;

Insecure people don't love others or even themselves. It is difficult for them to form a long-term and stable relationship with others, and so is the relationship between husband and wife.

(10) Will not actively express their feelings to parents, lovers, children or close friends;

Shut yourself in a closed emotional space. This way, I won't be disappointed because my feelings are not rewarded. Because there is no effort, of course, I will not be disappointed.

For more details, please refer to my family education article:

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Children who grow up in loveless families will have two situations:

It's easy to do catering service when you grow up.

Children are very sensitive. They will observe the emotions, habits and hobbies of adults, and behave appropriately, in line with the ideas of adults. In fact, they just want to get the attention and care of adults.

In Why Home Hurts People, Teacher Wu Zhihong mentioned, "There is a desire in this kind of active dedication-'Please give me a little love' and anger-'I have done so well, but you still don't love me, you are too bad'."

"So, the more indifferent parents are to their children, the more likely they are to grow into a pander."

So in the hit drama "Everything is OK", Su Mingyu seems to be a knife mouth and a tofu heart. In fact, among the three children, she is the most filial to her father.

This happens all the time. The child who is least annoying when he is a child is the most filial when he grows up. This is the case.

Lack of passion for life

Because, whether they study hard or work hard, they are not from the heart, but to meet the expectations of their parents and family. This deliberate effort is a compulsive effort. However, they are not enthusiastic about the results of their efforts, such as good grades and other rewards.

This kind of children, obedient at home, have a good relationship with their classmates at school, can handle everything by themselves, and easily make their parents proud. However, you always feel that he seems to be "missing something". In fact, what he may lack is the passion for life, the desire and motivation for life.

What will happen to children who grow up in families without love? The need for love is the nature of all mankind. Generally speaking, if a child lacks love, he will spend his whole life looking for love. Then such a situation, a little better for others, will be particularly moved and particularly loyal to this object. For example, in marriage, such a woman is particularly easy to fall in love with a man who cares about her a little, and once she falls in love, it is difficult to turn back, because this feeling is too important to her and she is too afraid of losing it. So, in this case, if she meets an irresponsible man, she will have a hard time. Similarly, she will not deal with interpersonal relationships, because without a healthy early attachment relationship, her interpersonal relationships will be very difficult, including the relationship between husband and wife and parent-child relationship after marriage.

So, there are also some changes. Generally speaking, there are still many problems.

I'm Chen Jian, a national registered psychological counselor and a second-level psychological counselor, focusing on counseling in marriage and parenting education. Wechat official account: fishing for the soul.

Children who grow up in a loveless family, if their parents don't guide them well, will grow up without love as the family they grew up in, and most of them will be vulnerable inside! On the contrary, if a person sets an example, is good at communicating with others, understands, understands and supports a child, the child will grow up healthily.

I just finished writing an article about my family background. I grew up without love.

Let's start with my family members, me, my father, my mother and my sister. Yes, it was because of my sister's birth that I became very insecure. According to my mother, I was arrogant when I was a child, but why I have become a "good person" in the eyes of relatives and friends can only be explained by "pleasing my parents since childhood".

Why please your parents? Because my position is in jeopardy, I can't imagine how disappointed my parents will be if I don't obey. This is what scares me most. I'm afraid they don't like me even more.

All my warm memories of my mother are when I was very young, before my sister was born. I think I should also be the baby of my parents at that time. This is also the biggest reason why I chose to reconcile with my parents and the neglected past after I got married and had children.

Let's talk about my biggest weakness when I grow up.

1, be swayed by considerations of gain and loss and feel insecure. I want to ask, does my husband love me every day? If I think he is indifferent to me, I will make up dozens of gossip stories in my mind. I know all the truth in my heart, and I always tell myself to be stronger and love myself more, but I just can't, as if the meaning of my existence is to prove that I am loved.

I am willing to spend money for others, but I am reluctant to give it to myself. This is also typical of not loving yourself. I just hope that everyone around me will have a good life and I will feel like a "good person". I will care about others' opinions and forget how I should live for myself.

3. Don't know how to refuse others. This is my biggest trouble. Sometimes when someone asks you to do something, I don't want to do it, but I'm afraid that refusing it will affect my good impression in others' minds.

I have seen many people say that children who grow up like this will be negative and will not trust others. I don't know if I am a special case, because I am optimistic and will always believe that there are more good people than bad people in this world. Although I didn't grow up being cared for, it doesn't affect me to become a socialist successor with a correct outlook on life.

Finally, I want to say that it may be wrong to come from a family, but we can't let this mistake be passed down from generation to generation. We should learn to reconcile with ourselves and the past sad experiences, so that our self-discipline and self-improvement can get rid of the brand of those who come from a family.

If a child lacks family care since childhood, he will not know how to love someone, because he has followed your example since he was very young, and he will subconsciously think that this is what people should do.

He will become indifferent to the world, and he will not show concern for others, because he won't, and he doesn't understand. He will become narrow-minded, selfish and even feel inferior and insecure. He will think that all people in this world should be like this. When his heart becomes sensitive and fragile, he may lose his attachment to this world, and he may take extreme actions to retaliate against this society.

If you are a parent, please give your child the warmest care. If you can't love your child wholeheartedly, please don't hurt him, because you are the shadow of his growth in his world. Please be sure to give your child enough love.

Selfish, live very self. The feelings of others, the true feelings of others, can not be accepted correctly. Their attitude towards themselves and life is negative. They always think that they are not worthy of being loved and that they will not be happy, but they repeatedly look for people who know themselves to meet the needs of security and love.

1, if you don't get enough maternal love, the intimate relationship will be very bad.

The relationship between children and mothers is the template for children to establish intimate relationships in the future, because only the relationship between children and mothers is binary, and the participation of fathers will make this relationship diversified. The classical attachment theory in developmental psychology can prove this point.

The above is the attachment pattern formed by children and mothers. Different degrees of love form different attachment patterns, which will enter the individual's subconscious and affect or influence our intimate relationship when we establish it as adults.

If you don't get the care your father deserves, your interpersonal relationship will be very bad.

If the mother-child relationship is a metaphor of family relationship, then the father-son relationship is a metaphor of social relationship. This is not a moral rhetoric of son preference, but a profound discussion from a psychological point of view, because when a child is born, only the mother is attached and trusted. From birth to opening his eyes to see the world, his eyes and psychology will only identify with his mother in behavior and emotion.

On the contrary, with the growth of age, the father will instinctively become the object of children's "refutation" and "attack". This is the famous Oedipus complex, and both men and women will go through this period.

However, with the growth of age, the Oedipus complex will also end, that is, the father's love begins to awaken the child, and the child's world begins to be entered by a third party, so the child's inner world becomes diverse and complicated. As the Tao Te Ching says, everything (children, mothers and fathers) will be born in one's life. At this time, the father's influence on the children will be another template for their interpersonal relationship in adulthood, that is,

The above are the roles played by parents in the process of children's growth, which are applicable to most situations, but nothing is absolute. The theory of psychology, like other disciplines, is a hypothesis. What we do is to keep getting closer to the truth. I hope the above sharing is useful to you.

It is not uncommon to be born in a family! In the process of growing up, children have many opportunities to get support and may encounter many setbacks, but the future of children depends on themselves, not completely passively determined by the environment.