If the child's requirements are not met, he will cry. How to break it?

Whether at work or in life, there is a question that has been asked a lot: "As long as something doesn't depend on children, children will cry and make trouble. What should I do? " In fact, about the baby crying, we should analyze the reasons and methods according to the age.

Baby crying coping series 1 | 0- 1 year-old, crying reasons and coping strategies.

Baby crying coping series 2 | 0- 1 year-old baby crying inexplicably, 7 effective ways to appease.

Baby crying coping series 3 | 1- 1.5 years old, crying reasons and coping methods

Baby crying coping series 4 | 1.5-3 years old, emotional support and boundary observance.

In this article, I intend to share with you the coping methods when the baby cries because it doesn't meet the requirements from a more practical point of view.

As we all know, when the needs are not met, many babies' first reaction is crying, because crying is an important means for them to express their needs and survive from the first day of birth, so crying is a very common and normal reaction when the needs are not met.

However, we also know that as babies get older, they need to express their needs in more appropriate ways, such as using words instead of crying; They need to abide by some boundaries and face some disappointments, such as not liking other people's toys and buying everything. None of these babies are born, and they need to learn and strengthen in practice.

Make a multiple-choice question first:

When the baby must eat cake before meals, you think that eating cake before meals will affect the meal, and you don't want to give it to him, then he lies on the ground and cries. What would you or your family do?

A. I am very tired after a day's work, and my child has a headache from crying. Forget it for him.

B. If you don't give the cake, the child cries distressfully and coaxes him with other toys or promises.

C. If you don't give the cake, the child will cry and have a headache. If you are unhappy, you will scold the child or hit him.

D. If you don't give the cake and don't want to hear the child cry, just walk away and ignore his cry.

E. at first, I didn't give the child a cake, and I didn't coax it with other toys, but I still cried and beat it. After the fight, I couldn't bear to pick up the child and gave him a little cake.

F. I don't want to give cakes, but old people love children and will give them.

I think many mothers choose one or more of them for one reason or another, although they know that each of the above choices is not the best way to deal with it. So what is the correct method?

My suggestions are summarized as follows: set rules; Consistent attitude and clear division of labor; Gentle persistence, appropriate neglect. The first two points are the premise, and the last point is the actual operation when crying.

I once heard a mother ask me, "Dr. Xu, didn't you say that American parents give their children full freedom?" You live in America, why do you ask us to make rules for our children? Will setting rules constrain children's nature? Will it make children feel insecure and have no confidence? "

I don't know where this mother learned that "American parents give their children full freedom", so that she was worried about "children's insecurity and self-confidence" when making rules. However, I can definitely answer: although I have only been in the United States for about five years, all American parents I meet (usually Kochi parents) will set rules and boundaries for their children.

In addition, what I want to say is that "making rules" and "giving children full freedom" are not completely opposite and exclusive. On the contrary, on the basis of setting rules and boundaries, giving children full freedom is what we need to do. A child who lacks any sense of rules, whether in China or the United States, is doomed to hit a wall everywhere.

Moreover, the establishment of rules will not limit children's sense of security and self-confidence. On the contrary, consistent rules will make children understand the causal relationship of events and predict the future, but it will make children feel more certain and safe.

If possible, the formulation of rules should be discussed with children to avoid parents making unilateral decisions. Once the rules are made, they should be consistently adhered to and implemented. Some families do make rules for children, but when children cry, some parents will give in and compromise, so this situation is worse than no rules, because it sends a message to children that rules can be changed in the case of crying, which will strengthen children's crying behavior.

2 Consistent attitude and proper division of labor In dealing with baby crying, all adults in the family need to get together and reach a consensus proposal, and then divide the work appropriately according to each person's characteristics.

For example, grandparents can't stand the baby's crying and can't help but meet the baby's requirements. It is suggested that grandparents temporarily avoid the baby's crying and let the father or mother who can adhere to the rules handle it. This is the case in my family. Sometimes if some requirements are not met, the steamed stuffed bun will cry and make trouble. I'll take care of it. My father will cooperate. The old man will take jiaozi wrapped by his sister to the upstairs room or push her out for a walk and then come back.

When adults disagree or even argue because of different opinions, smart babies can easily understand and use this to achieve their goals. For example, when their mothers are well, they will find that their grandparents spoil them unconditionally when they leave, crying and making various demands.

3 Gentle persistence The so-called "gentle persistence" includes two aspects: emotional support and obedience to the border. Emotional support means being able to have feelings with children, understanding and respecting children's feelings, allowing and accepting children's emotional expression, and observing boundaries means that everything is still in accordance with the rules.

Give an example to illustrate. When a child cries and loses his temper because of some unreasonable requirements (such as eating candy before going to bed), the mother can show understanding of his mood, but she can't meet his requirements. You can say to him, "Mom knows you are sad (or angry, etc.). ), but we have to take a bath now (we have to sleep now, so we can't eat sugar). Cry for a while if you want. Mom is with you. If you need mom's help or hug, come to mom and tell her. "

It not only prevents the mother from losing her temper or ignoring the influence of the child's sense of security when the child is crying, but also abides by the rules of life. At the same time, it also demonstrates how to know her emotions and choose appropriate ways to vent and express them. It should be emphasized that emotional support does not mean "coaxing children not to cry", because coaxing children not to cry will make them learn to cry as a means to intimidate or control their parents. Once their demands are not met, they will cry to ask their parents for other "compensation".

When I went to the kindergarten to pick up buns, I met buns playing with branches in outdoor activities. The teacher disagreed for safety reasons and buns cried. The teacher didn't coax much. The repeated sentence is: "I'm sorry you feel sad, but you can't play" (I'm sorry you are so sad, but you can't play that), which is a small example of "gentle persistence".

Usually, with the consent of the whole family, after this "gentle persistence" is implemented several times, children will obey the rules more and cry less when their demands are not met. Even if you still cry because the requirements are not met, as long as the adults show a "gentle and persistent" attitude, the crying time will usually be significantly shortened, because previous experience tells him: "Mom/Dad is serious, and crying is hopeless." You know, any crying is very laborious. If nothing is achieved, from the perspective of behavioral analysis, this behavior without reinforcement will naturally fade away.

There is a situation that needs special emphasis:

If the child is always satisfied when crying, you must think it over and discuss it with your family before you plan to implement "gentle persistence". Because at the beginning of this method, the child's crying behavior will temporarily escalate. They don't understand or accept that crying can get what they want has changed, so they will escalate crying into a test. If you compromise at this time, then the child will get a message: "Oh, you need to cry more!" " Then from then on, the baby's crying level will escalate.