Criticism that may attract criticism——Comment on Xu Yuanchong’s translation of Ma Zhiyuan’s “Tian Jing Sha·Qiu Si”

I remember that I once wrote an article about Fu Lei’s translation, which attracted criticism from several translators. The person I want to comment on today is another famous person, so I simply wrote the title of the article as "Review that may lead to criticism."

After watching "Chinese Poetry Conference" last night, I went to QQ space for a walk. I accidentally found this poem in a teacher's space. The translator is the famous Mr. Xu Yuanchong. I feel that his translation There is something worth debating. Of course, I am only commenting based on what I know, so I welcome your criticisms and corrections.

Tune: Sunny sand · Qiu Si Ma Zhiyuan (Yuan Dynasty)

Tune: Sunny sand

Autumn Thoughts

Xu Yuanchong (translation)

Over old trees wreathed with rotten vines fly evening crows

Under a small bridge near a cottage a stream flows

On ancient road in the west wind a lean horse goes

The sunset

Westward declines the sun;

Far, far from home is the heartbroken one

To be honest, when I saw this translation, I felt Mr. Xu’s understanding of Ma Zhiyuan’s poem is not thorough enough. Perhaps in the eyes of many people, I, a little-known woman, would criticize a famous person like this, which is simply unreasonable! Dear readers, please put aside your reputation and status, treat knowledge with an objective and serious attitude, and listen to the next one.

1. The word brand name is "Tianjingsha". To be honest, "Tianjingsha" is translated as Sunny Sand. I really don't know the origin of this. Is it because the word "Tianjing" is equivalent to "sunny" and the word "sunny" is used? But how can sand be sunny? It is better to use the pinyin Tian Jing Sha directly, and then add a note after the entire translation to tell everyone that Tian Jing Sha is the name of a music brand. The name of a song is also a name, just like a person's name, you can just call it that way, there is no need to translate it. Perhaps, many people think that it is inappropriate to mix Chinese with English, which makes us look down on ourselves. Why can English characters appear in Chinese text, but Chinese characters cannot appear in English text? Besides, one pinyin in Chinese can represent many words, so writing down the original Chinese name of Qupai can avoid guessing.

2. The translation of "Wither" in "Withered Teng" as "rotten" is questionable. The original meaning of rotten is to rot, not to wither. Moreover, since it is already rotten, how can it get entangled in the tree? Furthermore, this was in autumn, and the vines were only dry, not rotten. Therefore, "withered" is just withered, and it is more appropriate to translate it as "withered".

3. The word "evening" is questionable. The "dusk crow" in the word originally refers to the bird that returns to its nest at dusk. It is not called the dusk crow like the "dusk sparrow". Moreover, the word crow here has another profound meaning. The dusky crow still has its nest in the old tree to return to, but the tourist cannot return home. Therefore, it is not appropriate to place evening directly in front of crowds. You can use home to express the meaning of returning home; the time of returning home is in the evening, and whether the time adverbial "evening" appears or not is secondary.

4. Is "renjia" better translated as a house or as a family? I secretly thought that one family would be better. Seeing other people's families lighting up candles makes the wanderer even more homesick. Both "people" and "hun crow" have different meanings.

5. The word “lean” is inappropriate.

Lean means less fat and more lean meat; thin here implicitly means "thin, thin", and it is more appropriate to use scraggy or emaciated.

As for "Autumn Thoughts", I know it means sad autumn, but it's not easy to translate. Therefore, no comment for the time being.

I feel that Mr. Xu’s interpretation of the original word is somewhat limited to the literal meaning, without understanding the underlying meaning of the word; his use of English words is also limited to the literal meaning, without understanding the underlying meaning. Therefore, the translation has lost its quality as an old man. This is inevitable for everyone. Didn't our ancestors say it long ago, "Everyone can't taste food without eating."

The literal meaning has been discussed above, and now we will talk about the understood meaning.

When it comes to understanding meaning, I feel that it is easier to understand "withered vines, old trees and dim crows, small bridges and flowing water, people's homes". But have you ever thought about whether "the thin horse on the ancient road to the west wind" is the image seen by the traveler, or is it the traveler himself riding the horse? I think the latter is more likely. If it is the former understanding, then this sentence is just a picture seen, and there must be a sense of distance in the emotional resonance; if it is the latter understanding, the horseman is the traveler himself, then the reader will have a deeper sense of empathy. Because, in the former understanding, the imaginary description is of others; in the latter understanding, the imaginary description is of oneself. The crows returning to their nests and the people beside the bridge were all ready to rest and settle down, but I was still jolting on my horse in the howling autumn wind. Comparing the two phases, it is naturally heartbreaking. On the other hand, Mr. Xu’s translation: “Over old trees wreathed with rotten vines fly evening crows” means that crows fly over old trees, but does not highlight the point of crows returning to their nests; “Under a small bridge near a cottage a stream flows”. In one sentence, "flowing water" is regarded as the subject, and the real subject of "people" is ignored; the translation of "On ancient road in the west wind a lean horse goes" is undoubtedly translated with the former understanding. of.

Of course, having said all that, Mr. Xu is an expert after all, and he still has some merits. "When the sun sets in the west, heartbroken people are at the end of the world." The treatment of this sentence is worth learning from all of us.

As usual, after talking about others, you have to show off your own skills.

One translation method uses the original word as a first-person writing method; the other is a translation method that uses the original word as a third-person writing method.

Tian Jing Sha*·Autumn Thoughts

Toward night,

to the?home in an old?treetwinedaround by withered vines,

crows fly

Beside a small bridge over a stream, livesa family

Riding on a scrage?horse,

I?gallop on an ancient post road? in the west wind

Westward

the sun declinesFar, far away?from?home

am I

Withered vines,an old tree, homing?crows

Asmall bridge, a stream, a home

Ascrage horse, the west wind, apost road

Down goes the sun

Far, far away? from homeland is a heartbroken one

* Tian Jing Sha (天清沙), a tune name of qu followed by this poem.

I feel that the sentence in the first translation is too long. The second montage technique retains the original words. Also: why the first translation uses twined instead of wrapped, please let the readers figure it out for themselves.

After the evaluation, wait for the beaks in each position!

? Note: The picture accompanying the article is selected from the work "Old Tree Dusk Crow" by Five Elements Dou on the flicker website #country life, hereby express my thanks!