Who knows the funniest jokes (the more, the better)

1' s colleague asked me: Is Clinton's wife Chirac?

Once I borrowed money from others, and I wanted to say, "I'll pay you back when I get the money."

Say, "I'll take you when I have money."

anxious

A classmate named Yu Jingbo wrote a letter one day, and the doorman of the dormitory shouted at the entrance of the dormitory: A letter of dried cold rice noodles!

Our Chinese teacher: Please turn to 120 yuan.

The whole class is dizzy, and the teacher is nicknamed "money addiction", hehe.

Once a friend watched a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was not good. The friend said, "Why are there so many Marx?" It took a long time to realize that he was referring to Massek!

6 a buddy gets married and gives a red envelope. Dude, say no politely.

I said, that won't do. Once a year, be sure to bring it.

7 junior high school role reading "white-haired girl"

A boy (Yang Bailao): I pulled two Jin of red rope and tied it for my daughter. ...

Teacher: It's not like wrapping a mummy …

When I was cooking, I pointed to cauliflower and said, potatoes.

Aunt asked: cauliflower?

I continued to point to cauliflower and said: potatoes

Aunt asked again: Is it potato or cauliflower?

I quickly said, isn't this a potato ... er, broccoli?

Now that I think about it, it's enough to make people vomit blood. I'm sorry, aunt who sells rice

When I went to buy cakes, I wanted to say "two yellow pears send an egg tower", but the result was "two orioles sing an egg tower"

What is even more depressing is that the owner actually understood. ......

10 University There is a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. The word "Yun" in the lower part of the word "Yun" on the envelope has a horizontal line, which has become a dot because it is too scribbled. As a result, this classmate took the letter and let out a cry, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? There is a letter for you. " All the people in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang. As a result, this girl named Liu Yun was scolded as a hooligan for four years.

1 1 There were rats at home for a while, and my mother bought rat poison to keep the family quiet, but none of them were cured. One morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat poison in the janitor's corner and said to herself, "Why doesn't anyone take this medicine?" ~ ~ ~ "The whole family fainted. . .

12 English teacher teaches grammar. Before class, she asked everyone, "I have finished. Do you still understand? " We replied with one voice: "No!"

Until I raised my glass to ask the bright moon and sank into the water, I suddenly remembered home.

14 once playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so we had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, it was too hot to stand. One man said, "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's too hot." Another man said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle. "

15 as the saying goes: kill and set fire to pay off debts.

In physics class 16, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: radioactive elements are very dangerous, so you humans must stay away! !

17 Spit grape skins if you can't eat grapes.

18 received a phone call at the company, which was promoted by a clothing company and kept saying that it would make uniform clothes for a big company and so on. I grabbed the gap between each other's speeches and blurted out: "Our company is not in dressing the!"

The other party whispered for a few seconds, said "I'm sorry" and hung up.

Teacher of our university: I'm looking for three students, a man and a woman. ...

The class began to look around, looking for Chris Lee.

20 nights self-study back to the dormitory, Lu Yu fairy mm one day, and then follow.

I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but I didn't have the courage to go forward until fairy mm was about to enter the girls' building.

I gritted my teeth and stepped forward to ask mm loudly: Excuse me, classmate, are you a woman?

Later ... later, I enjoyed the eyes of the fairy mm for two years.

2 1 Allen class, the teacher is passionate: how many heroic children are lingering underground? ...

The graduation works of 22 students are made of big red cloth and sewn on black robes.

The teacher who answered the question asked: Why does Phoenix use red instead of other colors?

When that classmate was excited, he blurted out: Because the phoenix is burning! ! Three seconds later, the students who came to see the defense laughed hysterically, and my stomach was twisted with laughter!

When I was in junior high school, my teacher called recite Mulan words (the teacher was BT), and I was nervous.

When my brother heard that my sister was coming, he slashed his knife at his parents (pigs and sheep) .......

The whole class laughed and laughed at themselves, and I forgot the rest. Fortunately, the teacher didn't punish me ~ ~

Heaven and earth, Dou E is more unfair than me!

I bought WSJ for LP. I went to the store for a long time and didn't know what to buy. I just took a bag and asked the owner, "Boss, is this easy to use?" The boss (male) wait for a while looked at me carefully for 5 seconds and said, "I have never used this either!" " "

At the age of 25, my father watched me write my composition. There is a simple mistake in writing. The father smiled and said to his mother, "I find your son very stupid." I was in a hurry and said loudly to my father, "Your son is so stupid!" -_-b

Twenty-six soldiers came to earth to cover up the water.

My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After paying the money, the bank said that you don't have enough money. This is the second page. This should also be handed in.

My mother: What's the second page?

Staff: Sewage

My mother: My family never drinks sewage.

The director of our senior three office once again angrily scolded us for not listening to the class and said, "Don't blame me for being inhuman if you do this again!" "

29 math teacher's signature action

Put up two fingers and say to the students, "Students, the key to learning math well is three words!" " ! ! Do more exercises! ! "

On the 30th day, I said that my girlfriend was as stupid as a pig. She twisted me, and it was painful, and she never let go. When I was in a hurry, I said, "I told your mother that you abused pigs!" "

3 1 One day, I went to worship Guanyin with my parents and younger brother.

I didn't wake up, just come forward to say:

Suffering Guanyin ...

Mom and Dad:->-|||

Brother:->-||||

Bodhisattva: T _ _ _ _ T ||||||

When I was in FoxPro class in my sophomore year, a teacher began to count how many people were in our class.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, tick ...

One day, my dear mother asked me to buy pepper.

Mommy: "Go and buy a catty of peppers."

Even: "A catty! Why buy so much? "

Mommy: "Nonsense ~ To cook! ! ! "

I was depressed and surprised when I went out to buy it. When I left, I specifically asked, "Are you sure you want to buy a catty?" ! "

Answer my eyes! anxious ...

When I arrived at the vegetable market, the more I thought about it, the more wrong I was. Why did you buy a catty of peppers? Too many, isn't it? ! Take out your cell phone.-Confirm again!

The answer is still the same: a catty of pepper! ! !

28 yuan, a kilo of peppers, the boss weighed and bagged me. I was about to pay when the phone rang ~ ~ ~ Mom? !

I only heard the roar on the phone: "Wrong! No! ! Not a catty, not a catty, but one or two! ! ! "

Sweat! ! ! !

When the house was just delivered, there were many people coming and going, and every time the security guard asked questions.

Originally, I wanted to say that I am the landlord, but I often say that I am the landlord.

I ran away while the security guard was short-circuited

In my freshman year of 35, I played a "thief" at a party in the yard, which made me famous and won the favor of girls. On weekdays, I am called a "thief". One day when I was visiting the Asian Trade, I was seen by a Harbin girl in my class who spoke very fast. She shouted at me excitedly, "Alas-thief-thief", and I was immediately caught by the people next to me. ...

also

1 unit, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Holding your breath, there was nothing to say.

Once I booked a hotel for my boss and wanted to ask if there were any services such as free internet access, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked him, "Do you have any special services here?" "

The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

-__-! ! ! !

Third, the old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

4 shopping, suddenly my friend exclaimed: "Wow! Virgin bookstore! "I was frightened. I looked up and saw a plaque with four big characters written on it.

-Foreign language bookstore-_ _!

I once went to buy mutton kebabs.

Hold out four fingers and say "three kebabs" to the boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

8 Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" " "(Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed and sprayed soup.

One day, I ate slowly in the rice noodle shop and was hungry.

Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table!

The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! "

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

10 My parents quarreled, and my father said angrily, "I'll go out!"

1 1 High school plays basketball. After getting the ball, A selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball, A shouted to pass it to him, but B threw it himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now. ...

Full laughter

In the impression of 12, the monitor in primary school was extremely serious. A self-study class, the classroom was crowded with people. After several times of maintaining order, the monitor was finally fed up. He stood up, patted the table and shouted, whoever makes any more noise will break his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

When we were in 13 university, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost and Beckham took two yellow plates!" "

14 Don't work in porcelain without a golden hoop.

15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new material, saying, "The sexual function of this material can't be compared with that of the old material ... Oh, no, the performance and function ..."

16 just went to college for military training. The company commander didn't know where the accent came from and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

17 when I was in college, I heard a girl order: master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

18 When I was a sophomore, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. He has a strong accent. His son is attached to the Department of Architecture of Tsinghua, which is also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He is very proud of his son and always tells us about his son. Every time, he said, "My moth (son) is from the Department of Frog (Tsinghua) and Toad (Architecture).

If moths jump on frogs and toads, won't they become snacks? ...

19 cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" " "

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate.

I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "

What's more, the examiner sighed and said, "Confucius' student. "

Just after school started 10 minutes, my deskmate raised her hand and said, teacher, I want to go to the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you to go to the toilet?

I have a classmate who has been reviewing the computer level 3 exam. One day, while playing football, another classmate took the ball to the bottom line and only heard him shout: Enter! Get back in the car! (in the middle)

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

The physics teacher said, "It's a thick spring. I pushed from both ends to see if there was any densification (constipation). "

Listen to your classmates,

Once a girl in her dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

Say to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

26. Senior college student, late for educational psychology ... walked into the classroom and glanced at the blackboard. The old professor was angry and asked her to answer the questions on the blackboard. Senior sister faltered for a long time and said, "This is too difficult to talk about." The whole class is nervous. (note. Professor's original title:

2 50 brand-new slips of the tongue have now landed! -Laughing till a slip of the tongue 2007 Hot Edition (ZT)

A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground, and I asked a question to show my concern: "Does your ass hurt?" As a result, I accidentally said, "Your ass fell to death." Sweat ~ ~ The brother stood up and patted his ass, farted and said, "He is still breathing!" " I just fainted.

Drinking with leaders and others, he raised his glass and said loudly, "Let's die together!" " My brain was too hot. ......

On one occasion, the photographer of our newspaper interviewed the star of Anonymous and told him how he met the star at the meeting. The boss looked at a pile of photos on the table and made a joke: I see you have become his royal photographer. But the boss's southern Mandarin is not clear, so he pronounced "Yu" as "Japanese". From then on, this poor photographer was called "everyday photographer" by us. He worked overtime, and of course he became a "night photographer".

Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

3 1 Our colleague went on a business trip, so the dealer invited us to dinner. If you want to pee while eating, the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite. If you go, you can tell the door that we are eating across the street, so it's free. In order to save twenty cents, our colleague went straight ahead and confidently said to the toilet administrator, "I'm here for dinner!" " "

I'm from the logistics department. After the new year, customers call to ask when the goods will arrive before the festival. Because the holidays were so chaotic these days, I couldn't figure out the contents of the order, so I asked, What are you?

A friend of mine has just watched The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "fighting the dog to win the battle" and often plays jokes on others.

One day, as usual, he. Kicked a man and shouted "kick the dog's leg!" " Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked again and shouted, "Dog kicks!" " "

When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays.

I want to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant.

I'm nervous because I'm a child, and this is my first job.

Originally I wanted to ask the manager if he needed a job, but I also wanted to say that it would be more subtle to ask him if he needed manpower.

The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?"

I almost found a hole to get into.

Once I went to the market to buy food and prepare for dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce and asked for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, but he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took him a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

The manager usually says to smokers at meetings: smokers are strangled! !

I remember when KFC went out to spread its wings and spread its fragrance, because I didn't see the advertisement and heard what others said, I always thought it was Liu Xiang who endorsed KFC. When I get to Ken, tell the waiter directly that I want Liu Xiang to spread her wings. . .

After the 38 KFC Sudan Red Incident, I went to KFC, and the waiter asked, What do you want? I didn't even think about it: a pair of Sudan red. The waiter suddenly choked.

I went to a small shop for dinner with some colleagues after work the other day. There were quite a lot of people in the shop at that time. A fat waiter is as busy as a bee. A colleague shouted "waiter ~ ~" and the girl ran over: "What are the accounts of several nodes?" At that time, we all fell down and went to this restaurant for dinner. When ordering food, we shout "waiter pays the bill" and then shout "order!" ! "

I met my colleague in the bathroom at noon, and suddenly I didn't know what word to say hello to. The tie asked, "Have you eaten?" After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed. The colleague replied, "Yes, and you?" I'm dizzy ~ ~ ~ ~

4 1 my colleague asked about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, and he said, how can apes exchange it with Japanese yen?

42 dormitory brothers watch Prison Break, which is a scene where a man takes out a blade from his mouth and kills people. The boss suddenly jumped out: "I'm K, I can still talk with my mouth hidden in the blade, and I'm convinced." . . "

One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side. My brother hasn't moved for a long time. When my mother was in a hurry, she said this:

"Did you hear that? ! I told you to move the table two kilometers to the side. "

=_=! ! !

After the impassioned speech of the trade union chairman, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let's do our work better this year than next year! The whole audience fell.

Our teacher is very good. One day, he said, "Take out your homework, let's check the answers, cross the correct ones, and then write the correct answers on them ..."

I called a friend I haven't contacted for a long time and learned that he was "suspended with pay"

There are so many beauties in Jiangshan, and countless heroes shoot eagles. . . . . .

I went to the cinema to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Before the movie started, there was a trailer for Transformers. When I saw the fanatic leader, I couldn't remember Megatron. His team was called Decepticons. Because I was so excited, I was a little exclaimed, "How handsome! It's eight days in the south! "

What's terrible is that it was suddenly very quiet at that time without any movie sound effects, and many people stared at me and laughed ... what a pity!

Have dinner with a group of friends

One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was depressed, drank a lot of beer, and then stood up with a loud cry.

Brother! Not for sale! ! !

I think what I'm trying to say is that brothers are not for sale

At that time, more than a dozen people at our table were lying down.