Why is the father absent from the modern family?

In fact, since the beginning of human society, my father has been away, because the most important responsibility of my father is to ensure the safe and healthy development of my family, which means that my father's main job is external, not internal. In the family, the mother's responsibility is education, which means that it is difficult for children to get in touch with their fathers in childhood.

This feature was particularly obvious in ancient times-a boy had to leave his mother's arms and enter social life only when he was about seven years old, and then his father began to be the leader in his life, while the girl continued to receive her mother's education to ensure that she could learn to be a qualified mother and wife in her future life. During this period, fathers, like modern people, don't have much time to accompany their children to grow up. In many families, the father is even like an iconic figure, an idol enshrined in a shrine.

Boys at the age of five or six began to learn life skills with their fathers, and some children from poor families went out as apprentices at this age. It is said that Hua Tuo left home to be an apprentice with Dr. Cai at the age of seven. Although it is not accurate, it is almost the same. So in the past, children really followed their father for a short time, even if they were with their father, it was not for companionship, but for training.

Recently, in the original work of a very popular TV series "White Deer Plain", it was vaguely remembered that Bai Xiaowen had just turned fifteen when he got married, and his wife was eighteen, so when he was crazy day and night, his grandmother would repeatedly interfere with him because he was too young, but a few years before he got married, he left school to learn to be a patriarch with his father and work outside. At this time, his father played an important role in his life. Before that, Bai Xiaowen's grandmother had been taking care of her two grandchildren, because the father's responsibility was to teach his son survival skills, keep calm in a chaotic world, and be responsible for the safety and development of the family. My father's father is more like a teacher than our father in modern families, just like the father in Wrestling, Dad, just like the little master in Sushi God. In this respect, my interested friends can listen to it, and the course is over. I'm not sure if later people can join this class. If you don't listen, please tell me in the comments section.

So it is difficult for us to see the ancients say that there is no father in the family. It has always been our tradition to be a father and a son. Even if the father doesn't go home for many years, there is only one idol-like position, which exists in everyone's heart-the respect of the mother for the father, let the children know the value of the father, and let the children fear this "authority."

After the equality between men and women, this matter was broken. Women are not only in charge at home, but also in charge outside. Everyone tries to be an authority. A woman said to me, "Why should I respect him? Who will respect me! " Others said, "Teacher Wan, it's not that I don't respect him, it's really him … I can't talk to him. How can I respect him? "

"Why don't you respect a person who works to support his mother?" I asked her. She looked at me with special surprise: "So did you say that or was I wrong?" ! "

If it is right for men to support their families, then men should be respected by women, and this "authoritative" position should stay there, even if it is only the position of idols. Otherwise, if the mother does not respect the father, the child will not respect the father for whatever reason.

In ancient times, if a father's educational role for his son occurred after the age of seven, it would be almost a lifelong loss for his daughter, because her daughter has always been educated by her mother. Although there is a saying that "a woman without talent is virtue", in fact, a family with good living conditions has never stopped her daughter from studying since ancient times, because reading is an important means of self-cultivation, so the meaning of "without talent" is not what we modern people think. For example, play a ditty and sing a Beijing opera.

So the daughters of the ancients never had much contact with their fathers, because the daughter's main teacher was her mother. Before a girl gets married, that is, before she is 15 or 16 years old, she needs to learn all the survival skills from her mother, from spinning, weaving, embroidery, darning, cooking, and even the way husband and wife get along and take care of the baby, to the internal management of the extended family, the deployment and management of slaves, and the courtesy between families.

In the words of Li Mulan's mother in Clouds in Beijing, the reason why we demand so much from our daughter is that "although our daughter was born in a rich family, she may not be able to marry a rich family". Therefore, in order to ensure her daughter's life, she must be strictly trained so that she can survive even if she marries a poor family.

There is a saying in "University": So are people who have not learned to adopt children and then get married.

How to learn to adopt a son before marriage?

This kind of translation is completely limited by personal shame about sex and imagination of life. What this sentence actually says is: if you don't learn to be a man first, it's like a woman who doesn't learn to raise children when she gets married.

Raising children is not as simple as we understand being born. Especially for a nation that attaches great importance to children's education, "adopted son" is actually managing the internal operation of the whole family, or at least "raising a baby". It is normal for a sister to help her mother take care of her younger brother in a family with many children, but she learned to raise a baby in the process of raising her younger brother.

To take a step back, even if it simply refers to childbirth, the ancients had to receive relevant education before the girl got married. For example, when the ancients married their daughters, they had to have "erotic pictures" and "wardrobes", and even slept with their mothers on the eve of marriage. This design is not to enjoy the last company, but for the mother to educate her daughter about sex.

To sum up the past family education in Lin Yutang's words is actually that men learn skills and women learn wisdom.

Balzac once said that "novels are the secret history of a nation", which of course refers to orthodox literature, non-online novels and popular entertainment novels.

Through the secret history of these ethnic groups, we can see that men have always been away from their children. The main responsibility of education has always been in the hands of mothers. After all, the mother kept her daughter with her until she got married, and the boy could take care of himself. He didn't give it to his father until he was about seven years old. He didn't start playing with his father, but cultivated him to learn to bear the pressure of life and even bear the fate of the whole family.

This is also an important reason why family education pays special attention to cultivating women's morality-a woman's main responsibility in the family is to educate future generations. A woman's psychological quality and moral education level directly determine the future of a family, and women are in a dominant position in the family. Therefore, there is an old saying that "if you marry a good woman, you will be rich for three generations." This "good woman" does not mean a woman with money and status, but a woman with good family education and mature mental health. "One family has a daughter, and a hundred families have it" refers to the daughters of such families, so ancient marriages were very cautious. The first thing to examine is not the status of this family, but the educational level of this family. Therefore, the daughter of a scholar-bureaucrat will marry into a rich family even if she lives in poverty, because her existence is the basic guarantee for the continuation of a happy life of a rich family.

The basic characteristics of a healthy and mature woman are-no complaints and no anxiety.

Complaining and anxiety will lead to the disintegration of the whole family, so the seven laws of the ancients-disobedience to parents, childlessness, fornication, jealousy, serious illness, bilingualism and thief. Among them, "not listening to parents, jealousy, two tongues" are all caused by complaints and anxiety.

In modern family life, everyone is in a state of anxiety, and everyone feels loneliness more deeply, which leads to fear and anxiety. This is the inevitable result of market economy and urbanization-the more free, the more lonely, the more powerless, the more fearful, and then the more anxious. The ancients knew very well that an anxious and complaining person could not be the prime minister of her husband, but would only increase the anxiety and complaints of people around her. Therefore, under the inevitable pressure of life, at least one person in the family can maintain a peaceful and healthy mentality to ensure the happiness of the whole family. Therefore, the ancients always had low requirements for women's careers, but in modern times, we inherited the state that the ancients did not have high requirements for women's careers, but did not pay attention to cultivating women's mental health.

Therefore, although many families in China conform to the model of "missing father+anxious mother+out-of-control child", this is actually only a superficial phenomenon, and its root is actually that the women who dominate the family are too anxious.

An "anxious mother" will involuntarily complain and manipulate her father and children in order to release her anxiety. When her father refused to be manipulated, her resentment against him increased, and his father was absent from the family-not that he really disappeared, but that he was not seen by the children.

In my case, many people say that "my father seems to have never played any role", and then after the consultation continues to deepen, these people will sigh that "it turns out that my father is not missing, but I blocked him."

The reason why he sheltered his father was that his mother's anxiety and complaints destroyed the relationship between father and son or father and daughter, so even if his father came home from work every day and stayed at home every weekend, he was still absent from family education-the tension and anxiety between parents, the complaining mother and the inevitable intimate relationship between mother and child since childhood, which made the child stand in the same trench with his mother unprincipled, which actually meant that his father was in the family, even in the family. Even in order to support their mother, children will stand on the opposite side of their father and oppose his words and deeds.

At this time, men have fallen into unprecedented loneliness in this family. Family is no longer a shelter from the wind, but a close street fight. Some fathers will run away and go outside to find a new foothold for their hearts. Some people focus on their work and become workaholics. Some people will focus on entertainment, playing games, gambling and so on; Some people will be addicted to alcohol and drugs; Others will cheat and go whoring ... and those who stay, even if they stay at home, are absent.

After the father is isolated, this "anxious mother" will throw all her control to her children because she can't control her father. When the child is young, she will spoil her, because the child is not only her child, but also the representative of her life. Such a woman cannot achieve a good social status because of her own emotional pressure, psychological problems and even cognitive errors. Children have become the main or even the only channel for her to realize all her ambitions and keep up with the joneses in life.

This will inevitably lead to excessive manipulation and doting on children, and when children's strength continues to grow, it will lead to the emergence of "out-of-control children."

Therefore, to solve family problems, we must pay attention to women's anxiety and mental health. If we want to solve the problem of father's absence, we must also start from the mother's point of view. After all, the family is a whole. This is definitely not something that my father can bring back just because he wants to come back. Similarly, women dominate the family. If women don't leave a place for men in the family, men can't go back to the family.

The ancient solution to this problem is that women should learn to respect men, even if the respected men are only statues, they should also have the position of statues.

Someone read my article and left me a message backstage, thinking that I was sexist and almost labeled as "son preference".

Others directly questioned me: you are still a woman.

But in fact, I am not "patriarchal", but "patriarchal". Since women dominate the family, they must bear the main responsibility. If a woman doesn't pay attention to her own problems, the harm will even be the destruction of a family-children's lives are like a punishment.

Therefore, to solve the problem of "father's absence", the first thing to be solved is actually the mental health of the mother. Women must pay attention to mental health, and the cultivation of daughters must also pay attention to mental health, not just talent.

Once this problem is solved, the following problems can be solved one by one.

The relationship between father and son is the first interpersonal relationship between human beings and "authority" since birth, and human beings have learned to get along with "authority" in the process of getting along with their fathers.

I have a case, a patient with severe hypochondria-anxiety can't be released, and the relationship with the leader can't be solved, so I release all my anxiety to my body, suspecting that there are various pathological phenomena in my body, which the hospital can't detect. One of her characteristics is that she regards the leader as the "father", and her war with the leader is a replica of her war with her father. She couldn't control herself completely, and her disgust and hatred for her father were all released on the leader ... Her colleagues were puzzled and asked her, "How do I feel that you seem to treat our leader as a father?"

So you can imagine how such a person's career can develop smoothly. Your father will tolerate you because he can't abandon you, but your leader won't. For the sake of team goals, leaders can abandon anyone who does not meet the requirements of team goals. This is the truest side of life.

However, based on the characteristics of these cases, many psychologists put forward a view that fathers should cultivate themselves into an excellent father, do a good job in parent-child relationship and cultivate more children to grow up, which is solved. Then many women criticize more confidently, even accusing their husbands of not being conscientious enough, not being perfect enough, not being gentle and kind enough, or not running a good family while running a career-this is actually asking a person to become a "perfect person" in our fantasy.

But in fact, the perfect father will only ruin the child's life. The more perfect the father is, the more unsolvable the child's life is. Because loving fathers can't make children grow up, these children can't learn to get along with "authority" with loving fathers-authority is not kind, and there is no loving authority in this world.

In recent years, young people often confidently educate unit leaders on how to behave. In fact, it is because young people confidently believe that authority should or even must be kind-a father's kindness will make children think that all "authorities" are kind, but this is an illusion, an illusion brought by a loving father.

In addition, sons can't get strength from loving their fathers, and daughters can't learn to get along with the opposite sex by loving their fathers.

If a person wants to achieve something in this life, he must have strength, and strength comes from his father. A gentle and loving father can't give his son such strength.

Kindness is used to describe a mother, not a father. The "kindness" of "father's kindness and filial piety" is not what we require of a perfect father now. This "kindness" is powerful, which means "kindness makes you brave", just like dad in wrestling, dad.

For example, when a child makes a mistake and needs to be corrected, someone needs to be strict with him, because correction is painful and needs oppression. If the father is gentle, loving and tolerant, then the child will lose the pressure that makes him suffer. If there is no painful pressure, what is the reason to correct it? People fantasize about the perfect father and even complain that his father is imperfect and intolerant. In fact, it is because they don't want to change, accept the reality and learn to grow.

In addition, in marriage, there will inevitably be fights between husband and wife. Modern women are pampered by their parents, and their inner desires and demands will be much more special. At this time, men need strength to be free from the influence of women, and men's strength often comes from their dependence on their fathers. If their father has power, this man will have power. If their father is used to compromise, this man will naturally lose his role model and strength. Because the father will teach his son to compromise-not only in marriage, but also in all aspects of life, it is difficult for a person who constantly compromises to stick to his own path and is easily swallowed up by the crowd. It is the most basic requirement for a person to make achievements and not compromise in the face of pain and difficulties.

In one case, my mother was very strong-willed, and my father was rejected and suppressed by her in the family. The evaluation of the case is: "My father can't do anything, and I don't blame my mother for suppressing him. He couldn't do it, so my mother had to do it ... Now I understand that my father is also very poor ... "The case completely repeated his father's fate in marriage, and finally he became impotent at a young age because he didn't have the strength to leave such a situation. The son repeated his father's pain in marriage and his father's cowardice in his career.

Therefore, if a father wants to play a benign role in his children's lives, he must learn not to be a loving father as others say. Father's kindness is actually rational, indifferent and powerful, but it is for the sake of children's long-term life.

I have also met some girls who can't fall in love or are unhappy in marriage, because they naturally ask their boyfriends or husbands to learn from her father, and they will always feel that their husbands don't love them enough and are not men enough, which makes these women always girls, always looking for "dad" and always in a state of complaining. Anyway, she couldn't stand it-"Why isn't he as good as my father?" ! "This is the biggest question in their hearts. In fact, they often compare the shortcomings of their boyfriends or husbands with the advantages of their fathers, and they are imaginary advantages, because women can't fully understand their fathers. Many advantages of a father as a husband are imagined by women from the perspective of their daughters.

Therefore, a loving father will actually deprive his daughter of the ability to love others, even deprive her of the ability to run a happy marriage, and make her marry late or even not, and the older she gets, the more lonely she will be, because she will never find another person who can give her such complete love in this life, and have such a father. Although this father still has various shortcomings in her eyes, she can never meet a better and better man in this world than this poor father.

I often tell my case. The easiest thing to get along with in this world is my parents. If a person's relationship with his parents is not handled well, it is impossible for him to get on well with any "authority" and get help from noble people. After all, this is the only "authority" who will never abandon you. You can have enough time to learn how to get along with them. Even if your parents may be suffering from Peter Pan syndrome, this is a very suitable place to grow up.

Therefore, in fact, the more difficult the father, the more unloved the father, the more severe the father, and the more the father who has all kinds of shortcomings complained by his mother, the more conducive it is to the growth of the child's life-people who can get along well with such a father, whether boys or girls, will lack many obstacles in life, have a bad relationship with their parents and have a complicated growing environment, so children need to face various contradictions and solve various problems.

The key to solving the problem lies in education-in this difficult environment, fathers or mothers teach their children how to face their parents' contradictions and how to deal with their parents' relationship, not how to deal with their parents' relationship (many children in love women complain and even force them to solve their husband-wife relationship, which is very stupid). Mothers, in particular, need to teach their children to handle the relationship with their fathers. If the mother doesn't have this ability, the child can only learn from books and then apply it to life. However, this is indeed a difficult process.

When children learn to get along with their stern and indifferent fathers, they will also let their fathers feel the warmth and love of the family, gain respect in the family, and their fathers will also feel their value in the family. Therefore, men will be willing to stay at home. Even if the relationship between husband and wife is a little difficult, their father will not leave easily and will become more and more gentle, because his father is nourished by love and will take off his defensive armor.

Children learn to get along with their parents, which will not only reduce obstacles and get help in their careers, but also enable children to get a good relationship between husband and wife. Therefore, there is a popular saying in society that parents have a good marriage relationship and their children will have a good marriage relationship, which is unreasonable. A good marriage relationship between parents does not mean that the child's marriage will be good, and a bad marriage relationship between parents or even divorce does not mean that the child's marriage relationship will be bad or even divorced.

However, if children learn to get along with their parents, it will be beneficial to their future marriage, especially if their parents are not so easy to get along with. If children can correctly handle the relationship with their parents, their lives will become happier and happier.

Therefore, the key point is actually whether the child has learned to deal with interpersonal relationships and contradictions from the family. Learning to deal with contradictions does not mean that "parents are good at dealing with interpersonal relationships and children can learn". This kind of "learning to handle" is actually to let children "see the good in Qi, but not reflect well".

That is to say, in family life, if parents correctly handle this problem, then children can learn directly for their own use, while if parents show their own shortcomings and intensify contradictions, then children should learn to "introspect", see and learn that "this problem cannot be handled like this. If it is me, what should I do? "

This is a mode of thinking, not just a proverb. The biggest advantage of this mode of thinking is that children can learn something beneficial to their lives at any time and in any environment.

Nietzsche said: "Those who fight the devil should be careful not to become the devil. When you stare at the abyss from a distance, the abyss is also staring at you. "

If a person can be trained to have the thinking mode of "seeing good Si Qi and introspection when seeing evil", it means that even if he is face to face with the devil, he will "climb a foot higher than the devil"-just like an "alpha dog", he will automatically upgrade all the way, never be swallowed up by the abyss and never become a devil.

This way of thinking is not innate, nor is it the requirement of perfectionism, but the result of education and training. For people with this mode of thinking, it has nothing to do with the marital relationship between parents. No matter what kind of harsh environment the family comes from, it will not have a bad influence on this person.

However, in order for children to have such a mode of thinking, at least one parent should have such a mode of thinking. If parents don't have such a model, they should be good at choosing a suitable educational environment.

Therefore, whether a father is absent in a family depends first on the mother's attitude towards him and second on the education of the children. If the child realizes that he must respect his father and learn to get along with him, then no matter how miserable his father is, he will still have a place in the child's heart and cannot be absent.

It must be emphasized here that this position was not won by my father, but requested by him. Many fathers, educated by modern psychologists, will take the initiative to participate in the family, but this initiative will also cause unnecessary disputes, because relatively speaking, fathers are more likely to love their children and are more capable of loving them, especially when their children are young, so in fact, men are not suitable to assume educational responsibilities in the family.

Since ancient times, when fathers participate in children's education, it is the time when children have the ability to take care of themselves and need to learn to adapt to social life. In modern times, fathers are more suitable to teach children how to get along with classmates, how to have friends and how to protect themselves. How to deal with the relationship with teachers, because it represents another kind of authoritative relationship, especially after junior high school, which is more suitable for the father's position than companionship. It is to lead him to adapt to human social life, even including how to express feelings, how to express good feelings for girls he likes, point out the shortcomings of children, and have the right to ask children to correct themselves. The most basic condition for a family to let the father play such a role is that the mother should respect the father, otherwise a father who has not been respected has no position in the children's hearts. After all, from the birth of a child, the most important position in his heart is his mother.

Therefore, in fact, the status of the father is not controversial, but is given and respected by the wise mother, not required or forced. Moreover, it is not enough time to pull my father into the family education, but it will lead to war because of different educational concepts. If children are young, they will form the bad habit of alienating children and looking at people.

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