What if my son is too old to communicate with you?

There is a topic in Zhihu: What makes children unwilling to communicate with their parents when they grow up?

A netizen said: when I was a child, I saved a few cents from breakfast every day, bought a book I liked very much, and then showed it to my mother with great expectation. As soon as my mother opened her mouth, she asked her: Where did you get the money? There's no place to spend more money, is there? At that time, she was very sad. She showed her notebook to her mother to share her joy, not to be scolded, but instead of understanding her, her mother misunderstood her and scolded her.

The netizen also said that one day she visited during her period and gave her 40 yuan. She is very sensible. She gave her mother 30 yuan and only kept it for herself 10. Mother happily put away the money and told her that it is not good for you to take so much money. I'll get it for you. Give it to 2 yuan first, and the rest every week. There is no doubt that children trust their parents. Unexpectedly, my mother broke her word, and then she seemed to forget about it and didn't give her the rest of her pocket money in batches as agreed before. The children who originally planned to take 10 yuan to go to the stationery store to buy things failed to realize their wishes.

I have experienced many similar things, and she seldom meets anything to tell her mother.

In fact, children are naturally eager to be close to their parents.

When I was a child, I was willing to share joys and sorrows with my parents. Unfortunately, many parents failed to seize this opportunity. When children tell them, they often ignore or even attack them, which makes them very depressed and less and less like to communicate with their parents. Professor Li Meijin said: "Children's problems are often caused by adults. Every psychological and behavioral problem of a child must be related to the behavior of parents and the way parents educate. "

Before children become independent, they must rely on their parents emotionally and behaviorally. Unfortunately, many parents can't effectively deal with their children in these two aspects. Children's trust in their parents is gradually destroyed, and their real needs are ignored. Over time, the attachment relationship between parents and children becomes very fragile. Psychologically, attachment can be divided into four types: security type, contradiction type, escape type and disorder type. Except for secure attachment, others belong to insecure attachment relationship.

So what is a safe attachment?

That is, no matter how children behave, parents' love is unconditional and stable. He knows that he is deeply loved by his parents, and his feelings and needs are visible. When children and parents establish a secure attachment, the relationship between them will get better and better. Otherwise, no matter how parents bring up, there will be problems between parents and children. Such as contradictory attachment. In this relationship, parents' love is unstable, sometimes they love him very much, but when they behave badly, they are indifferent and disciplined severely. This kind of contradictory parents can't give children a sense of security. When I grow up, I am prone to anxiety, changeable personality and bullying.

On the other hand, avoidant attachment is characterized by children's lack of love and care from their parents and weak relationship with them. When a child reaches a certain age, it is easy to have rebellious or aggressive behavior. There will even be disorderly attachment, and even more extreme is that children are often abused, parents are emotionally unstable, and the harbor of love has become a dangerous place. He doesn't know when his parents will break out, which will lead to behavior disorder and may develop into borderline personality disorder in the future.

Therefore, when children encounter something, they would rather hurt themselves or even do extreme things than tell their parents. In fact, whether children are close to their parents and whether they are willing to communicate with their parents all stem from attachment.

02

The stronger the attachment, the more children trust their parents. If a child trusts his parents very much, then the attachment relationship between them must be very good. Guan Xiaotong, who plays Liang Shuang, grew up in a loving family. Her father is an actor and her mother is a dramatic actress. They are very concerned about Guan Xiaotong since childhood, willing to listen to her, support her and understand her. The relationship between the three has always been very good.

Influenced by his parents, Guan Xiaotong started filming with his father at the age of 4. She and her father are just like friends, they will do all kinds of funny things on him, take photos with their necks pinched, and call him Lao Guan and coquetry.

I have endless words with my mother. I will tell my mother which boy I like at school and which boy I like when filming in the crew. Mother often teased her, so she changed it so quickly.

When filming, she listened to her parents' arrangement, and when her father said she couldn't kiss, she wouldn't shoot. I never let my parents down in my studies. The bookcase at home is full of awards and certificates. At this age, I still like to go shopping with my parents, eat the dishes cooked by my father and have a lot to say with my mother. I really envy her. I have such a good relationship with my parents because of my solid emotional attachment.

A child who has established a good attachment relationship with his parents is more willing to trust his parents and accept their care. He will also look for his parents when he is in trouble. He will not contradict his parents' suggestions, and will have a closer relationship with his parents. He will attach importance to everything his parents value, be willing to communicate with them, share their daily life, regard them as role models, imitate their words and deeds, and be proud of them. The quality of parent-child relationship depends on whether the attachment relationship is strong or not. Only when the attachment relationship is strong can children feel the emotional connection with their parents and trust their parents.

British educator Spencer said: "When children feel love and trust, miracles will soon appear before your eyes." A child who is deeply loved and has a stable attachment relationship will be a child who can create miracles.

03

To establish a good attachment relationship, parents need to do this.

Attachment is the bond between children and parents. If you can't see this relationship, all love can't be effectively conveyed. Parents have an obligation to maintain this bond until their children cannot be independent. So, how can we maintain this connection?

1, reply the child in time.

Psychologist Dr. Sabari said: Seeing means responding, and responding means being seen. When you see a child, respond in time. Good parents know how to be a listener, appeaser, guide, role model or teacher at any time. Every child is not an island, and needs to be seen and responded by parents in time. Response is like a ray of sunshine, which can make children feel the love and warmth of their parents. A friend of mine, when getting along with his son, will respond seriously and promptly no matter what he says or asks strange questions.

For example, when a child says "Mom, I am very angry", no matter how busy she is, she will stop to listen to the child's thoughts and respond to his feelings. Therefore, their mother-child relationship is enviable. Respond to the child in time, observe the child attentively, pay attention to his actions and find out his real needs, and the relationship between the child and us will get better and better.

2. Accept the positive needs of children.

Last month, at a highway intersection in Taizhou, a mother left her daughter who had not finished her homework late at night and left by herself. An 8-year-old child, alone in the dark night, can't imagine how scared and helpless he is. The girl just wanted to take a day off because of too much homework, so her mother used this way to scare her.

Fortunately, she knew how to go to the gas station for help, so that nothing happened. To raise a child, we should unconditionally accept the child's needs, rather than asking the child to exchange conditions, so as to satisfy him. Let him know that our love is unconditional. Even if we are disappointed and go against our wishes, let him know that we love him in words and actions.

What we care about is our relationship with him, not our behavior. We want our children to know that he is very important to us and that we love him, not because he is sensible, excellent and has won any prizes, so that they can feel safe and trust us.

Even if the body is separated, the mind should keep in touch.

We often have to be separated from our children for work reasons, but even if we are separated physically, we should keep in touch with our hearts.

Chun Wu shared a good way to keep in touch with children. He and his wife were separated from their children for a few days because of the wedding photos, so they hid the gifts at home and let the children find them every day.

Through such a game, even if he is not around the child, he is not disconnected in his heart. Besides, there are many ways to keep in touch with children: for example, on a business trip, we will tell our children where to go and what to do on a business trip, and then prepare a map to tell them which place is your business trip city.

Before going on a business trip, you can also leave a small note and say something sweet to your child, so that he knows that you will miss him and love him even if you are not around. Children's attachment to their parents depends on their parents' efforts.

-Write it at the end-

Donald Winnick, a British child psychiatrist, once said, "Once a favorable relationship is established, an unfavorable relationship will never appear again."

The premise of establishing favorable conditions is: "unconditional love and acceptance, one side has the desire to nurture the other side, has the ability to do its best for the other side, and is willing to sacrifice everything for the growth of the other side."

A strong attachment relationship is the best relationship in a child's growth. Once a child has a strong attachment to his parents, it is difficult to be disintegrated. No matter how long and how far apart, this emotional connection still exists. Attachment directly affects parent-child relationship. Many parents love their children very much and have learned a lot of skills in educating their children, but the parent-child relationship is unstable and there will still be many problems in educating their children. Parents can educate their children with stable attachment through instinct.