I want to talk to you.

Before I say I love you, I want to say I hate you.

In fact, my family seldom mentions you to me. I seldom think of you myself. But I know very well in my heart-you are very important to me. When I type these words, I really don't have much emotion. It's like crying too much and losing your eyes. Since you are not here, I will pretend that I don't need you.

However, I know I need you. Need your love, care, or just exist. I just need your existence, whether you are a good mother or bad mother, whether you are smart or stupid, whether you are beautiful or ugly.

I don't know what you look like now. It is said that all the photos about you at home were burned. Is it possible that I will never see you again? But it doesn't matter. Next time I go to grandma's house, I'll ask, in case there is one. Even if not, I will look at myself. I know half of me is you.

Having said that, I still didn't say I hate you. Yes, I hate you, because I need you, because without you, my world will always be empty.

I hate you, mom.

But I don't want to hate you. I just think you're stupid. Why bother? Why kill yourself? But I don't like the word suicide. Maybe life at that time was really too heavy for you. Living is not such a fun thing, it is better to die. I admire your courage too, mom. I want to call you honey. Don't call me mom, you are my warm dear, the most important person in my life.

In fact, I know that life will come and go, and eventually it will be lost. Even if you stay and stay, I can't be in your arms forever. As my father and I are now, it is rare to be together for too long in a year. Dad asked me to go out to play several times, but I always said I didn't want to go. Will he think I'm rude? I don't think he will hurt me or leave me, so he won't feel so guilty and afraid. Mom, I like chatting with you like this, knowing that you will always listen.

Actually, I don't hate how boring you are. I just want you back. Hate is just that I pretend you are a bad person, it's your fault, I don't need you. But you're not a bad person. You're right. I need you too.

If you hadn't left, you would have been a good mother. If you are a bad person, you will not hurt yourself like this, but others. You were right, too. Living is meaningless, it is better to die.

But mom, I'm not going to die. I saw a bigger world, and I had more choices. Sometimes it's hard, but I can handle it ~

I hope you can look at me, hug me, sing me nursery rhymes and listen to me.

This is a letter you can't see, but it doesn't matter. You will always exist in me in some form until I die.

Mom, you're not alone. Me too. I am not alone.

May you always be so beautiful in the eternal 20 years old.

Bye, mom. Talk to you next time.