What about the imperfect gift?

Shame is a more terrible topic than vulnerability. In fact, just saying this topic is enough to arouse people's sense of shame. Brené Brown, a professor of social work at the University of Houston in the United States, is a shame researcher. He often encounters rejection and embarrassment on some occasions. For example, once she was on a plane and the woman next to her told her that she was a university professor, she seemed very interested in talking. But when I heard that she was studying shame, I didn't want to talk about it any more, and I kept pretending to be asleep. After reading TED talk by Brené 20 12, I felt very rewarding. Due to time constraints, a lot of content was not developed, so I went to read her book "Imperfect Gift", and I felt that I had a more comprehensive understanding of shame and really benefited a lot. The reason why I am so interested in shame is that since I practiced being aware of my emotions, I found that I often feel ashamed. Actually, I'm not the only one As Brane said, shame is only human, and only those who have lost contact or empathy will not feel this way. Shame has three characteristics: (1) everyone has it; (2) People are afraid to talk about it; (3) The less we talk about it, the more it can control our lives. Perhaps many people will deny that they have shame as soon as they hear it, because they are ashamed to admit it, or they don't realize it, and regard it as an uncomfortable feeling. For example, I once asked a friend of the opposite sex, "Have you ever felt ashamed?" As a result, he told me jokes and made fun of him. Brane often takes his own story as an example to illustrate his understanding of shame. For example, after her famous "fragile" TED talk, she was afraid to go out for three days because she couldn't bear to mention that she had collapsed (although her psychiatrist thought it was a spiritual awakening). She has the impulse to steal the TED video, so that it won't be posted online for more people to see. Otherwise, if 2000 people see this video, she thinks she is dead. (Xiaoying's note: Now the video view of this speech is seven figures). This is the story she told at the beginning of the 20 12 speech, and everyone was amused by her witty and vivid description. The following is my understanding of shame based on her speeches and books. 1 Why are you ashamed to listen? Brane believes that in order to love and live wholeheartedly, we can't bypass the obstacles along the way-especially shame, fear and vulnerability. Many people want to bypass these, just want to know "how" to take a shortcut, which proves to be infeasible. Otherwise, the information in modern society is so developed that you can get many guides on how to live a happy life with a click of the mouse, but why do so many people often don't do it or even run counter to it when they know the truth clearly? A big reason is that people have not learned to face and deal with these obstacles. Jungian school described shame as a swamp of the soul. Brane thinks that this swamp is very important and needs our intervention, but this does not mean to camp there, but to learn how to find a way out. 2 What is shame? According to his own research, Brane's definition of shame is: "Shame is a strong painful feeling or experience, thinking that you are flawed, so it is not worthy of love and belonging. Shame is a deliberate painful feeling or experience that we are blown away and not worthy of love and trust. " Shame is related to fear. We are afraid that some parts of ourselves will be known by others, and the other party will no longer like us and think that we are not worth socializing with. Shame keeps pointing at us in my mind, saying two typical words: (1) I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough! Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? )。 If you are interested, you might as well listen to Eason Chan's Eyes Wide shut. Huang Weiwen's lyrics vividly wrote "I'm not good enough" for fear that the other party would be scared away if they knew. The difference between shame and guilt is noteworthy: shame is not guilt. "Shame lies in oneself, and guilt lies in behavior. Shame means' I'm terrible' and guilt means' I did terrible things' ... Guilt: I'm sorry, I was wrong. Ashamed: Sorry, I was a mistake. Shame is a concern for self, and guilt is a concern for behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." ..... Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: Sorry. I was a mistake. "Shame often leads to self-destruction and harmful behaviors, such as drug abuse, depression, violence, eating disorders and so on. Guilt is uncomfortable, but it can let us know that we have done something wrong and adjust ourselves to the right track, which will help reduce self-destructive behavior. " I want to refer to the latter. Guilt can be the driving force for change, while shame will only undermine our belief that we can change and do better. 4 How to Deal with Shame The core of Brane's research on shame is the resilience of shame. People with higher abilities can cope with shame well. They will do the following four things: (1) Identify shame and its causes; (2) Critical perception: Is imperfection really not good enough? (3) Ask for help and share your story with someone you can trust. (4) Talk about shame and embrace our imperfections. Usually when we don't realize it, shame has already appeared, and secondary emotions such as anger, fear and anxiety have followed. So it is important to realize and talk about shame. But in the face of shame, most people instinctively adopt the following three strategies: (1) shrinking, hiding, being silent and keeping secrets. For example, if you are frustrated in love and are ashamed to tell others, you will never dare to pursue the opposite sex again. (2) Give in or please others. For example, once Brené went to give a speech, a woman told her that they didn't want to hear shame, but how to be happy. As a result, Brené gave in and the whole speech was happy. Afterwards, she felt very sad because it wasn't really her. (3) It is the easiest way for people to deal with those who humiliate and attack us with humiliation and attack. This is especially common on the Internet, where people use language to bite each other in order to disagree. These strategies make us deviate from our true selves and only make the influence of shame persist. "If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to breed: secrecy, silence and criticism. If you put the same amount of shame into a Petri dish and inject empathy into it, it will not survive. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to multiply: secret, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and pour shame on it, it can't survive. " 5 How to choose people who can empathize with them? Empathy is the antidote to shame, so when chatting with friends about shame stories, choose those who have empathy, that is to say, "Me too". Try to avoid the following friends: (1) I am ashamed of you, and you should comfort him in turn (2) I sympathize with you instead of empathizing with you (3) I regard you as a spiritual pillar, and when I hear this, you will be disappointed with your imperfection (4) I complain about why you let it happen, or condemn the person who caused it (5) I feel uncomfortable and refuse to admit you. It's not that bad. (6) I am eager to talk about my own business. "Nothing, my talent ..." I compared myself and found that I have made and met all six kinds of friends. After all, everyone has imperfections, especially when we are still struggling, it is difficult to feel the same. Original address:/1159.htmlThe author's note on another important concept "vulnerability" in the book:/1136.html.