Funny jokes, ancient poems, don’t be pornographic. Something fresh

How to prevent mosquitoes

Someone was suffering from mosquitoes in summer. A friend told him: "Use two layers of linen to make a quilt cover to prevent mosquitoes." The man asked Why, my friend said: "When it comes to bite, pull the top layer of linen to the side and twist the mosquito's mouth. It will hurt the muscles and bones, and it will take 120 days to rest. When its mouth gets better, the weather "It's cold too." - "Selected Elegant Smiles" by Zui Yuezi of the Ming Dynasty

Don't dare to disturb me

Su Dongpo and Huang Tingjian lived in Jinshan Temple. One day, they made bread to eat. The two of them agreed not to tell the monk Foyin in the temple about making cakes this time. After a while, the cake was cooked. After counting the number, they first presented the cake to the seat of Guanyin Bodhisattva, bowed diligently, and prayed. Unexpectedly, the Buddha's seal had been hidden in the divine tent in advance. While the two were kneeling to pray, they reached out and stole two pieces of bread. After Su Shi paid his respects, he stood up and saw that two pieces of cake were missing. He knelt down and prayed again, "Guanyin Bodhisattva is so powerful. He ate two pieces of cake. Why didn't he come out to meet you?" Foyin replied in the tent: "I If we have some food, I’ll make a few joints with you. Don’t you dare bother me?” ——Anonymous Ming Dynasty’s "Hua Feast, Talking, Laughing and Drinking"

Greedy

Once upon a time, Guanyin Bodhisattva warned Lu Dongbin: "At the beginning, when you got drunk three times in Yueyang Tower, this was good wine; when you married He Xiangu privately, this was lust; when you sold ink in Dingzhou, you were greedy for money; when you flew a sword to kill the Yellow Dragon, this was good Qi. Now that you have become an immortal, why don’t you stop drinking, lusting, and getting rich?” Lu Dongbin then attacked Guanyin and said, “If you don’t like drinking, why do you have a clean bottle next to you? Why are you covered in gold makeup? If you don't have Qi, why did you surrender to Dapeng?" Guanyin was helpless after being robbed, so she took the tea cup and the pure bottle to Lu Dongbin. Dong Bin laughed and said: "You can't defeat me even with your bottle or two!" - Anonymous Ming Dynasty's "Hua Yan Fun Talk and Laughter Drinking Order"

Bottle drinking is also acceptable

Once upon a time, there was a man who was greedy for drinking. When he was doing business in the capital, he met an acquaintance from the past. This acquaintance had no intention of inviting him home for dinner and only talked on the road. When the drunkard saw this, he said, "I should pay a visit to your apartment. I'm thirsty and upset. I might as well borrow a cup of tea or wine to quench my thirst." The acquaintance said, "My home is far away, so I don't dare bother you to come. The drunkard said: "I guess it's only twenty or thirty miles away." The acquaintance said: "My house is small, I'm afraid it's inconvenient." The drunkard said: "As long as you can open your mouth." He also said: "My house is not complete with utensils and no cups." The drunkard immediately said: "Because of the friendship between the two of us, just drink from a bottle." ——Anonymous Ming Dynasty's "Hua Yan Fun Talk, Laughter and Drinking Order"

Mocking shame

Once upon a time, a scholar wrote a poem and said: "The wind blows the willow lines thousands of green, and the sun shines on the peach blossoms thousands of red." A person next to him said: "The artistic conception of this poem is not good. I'll edit it for you." The poet said, "If you can edit it, please write it yourself." The editor said, "If the author doesn't edit it, he won't write it." - "Hua Banquet, Talking, Laughing and Drinking" written by an unknown person in the Ming Dynasty

Three and a half sentences

There was a scholar named Xipo who was good at writing seventeen-character poems. One year there was a severe drought, and the prefect was leading some of his subordinates to hold a ceremony to pray for rain. Xipo wrote a poem: The prefect prays for rain, and all the people are grateful. Last night I opened the window and saw the moon! The prefect was furious and asked him to write a poem to laugh at himself. He connected himself with Su Dongpo and replied: "The ancients called him Dongpo, but today's people call him Xipo." If you compare the two, they are much different. Later, the prefect sent him to Yunyang. Before leaving, his uncle came to see him off. His uncle was blind in one eye. So Xipo wrote another poem: When I was sent to Yunyang, meeting my uncle was like meeting my mother. They both burst into tears, three lines. After arriving in Yunyang, the local governor liked his poems very much, so he asked him to try out one, and he blurted out: The ring jingles, and the lady comes out of the back hall. The Golden Lotus is three inches small and horizontal in size. ——"The Record of Xiaoxiao" by Duyiwo retired scholar in the Qing Dynasty

Criticizing the dog

A little beggar was lying on the street to rest as his legs were sore and rotten. A dog came and licked his leg. The beggar scolded: "The beast is in such a hurry. Sooner or later it will be your food. What are you busy with?" - Qing Dynasty Chen Gaomo's "Laughing Down"

Take money

Some people like to gamble, and their family property After losing all, he had no choice but to hang himself.

Suddenly I saw a hanged man on the beam shouting: "Bring your head quickly!" The man said: "Thank you for opening your mouth! I have lost to this point, and you still want to ask me to tap my head!" - Qing Dynasty Chen Gaomo's "Laughing Down" 》

Good fight

A woman had an affair with a monk, and her husband discovered it. One day, the husband beat his wife for something else. The monk happened to pass by his door and came in to persuade her. The husband beat the monk as well. The monk was beaten and complained to the government. The official refused to accept the complaint and only wrote on the petition: "Bingzhou scissors, Yangzhou tapestry, Suzhou shoes, Yunnan knife." The monk didn't understand what he meant, so he went to ask a scholar. The scholar looked at it and told him: "This means 'fight well, fight well'." - Qing Dynasty Chen Gaomo's "Laughing Down"

Old Turtle

There was an old man , disliked people peeing in the corner outside his house, so he drew a turtle on the wall and wrote: "This is the one who urinates." There was a man who didn't see it and peed there again, and he happened to be bumped into by the old man. The old man pointed at the wall and cursed: "You are not blind, and you can't see!" The peeing man hurriedly replied: "I didn't see daddy here!" ——"Laughing Down" by Chen Gaomo of the Qing Dynasty

Stolen Bowl

A family entertained guests, and the table was mostly filled with bones, but little meat. The guest asked: "Is the bowl in the house stolen?" The host asked the reason in surprise, and the guest said: "I once heard my neighbor scolding: Who stole my bowl and used it to hold the bones!" - "Laughter" by Chen Gaomo, Qing Dynasty Pour》

Eating inside

The guests sat outside and didn’t leave when it was time to eat. The master then sneaked into the back room to eat. The guest said loudly outside: "What a living room, but it's a pity that many of the beams are damaged by insects!" After hearing this, the host hurriedly came out and asked, "Where is it?" The guest said, "He is eating inside, how can the outside know?" ——"Laughing Down" by Chen Gaomo of the Qing Dynasty

Kill higher

When a condemned prisoner was about to be beheaded, he said to the executioner: "You can kill as you wish, but I beg you to kill in front of me." The neck is slightly upward." The executioner asked why, and the death row prisoner replied: "I have a boil on my neck. Wouldn't it be more painful if I were killed on the boil?" ——Shi Chengjin, Qing Dynasty, "Laugh Well"

Official remarks

An official was very upset. The officer next to him saw it and said to his companions: "This bad guy is a dog-headed dog!" The word "guan" is hidden, and the word "brain" is hidden behind the second "dog", which is homophonic with "annoyance", so it implies the word "guananneng". Unexpectedly, the official heard it and was furious, shouting: "Why don't you say 'Libu Tian'er Zhuima'?" ——Shi Chengjin, Qing Dynasty, "Smiling Well"

Forget the Dragon Boat Festival

A teacher did not receive a boxing gift from his host during the Dragon Boat Festival, so he asked the student: "Why didn't your father give you a boxing gift?" The student went home and asked his father. The father said: "If you tell the teacher, you will say that the father has forgotten." The student replied to the teacher as the father said. The teacher said, "I'll give you a pair. If you don't get it right, I'll beat you." Then he said, "There are three heroes in the Han Dynasty: Zhang Liang, Han Xin, and Yuchi Gong." After beating him, he went back crying and told his father. The father said: "Go and tell the teacher that this pairing is wrong. Yu Chigong is from the Tang Dynasty, not the Han Dynasty." The student went back and reported to the teacher. The teacher asked back: "Your father remembers things thousands of years ago so clearly. Why did he forget it yesterday during the Dragon Boat Festival?" ——Shi Chengjin, Qing Dynasty, "Smiling Well"

The Monk Can't Stop Drinking

There was a monk in the temple who liked to drink. The master reprimanded and punished him many times. The drunken monks were very resentful, so they gathered together, painted their faces black, held wooden sticks, and forced the master to sit down and said: "We are all the incarnations of Ji Dian. Except for greed, anger, and ignorance, we have no taboos. What's the harm in eating some meat and wine?" He said, raising the stick and beating him. The master was so frightened that he fell to the ground to plead guilty, and from then on he could not stop drinking and eating. After the local government heard about this, they arrested the master of the monks and wanted to punish him. The master said: "I am willing to be punished by the master, but I dare not violate the teachings of the living Buddha!" ??- Qing Dynasty Huang Tujue's "Kanshan Pavilion Xianbi"

Ridiculous answer

Ming Dynasty From now on, questions in imperial examinations were generally drawn from the Four Books. For example, "The Analects of Confucius" records that Confucius said that he "established himself at thirty", which means that he could establish himself in society at the age of thirty. There was an exam with the topic "Standing at Thirty". One candidate began by saying: "The saint was fifteen years old, but he did not dare to sit down even though he had a chair or a bench." The Analects also said: "Zi Zhiyanju" , Shen Shen Ru Ye, Yao Yao Ru Ye.

"It means that Confucius was very comfortable and leisurely when he was living at home. Someone wrote an essay with these sentences as the title, and wrote at the beginning: "Remembering the sage's bird resting place, the armor stands out and the sky tilts the head. ——Fang Feihong of the Qing Dynasty, "Guangtanzhu"

Get Hard

In ancient times, when someone died, the family would make ingots of gold and silver paper and burn them to the deceased. It's called "Gold and Silver Ingots." There was a poor boy carrying a bunch of gold and silver ingots on his way. As he walked, he looked at the bunch of paper silver ingots and sighed: "If you can be tough, you will be useful to me!" Yin Ding smiled and said, "How can I be so hard?" Why don't you toughen up and let me do it? ” ——Fang Feihong, "Guangtanzhu" in the Qing Dynasty The purpose of putting these two sentences together is to prevent candidates from plagiarizing existing articles. The writing method focuses on the format of the article and ignores the original intention of the ancient sages as expressed in the original text of the scripture. There was such a method in the Ming Dynasty. The title is "The stick knocked on his embryo, the Quedang boy". "The stick knocked on his shin" comes from "The Analects of Confucius? Xianwen", and it says that Confucius used a cane to knock his old friend Yuan Rang on the calf. This chapter also comes from. But in another paragraph, it is said that a boy came to deliver a message to Confucius. Since the meanings of these two sentences are not connected, some candidates wrote in the transition paragraph: "When Confucius struck with his cane, the original soil was in unbearable pain; The second cane hit, Yuan Rang fell to the ground; the third cane hit, Yuan Rang died. The three souls were faint and the seven souls were long. Suddenly, a breeze blew and turned into a Quedang boy. ”

Someone also wrote an article titled “The king is lustful... He entrusts his wife to his friends”. This title is from "Mencius? King Hui of Liang"

The meanings of the two paragraphs are irrelevant. The original meaning of the first paragraph is probably: If the king likes beautiful women, then he should extend this love to the people so that men and women of the right age in the world can get married in time. This will be a good thing. : If one of the king's ministers wants to travel to the state of Chu and entrusts his wife and children to the care of a friend, and his wife and children are hungry and cold when he comes back, then you should not trust such a friend anymore. There is no connection, so someone wrote this topic first: "The king loves beautiful women, and does not enjoy them with his ministers, but enjoys them with the common people. This is because each of his ministers has a wife. ” Continuing the above article, he wrote: “The king’s ministers want to travel to the Chu Kingdom. Instead of entrusting their wives and children to the king, they entrust them to their friends. This is because he knows that the king is lustful. "——Zhang Peiren, Qing Dynasty, "Miao Xiang Shi Cong Hua"