An ambiguous joke

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"I have money, you don't, you should respect me. 」

"You have money is yours, why should I respect you? 」

"I'll give you a quarter of my money. Can you respect me? 」

"You only give me a quarter, why should I respect you? 」

"If I give you half? 」

"In that case, I have as much money as you, so why should I respect you? 」

"I will give you all my money. Can you respect me? 」

"What words! I had money then, but you didn't. How can I respect you? 」

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The secretary asked the boss, "Do you want me to write it down word by word?" The boss said gruffly.

A gruff answer: "I just said it, didn't you understand?" Now sit down, one word.

Write it down! 」

An hour later, this letter was typed, and it read as follows:

"Manager wang:

Damn, this guy's handwriting is so ugly! I don't know. Please ask the secretary to type!

I learned through letters. The parts you want to buy, hello, Xiao Li, the parts that Shengsheng Automobile Factory wants are

how much is it? Oh! Two thousand dollars? Ok, according to the accounting department of our company, it's 2500.

Hundred dollars, huh! This extra 500 yuan is a punishment for his scrawl. hope

Your order will be received soon.

Ok, you can get up, you are really unusual, my legs are numb! 」

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The son was carrying a big bag and said to his father, "I can't stand this family anymore."

Yes I want to leave, I want to go to that place where there is excitement and drinking every day.

There is a beautiful girl's life every day. Dad, under no circumstances can you stop me. 」

Hearing this, Dad quickly said, "Who stopped you? I'll prepare my luggage right away. "

You go together. 」

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A lifeguard protested to the tourists: I have been paying attention to you for three days, Mr. Wang, you

You can't pee in the swimming pool.

Mr. Wang: Everyone urinates in the swimming pool.

Lifeguard: That's right! Sir, but only you are standing on the springboard. ......

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Three surgeons are bragging about their medical skills …

Dr. A said, "I once helped a man connect his arm, and now he is the best on the baseball team."

Good pitcher. 」

Dr. B said, "That's nothing. I helped a man attach a leg, and now he. "

Already a world long-distance runner. 」

Dr. C said, "All this is nothing. I helped a fool smile.

Now he is an executive director of a country. 」

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Taiwan Province Province came to heaven with Japanese and Americans.

To test their loyalty to their country,

They were asked to find their leader from three masked men:

As soon as the Japanese saw the moustache under the mask, they shouted happily, Long live the Emperor.

As a result, Hitler took off his mask and the Japanese were sent to hell for ten days.

When Americans saw a fat man in a mask, they said it must be Clinton.

The result was Gerchin, so Americans were punished like the Japanese;

Finally, it was Taiwan Province Province's turn, only to see people in Taiwan Province Province confidently say "no need to turn around".

God was surprised to ask him why, and people in Taiwan Province Province proudly said:

"As long as the disorderly speak must be our president! ! "

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A drunk came home, climbed into bed to wake his wife and said, honey, our house is haunted!

His wife sat up and said, what did you say?

The drunk said, I just came back to go to the bathroom and the light came on as soon as I opened the door.

His wife said: Really?

He nodded hard and said, it's true!

His wife thought about it and said, do you still think there is a gust of wind blowing out?

He quickly said: Yes! How do you know that?

His wife slapped him hard and said:

Damn it! This is the third time you've been drunk and peed in the refrigerator!

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In order to improve his reputation, the president of a certain country decided to issue a printed matter on it.

Stamps with their own heads were issued for more than a month, and the president decided to go.

The post office checks the sales. .....

President: "What's the sales situation? 」

Employee: "Not bad ... except that some people often complain that they didn't stick it out ..."

President: "How? 」

After that, the president grabbed a stamp and spat on the back.

Water, stick to a piece of paper. ...

President: "Don't you think it's stuck firmly?" ! 」

Employee: "But ... everyone ... everyone ... vomits in front ..."

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Xiaoming chased Xiaohua for several years and proposed to her dozens of times.

Xiaohua finally agreed with him, but on one condition, the shoe box under the bed,

Unable to open it to see Xiaoming, she had to agree to her request. Five years passed in a hurry.

Xiaoming kept his promise and never called to see the shoebox again.

One day Xiaohua was not at home. Xiaoming couldn't help opening the box and found three eggs in it.

And 1200 yuan, Xiao Ming doesn't understand why he put eggs and money, so it's mysterious?

After Xiaohua came back, Xiaoming admitted peeking at the shoe box.

Xiaohua said, since you have seen the shoe box, I will tell you frankly.

I put an egg every time I cheat.

Xiao Ming thought that after five years of marriage, he only cheated twice. Forget it, it's all yours: then why did you put the money in?

Xiaohua: Whenever I collect a dozen eggs, I change them into money.

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Getting married was a mistake.

Having a baby was a mistake.

Divorce is-awakening.

Getting married after divorce is-paranoia.

What women hate about not getting married is-rubbish.

Getting married and having a boyfriend is a stunner.

Get married, have children, have girlfriends, and divorce is-damn it.

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Zhang Wu goes to the shoe store to buy shoes together.

Three pairs of * * * three hundred yuan

The boss thinks he should refund 50 yuan at a time to buy three pairs for three partners.

On the way, the gang thought 50 yuan was bad for three people, so they took 20 yuan.

Ten yuan for each person.

So three people, a pair of leather shoes 90 yuan.

90 * 3+20 yuan *** 290 yuan.

There are still ten dollars to go there.

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A woman in her twenties is like a football, with 20 people chasing her.

A woman in her thirties is like a blue ball, with 10 people chasing her.

A woman in her forties is like table tennis. Two people call each other.

Women in their fifties are like golf. Play as far away as possible.

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After the plane took off, the captain spoke to the passengers and forgot to turn off the microphone. he

He said to the co-pilot, "I'll take a shit first, and then fuck the new flight attendant."

When the stewardess heard the news, she hurried to the aisle to tell him that the microphone had been turned off.

But when I left, I accidentally fell down in the aisle, and there was an old man next to me.

The wife bowed her head and said to her, "Don't worry, honey, he said he would take a shit first."

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Two beggars went out to look for food, but they couldn't find it anywhere because of the cold weather.

Suddenly I saw a pile of vomit on the roadside. In desperation, I had to throw up.

When food lasts for a period of time

Beggar A had to eat vomit, but after eating the food, he felt queasy, and then

The food came out, and suddenly, I saw it.

Beggar b flies to eat vomit,

Beggar a asked doubtfully, why didn't you eat when I told you to eat just now, and now you eat again?

Beggar B replied: Because it's cold, I prefer hot food! !

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A neat man walked into a restaurant, ordered food and sat down.

After a while, he suddenly saw a waiter coming with his order.

I can't believe I put my thumb in the plate.

He felt sick at once, and he managed not to have an attack.

Later, when the same waiter served it, he actually put his hand into the dish.

Finally, he finished his meal. He decided to report the waiter to the manager.

Of course, the manager also felt unsanitary and flew into a rage.

Just call this waiter and ask.

However, the waiter explained, "Sorry, I hurt my thumb.

The doctor said to keep warm at all times, which is why I did it. "But this.

The neat man was still very unhappy and said to him, "Do you want to keep warm?"

Put your hand in your ass! "Speaking of which, the waiter hurried back.

Answer: "yes, I just put my hand in my ass when I wasn't serving." 」

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One day, the little camel asked his father, "Dad, why do we have humps on our backs?"

"Because we need to store fat and water when crossing the desert! ! "Father camel said.

Then why do we have eyelashes?

"Because the desert is windy and dusty, it can protect our eyes! ! 」

"Then why do we have meat pads under our feet?" The little camel asked again.

"It's easier to cross the desert! ! "Father Camel said proudly!

Finally, the little camel asked, "That. . . . Then what are we doing in the zoo now? "

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One day, a rabbit jumped into the drugstore and asked

Rabbit: Boss, do you sell carrots?

The boss replied with a smile, no.

The next day, the rabbit jumped in and asked

Rabbit: Boss, do you sell carrots?

Boss: No! ! ! the third day

The rabbit jumped in again and asked if there were any carrots.

Boss: We didn't sell it! !

If you come in and ask me again, I'll cut off your ear! !

The fourth day, the rabbit jumped in and asked the rabbit, boss, do you sell scissors?

Boss: No!

Rabbit: Do you sell carrots?

Boss:! @#$%%^

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Dr. zhang worked as a counselor in a famous magazine on children's education, and one afternoon he got off work.

When he got home, Mrs. Lin, a neighbor, caught him and said, Today my problem children is disobedient, thanks to it.

Your magazine is a great help to me.

Dr. zhang proudly asked: Which issue is it?

Mrs. Lin shook her head and said, I don't know which issue it is! I just flipped through your magazine,

Give him a good beating and see if he dares to make trouble.

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There is a four-story apartment. ....

There are four people living in a strange place. ....

Stark on the first floor loves cucumbers. ..

Mozart on the second floor likes to paint everything green ... equipment ... everything.

Abinstein on the third floor has a bad habit and always likes to pee on the balcony. ...

Jane on the fourth floor loves sports and always plays with broadswords on the balcony. ...

One day. ...

Jane on the fourth floor accidentally loosened her hand while playing with a broadsword. ...

I dropped the knife. ...

It happened that Abeinstein on the third floor was peeing. ...

....

Mozart on the second floor picked it up and painted it green. ...

I saw it on the first floor and thought it was a cucumber, so I ate it. ....

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

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The longest is six months.

In the adult education class, students are asked to think carefully and answer the following questions: "What if?"

Tell you for sure, the earth will be destroyed in six months, and all life will disappear.

What would you do? "After a few minutes of meditation, a student raised his hand.

"What would you do?"

The student quickly replied, "I will let my mother-in-law move in with us."

"Can't you? Live with your mother-in-law? "

"This is what I want to do most, because it will be the longest and most difficult thing in my life.

Six months. "

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Enthusiastic embarrassment

Xiao Wang saw the beautiful new lady standing in front of the shredder with a puzzled face, so he enthusiastically

Go up and ask if you need help. The young lady said, "Oh, by the way, how to use this thing?"

And then what? "Wang took the paper from the lady, put it in the shredder and began to demonstrate.

Operation, but miss is still a full face of doubt. So Xiao Wang asked again, "Is there anything you don't understand?

"Miss said," Yes, where did that copy come from? "

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Walk around and start over.

Lao Wang was resting under a tree, and Lao Li came up to him and said, "Hey, why don't you go up the mountain to cut wood?" old

The king said, "Why?" Lao Li said:

"Good selling money. Selling donkeys can buy donkeys and then sell firewood from door to door. Buy a truck after earning money,

Then buy a wood factory to sell wood products, and buy more trucks, and you can make a fortune. "Asked Lao wang.

"What did you do when you got rich?" Lao Li replied: "If you make a fortune, you can enjoy happiness with peace of mind." old

Wang said, "What do you think I'm doing now?"

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ancestors

A: "I heard that our ancestors didn't have electricity, tape recorders or color TVs at that time. How do they live? "

Live broadcast? "

B: "So they are all dead."

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The smartest person

There are four people on the plane to Guam, namely the Prime Minister and the professor.

The priest and a student plus five drivers.

Unfortunately, the plane broke down while flying over the airport.

But there are only four parachutes on the plane.

First of all, the pilot grabbed a jump.

Then the prime minister said, I am the best person, so I can't die, so I jumped with one.

Then the professor said, I am the smartest person, and I must keep my useful body.

So I grabbed my parachute and jumped.

At this time, there is only one parachute left. What should we do?

The priest said to the students: I am close to heaven, so you can run away and leave me alone.

The pupil said: No, we still have two sets of parachutes! Because the smartest person just now

Jumped off with a schoolbag on his back. ....

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habit

W: I have a bad habit. I hope you can tolerate it.

I never wear the same dress twice.

M: I also have a bad habit, which I hope you can tolerate.

I never take the same woman out twice.

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Rough and careless

Xiao Fang, who has always been careless, works in the campus library, helping to clean and water the flowers.

She always spills the books beside her when watering the flowers, and it takes about a week for things to get better.

She carefully watered a pot of bright flamingos and saw the teacher in charge of the library standing

Staring at her, she thought the teacher would praise her for being more and more careful. As a result, the teacher said to Xiao Fang with a straight face:

"You are a plastic flower now. 」

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bat

Unfortunately, a western child was broken, and the child was innocent and naturally went to heaven!

God saw it and said, what a lovely child! Blonde hair, blue eyes and white skin. Come on, give you a pair of wings.

Be an angel! ....

Another oriental child was unfortunately fractured. When God saw it, he said, "What a lovely child!" heitou

Black eyes and yellow skin, come on, give you a pair of wings to be an angel! ....

Not long after, an African child was unfortunately broken. God saw it and said, what a lovely child.

! Black hair, eyes and skin. Come on, give you a pair of wings to make a ... bat ...!

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Father and mother

After lunch, colleagues chatted in the office, talking about their new colleague Jenny, who lost her mother when she was a child.

Four sisters have lived abroad for many years, all of whom were brought up by her father. They are really good fathers who are both fathers and mothers.

Unexpectedly, Jenny, who had a rest, was educated in English and knew a little Chinese. She ran angrily and said:

Would you please stop calling my father "Fujian sow"? 」

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Mr. He is next door. ..

Lao Zhang married a blonde abroad and gave birth to four children in succession, all with dark hair and oriental faces.

The fifth pregnancy, when the nurse carried the baby out, it was a little doll with red hair. When Lao Zhang saw it,

He was very angry and immediately asked his wife, "Whose child is this?" Definitely not mine. 」

His wife said aggrieved, "Really, I swear it must be yours. 」

After several days of dispute after discharge, his wife was really uncomfortable and whispered to Lao Zhang:

"To tell you the truth! The fifth one is really your child, only the other four.

Their father is Mr. He next door!

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Father and husband

The woman in labor asked the doctor, "Can my husband be there when I am born?" 」

The doctor replied, "I absolutely agree that my father was there to watch his baby be born." 」

That would be trouble. The father of the child and my husband have been at odds. 」

The mother said uneasily.