"Failure is the mother of success": I found the father of success to talk about how to succeed from the perspective of the original family

I saw a joke on the Internet:

Question: "Failure is the mother of success." Who is the father of success?

Answer: Transfer 10 yuan to me, and you have successfully "paid".

When I heard "Failure is the mother of success" when I was a child, I also had this question. I couldn't figure out the reason at the time.

If we answer seriously, who should be the father of success? After thinking about it for a long time, one word flashed in my mind: persistence.

Just like "Failure is the mother of success", "Perseverance leads to success" is another wise saying that has been lingering in our ears since childhood, so persistence is not an exaggeration as the "father of success". Failure is also considered a "match".

Now that the family is here, I want to explore how a person can succeed from the perspective of his family of origin.

Some domestic scholars have concluded that problematic families in China generally exist based on such an equation: absent father + anxious mother = disobedient children. I will use this equation to interpret successful “original families.”

What does success without persistence look like in the end?

The experiences of the three people are very similar. They became famous at a young age but ended up being "lost to everyone". From the perspective of family and society, all three of them entered college out of the norm. Although their IQs are superior, their minds are immature and their interpersonal relationships and mental health are lacking. Both Xie Yanbo and Gan Zheng suffered tragedies due to interpersonal relationships. Ning Bo was forced to study a theoretical physics major that he didn't like, which damaged his interest and self-confidence.

From their own point of view, many honors in their youth can be obtained easily, which makes them mistakenly think that this is success. However, temporary success does not mean anything. It can only mean that at this moment, you are very successful. It’s awesome, but after that, if you don’t persist, the consequences will be obvious.

In addition, according to long-term follow-up surveys by American sociologists, there are very few people in the world who win big lottery tickets with a "good ending". The best ending is to return to their original shape after many years, and this kind of " "Happy endings" are still rare.

Without going through wind and rain, there is no way to get a rainbow. It is probably just a dream to see a rainbow directly.

Just like most families, if a child lacks his father's company when growing up, it will have a great impact on the child. Those successes that come easily and do not require persistence can only end in nothing.

Persistence is the most practical supervision and testimony of success, just as a father needs to participate and contribute in the growth of his child.

Failure is a vehicle for anxiety. Many people worry too much about failure. Facing the anxious "mother" of failure, success is often avoided.

But persistence is not enough. We must also pay enough attention and love to the frustrated "mother" of failure, and treat the gains and losses caused by failure seriously and correctly.

The British novelist Somerset Maugham once said: "A person who becomes discouraged at the first blow will always be a loser."

The general psychological process when people experience failure is: denial and avoidance - admitting failure - reflection and summary

Denial and avoidance: Denial and avoidance are particularly obvious in children. A 5-year-old child lost a game of chess with his mother and cried loudly. He refused to admit that he had lost and was angry with his mother for several days in a row. A 9-year-old primary school student with excellent academic performance did not want to go to school because he failed in a test because he could not go back to school. Face teachers and classmates.

It is worth noting that many adults are still stuck in this stage. When faced with failure, they always deny and avoid it, and use some methods of "roiling around". However, when facing "mother", The effect of gossiping and wallowing can only be temporary.

Admit failure: The first step to get rid of the negative impact of failure is to admit failure. Only by accepting the fact that you have not succeeded for the time being can you have the motivation to continue working hard.

Reflection and summary: Only with motivation can we reflect and summarize the experience of the last failure. Didn’t Edison also use more than 1,600 heat-resistant materials and more than 6,000 plant fiber materials to finally improve the electric light? , invented the tungsten incandescent lamp?

Therefore, failure itself is meaningless, only the interpretation of failure is meaningful, and success is not a simple accumulation of failures, but the summary and transcendence of failures.

Failure to recognize this will lead to the absurd conclusion that "the more you fail, the more successful you will be."

Don't be "short-minded" and think that as long as you persist to the end, you will definitely succeed. Only by facing failure squarely and interpreting it correctly can we gain anything. For mothers, as fathers, they should pay enough attention and affirmation as husbands, and should not just focus on work and making money.

No persistence + anxiety about failure = no success. Like family relationships, success requires persistence and failure together. Nothing is that simple, let alone raising a child.

The establishment of every new family is inseparable from the joint efforts of both parents. For children, the tenderness of their parents will become a source of motivation for them to move forward. On the contrary, neglect and violence towards children will cause trauma that will affect the children throughout their lives.

Edward Tronick, a professor of psychology at the University of Manchester, conducted a very famous experiment-the still face experiment.

At the beginning of the experiment, the mother and her one-year-old baby interacted enthusiastically, using different expressions to match the baby's intentions. The baby pointed to different places, and the mother looked in that direction. The baby was very happy.

Then, the mother began to stop giving any feedback to the baby, and her face was expressionless. The baby noticed the mother's abnormality and wanted to attract the mother's attention.

The baby continued to try to interact with the mother, smiling at the mother and pointing into the distance, but the mother still did not respond.

In less than 2 minutes, the baby received no feedback, began to feel impatient, seemed to be under great pressure, and finally collapsed and cried.

Through this experiment we can clearly see that different reactions have completely different effects on children. If you interact positively and positively, your child will play happily with you; if you don't care about it with an expressionless face, your child will soon start crying.

Children who are often neglected or even abused will develop other ways of self-soothing over time - sucking fingers, hitting things, ignoring parents, etc. These behaviors are called "disobedient children" in the eyes of us adults. Some adults still maintain this approach, which is the only way they can feel calm under the attack of fear.

Nowadays, many parents have begun to learn knowledge about parenting and psychology, which is good. However, many parents report that after learning so much knowledge, their children are still disobedient.

Just as many people have failed to learn things successfully after listening to them, the reason is that knowledge is always just knowledge. It is just a tool and cannot do anything for you, whether it is your own or yours. A child is an independent individual. In addition to exams, we learn knowledge to change ourselves, not to imitate success or change our children.

Maybe you will ask: I have never given up and I am not afraid of failure, but I just haven’t succeeded. Why?

Judging from the standard normal distribution chart of IQ, true geniuses only account for 2.14%. In other words, most of us and most children are ordinary people after all.

Mao Buyi also sang in the song: "How many people are there in the world who are unwilling to be ordinary like me."

Sometimes we are not unsuccessful, but rejecting ordinary.

In order to get rid of the ordinary, everyone works hard for fear of being caught up by others, because if you don’t make progress, you will be regressing.

In order to help children get rid of the ordinary, plan their learning courses and goals from an early age, because we cannot let our children lose at the "starting line".

Why should we be afraid of being ordinary? After finally accepting this, why do we give our children extraordinary expectations?

When a child performs well, give attention and praise; otherwise, it is disappointment and urgent demands that cannot be concealed.

Children can feel this kind of "prejudice" keenly. In order to gain recognition and praise, children will try their best to do everything well. However, children can easily form a perception: My value comes from other people's. affim. This is not a good thing

However, who says that ordinary people are mediocre and have no achievements?

Even if we live an ordinary life, we can still make some changes within the scope of operation and create some differences.

When we devote ourselves to the things we like and release our charm and abilities;

When we enjoy loving and being loved, and being nourished in relationships;

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When we accept our ordinaryness and seek our true selves...

These moments will make our ordinary life full of extraordinary experiences.

When Ning Bo participated in "Tell the Truth", he criticized "prodigy education" and expressed a completely negative attitude. I heard that he later returned to lay life and started doing psychological counseling. In fact, whether he is a child prodigy, a monk, or receiving psychological counseling, it is a different experience for him.

Whether it is ordinary or extraordinary, the future will only be an unknown adventure.

On your ordinary road, light up fireworks of different colors, that is success.

PS: Regarding who the father of success is, I hesitated between "persistence" and "diligence". In the end, I thought persistence had a wider scope, so I chose it. Do you think the father of success is "persistence" or "diligence"? Or do you have your own opinions? Welcome to discuss with me in the comment area.

About the author: Dream as Horse, a post-90s psychological counselor, shares what he sees, hears, thinks and feels from a psychological perspective.