Weibo's funny quotations

1. I heard the most powerful swearing words, "Zombies opened your brain and left in disappointment, but dung beetles passing by brightened up!"

I once saw that nonsense joke with my girlfriend, saying that your boyfriend made you angry, so you slapped him while he was asleep and then talked in your sleep. I didn't dare to sleep for a night, and I was always on my guard for fear of being slapped in the face for no reason. And I got slapped. "Who are you staring at when you stay up at night?"

Grandpa goat has a bumper harvest of cabbage. Please ask the little white rabbit and the little black rabbit for help. After harvesting the cabbage, Grandpa Goat gave two rabbits some cabbage, and the little black rabbit got the cabbage and left. The little white rabbit said, Grandpa, I don't want cabbage. Please send me some rapeseed. The next year, the white rabbit starved to death before the cabbage grew. The little black rabbit finished eating his own cabbage, just as the little white rabbit's cabbage was ripe, so he picked it up and fattened himself up.

I used to think it was cool to go to nightclubs, get tattoos and make holes. Later, I found that these things are not difficult at all, and I can do them if I want to. What is cooler should be things that are not easy to do, such as reading to make money, which are boring for ordinary people.

5. I was in an Internet cafe with my friends. The Internet cafe has a song ordering system, so I ordered a national anthem! When the music started, several friends sang specially, and slowly the whole Internet cafe was boiling! The climax was when the police came to check, and when I entered the room, I saw 100 people singing the national anthem. I'm blue in the face!

6. There is a pancake fruit stand near the company, which is delicious. All my colleagues like it, and I am also a frequent visitor. When I arrived at his booth, there was only one child. I asked him: where is your father? The child turned around and shouted: Dad, come back quickly, there are five big customers of eggs coming. ...

7. I received a phone call one morning, and I was already working. I don't seem to know the number. I said politely, "Hello ..." A man's voice across the street said, "Little L, are you up?" At that time, I was startled and stammered, "Get up, get up ..." "Oh, get up? Come to the old place ""huh? " "Come and get the courier!" Shit, the courier brother is too big!

I, Woody Sakura, will let you know what a magical girl is today.

9. In the evening, my roommate and her male ticket went out for a walk, and suddenly it began to rain, so her male ticket took off her coat and covered her body to keep out the rain. Ah, that sounds good. But straight men will never live up to everyone's expectations. Roommate male ticket: Hey, does it look like a dragon dance to you?

10. I was cheated by telecom 10, and I didn't get a penny back. Today, the police station informed me that I must attend the seminar on fraud prevention held by them, because I am a typical case.

1 1. If anyone loses a pig, my mother will point at me …

12. You have at least 20 Jin of fat, which is obtained by the word "don't waste".

13. Really, a little girl can play LOL, but don't watch the live broadcast, otherwise other little girls are "knocking cute" and you say "thieves are cute"; The other little girls said, "Don't mess with me." You said, "I'm your father. Have you been playing me? " ; Other little girls say "this is beautiful" and you say "this is the sexiest fucking thing". I lost at the starting line.

14. As soon as I returned to China, I was dragged by my family to eat at various relatives and friends' houses. A 5-year-old sister sat next to me and insisted on giving me a riddle, asking me what fancy clothes I was wearing and how I could tell the time. I thought about it and replied: MacRae.

15. As soon as I returned to China, I was dragged by my family to eat at various relatives and friends' houses. A 5-year-old sister sat next to me and insisted on giving me a riddle, asking me what fancy clothes I was wearing and how I could tell the time. I thought about it and replied: MacRae.

16. Sangu: Where did you go to work after graduation? Me: Granny Six of Ionian Adam ADC: This English sounds like a Fortune 500 company, not bad!

17. People often ask, "How do you know so much?" In fact, I don't know anything about it at all. I said frankly and without affectation: I just took my own answer.

18. Classmates and girlfriends have a good relationship and often show love. Later, he was imprisoned for committing a crime. Facing his girlfriend who cried into tears, he pretended to be calm and said, "Don't wait for me, find a good man to marry!" " A few years later, my classmate was released to go home. Seeing his girlfriend cooking at home, he was too moved to speak. "Son, what are you doing? Call mom. " His father reminded me.

19. I had a stubborn temper when I was a child. Being beaten by my father, I never cried or escaped. It's the kind of deadpan. I made a mistake once. It turned out that he hit me with slippers. I didn't cry or make trouble. He was very angry and went into the bathroom to copy the guy. After searching for a long time, I took out something that went through the toilet. I thought he was going to suck my head with that thing, so I laughed. Then my dad beat me to tears with the wooden pole of that thing.

20. There are so many people who think they are great. I wonder who gave you courage, Fish Leong or Liang Guang?

2 1. When I was traveling, I went to a temple, and a solemn monk put his hands together: the donor's seal was hidden, and I was afraid of being worried. Buy a jade Buddha that I personally opened to protect myself. Me: No, thanks. Monk: The donor looks pale. I still have beads to keep him safe. Let's get on well with him. Me: I really don't need it. I look terrible because I'm tired. Have a rest. Monk: The hotel owner across the street has a Buddhist relationship with me. Why don't I take the benefactor to rest … both formal and informal … I: …

22. Hillary: What do you mean by letting the three major indexes go up? ! Wall Street: Nothing interesting. Hillary: Didn't we agree that rotten men would plummet when they were elected? Wall Street: Didn't it plummet last night? Hillary: Does that count? Wall Street: You didn't say it would continue to fall the next day. Hillary: Didn't we agree that you all supported me? Wall Street: We have no political inclination. We support the American people. Hillary: Why don't you play by the rules! Wall Street: Leave me alone! You are not the president.

23. It is not that the person you like doesn't like you, but that you must like the person who doesn't like you.

This morning, when I was on the bus, a man's cell phone rang behind me. "Take me, old driver, I want to go to Kunming, old driver. . . "I turned to look at him and said," Brother, you have the same taste as me, and so does my ringtone. " He touched the back of his head and smiled shyly. . . Just arrived at the door of the company, my colleague said to me, "didn't you bring your mobile phone?" I called you just now, why didn't you answer? "I touched my pocket, damn it. . .

25. Go to eat mala Tang, the boss's son is very cute, and I am satisfied. I just played with him heartlessly, and the boss saw it and shook his head. Daughter-in-law shouted to come back quickly. As soon as she left the door, the boss chased her out with a knife. I: Sorry, I forgot to pay, but six dollars is not enough, is it? Boss: No money, put my son down!

26. Since Wang became Green, the secretary has been looking for opportunities to travel. In the evening, he called his wife and talked a few words. His wife said, "Go to bed early! I'm so tired today ... "Secretary:" How can I listen to others in my room? " Wife: "I'm a little scared of your business trip." I invited my best friend Yu Qing to accompany me. What's wrong? " Don't believe me, otherwise, I'll talk to Jade Qing. Secretary: "No, I believe you. Go to bed early!" " "After putting the phone down, the director looked at the sleeping rain and sunny around him, smoked all night, and then fell ill. This story tells us that smoking is harmful to health.

Dad accepted the reality with the help of the police after he was stolen 8000 yuan.

28. I watched the video today and saw Pheasant and Haonan singing on the same stage. The audience was full of people. I think all the people who went to the concert were fake fans, because all the real fans were in prison.

29. My female colleague asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend and meet her parents. I asked her, what preparations should I make? She thought about it and told me with a smile, don't be prepared, be free and easy, and laugh more, just like you usually do. It's just a formality anyway. They will force me to break up when they see you, and this matter will be ok!

30. I went to Hangzhou a few days ago and walked to the statue of "mother-in-law's tattoo". I heard a middle-aged man say, "My mother-in-law can, but my mother can't." A circle of tourists on the side instantly quieted down.