Dialogue in the script of the sketch "Kung Fu"

2005 Spring Festival Gala Sketch "Kung Fu" (Zhao Benshan, Fan Wei, Cai Weili, Wang Xiaohu) Lines:

Zhao Benshan: I heard that he was not a chef but changed the anti-scam hotline, and he actually felt threatened. If I don't get deceived anymore, the cruel reality will hit my psychological defense line. If I don't sell him something this year, I won't be able to fulfill the three-year promise to the audience!

Cai Weili: Master, let’s go in.

Zhao Benshan: Don’t worry, make a harassing call first!

Fan Wei: Hello, this is the see you, see you, anti-fooling consultation hotline. I am Lao Fan, who has been deceived myself. With many years of experience in being deceived, I can make a judgment on whether you have been deceived. Make a clear judgment. ~~~If someone is selling crutches, please press 1; if someone is selling a car, please press 2; if someone is selling a brain teaser, please press 3; if someone is selling a stretcher, please dial 110!

Zhao Benshan: Hello!

Fan Wei: Hello!

Zhao Benshan: Are you Master Fan?

Fan Wei: Ah~who are you?

Zhao Benshan: I ~~~ have a question that I would like to ask you directly.

Fan Wei: Ah, you say it!

Zhao Benshan: We have an old sow in our family, with white flowers on the black ground. When she got up in the morning, she opened the pen door and ran forward at a speed of 80 miles per hour. She hit a tree and died!

Fan Wei: Killed? Is there something wrong with this pig’s eyesight?

Zhao Benshan: Both eyes are 1.5!

Fan Wei: Is there any mental illness?

Zhao Benshan: I am mentally healthy now!

Fan Wei: How could he be killed?

Zhao Benshan: Because that pig doesn’t know how to do brain teasers!

Fan Wei: I said you are not very particular. You don’t play cards according to the routine. You have to press 3 to play brain teasers. In this case, I also have a question!

Zhao Benshan: You say it!

Fan Wei: It’s the Chinese New Year. Our family didn’t buy anything for the New Year. We only have one pig and one donkey left. Do you think I should kill the pig first or the donkey first?

Zhao Benshan: Then kill first~~ Give you two a chance!

Cai Weili: Donkey meat is delicious! Kill the donkey first!

Zhao Benshan: Kill the donkey first!

Fan Wei: Congratulations on your correct answer, the pig thought so too! ~~~Small,~~~~Humph!

Zhao Benshan: Sad, I really feel sad for you. You are about to go out on your own. How can I feel relieved?

Wang Xiaohu: Master, kill the pig first!

Zhao Benshan: That donkey thinks so too! Let me tell you, on this issue, it won’t work if you kill anyone first! Why didn't I answer? It was because I had a problem considering him! ~~Hey, did you see it? He has grown from one neck to two calves!

Cai Weili: Master, he is so powerful. I think we should go back!

Zhao Benshan: No, I tricked him into lameness by selling crutches, and tricked him into lameness by selling cars. If I don’t get rid of him within 10 minutes, I won’t be able to be a teacher with you two!

Cai Weili and Wang Xiaohu: The master leads us in, but it’s all about the individual!

Zhao Benshan: Okay, follow my cues and go in! He's so beautiful. Look, haha, he's still running away. Where are he going?

Cai Weili: Is Chef Fan here?

Fan Wei: Hey, who? You consult ~~~ Oh, oh oh ah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Heaven and earth, heaven and earth, which angel sister said this for me?

The pig hit the tree, you hit the pig, didn't you rear-end it? Why did it change to 3 again?

Zhao Benshan: For three years, I have missed you so much!

Fan Wei: Fooling!

Zhao Benshan: I am here to confess to you!

Fan Wei: Then lie!

Zhao Benshan: My apprentice will testify!

Cai Weili, Wang Xiaohu: Yes!

Fan Wei: I am here to form a group to deceive you. It’s a big deception. As long as we kind people are more vigilant against you, what else can you do? ah? Aren’t there just a few brain teasers! There is 1 monkey on the ground and 7 monkeys on the tree. That’s two monkeys and 8 monkeys at the same time!

Zhao Benshan: Maybe three monkeys, maybe 9 monkeys!

Fan Wei: Why has it changed again?

Zhao Benshan: A monkey is pregnant!

Fan Wei: Is it interesting?

Zhao Benshan: That’s not interesting. I’m not giving you a brain teaser in the early stages. I’m here to apologize to you! For three years, the person I feel most sorry for in this world is Chef Fan. What a good person. I often tell you, why do you think I deceived him? How loyal and honest! You hit me twice, but you can’t do it; you scold me twice, but you can’t open your mouth. In this way, I will come anyway if you forgive me, and I will come if you don’t forgive me. I will show my sincerity whether you forgive me or not. Where you come from!

Fan Wei: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s still a shop!

Zhao Benshan: Pick me up!

Fan Wei: Yeah, yeah, I can stand up. I’m not sick. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, take two steps, take two steps, eh, eh, eh, aren’t you? Everyone is watching, whatever accident happens has nothing to do with me! Why are you so dazed? Stand up quickly! If you have anything to do, please tell me quickly, okay?

Zhao Benshan: Do you want to hear it?

Fan Wei: I want to hear it!

Zhao Benshan: Do you believe it after listening to it?

Fan Wei: I will believe you as long as you stand up!

Zhao Benshan: You retreat, I can stand up!

Fan Wei: Say it!

Zhao Benshan: It’s a long story. I remember it was the first snow in 2003, which came a little later than 2002!

Fan Wei: What are you doing with the lyrics! If you have anything to say, just say it!

Zhao Benshan: I won’t play tricks with you anymore. I will apologize to you today and ship the goods! Does it look familiar?

Fan Wei: Is this the hundreds of dollars you defrauded me of?

Zhao Benshan: Not a penny has been touched!

Fan Wei: Which watch is this?

Zhao Benshan: I haven’t written a single word since I held it in my hand!

Fan Wei: Big brother! ! ~~

Zhao Benshan: The grudge between the two of us should be settled, and it is the wheelchair that is the culprit that has delayed the relationship between the two of us in the past few years. Today I must deal with it in front of you. smash!

Wang Xiaohu: Master, you can’t smash it!

Cai Weili: Master, this wheelchair is a testament to your brothers’ reconciliation!

Zhao Benshan: Don’t talk nonsense, I, you can’t stop me!

Fan Wei: Brother, if you want to hit me, just hit me. Brother, you are so sincere. The children are right! It is not only a testimony of our reconciliation, but also a warning for me to avoid being fooled in the future. I have collected it!

Zhao Benshan: No, how can you collect what the children paid me to make?

Fan Wei: I will give you how much it costs!

Zhao Benshan: How much does it cost?

Cai Weili: Two thousand!

Fan Wei: I will pay two thousand!

Zhao Benshan: I’ll give you two thousand five hundred!

Fan Wei: Three thousand for me!

Zhao Benshan: Three thousand and five for me!

Fan Wei: Four thousand for me!

Zhao Benshan: Five thousand for me!

Fan Wei: Deal!

Zhao Benshan: Install it for Chef Fan.

Fan Wei: You shouted for five thousand, and I got the hammer. It’s a deal!

Zhao Benshan: No! You remember wrongly, why did you shout?

Cai Weili: I heard it was Chef Fan who shouted it!

Wang Xiaohu: No! It was the master who shouted!

Fan Wei: Look!

Zhao Benshan: It’s a mess, it’s a mess! That's it, it doesn't matter who shouted it! Look, let’s go together. Who shouted first?

Fan Wei: I shouted first!

Zhao Benshan: How much did you shout?

Fan Wei: Two thousand for me!

Zhao Benshan: I am 2500!

Fan Wei: 3000!

Zhao Benshan: 3500!

Fan Wei: 4000!

Zhao Benshan: 4500!

Fan Wei: 5000!

Zhao Benshan: Look!

Fan Wei: No, I will do it myself!

Zhao Benshan: Then you are in trouble!

Fan Wei: Don’t say, 2000 2500 3000 3500 4000 4500 5000!

Zhao Benshan: Yes!

Fan Wei: Oh,

Wang Xiaohu: I remembered wrongly, it was the master who shouted!

Fan Wei: No, no, brother, I shouted 4,000, but you just shouted 5,000, right? Right?

Audience: Yes! ! approximately ? that! ~~What’s the starting price?

Cai Weili: 2000!

Fan Wei: I am 2000!

Zhao Benshan: Deal! No more chaos this time!

Fan Wei: No, why don’t you call up?

Zhao Benshan: Yes, I’m afraid of causing chaos!

Fan Wei: Ah! Don't move, this wheelchair is mine!

Zhao Benshan: Let me tell you, brother, logically speaking, I shouldn’t ask you for money. You still want to save face. You should take care of others, but~~

Fan Wei: But I was fooled if I gave it to you!

Zhao Benshan: Let me tell you, I didn’t think about it at the beginning~~

Fan Wei: Hey, hey, hey, it was changed to rob it, right?

Zhao Benshan: You got it wrong!

Fan Wei: Stop pretending. From the moment you entered the house, you have used the bitter meat tactic, the common tactic in case of capture, the master and apprentice cooperation to smash the car, and the sharp and confused tactic to suddenly drop the hammer. I only use A plan!

Zhao Benshan: Follow the plan!

Fan Wei: I’ll give you a trick!

Zhao Benshan: The best strategy is to leave!

Fan Wei: No!

Zhao Benshan: It failed. Do you know why it failed? He's a chef who doesn't read the recipes but only reads the art of war. Get out!

Cai Weili, Wang Xiaohu: Master! ! ! ~~~~~~~~~

Zhao Benshan: What are you doing? Where are you kneeling? I’m here!

Wang Xiaohu: Master, I’m so sorry, your IQ is so low, I can’t learn anything from you!

Cai Weili: What should you do? Just leave quickly. You won’t be able to catch the No. 2 bus in a while!

Zhao Benshan: Sad!

Cai Weili and Wang Xiaohu: The master is here, and I bow to my disciple!

Zhao Benshan: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! The world is so crazy that even mice become bridesmaids to cats! Oh my god!

Cai Weili, Wang Xiaohu: Master, please accept us!

Fan Wei: Hey, hey, hey, children, there is no limit to the book, but when you turn around, it will be a good thing. Just study well. I will give you red envelopes during the Chinese New Year, ah, give you red envelopes!

Zhao Benshan: Can you ask for this money? Didn't I pay you two wages last month? Sad, indeed sad!

Fan Wei: Come on, one for each person, take it!

Cai Weili, Wang Xiaohu: Thank you, Master!

Cai Weili, Wang Xiaohu: Master, take it!

Zhao Benshan: Hahaha, counter-annihilation plan!

Fan Wei: Oh, it’s hard to guard against it! But I don’t accept your big deceit.

You are fooling me around, am I still in a wheelchair?

Zhao Benshan: What do you want?

Fan Wei: Where is your promise? Where is your stretcher?

Zhao Benshan: Develop it yourself!

Fan Wei: Hey!

Zhao Benshan: This is custom-made for you. If it is short, it can be lengthened!

Fan Wei: Oh, you worked so hard for me, thanks to my outsmarting you and opening the red envelope!

Zhao Benshan: Huh?

Fan Wei: It’s Chinese New Year, and I’d like to send you a couplet: “Every year brings about a year’s worth of fate, and you gain wisdom after a hard time. Thank you!”

Zhao Benshan: I’ll give you another couplet. I’ll give you a side note: “Self-taught”!