Find some jokes

A certain star (confident appearance): Do you believe that I only sleep for one hour a day?

Reporter: So what did you do in the other twenty-three hours?

Celebrity (shy): dozing off.

1. I didn’t climb up several times

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home after working the night shift. Because I was in a hurry, I took a shortcut and passed by a cemetery. I didn't know who dug a big hole next to the cemetery, and this person happened to fall into the hole. He climbed up desperately, but he couldn't climb up no matter how hard he climbed. At this time, another person passed by and fell into the hole. That person also climbed up desperately. At this time, the person who fell into the hole first patted the person. The human shoulder said, don’t bother, I’ve climbed several times before I could climb up. The man yelled, jumped out of the hole, and ran away.

18 consequences of drinking (funny)

Theoretically, more than 90% of people will get drunk once before they are thirty years old. As for the appearance after drunkenness, it can be said that the variety is complete and varied, making people laugh...

Today, let us take a look at the various appearances after drunkenness.

1: I want to count the stars

At the end of the year party at work, a colleague who is usually very calm drank so much that his eyes were bloodshot. Seeing that the situation was not good, the leader quickly asked me to send him home. But when I reached out to hail a taxi, my colleague refused to get in. Instead, he sat happily on the edge of the road. He raised his head and said majestically to the sky: "Who said there are countless stars in the sky? I will count them all tonight!"

2: Stop the police car

One time at dinner, a buddy was a little drunk, but he seemed sober, so everyone ignored him. When the dinner was over, these guys suddenly rushed to the middle of the road, reached out and stopped a 110 police car that was patrolling, then opened the door and shouted to the policeman sitting inside: I know your car is traveling one kilometer a mile, (Qingdao (The taxi price is one yuan per kilometer) But you don’t need to write it in such a big letter for me to see. You think I am short-sighted...

3: Business is really good

When I went to a restaurant to eat, a buddy went to the restroom on the way. When he came back, he told us mysteriously:

"The business in this hotel is so good that there are even two tables in the restroom!"

While everyone was wondering, a group of people rushed over, grabbed the guys and wanted to beat them. Of course we stopped and asked them: "He didn't provoke you, why did you beat him?" "Why did you beat him? We were eating well, but this guy came to our private room I peed in the car and left.”

4: The car leaked oil

There was a cool guy who once rode a motorcycle to a dinner party wearing leather pants. After a silly drink, everyone retreated.

When they were breaking up on the roadside, the two guys suddenly became anxious to urinate, so they walked under a tree. They did not unbutton their leather pants, but unbuttoned their belts. The tree began to feel happy.

At the end, he was still holding his belt and shaking wildly.

Then he launched his motorcycle. Just when he was about to start, he noticed that the ground under his leather pants was actually wet. So, he asked us in a confused way: "Strange, why is my car leaking oil?"

5: Money Giveaway

When I was at the newspaper office, there was a Colleague, he has a very legendary hobby. When he gets high, he likes to give people money, one hundred per person, and give them taxis home. He will be aggressive with anyone who doesn't want him, and he won't beat them severely.

But on the second day, he ran to people one by one with aggrievedness, showing a pitiful look: "Brother, give me back the money you gave you yesterday..."

p>

The funniest thing is that the same thing about giving money to people actually happened to him three times in a month.

6: Throwing the watch

My dad always likes to bet with others when he is drunk. Once he didn't come back late at night, so we went to various pubs to look for him. When we found him, he was shouting on the street that he wanted to compare the merits of watches with another person.

At the end of the quarrel, the old man took off the Omega from his wrist, threw it across the street, then hurried over to pick it up and shouted excitedly: "Look, my watch is still running, you want to try it too?"

7: We are all at home

There is a flower bed in front of my house. One morning when I went out, I found a buddy sleeping in the flower bed, wearing only a pair of shorts.

And his shirt, trousers, and tie were all neatly folded and placed beside him, with his mobile phone on top, which was actually turned off. There are also leather shoes, which are also arranged neatly, with socks placed in the shoe holes...

It seems that this guy has made this his home.

When I thought about it later, it was a good thing that these guys didn’t like to sleep naked, otherwise, it would have been even more fun to watch.

8: Climbing the stairs

Once, netizens came from Tianjin and claimed that they would pour us Shanghainese people under the table. Of course we were not convinced, so we took turns to fight. Drinking from beer to red wine, from red wine to rice wine, from rice wine to white wine, the final result is: the man in Tianjin should have carried his wife with a broken toe upstairs, but he muddle-headedly carried my six-year-old daughter from the first floor I carried him to the seventh floor, and then staggered back from the seventh floor to the first floor. I was beaten so hard by my wife that my eyes turned black.

9: Encountered a robber

After drinking with a group of people, we made an appointment to go to a certain house. As we walked, one person got lost and the other one went to look for him.

Everyone went to XX’s house first and sat down. After a while, the lost man came. He proudly told everyone that he had met a robber and asked him to beat him and scare him with bricks. The robbers were beaten away. As soon as he finished speaking, the man who was looking for him also arrived. Angrily, the girl who said he was missing hit him with a brick, which made him run away with his head covered

10: Here I go again

Once, several friends met for a drink at a hotel called Fish Head King. After one of them drank too much, he rushed to another hotel to meet another group of drinking friends. Everyone couldn't stop him, so he had to let him go. There he went. But not long after, he suddenly appeared in front of us with a bright face, apologizing repeatedly: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just had a drink, I'm late."

As he said,... He sat down and shouted to the waiter: "Come on, let's serve the food!"

Later we found out that after he left us, he got into the taxi very neatly and rushed to the taxi. The driver said loudly: "Open the way, go to Fish Head King!"

As a result, the driver took him for a while on the street and then sent him back. When he came to us again, he could no longer identify who was who, so he was so sorry!

11: Crying and laughing

The winter before last, I met a girl. The temperament is so good. We both hang out together almost every day. In the evening, I would either go to a bar or a disco. One night, we came home drunk. She started making trouble when she got home.

Crying, crying so hard. She hid in the bathroom alone and cried. I kicked the door open and pulled her out, but she got into the closet again and continued to cry.

After finally getting her to bed, she hugged me and cried again. This wasn't over yet. I saw the mobile phone in my hand and banged it. Hit the wall hard. I just watched the beautiful foldable phone split into two halves.

The next day, she woke up. Holding his head and looking at the cell phone broken into two parts on the ground, he ran downstairs angrily and picked up a brick. I looked at her inexplicably. I saw this lady pick up a brick and hit the phone hard. After breaking open the casing, she took out the parts inside, looked at me with a smile and said: "Haha, these parts are worth 300 yuan, sell it." Then I’ll raise money to buy a mobile phone!”

12: What a pity

One time, a related company invited our colleagues to drink. The place was a very high-end restaurant, abalone and bird’s nest and so on. , ordered a lot. During the dinner, everyone toasted frequently, took turns in the melee, and I don’t know how many bottles of red wine I drank. I just remember that when we were leaving, one of my colleagues was vomiting downstairs in the hotel. While vomiting, he cried out regretfully: "My abalone." , my shark fin, what a pity."

13: From Nanjing to Zhenjiang

I know an older brother who is from Nanjing and loves drinking. At that time, he came and went on a small Mulan motorcycle. One night, he was drunk, but he still rode his motorcycle home. He couldn't see the road clearly at that time and could only walk along National Highway 312 in a daze. He couldn't remember how long he had been riding. When he regained consciousness, he suddenly looked up and saw a signboard in front of him that was "Zhenjiang Hotel".

He actually rode a Mulan motorcycle from Nanjing to Zhenjiang!

What’s even more cruel is that he rode Mulan back to Nanjing from Zhenjiang.

14: Endless friendship

A man who usually behaved very elegantly got drunk and went to a small tree to relax. When he was done, he wanted to leave, but he felt someone was holding him. Facing him, he turned around and declined, "No, no, it's too late. I should go back. See you later, sister."

He had no choice but to leave. The people waiting for him got impatient when they saw him working alone, and came over to persuade him, "Miss, please let go. We will come back later. There are plenty of opportunities."

Rejecting back and forth. More than an hour later, they discovered that he had actually tied the belt to the person and the tree, and had a close relationship with the tree for a while...

15: Admit your mistake

My brother’s work unit gave him a year-end bonus, and he went to a restaurant with a few of his close colleagues to celebrate. After drinking and eating, my brother came out and used the car key to open the bicycle, but he couldn't open it no matter what.

My brother thought, maybe it’s because he drank too much and his hands were shaking, right? Anyway, I made a lot of money today, so I might as well take a taxi home. So he put the bicycle in the trunk of the taxi and took a taxi back home. After sobering up the next day, my brother came downstairs to take a look and found that it was broken! He had to take a taxi and take the bike back.

It turns out that what he pulled home at night was his colleague Xiao Li’s bicycle!

16: Home

One of my neighbors likes to drink and is often drunk. Once, he got into a taxi after being drunk. The driver drove slowly and waited for him to tell him where to go. But after waiting for a long time, there was no movement. When I looked back, I saw that he was taking off his clothes. The driver was startled and asked quickly: "Sir, what are you doing!"

He said: "I'm home, I want to take off my clothes and go to bed!"

The driver quickly told him: "This is my car, not your home."

He thought for a while and shouted loudly: "Quick, go back to where I got in the car!"

The driver asked why, and he said: "I thought I was home just now, so I took off my shoes at the door!"

17: Fortune telling

Once, a friend from out of town arrived When I was doing business in Qingdao, my friends went to a hotel to get together. It turned out that he was a little drunk. When he arrived at the hotel, he refused to take out the room key. We had no choice but to go to the hotel front desk to find another way.

When we returned to the door of the room with the waiter, we saw him neatly arranging the banknotes, credit cards, business cards and other things in his wallet one by one. On the ground. After seeing us, he said excitedly and joyfully: "Come on, come on, I'll tell you a fortune!"

18: Give me back the car

I am a brother-in-law. My son likes to drink and drive. One time, when I came home, I encountered the police checking the car. Just when he secretly asked Hao Luck to get out of the car and get checked, the policeman answered the phone, held the phone in his hands, gesticulated, and started talking nonstop. As soon as he saw an opportunity, he quietly returned to the car and drove home in a hurry while the policeman on the phone was unprepared.

The next day, someone knocked on his door. It was the policeman from yesterday. Now that he had sobered up, he asked the policeman confidently: "What are you doing here? What's the matter?"

The policeman said: "I have driven your car to the door for you. Now, you put it in your car." Give me back the police car?"

I said: "You are a pig" and you said: "I am a pig." From then on, I will call you a pig.

Finally one day, you couldn't help but yelled at me in front of everyone: "I'm not a pig."

Someone farted on the bus, it smelled bad. A seductive woman spat "Bah--bah--bah". A man couldn't stand it and said, "Why, you vomited your shell after eating farts?"

A little turtle said to the mouse: I work in the kitchen of a high-end hotel. The mouse laughed and said, "Nonsense again!" The turtle became serious: I'm not going to lie to you, they brought my bath water to make soup.

A woman came to a man selling eggs with a cat in her arms. The man stared at the woman's arms and praised: Miss, your breasts are so white and big! The woman glared and ignored her. The man came again: Miss, your breasts are really white and big! The woman couldn't bear it anymore and said fiercely to him: If you keep talking nonsense, I will crush your balls!

. A puppy climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roasted chicken. You said angrily, "I will do whatever you dare to do to that roasted chicken." As a result, the puppy licked the chicken's butt and you fainted. The puppy said happily: Let’s see who is cruel in the demo.

I dreamed yesterday that God said he could grant me a wish. I took out the globe and said I wanted world peace, but he said it was too difficult to change to another one. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to become beautiful, and he pondered. I was told to get the globe and I would look at it again.

One day three ghosts met God while shopping! They told God that they all died miserably and hoped that they would go to heaven! God said helplessly that there are too many residents in heaven and it is already full. But there’s still one spot left! You tell me, whoever dies the worst will go to heaven!

So, the first ghost started to say... I was a cleaner when I was alive. Very hard work! Busy from morning to night! One day, I was cleaning the windows outside a building! It's the kind of dangerous work at high altitudes where you're hanging outside! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and I fell! I thought, it's over! Dying! But my survival instinct made me scratch unconsciously! Fortunately, I caught a balcony railing on the 13th floor. I thought, there is hope! So I wanted to wait until I calmed down and then climb up!

Unexpectedly, someone suddenly grabbed my hand and I fell down again! I thought, now I'm really finished! However, my fate should not have been decided. There was a tent underneath to catch me. I am glad that I must have accumulated good deeds in my previous life! I want to wait until I feel better before going down. Unexpectedly, a refrigerator fell from above and killed me!

The second ghost said... I was a clerk during my lifetime. Everything is fine, I have a beautiful wife. Great figure!

But it’s a bit watery. I have a mild heart condition. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work, so I went home to get it. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my wife with disheveled hair and disheveled clothes. There must be an adulterer. So I searched all over the house, the kitchen, and the toilet, but couldn't find it. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing. I thought: Adulterer! So he took his hand away. I thought, 13th floor! See if I can kill you!

When I saw the result, he was not dead! Caught by the tent! I was anxious, so I searched all over the house. When I entered the kitchen, I found that the refrigerator was big enough, so I threw it down. Finally smashed him to death! I was so happy! Laughing endlessly. Unexpectedly, I laughed so much that my heart stopped and I died laughing!

The third ghost said... I was a little gangster when I was alive, but I didn't do anything bad! One day I went to a female friend’s house! Just after finishing her work, her husband suddenly came back! I have to find a place to hide.

So I searched in the kitchen and the toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid in the refrigerator! I just don’t understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator, and he actually threw the refrigerator from the 13th floor!

I just threw myself and the refrigerator to death!

Funny jokes on the bus

1. Bus IC card

That happened a few years ago. At that time, card swiping was just implemented. When the bus arrived at the station, one came up. The tall woman probably put her IC card in the back pocket of her jeans, so as soon as she got in the car, she leaned her butt against the card machine. After a beep, she got into the car. This woman was followed by an old lady. She was not tall, so she found it strange that she could get on the bus just by leaning her butt against that thing. So as soon as she got on the bus, she tried her best to lift her feet and leaned her butt against the card machine. She leaned against it several times. It didn't work. At this time, the driver said, "Mom, what are you doing? Hurry up and insert your coins and get on the bus." The aunt said, "Can't that girl get on the bus just by leaning her butt over here?" Haha, that’s what happened. The driver didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so he could only explain to him that the girl used an IC card.

But the aunt didn’t understand that Xiami is called an IC card, so she still struggled with the driver, “You The young man is too unkind. A beautiful girl sticks her butt with you and you let her in. My old lady sticks her butt with you so many times and you don't let me in. "What do you mean?", in the car? Everyone laughed, and the driver couldn't get off the stage because of him, so he could only wave her up to let her in.

2. Wrong hearing

A foreigner took a A 50-yuan note was waved in front of the conductor: Have you seen it? Have you seen it? ...

The person who bought the ticket was stupid, so he simply took out a 100 ticket and showed it: Have you seen it?

Finally, I figured out that the person wanted to go to "Jianguo" Door! ”

3. Thief

A certain person often lost his wallet when he got on the bus. One day, before getting on the bus, a certain person folded a thick stack of paper and put it in an envelope and got off the bus. It was later discovered that the envelope had been stolen. The next day, shortly after I got in the car, I felt something hard on my waist. I touched it and saw that it was the envelope from yesterday. The envelope said: Please don't make such jokes and affect your normal work. Thank you! !

4. Asking for money

Once I took the bus home. After I got on the bus, I found that there was no one-yuan change in my wallet. I was worried, so I took out a ten-yuan bill and put it into the coin slot. . Later, the more I thought about it, the more I felt useless, so I discussed with the driver if I could be allowed to stand guard at the door and keep the money that the passengers at the next stop should have put into the coin slot for myself. The driver agreed.

The bus quickly drove to the next stop, and many people rushed to get on the bus. I blocked the door and said to the first passenger, "Give me the money." The other passenger was stunned and said, "Why?" He refused to explain in a few words, so I said, "Just give it to me, and don't worry about anything else." The other party looked at the driver, who nodded in acquiescence. So, one yuan was obtained. I followed the law and quickly collected eight of them one yuan. Then a big man came up, with a muscular back, a shaved head and exposed tattoos. Seeing me stopping him, he said angrily: "What are you doing?

Brother?" I said: "I'll tell you later, give me the money first." The other person's eyes became round: "Say "What?" I said, "Give me the money!" The other person opened his mouth and asked the driver, "What is this guy doing?" , so everyone started shouting: "What are you talking about! Give me the money quickly!" The big man quickly shrank. I saw him taking out his wallet from his pocket and handing it over, saying with a sad face: "Boss, I only have this little money with me. There are many of you, so I'm convinced."

5. Car Chase

I caught the bus in the morning. When I arrived at the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!"

At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the window and said to me: "Wukong, you Just stop chasing me."

6. Get off

While the bus was waiting for a red light, a man shouted: "Driver, open the door, I want to get off." /p>

"Is this a stop sign? "The driver said angrily.

"I'm just telling you because this is not a stop sign.

"

The driver was speechless.

7. Pulling the ring

A very fat woman got on the bus and couldn't find a seat, so she had to pull the bus Unexpectedly, the driver braked suddenly. The fat woman broke the pull tab and threw herself in front of the driver. The driver looked at her and the pull tab in her hand and said angrily: "Three of them have been collected." Give the driver a signed photo! ”

8. Seat

There was a beautiful lady who took out a tissue from her bag and wiped the seat vigorously after getting on the bus. When she was about to sit down, she farted. , a gentleman next to me heard it and jokingly said: Miss is really fond of hygiene. She wiped it for so long and still had to blow it!

I loved eating apples the most when I was alive

One day , a taxi driver felt very tired after working all day, so he wanted to drive home. It was 12 o'clock at midnight.

He happened to pass by the No. 2 Funeral Home in Beishi City, and he felt uncomfortable. , thinking: "Hey, I feel weird, get out of here and go home~"

At this moment, a woman in white suddenly appeared on the roadside and asked him to stop. The driver was hesitant to stop. When we stopped, the car just stopped in front of the woman.

The driver felt strange, how could this happen?

At this time, the woman got on the car silently~ ~~

“I want to go to Songshan Airport. "The woman started to speak.

The driver felt even more uncomfortable, and the car could start again at this time.

"Oh~~Okay, Songshan Airport, right? ? "The driver said with a trembling voice.

"..."

The car drove on and on. The driver glanced at the woman in the rearview mirror and felt that the woman had no face. His face was bloody and pale, and he felt as if he had arrived. In order to stop himself from thinking wildly, the driver took out an apple and ate it to eliminate his inner uneasiness.

At this time, the woman in the back seat spoke: "I." I loved eating apples the most when I was alive~~~"

When the driver heard this, his mouth opened wide after taking a bite of the apple, and his hair stood up!

The woman continued : “But I don’t like eating it after I gave birth to a baby~~~”

What does it mean to let your wife take a good look at a man?

A beggar knocked on the car window and said: Give me some money. The gentleman looked at it and said: Let me smoke a cigarette for you. The beggar said: I don’t smoke, give me some money. The gentleman said: I have beer in the car, let me have a drink for you. The beggar said: I don’t drink, give it to me. Count the money. The husband said: Well, I will take you to the mahjong parlor, I will pay you, and you will bet. If you win, it will be yours. The beggar said: I don’t gamble, give me some money. The husband said: I will take you to the sauna. The hotel enjoys "one-stop service" and all expenses are covered. The beggar said: I don't go to prostitutes, please give me some money. The husband said: Then you can get in the car and I will take you back and let my wife see: I don't smoke and don't smoke. What kind of good man can he become who drinks, doesn’t gamble, and doesn’t visit prostitutes!