Dialect jokes are not old, but new.

Once upon a time, there was an old man boating in the lake. Suddenly, a frog swam towards him. Only the frog shouted to the old man, "Sir! Sir! I am a beautiful princess. As long as you kiss me, I will be a princess again soon, and then we can live happily together! "

The old man picked up the frog without kissing it. He just put it in his pocket and went on rowing. The frog was a little puzzled and called again, "Sir! I am really a beautiful princess. As long as you kiss me, I will be a princess again soon, and then we can live happily together! "

The old man still didn't speak and continued to row. The frog was very angry and said, "Why don't you kiss me?" I tell you, I am really a beautiful princess. "

"Listen, madam," the old man replied, "I am 90 years old this year. At this age, I'd rather have a talking frog. "

The strategy of the weak

Two people are exploring in the virgin forest. Suddenly, a huge tiger appeared in front of them.

Seeing the tiger coming, a man quickly kicked off his leather shoes and took out a pair of lighter running shoes from his backpack and put them on. Another man saw that he still had the heart to change shoes at a critical moment and said, "You are so stupid, you can't get rid of the tiger if you change shoes again!" " "The man shook his head and said," I don't need to run past the tiger, as long as I run faster than you. "

Engineer evasion

Three engineers and three accountants went to other places for a meeting. When they got on the train, three accountants bought three tickets, but three engineers only bought one ticket. Confused, the accountants asked the engineers why they only bought one ticket. The engineer said, "You will know when you get on the train."

As soon as the train started, three engineers crowded into a toilet. The conductor began to check in and finally went outside the toilet. She knocked on the door and said, "Check the tickets." Then the door opened a small crack and a ticket was handed out from it.

When they came back from a meeting in other places, the accountants thought the engineers' methods were very good, so they only bought a ticket. This time, the engineers didn't buy any tickets, and the accountants were puzzled. The engineer still said, "You will understand when you get on the bus."

After getting on the bus, three accountants immediately squeezed into a toilet, and three engineers squeezed into the toilet on the other side of the carriage. Shortly after the train started, an engineer came out of the toilet, went outside the accountant's toilet, knocked on the door and said, "Check in."

Magic ant

A person is sentenced to 12 years in prison, which is quite boring. One day, he found that an ant could understand him, so he began to train it.

A few years later, this ant can not only stand upside down, somersault, but also dance, which makes him quite proud. Finally, the first thing he did after he got out of prison was to run to the bar and prepare to show off his magical ants.

He first asked the bartender for a glass of beer, then took the ants out of his pocket and put them on the table. He shouted to the bartender, "Look at this ant …" The bartender came over and killed the ant at once, and then said to him, "I'm sorry, I'll get you a new one right away!"

Churchill called.

One day, Churchill will give a speech. He forgot to bring a very important document before his speech, so he took a taxi home to get it. In front of the car, he asked the taxi driver to wait outside for a while and then sent him out. But the driver replied firmly, "No, I have to go back to Churchill's speech."

Churchill was ecstatic and immediately gave him a handsome tip. The driver was overjoyed. After receiving the money, he immediately changed his tune: "Sir, I think I'd better wait for you here and let Churchill and his speech go to hell!" "

Do hard but thankless work

A famous writer went to a small city with only one bookstore. The owner of this bookstore heard that the writer was going to visit his bookstore. In order to please the writer, he removed all the other books on the shelf and replaced them with his own works to show his attention.

On this day, the writer came to the bookstore and saw his book at a glance. He is very happy. However, he searched all over the bookstore and found that there were only his books in this bookstore. He was puzzled and asked his boss, "Where are the books of other writers?" The shopkeeper didn't expect the writer to ask this question. He didn't know how to answer for a moment, and then said, "All the other books are sold out!" "

Nuns and priests

A priest was driving on the road and saw a nun on the side of the road, so he stopped and offered to give her a ride.

The nun got on the bus, cocked her feet and let her lovely legs emerge from her robe. The priest was so happy that he almost had an accident with the car. After controlling the car, he secretly moved his hand to the beautiful leg.

The nun looked at him and said, "Father, remember the poem 129?" The priest blushed, apologized and was forced to take his hand away. But his eyes never left her beautiful legs. After shifting gears several times, his hand slipped to the beautiful leg again.

The nun said, "Father, remember the poem 129?" The priest apologized again: "I'm sorry, you know, weak." After arriving at the monastery, the nun got off the bus, gave the priest a meaningful look and left.

When the priest returned to the church, he hurriedly took out his Bible and wanted to know what Psalm 129 had written. He turned to section 129, which said, "Go ahead, keep exploring and deepening, and you will find glory."

Decent way

At night, the company held a staff meeting, and suddenly there was a power outage, and the meeting room was dark. Everyone waited quietly. After a while, the manager suddenly shouted, "My watch on the conference table is gone!" "

"Someone must have stolen it." "Who can do this?" Go ahead and say it.

The chairman looked at all the people present, then shrugged his shoulders and said to them, "Ladies and gentlemen, I will solve this problem with dignity. Now turn off the lights for five minutes and let's go out one by one. Please put the watch on the table with the clock at the door. "

Five minutes later, the light came on. The manager went out of the meeting room to get his watch, only to find that there was no watch on the table and the desk clock was gone.

Quotations from chairman Mao

In the 1960s and 1970s, learning Mao Xuan and reciting quotations were important things in people's lives. They advocated learning and flexible use. A teenage rural child used a story vividly.

One day, a teenage boy appeared at the counter of a township supply and marketing cooperative, wearing patched coarse clothes. Shouted to the salesman, "I want to buy matches." I stood on tiptoe and handed a penny. The salesman said, "A box of matches is worth two cents, but it's still one point short."

I saw the child stubbornly say, "How can it be bad? Chairman Mao said' one divides into two', right? "

The salesman was stunned by this sudden "attack" and didn't know how to answer at the moment. This is indeed what Chairman Mao said. Who dared not listen to Chairman Mao in that era of crazy criticism? After hesitating for a long time, she had to say, "just a moment, I'll ask the director."

Pointing at her back, the child shouted, "Your determination to carry out Chairman Mao's instructions is not enough!"

The director is also an activist to learn Mao Xuan. As soon as he heard this, he quickly said to the salesman, "Give it to him quickly."

Under the condition of poverty and backwardness at that time, a penny was also a lot of figures for rural people, and this matter soon spread throughout the village. For a time, the matches of the supply and marketing cooperatives were robbed and empty, and a penny was paid for. Later, the goods came in, and the director of the supply and marketing cooperative wanted to apply for a notice from the director of the revolutionary Committee, and things ended like this.

Later, the child grew up and became a township head.

The slogan on the roof

A film studio built near the airport often affects its normal work because of the noise of landing planes nearby. The director asked the manager to find a way to solve the problem. The manager thought for a long time and decided to solve the problem directly. He wrote a big sign on the roof: "please pay attention, this is a film studio, it needs to be quiet!" " I hope the pilot will consciously reduce the noise after seeing it.

As a result, this slogan brought more noise, because after seeing the banner on the roof, the pilots wanted to see clearly what it was written, so they had to turn the plane down to see clearly.

God's help

Once there was a heavy rain, and the flood began to flood the city. A priest is praying in the church. Seeing that the flood had flooded his waist, suddenly a lifeguard rowed a boat and said to the priest, "Father! get up here ! Otherwise the flood will drown you! " The priest said, "No! I want to guard my palace! I am convinced that God will come to save me! " So the lifeguard reluctantly left.

Soon, the flood flooded the priest's head. The priest had to stand on the table reluctantly. At this moment, a policeman came by in a boat and said to the priest, "Come on up! Otherwise the flood will drown you. " The priest said, "No! I want to guard my palace! I am convinced that God will come to save me! " So, the police left helplessly.

After a while, the church was flooded and the priest had to hold on to the cross. At this moment, a helicopter came and put down the rope ladder. The crew shouted, "Dad! Climb up with the rope ladder! Otherwise the flood will drown you! " The priest said firmly, "No! I want to guard my palace! I am convinced that God will come to save me! " So the helicopter also reluctantly left.

However, the flood continued to rise and the priest was finally drowned. When the priest went to heaven, he met God and asked angrily, "What's the matter with you?" ! Will your people still believe you? "God said unjustly," What do you want? "! I have sent two boats and a helicopter to save you! Don't you want an aircraft carrier to sit? "

Military insurance

Mr. Henman was sent to the American Recruit Training Center to sell military insurance. Most of the recruits who listened to his speech bought insurance voluntarily, and no one has ever achieved such a high success rate. The training director wanted to know his sales skills, so he quietly came to the class and listened to what he said to the recruits.

"Boys, I want to explain to you the protection brought by military insurance," Henman said. "If there is a war, you are killed, and you bought military insurance before your death, the government will compensate your family for $200,000. But if you don't buy insurance, the government will only pay a pension of $6,000 ... "

"What's the use? No amount of money can change my life. " Here's a recruit who said gloomily.

"You are wrong," Henman said kindly. "Think about it. What kind of soldiers will the government send to the battlefield first in case of war? Did you buy insurance or did you not buy insurance? "

Prepare for the blind

John was about to cross the road when he saw a blind man crossing the road with his guide dog.

John saw that at the green light, the dog didn't take the owner across the road, but peed on his pants. Unexpectedly, the blind man reached into his pocket and gave the dog a biscuit.

John was surprised and said to the blind man, "If that is my dog, I will definitely kick its ass." The blind man listened and answered very calmly, "Yes, I just want to kick it, but I must find its head first!" " "

Cats in the captive camp

During World War II, three soldiers were put into the captive camp, one of whom was German, one was Italian and the other was Japanese.

One night, the guard fell asleep. The three men saw the opportunity now or never and were ready to escape.

The Germans were the first to go out, only to kick the soldiers in the foot. The soldier asked, "Who?" The Germans were anxious and gave a "meow". "Oh, it's a cat." So the guard went back to sleep.

The Italian army then escaped and accidentally kicked over the kettle. The soldier asked, "Who?" "Meow!" "Oh, it's another cat. There are so many cats today. "

The Japanese army was the last one to escape. He ran into the prison gate. "who?" "Of course it's a cat!" The Japanese army proudly answered.

Hell and heaven

A man ascended to heaven after death and stayed in heaven for a few days. He felt that heaven was too monotonous, so he asked the angel to let him go to hell, and the angel promised him.

When he arrived in hell, he saw gorgeous palaces, groups of seductive female ghosts and all kinds of delicious food, and said to the devil, "I decided to spend the night here today." I heard that it is very interesting. " The devil agreed to let him stay for the night and sent a beautiful woman to entertain him.

The next day, the man returned to heaven. Compared with hell, life in heaven is still monotonous. After a while, he began to miss the debauchery of hell and asked the angel to allow him to go to hell again. Everything was the same as last time, and he returned to heaven radiant. After a while, he told the angel that he was going to live in hell forever. After that, he ignored the angel's advice and resolutely left heaven.

He went to hell and told the devil that he had come to settle down. The devil welcomed him in, but this time he was received by an old lady with unkempt hair and wrinkled face. "Where are all the beautiful women who used to receive me?" The man asked curiously.

"Friend, to tell you the truth, tourism is tourism, but immigration is not the same thing!" The devil told him.