8 classic humorous English jokes

The following is a collection of classic humorous English jokes that I have compiled. Welcome everyone to read!

Classic humorous English jokes: The New Baby

Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child.

Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.

　One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes, said Mr.Taylor.

Pat came into the room just then and said, What are you talking about? We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now, because the new baby's coming, his mother answered.

It's no use, said Pat hopelessly. He'll follow us there.

Newborn

The Taylors have a seven-year-old boy , named Pat. Mrs. Taylor is now pregnant with her second child.

Pat had seen babies in other people's homes and didn't like them very much, so he was unhappy with the news that he was going to have a baby in his own home.

One night, the Taylors were making arrangements for the birth of the baby. Mr Taylor said: "With the baby, our house is too small to live in.

Pat walked into the house at that exact moment and asked, "What are you talking about?" His mother replied, "We're saying we have to move now because the baby is about to be born."

That's no use, Pat said desperately. He'll follow us there.

Classic humorous English jokes: What Are The Two Words?

A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is?lousy?and the other is?swell?.Would you promise me that?

Why, sure, Granny , said the girl. What are the two words?

What are the two words?

A very noble old lady has a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady: I ??wish you could do me a favor.

I want you to promise never to use two words. One is "annoying" and the other is "fabulous". Can you promise me?

Oh, of course, grandma. The girl said: Which two words?

Classic humorous English joke: What's your name?

A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:My name is Stone,and I'm even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble.Don't try any tricks with me ,and then we'll get on well together

Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,He said,and don't forget to call me 'sir' .

Each soldier told him his name,unitl he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,When I ask you a question,answer it!I'll ask you again:What's your name,soldier?

The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied.My name is Stonebreaker,sirhe said nervously.

What's your name? < /p>

There was a very stern officer giving lectures to a group of new recruits who were trained by him. He had never seen this group of recruits before, so he began to introduce himself: My name is Stone. In fact, I am even tougher than Stone. That's why I tell you my name. Don't try to play any tricks on me so we can get along.

Then he began to walk up to each soldier and ask their name. Speak louder so everyone can hear you clearly. Also, don't forget to call me sir. he said.

Every soldier told him his name. When he reached the last soldier, he remained silent. So Captain Stone shouted to him, when I ask you a question, answer it! I ask you again, your name, soldier?

The recruit was not happy, but in the end he answered. My name is Stonebreaker, sir. he said nervously.

Classic humorous English joke: No Problem

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. How can I help you? asked the stylist. I went for a hair transplant, the guy explained, but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000.

　No problem , said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.

　No problem

　A bald man sat in the barber shop. The hairstylist asked: How can I help you? The man explained: I was going for a hair transplant, but it was too painful. If you can make my hair look like yours without any pain, I'll pay you $5,000.

No problem, the hairstylist said, and he quickly shaved his head.

Classic humorous English jokes:

The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was com pleted, the patron was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub of brilliant red.

　What's this? exclaimed the purchaser.I asked for theRed Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.

　That's it, replied Hogarth.

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But, where are the Israelites?

They are all gone over.

Where are the Egyptians?

They're all drowned.

One day, someone asked this great painter to draw a picture of the Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. Not long after the painting began, problems arose with the payment. Hodith discovered that by completing the painting he would only be able to get about half of the money he wanted. When the work was completed, the patron was invited to see the painting. In fact, this painting is just a patch of bright red applied randomly.

What is this? The buyer shouted. What I want is the Red Sea, that famous voyage.

That is it, replied Hogarth.

But where are the Israelites?

They have all crossed over.

Where were the Egyptians?

They all drowned.

Classic humorous English jokes: When do people talk the least?

Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?

Teacher: Tom,?man? What is the plural form of this word?

Tom: Men.

Tom: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

Teacher: Good. What about the plural form of "children"?

Tom: Twins.

Tom: Twins.

Classic humorous English joke: My husband just came in

The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table, their waiter suddenly rushed over.

There was a couple sitting in the restaurant. They looked very happy. But when the woman glanced to the side, the waiter ran over immediately.

Madam look, he said. Your husband just slid under the table.

Madam, look, he said, your husband just slid under the table. . ?

?No,he didn't,?she replied.?My husband just came in the door.?

?No,he didn't,?she replied. Just came in through the door. ?

Classic humorous English joke: There are two pairs of trousers

A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible," she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.?

The husband came home from get off work and found his bride upset. ?I feel so bad,? she said. ?I burned a big hole in the butt of my pants while ironing your suit. ?

?Forget it,? consoled her husband. ?Remember that I?ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.?

?It’s okay,? her husband comforted her and said . ?You forgot that I have two pairs of pants in this suit. ?

?Yes,? said the woman, cheering up. "And it?s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.?

?Yes,? wife He said happily, "Fortunately, you still have one, and I later used it to fill the hole."