Ancient humorous joke stories

don't use the corridor as a runway, and don't use games as judo. Queue up like geese, walk like kittens gently. Cherish the water of life and "live" bit by bit. Go up and down the stairs and walk to the right. I'll let you walk lightly. The grass smiles slightly, please take a walk around. Advertising words an advertisement of an audio company-"Call four times!" An advertisement in a jiaozi shop-"Everything!" An advertisement for a lime factory-"Starting from scratch!" A pawnshop advertisement-"Well deserved!" An advertisement of a hat company-"Take a man by his hat!" A barber shop advertisement-"Nothing!" Humorous stories and jokes: A son of a rich family went to take an exam. His father gave him a test in advance, and he got good grades. He thought he would be admitted, but his son's name was not on the list. Father hurried to the county magistrate to judge. The county magistrate turned to look at the volume, only to see a faint layer of fog on it, but there was no word. As soon as my father got home, he scolded, "Why is your examination paper so hard to read?" My son cried, "No one grinds ink for me in the examination room, so I have to dip my pen in water to write on the inkstone." One day, Lincoln was told that a tax official had just died and asked if he could take his place. Lincoln replied, "If the funeral home has no opinion, of course I won't object." Lincoln came from a pioneer's family. During the election campaign, he didn't have a special car. At every stop, his friends prepared a carriage for farming, and he stood in the carriage and made a campaign speech: "Someone wrote to ask me how much property I have. I have a wife and a son, all of which are priceless. In addition, we rent an office with a desk, three chairs and a big bookcase in the corner. The books on the shelf are worth reading. I am poor and thin, with a long face, and I won't gain weight. I really have nothing to rely on is you. " Once, Lincoln was polishing his shoes when a foreign diplomat came up to him and said, "Mr. President, you polished your shoes?" "Yes," Lincoln asked in mock surprise. "Do you clean other people's shoes?" Once Lincoln was making a speech, suddenly, his assistant handed him a piece of paper with only two words "fool" on it. Lincoln glanced at it and knew that someone was making trouble. Instead of being angry, he smiled and said to the audience, "Ladies and gentlemen, I used to receive many notes that I forgot to sign my name. But this time I received a note with a' signature' and nothing else. " No one mo mo, the son of a rich family, took the exam. His father gave him a test in advance and got good grades. He thought he would be admitted, but there was no son's name on the list. Father hurried to the county magistrate to judge. The county magistrate turned to look at the volume, only to see a faint layer of fog on it, but there was no word. As soon as my father got home, he scolded, "Why is your examination paper so hard to read?" My son cried, "No one grinds ink for me in the examination room, so I have to dip my pen in water to write on the inkstone." There was an old lady chanting Buddha, holding several beads in her hand. While chanting Amitabha and Amitabha, she shouted, "Han, Han, there are too many ants in the pot. I hate it. Please burn them with fire for me." Then he read, "Amitabha, Amitabha." Then he called out, "Han, Han, take some ashes off the bottom of the pot for me, and don't use your own dustpan, because if it burns out, just borrow it from your neighbor's house." Remember, remember. Amitabha, Amitabha "never visits a vegetarian monk. Seeing that he was a monk, the master asked, "Master, do you drink?" The monk smiled and said, "Drink a little wine, but never be a vegetarian." Except for the idiot, a man complained to the county government: "I lost a hoe tomorrow, please check it out." The county magistrate asked, "You slave! I lost my hoe tomorrow. Why didn't you report it yesterday? " When the beadle next to him heard this, he couldn't help laughing. The county magistrate immediately concluded the case and said, "It must be you who stole the hoe! What on earth did you steal? " The beadle replied, "I want to get rid of that idiot." The old man is sad. There is an old man with wealth and wealth, and his children and grandchildren are full. On the occasion of his centenary birthday, the birthday guests crowded the house, but the old man was very unhappy. Everyone asked him, "You are so blessed, what are you worried about?" The old man replied, "I'm not worried about anything, but I'm worried that when I celebrate my 2 th birthday, the number of people who come to congratulate me will increase by hundreds of thousands. How can I remember them one by one?" A man was playing outside the door with his son in his arms. The neighbor jokingly said, "The blood of father and son really runs down in the same vein. Just look at your son and you will know that his face is really the same as mine." The man holding the child said, "Yes, you and the child were brothers born of a woman. How can your faces be different?" There are two villains with bad hearts, both of whom have poisonous sores on their backs. Please ask a doctor for treatment. After reading one, the doctor looked at the second one, pretending to be frightened, and said, "His heart is worse, but it can be cured. Your heart is so bad and rotten, how can I be cured?" Sparrows treat one day, sparrows treat birds to wine. It said to the kingfisher, "You are wearing such bright and beautiful clothes, so naturally please sit on the table." He said to the eagle, "Although you are bigger, you are wearing black and ugly clothes, so you have to be wronged to sit at the next table." The eagle replied, "you slave, why are you such a snob?" ！” The sparrow replied, "No one in the world knows that I am a sparrow with a small heart and shallow eyes." A man asked a beggar, "Why do dogs bite when they see you?" The beggar replied, "If I have a good coat and hat to wear, the animals will respect me." The emperor came back from Beijing dressed as a beggar and boasted that he had seen the emperor. Others asked him, "What clothes does the emperor wear?" A: "Wearing a hat carved from white jade and a robe made of gold." Q: "How can you bow in gold robes?" The beggar spat at him and said, "Haha, I really don't understand the world! Now that you are an emperor, who do you bow to? " Fearing that the wine would drown the guests, they went into the store to buy wine to drink. After a drink, they said the word "Dun" and talked endlessly. Others asked: "I think it's because I drank too much wine. Are you afraid of diarrhea and going to squat in go to the lavatory?" Pointing at the glass, the man said, "No, I just want to have a chopping block so that I can climb up and not drown in this thin water." The owner of the hotel asked someone to write a shop sign. After that, the man drew a knife on it. The boss asked in surprise, "What do you mean by drawing a knife?" Replied: "I want to kill the water vapor in the wine with this knife!" " There is a hotel that has a rule: any guest who comes to buy wine and eat wine will be punished by tying him to a wooden post as long as he says the wine is sour. One day, a Taoist priest came into the shop with a big gourd on his back. When he saw a man tied to a wooden post, he asked what was the reason. The boss replied, "He lied about my sour wine, so he was fined." The Taoist priest said, "Please give me a cup to taste." The shopkeeper brought the wine, but the Taoist priest only took a bite and ran away in a hurry. The boss was very happy because he didn't say the wine was sour. He called, "You forgot the gourd." The Taoist priest fled and said, "I don't want it. I don't want it. You can keep it as a vinegar signboard." A banner There is a family in Huizhou who has been litigating with others for years, and they are both resentful and bored. On New Year's Eve, the father and son discussed: "Next year's New Year, we should all say something auspicious, so as to bless the next year's good luck and avoid lawsuits." The sons said, "Dad, say something first." Father said, "Good year." The eldest son answered, "Less bad luck." The youngest son also said, "No lawsuits." They put three sentences and eleven words, asked someone to write a banner and put it on nave, asking their families to recite it from time to time in clear voice for good luck. Early in the morning of the first day of the year, the son-in-law came to pay New Year's greetings. When he went to the hall and looked up and saw the banner, clear voice read: "This year is very unlucky, and there are many lawsuits." The father and son were so anxious that they even said, "Bad luck, bad luck!" A group of friends were sitting together and suddenly someone farted. I don't know who it was. Everyone suspected someone and blamed him. In fact, the man didn't fart, he didn't argue, he just laughed. They asked, "What's so funny?" Replied: "The one who laughs at the fart also scolds me with everyone." "Pay off" every year, a man borrowed 6 taels of silver from someone, saying that the interest rate in January and February was 5 points, and the interest at the end of the year was 3 taels of 6 taels. One year has passed, the borrower asked the creditor to give back 4 yuan and change it into an IOU of 1 taels, and the creditor agreed. At the end of the second year, according to the calculation of 1 taels, the interest should be 6 taels, and the person could not pay it back, so he asked for another 4 taels and changed it into a 2 taels IOU, and the creditor agreed. At the end of the third year, at the rate of 2 Liang, the interest with principal and interest * * * was 32 Liang, and he couldn't pay it back, so he asked for the change of 8 Liang and another 4 Liang IOU. The creditor hesitated, and the borrower was angry and said, "You have no conscience! When you borrowed your principal and interest, you didn't count it clearly, and you found all the change. Why aren't you happy? " Yellow croaker is afraid of stink. There is a fishmonger who picks yellow croaker, and his steps are vigorous. A rich man loved his strong feet and hired him to straighten them. Who knows that when he walked in sedan chair, he was very slow. The rich man asked him strangely why, and the sedan chair bearer replied, "Yellow croaker is afraid of stink, so be quick. What is Xianggong afraid of?" The execution tells a prisoner that he will be beheaded according to law. When the officers tied him up, he unbuttoned his coat, put his hand on his chest and asked him what he meant. He said, "I'm afraid I caught a cold. This is no joke." On the way to escort him, the officer suddenly heard crows crow, so he knocked his teeth three times and recited the scriptures seven times and asked him what he meant. He said, "Crows crow, which means there will be a quarrel. The purpose of knocking his teeth and chanting the scriptures is to avoid competing with others." Finally, when he wanted to operate, he pleaded with the executioner: "Please wipe the blade clean with thick paper. It is said that if the razor is not clean, it will cause sores when you shave your head; If the decapitation knife is not clean, I will get sores in the future. When will I get better? " A drunken monkey someone bought a monkey, gave it a coat and hat to wear, and taught it to bow down, which was very similar. One day, the host gave a banquet to invite guests and asked the monkey to perform a bow. Everyone thought it was very cute. A guest gave him wine, and he got so drunk that he took off his coat and hat and rolled around. Everyone laughed: "This monkey looks like a human being when he doesn't eat wine, but he doesn't look like a human being when he drinks wine." A dying criminal learned that there was a fool somewhere, so he recruited him to take out 1 taels of silver and lured him: "All this money is for you. Go and buy good clothes and food, and his wife and family will be exposed a lot." After a while, the government will send officers to check people and bother you to tie them up instead of me. After a few days, you will be released. " The fool saw that the table was full of bright lights, and quickly promised to bring back the silver. An elder in the neighborhood knew about it and hurried to persuade him: "Give him back the money quickly. If you lose your life, what's the use of Wanjin? " The fool said, "it's really stupid to have the money returned and live that hard life again." The old man sighed and went away. Fools use money, and the family is very happy. Not long after, the official document arrived, calling the fool by name. The officers tied him to the altar and cut him. The fool cried, "I regret not listening to people's advice, and even today!" But I also learned today. Only this time will you suffer! " Hei Chi white teeth have two * * *, one tooth is black and the other is white; One tries to hide his black teeth, and the other tries to show off his white teeth. When someone asked Black Tooth what his surname was, he closed his lips, bulged his cheeks and muttered in his throat, "Gu." Asked how old she was, she clapped her cheeks and replied, "15." Finally, I asked her what she had, and she replied in her throat, "I can play drums." Others asked Bai Ya what his surname was, so he opened his mouth and replied, "Qin." Asked how old Fang was, she took another bite and replied, "17." Asked what she could do, she opened her mouth wide to show her white teeth and said, "I can play the piano." Boast that his son's father walks with his son. An acquaintance of his father met him and didn't know his son, so he asked, "Who is this?" The father replied, "Although this man is the ninth-generation first-hand son-in-law of the real grandson of the official department minister, he is my son." Give me a red face. Before I went to a friend's house for dinner alone, I was half drunk and my face was red. When I waited for the banquet of Shangyou's family, I felt that the wine was very weak, and the more I drank it, the more tasteless it became. Even the wine I had drunk woke up and my face faded. After the banquet, he said to the host, "Your wine is very good, just please return my red face!" " I would like to be a son. An old man is haggard and weak, but as long as he is old, he is annoyed. If he is praised for his youth, he likes it endlessly. After one person knew it, he deliberately took advantage of him and said, "Although your beard and hair are all white, your face is delicate, not only comparable to that of a child, but also as fresh and tender as my newborn child's skin." The old man was overjoyed and said, "If the face can be so fresh and tender, I would like to be your son." From fast to slow, the teacher was annoyed that the host didn't invite him to drink. When the students went to the school hall to study, they quickly taught poetry with anger: "Spring outing to the grassland." The students reluctantly followed the book with tears in their eyes. However, having understood the teacher's mind, he said, "Father". The teacher asked, "What does father do?" The student replied, "Buy meat." The teacher slightly slowed down the pace of teaching poetry: "Enjoy the green lotus pond in summer." The students still couldn't follow, and the teacher asked, "What did your father buy meat for?" A: "Please, sir." The teacher's anger gradually disappeared, so he slowly taught the third sentence: "Drink yellow wine in autumn." He asked again, "When will you invite me?" A: "Today." The teacher was overjoyed, and slowly and clearly taught the fourth sentence: "Poems on Snow in Winter." Open a skylight, a man is happy to hijack money, and his relatives and friends do things. He always takes the lead in asking everyone to chip in for wine, but his share is often kept secret, and he has to pocket the extra wine money. Yan hates that his conscience is too dark. Catch him in the underworld and put him in a black prison to suffer. But as soon as the man entered the prison door, he shouted, "This room is so dark. There are several people here. Hurry up and chip in to open a skylight. It is also bright and bright. " (For advocates who gather money from all people to deduct corruption, the proverb is called "opening a skylight". ) There is a stupid son at the wedding banquet who often likes to say discouraging things. One day, my brother-in-law's family got married, and my father took him to dinner. When my son was about to speak, my father said, "His family is happy to get married, so don't say anything frustrating." The son said, "I don't have to ask your adult, but I know:' Getting married is not a funeral.' "A person who goes out for pig's head debt in the New Year, encounters a bird dropping feces on his hat, and thinks it is unlucky to sacrifice to the Bodhisattva to dispel the disaster, so he credits a pig's head to the butcher as a sacrifice. After a while, the butcher saw him and said, "Pig's head has been owed money for many days, so it should be paid." The man replied: "I owe it for many days, but I have an example: If this pig doesn't start, will you come to me for pig money?" The butcher said, "Which pig has no head?" The man said, "since this doesn't make sense, I have another thing to say: if I paid back the money last year and you ran out, wouldn't you have no pig's head money?" The butcher said, "You are talking nonsense. If you had paid me back last year, you would have saved me other money." The debtor bowed his head and thought for a moment and said, "This doesn't make sense. I'll just point it out to you. For example, if this bird droppings is sprinkled on your head, you will definitely sacrifice the pig's head to eliminate the disaster. Where are there any pigs?"