Women's humorous jokes

Humor provides a channel to express feelings, behaviors and impulses that are not accepted by society. I collected some humorous jokes about women for you. Let's have a look.

Selected female humorous jokes

1, best friend status:? I am not used to getting married. I woke up in the morning and found a man lying next to me, and I kicked him down. ?

2. Wife: My eyes are so small that I can't see without a magnifying glass. I decided to have the whole eye of Zhen Xuan. Husband: Oh, my God! Eyes so big, it is estimated that they can be opened during the day, but they can't be covered at night! Wife: I would like to have such beautiful eyes even if I sleep with my eyes open 365 days a year. Husband: You can fix it after I die! Afraid of being scared to death by you at night.

On a train, a pair of middle-aged men and women sat opposite each other, holding hands and talking sweet words, which really made me envy and hate. After getting off the bus, I said to my husband: You see, people are so old and still so sweet. We've only been married for a few years, and you don't pay much attention to me, let alone hold hands and say what I want to hear. I envy them! Who knows the husband said: envy? Can't you see they're not family? !

4. wife:? Some people say that young people will lose their minds in the charming moonlight. Do you think this is correct? Husband:? There may be some truth, remember? I proposed to you in the moonlight. ?

5, the husband and wife quarrel, the wife shouted angrily:? I'm better off marrying the devil than marrying you! ? This is impossible, because consanguineous marriage is forbidden. ? The husband immediately retorted.

6, I am a chubby girl, and my husband is in a long-distance relationship. In other words, the school organizes physical examination, blood test, blood pressure measurement and chest X-ray. Anyone who has had a blood test knows that you should have a blood test on the inside of your arm. The place where the blood was drawn the next day was a little green. I wanted to make my husband feel bad, so I took a photo and sent it. The goods ask me? What happened to the thigh! What happened to the leg! What's wrong! Yao! Yes! Stimulated?

7. There are two mosquitoes in the mosquito net. One mosquito is covered in blood and has a big belly, and the other is empty. The wife told her husband to drive away mosquitoes, but the husband killed one mosquito and did nothing to the other mosquito. The wife asked:? Have mercy! Can't do it? The husband said: if the evidence is insufficient, don't kill the innocent. ? The wife immediately opened the mosquito net to drive away mosquitoes. The husband said: you are releasing the tiger to the mountain. ? The wife said: acquitted. ?

8. A friend and his wife bought a pair of lovers shoes together. Men's shoes are size 40 and women's shoes are size 37. His wife wears the wrong clothes for work. As a result, I found out in the company that I ordered my friend to mix and match another pair of 40 and 37 and exchange them with her. My friend fought back, stuffed a 40-yard foot into a 37-yard shoe and rushed over to change it. Q: Why not take the mistake directly and why should you be punished like this? A: Is it too much trouble to carry shoes?

9. The husband has a bad temper and always scolds his wife. When his wife avoided seeing him, he called his wife's cell phone and scolded her. Later, he wanted to quarrel, which made him sad and broke his money. It's not worth it. So he said to his wife: We joined the free call package for couples. Please give me a copy of your ID card. ? The wife said, how many minutes can you avoid it? He said:? Three hundred minutes. ? The wife said: No, I don't want you to scold me for 300 minutes. ?

10, "Looking at" Palace Lock Heart Jade ",my husband said enviously:? Alas, if only a beautiful woman had crossed over and loved me before. ? Lily:? If you do some business or something, let's smoke and fall in love together. ? My husband was overjoyed: If you know me, your wife will know me. ""Lily:? Stop laughing, Dalang, and go and make a cake. ? "

1 1. My wife doesn't understand the truth of insurance and thinks it's a waste to pay the insurance premium. My husband quickly explained that insurance is for you and your children, in case I die; You are also guaranteed! The wife retorted, what if you don't die?

Husband: Remember to remind me to attend Nick's birthday party. Once I tell you, I won't remember. Wife: In that case, please tell me your passbook password and lover list.

13, the husband listlessly said to his wife: We are running out of money this month, but we haven't paid the electricity and medical bills yet. It seems that we can only pay a sum of money. Which one do you suggest we pay first? Electricity, of course. Even if the medical expenses are not paid in advance, the doctor can't cut off our blood vessels!

14. The husband told his wife his happiness: Today is really lucky. I bought a lock and asked the salesman how much it was. He said one yuan. I paid for it and opened it. There are still two keys in it, but he forgot to charge me for them. His wife was very happy when she heard this. She said quickly, keep your voice down so that no one can hear you.

Classic female humor jokes

1) Pigs can't talk, but only hum with their noses. Just like some girls, they always say: Hum!

2) I heard that your mobile phone doesn't have short message function, so try sending this short message. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not my SMS, please reply to me: I have it, it is yours!

3) A jet fighter roared past in the sky, and the bird was surprised to see it. Bird: Mom, why does that bird fly so fast? Mother Bird: Try setting a fire on your ass!

4) It's really tiring to marry a wife. I washed my feet, rubbed my legs and beat my back, and then slept in bed with me, as if I hated the old society and my hands were full of bitter tears!

5) Think about your feelings: cooking without salt; Apples should not be too sweet; Smoke less; Forgot to bring money when shopping. I will miss you when I have time, and I will miss you when I have no time. If I really can't spare the time, I'll do nothing but miss you!

6) One mountain and one plum, who do you love? I want to get along with you, and no one can stop me. I turn yellow as soon as I go to bed. I'm crazy. I will do it when it is yellow, that's what I do.

7) A jet fighter roared past in the sky, and the bird was surprised to see it. Bird: Mom, why does that bird fly so fast? Mother Bird: Try setting a fire on your ass!

8) If you feel cold, please call me! Please talk about feelings, work and life, introduce me, invite me to dinner, please say so, borrow money from me and please hang up.

9) Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jonina. She fell in love with a girl named Shade. They look at the stars together. When the meteor crossed the sky, they named it Jonina Shading Star.

10) I can't eat in the morning because I miss you. I can't eat at noon because I miss you more. I can't eat at night because I miss you crazily. I can't sleep at night because I am hungry.

1 1) There is a conspicuous big wooden sign hanging behind a truck, which reads:? This car had a collision with other vehicles, and as a result, there was only a slight loss. Please be careful! ?

This is your first swimming lesson. An hour later, you say to the coach. I think that's all for today. Why? I really can't drink any more. ?

13) emergency reminder: there may be tornado weather recently, so be sure to take two dumbbells when you go out to avoid being blown to the west by strong wind. Those who are underweight must double.

14) pigs can't talk, but only hum with their noses. Just like some girls, they always say: Hum!

15) I heard that your mobile phone doesn't have SMS function, so try sending this message. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not my SMS, please reply to me: I have it, it is yours!

Women's humorous jokes boutique

1) A good friend of mine stayed up late and bought two bottles of coke to drink on his way home. This idiot is probably confused on the internet. He shook the coke vigorously, unscrewed the lid and wrapped it in his mouth. Seeing his mouth bulging more and more, the idiot wouldn't let go, and then, then I watched his nostrils start foaming?

2) I am a sister, with a lovely mother and a naughty father. One day, it rained and suddenly thundered, scaring my mother who had been afraid of thunder and lightning to scream, and my father hurried forward to comfort her. Honey, don't be afraid. I will protect you. ? I am so envious that I said to my father: Dad, I need protection, too, okay Dad said without looking back, it's enough for me to protect my wife. I don't care about other people's wives. ?

3) My boyfriend asked me: Which bag do you like? I took a look:? The red one. ? Boyfriend smiled:? Fool, that's not a famous brand. Don't be afraid, just pick what you like. It doesn't matter how expensive it is. ? My heart warmed up and I pointed to Lu:? Just her. ? My boyfriend gave me a kiss, then started the motorcycle and rushed to the woman.

4) When eating, the mother told her daughter: Baby, you should eat more vegetables of all colors. According to the book, the more kinds of colors, the more complete nutrition? . ? With that, she pointed to the food on the table and asked, How many colors do you see? The daughter answered without thinking:? Six, counting the burnt ones, a total of seven! ?

5) When I went back to my dormitory last night, I saw a buddy eating instant noodles in a hurry, looking at his watch while eating and saying:? MD, it's about to expire? Me: .....

6) ? Didn't you say you always wanted to marry me? Yes, I did. But this is not straight! ?

7) A buddy got married and was blocked with a red envelope. The red envelope on his body is full, but if he doesn't open the door, the groom will shout directly? Silly wife, is this all our money? Hearing this, the bride sighed and ran to open the door herself.

8) The company has a handsome guy, burly and tall. My MM, who once fell in love with the company, was also fallen in love with him. I am jealous that all aspects of his business have also been appreciated by the leaders. So one day I invited him to dinner, and finally I grabbed his hand and said, in fact, I like you for a long time. I know this kind of love is wrong. You don't discriminate against homosexuals, do you? He ran away in horror, and I was always kind to him for the next few days. Then he resigned, and I found that I was too fucking witty!

9) When I went to the kindergarten to pick up my son, I found that he kept staring at the girl who was eating candied haws across the street, and his saliva almost fell to the ground. I asked him, "Do you like it?" The son nodded. I said, "then dad will buy it for you." The son hesitated. After a while, he finally made up his mind: "Dad, it's wrong to sell children. ?

10) introduced an object to colleagues. When she came to the company the next day, she threw her bag on my desk and shouted at me angrily. What girlfriend? What the hell are you introducing me to? ? I asked innocently:? What's the matter, not to your liking? She roared angrily:? What a nice bird! I asked him if he had a room. Do you know what he said? ! ? I asked:? Male ... . What did he say? ? Colleague said:? He said it was already open. Let's go! ?

1 1) Female colleagues complain in front of the computer:? It's been several days. Why haven't you come yet? It's really annoying A colleague suddenly replied:? Don't scare me. . . Isn't that the safety period? I mean express delivery. . . ? oh . . ? The air in the office is a little quiet now.

12) Recently, a beautiful woman came to the company and threw herself at the boss. She wants to have an affair. The boss said ungrateful to her, if I'm not married, I can still consider it. I'm married. Are you attracted by my money or by me? If you have a crush on my money, that's impossible. If you have a crush on me, I'll go home and discuss it with my wife and see if I can apply to sleep with you for one night. The beauty left with a black face and didn't come to work the next day. The boss hugged the female secretary in the office and said, demo, TM found out that she is my wife's best friend.

13) A female colleague in the office suddenly said: I always feel that my son doesn't look like me. Could it be that my husband cheated on me? Everyone didn't react at first, and suddenly they all looked at her in surprise. . .

14) I once went to the station to meet the account manager, but I was surprised to find that I brought a beautiful woman. The beauty dragged a suitcase behind the manager, and the account manager introduced: Xiao Zhang, the financial manager. Talking about the hotel all the way, I decisively opened a large suite, and no one objected! On the way back, the driver said, boss, it's time for you to check in. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you made a mistake? Me:? Stupid, people travel in business suitcases. How can this be wrong? ! ?

15) The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

16) One hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas ~

17) One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout out what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want. So the three of them decided to have a try. The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! " The next jump is really full of beautiful women waiting for him. The second is a bookworm, shouting "book, book, book!" " Then, he jumped into the valley and got books full of pits and valleys. The third is an indecisive person. He can't decide what he likes best after careful consideration. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful thing, so he went to the edge of the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and scolded, "Shit!" Unexpectedly, an unstable center of gravity fell into the valley.

18) Xiaoming, who will have an exam tomorrow, is watching TV at night. Xiaoming's mother asked anxiously, Have you read all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow. Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it. Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow. Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean, Mom, I think it's over? .