Matt Hagrid: The reason to live (1)

"In the end, it takes more courage to live than to commit suicide." -albert camus's A Happy Death.

1, "Depression will lie"

A typical symptom of depression is hopelessness. You have no future. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that both ends are blocked, and you are trapped inside. If I had known earlier that my future was much brighter than everything I had experienced before, one end of the tunnel would have been blown to pieces and I could have seen the light. The existence of this book proves that depression can lie. Depression can make you have the wrong idea.

But depression itself is not a lie. This is the truest thing that has ever happened to me. Invisible, of course.

For others, it seems irrelevant. There is a fire in your head, but no one can see the flame. Because depression is largely invisible and mysterious, it is easy to breed prejudice. Prejudice is especially cruel to patients with depression, because prejudice affects thoughts, and depression is a disease of thoughts.

When you are depressed, you will feel lonely, and you feel that no one is experiencing what you are experiencing. You are too afraid to show a little madness and hide all the pain in your heart. You are too afraid that others will alienate you, so you keep your mouth shut and don't say a word. What a pity. It's useful to say something. Words (spoken or written) are the link between us and the world. Talking about it and writing it down can help us connect with each other and our true selves.

In a sense, it was reading and writing that saved me from the darkness. Since I realized that depression would lie, I wanted to write a book to share my experiences and face depression and anxiety. This book has two purposes, one is to weaken the prejudice about depression, and the other is perhaps a bit unrealistic ambition-trying to convince people that when you are at the bottom of the abyss, you will never have a clear vision. I wrote this book because cliches are the most real, time will heal, there is really light at the end of the tunnel, and there is always a silver lining behind the dark clouds. Words can set you free sometimes.

2. Different experiences of depression

Everyone's brain is unique, and so is the way they fail. My brain goes wrong in a slightly different way from other brains. Everyone's experiences may overlap, but they will never be exactly the same. We can use such general terms as "depression" (or "anxiety", "panic disorder" and "obsessive-compulsive disorder"), but we should realize that different people will not experience exactly the same.

1000 patients with depression have 1000 kinds of depression in their hearts. The forms and degrees of pain are different, and the reactions caused are also inconsistent. In other words, if a book is only useful if it accurately reproduces our experience, then the only book worth reading is written by ourselves.

Depression, panic disorder and suicidal tendency are not right or wrong. Accept them as they are. Pain is like yoga, not a competitive sport. But over the years, I have found that I have gained relief and hope by reading stories about people who are in the same boat suffering, surviving from pain and overcoming despair. I hope this book is the same for you.

3. Why is depression difficult to understand?

It is invisible.

It's not "feeling a little sad"

The name "depression" is not accurate. Reminds me of a flat tire. It's punctured and I can't move. Perhaps this is the feeling of depression without anxiety, but depression mixed with fear is not like this at all. (The poet [Melissa Broder] once tweeted: Which fool calls it "depression"? Why not say "My chest is full of bats, and I see ghosts"? At the worst of your illness, you will find yourself thinking in despair: I would rather get any other disease than suffer any physical disease. Because the mind is infinite, so is its torture.

Depression can also be happy. Just like you can be a sober alcoholic.

It doesn't always have obvious reasons.

It can "infect" millionaires, people with soft hair, people who are happily married, people who have just been promoted, people who can tap dance, play poker magic, people who can play guitar, people with tight pores, people who are happy with their status updates-in short, people who look depressed for no reason.

It is so mysterious that even people with depression can't learn more.

4. "Want to be a lizard"

Matt Hagrid recalled trying to end his life:

The sun is burning. The air smells of pine trees and the sea. The sea is there, just under the cliff. The cliff is not far from me, and there are not many steps. I don't think it will exceed 20 levels. My only plan is to take 2 1 step in that direction.

"I want to die."

There is a lizard at my feet. A live lizard. I suddenly feel that it is judging me. Lizards are a wonderful thing. It doesn't die easily. Is a survivor. If you cut off its tail, it will grow back. I won't be depressed and depressed because of this. No matter how cruel and unfriendly the environment is, it can continue to live. I really want to be a lizard.

Behind me is a villa, which is the best place I have ever lived. At present, it is the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen. The sparkling Mediterranean looks like a turquoise tablecloth inlaid with diamonds. The sea is surrounded by a circle of almost white beaches and magnificent limestone cliffs. This situation almost satisfies everyone's definition of beauty. However, the most beautiful scenery on this planet can't stop me from thinking of suicide.

5. "I have a strong desire to get rid of pain."

I finally reached the edge of the cliff. One more step, and this feeling can stop from now on. The choice is ridiculously simple, either move forward or live in pain.

Listen to me. If you think that what people with depression want is happiness, you are wrong. They don't care about happiness at all. It's too extravagant. They just want to get rid of the pain. They want to escape from the burning head, because there, all kinds of ideas are burning and smoking, just like all kinds of old things are on fire. They just want to be normal. If normality is impossible, let yourself go. The only way I can empty myself is to stop living. One minus one equals zero.

But in fact, getting out of that last step is not easy. Depression is strange. Even if you have many suicidal thoughts, your fear of death is no different from that of ordinary people. The only difference is that the pain of living has greatly increased. So when you hear someone commit suicide, you have to understand that death is not terrible for him. Death is not a moral choice. It is a misunderstanding to investigate its moral significance.

6. "Life always gives us a reason not to die."

I stood for a long time. Courage to die and courage to live. To be or not to be. Here and now, death is so close. One more ounce of fear and the balance will tilt that way. Maybe in another universe, I took that step. But I don't have it here.

I have a mother, a father, a sister and a girlfriend. These four people all love me. At this moment, I think crazily, if only there were no them. No, just myself. Love has trapped me here. They don't know how I feel or what's going on in my head. If they can get into my head for ten minutes, they will say, "Okay, okay, really, you should jump. God, you shouldn't have suffered so much. Jump, close your eyes and just jump. If you are on fire, I can get you a blanket to put out the fire. But you can't see the fire. There's nothing we can do. So jump. Or give me a gun and I'll help you solve it. Euthanasia. "

The fire I caught was invisible to the naked eye. The pain of depressed patients is invisible to others.

To be honest, I'm scared, too. What if I'm not dead? What if I'm just paralyzed and then I can't move, and I'm stuck in that state forever?

I think life is always giving us a reason not to die, as long as we listen carefully. These reasons may come from the past-parents who raised us, or friends and lovers; It may also come from the future-the possibility that we will cut off.

So, I'm not dead. I turned to face the villa and threw up all over the floor.

7.black boy

Today, in many areas, including Britain and the United States, suicide has become the leading killer of life, accounting for 1% of the deaths. According to the statistics of the World Health Organization, more people died from suicide than from stomach cancer, liver cirrhosis, colon cancer, breast cancer and Alzheimer's Harmo's disease. Suicide is usually caused by depression. It can be said that depression has become one of the deadliest diseases on earth. Depression kills more people than other forms of violence, such as war, terrorism, domestic violence, personal attacks and gun attacks combined.

Depression is a malignant disease, which urges people to commit suicide in a different way from other diseases. But people still don't think that depression is really that serious. If they thought so, they wouldn't say those words.

8. In this case, people will only talk to people with depression.

"Well, I know you have tuberculosis, but fortunately it's not more serious, at least it won't kill you."

"Why do you feel that you have stomach cancer?"

"Yes, I know, suffering from colon cancer is very painful, but try to live with people with colon cancer. Hey, it's a nightmare. "

"Oh, you said you have Alzheimer's disease? Tell me about it, I have always had this disease. "

"Oh, meningitis. Come on, the mentality is supreme. "

"Yes, yes, your leg is on fire, but it's no use complaining all the time, is it?"

"OK, OK, there may be something wrong with your parachute, but don't be discouraged."

9. "Don't talk nonsense, just drink medicine."

Drug is a very attractive concept, which is true for patients with depression, pharmaceutical companies and even the whole society. It emphasizes the idea that "all problems can be solved through consumption" (this idea has been forcibly instilled in us by countless TV advertisements); It encourages an attitude of "don't talk nonsense, just drink medicine"; It creates a gap between "self" and "others", and everyone can freely express irrationality. In michel foucault's words, this society is castrating us and demanding that we be normal, even if this is the reason for our madness.

But I'm still afraid of antidepressants and anxiolytics. In addition, their names-fluoxetine, venlafaxine, propranolol, zopiclone-sound like the bad guys in science fiction movies.

After taking valium and sleeping pills, I won't feel "better", but I still feel uncomfortable. All drugs can do is create a little distance. Sleeping pills force my brain to slow down a little, but I know it's useless. Just like many years later, I started drinking again, and I often used it to drown my sorrows, but I knew that anxiety would be waiting for me the next day, plus a hangover reaction.

I don't want to stand out against all drugs, because I know some drugs are effective for some people. Sometimes, they can paralyze the pain and let the real healing work begin. Sometimes they are part of a long-term treatment plan. Many people cannot live without drugs. But for me, since Diazepam made me panic attack, I have been afraid to take medicine, and I have never taken any antidepressants (even drugs for anxiety and panic attack).

10, meaning pain

I am glad that my self-repair does not depend on the help of drugs. In the absence of "anesthetic", I have to actually experience the pain, which means that I am fully familiar with my own pain and very alert to any subtle ups and downs in my mind. But I also think that if I am not so afraid of taking medicine, the pain will be relieved. That kind of relentless and lasting pain, the thought of it makes me panting and my heart pounding. I remember sitting in the back seat of the car, and great fear was about to engulf me. I want to stand up and touch the roof with my head. I want to climb out of my body and get rid of my skin. My mind is spinning. If there is a pill that can get rid of this fear, I will take it. If there is anything that can alleviate my extreme mental pain (yes, that's the word), maybe I will recover more easily. But not taking medicine keeps me in tune with myself. I know exactly what can help me (exercise, sunshine, sleep, intense emotional conversation, etc.). ). The vigilance brought by not taking medicine finally helped me regain my life. If I take medicine, the numbness and unreality brought by the medicine may make my recovery more difficult.

1 1, there is no panacea.

Professor Jonathan Rottenberg, the author of Depth and an evolutionary psychologist, wrote a passage on 20 14, which was surprisingly comforting:

How to better cope with depression? There are no magic pills. Treating chronic pain makes us understand that it is difficult for us to overturn the inherent reaction of body and mind. On the contrary, we should follow the emotional clues and pay attention to the root cause of depression-overworked and too little sleep. We need more vocabulary to describe emotions, and consciously look for tools to interrupt depression and prevent it from turning into a longer-term and more serious state of depression. These tools include changing our way of thinking, changing the events around us, emotional relationships and physical conditions (through exercise, meditation or diet).

12, I am a loser, a quitter. I have accomplished nothing and my future is hopeless.

Actually, Ian and I don't get along very well. Yes, he invited me to a "boys' lunch", drink beer and play billiards. But in the meantime, they kept telling dirty jokes, talking about football and abusing their girlfriends, which I hated. This is the first time I 13 have felt so out of place. Andrea and I plan to arrange our livelihood properly so that we don't need to go to Ibiza in summer. But one day during my lunch break, I felt a strong gloom hanging over me, as if dark clouds were floating above my soul. I can't stand calling people who don't want to listen to my calls anymore. So I quit my job and left. I am a loser and a coward. I have accomplished nothing and my future is hopeless. I'm sliding down the abyss, and I'm about to become the prey of depression. But I didn't realize it, or I didn't care. I just want to escape.

13, "Interpretation Style"

In Teaching Optimistic Children, Martin seligman put forward the concept of explanatory style:

There is a psychological state related to self-esteem that is regarded as the main factor affecting self-esteem, and that is "explanatory style". This mentality is the key to optimism. When a child behaves badly, he will ask himself "why". His answer always includes three aspects: whose fault is it? How long will it last? How many aspects of my life will be affected? These three different aspects are very important, because the first question: blame yourself or blame the world-control the feeling part of self-esteem; The second and third questions: the persistence and generality of the event-control his response to failure. Feeling discouraged about yourself will not directly lead to failure, but believing that bad things will last a lifetime and endanger everything will directly make children choose to give up. Giving up will lead to more failures, and failures will damage children's self-esteem.

14, the fact of depression

One in five people 1 person will experience depression. (Of course, the rate of mental illness is higher than this. )

Worldwide, the sales of antidepressants continue to rise. Iceland has the highest sales volume, followed by Australia, Canada, Denmark, Sweden, Portugal and the United Kingdom.

Women who have experienced severe depression are twice as likely as men.

Anxiety and depression are the most common in Britain, followed by anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, "pure" depression, phobia, eating disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and panic disorder.

Women are more willing to seek and receive treatment for mental health problems than men.

If one parent is diagnosed with depression, the probability of a child suffering from depression is about 40%.

15, "I am eager to live with other people's consciousness"

At your lowest point, you will mistakenly think that there will never be another person in the world who has experienced such a bad feeling. I pray that I will be one of those pedestrians, any one-88-year-old, 8-year-old, that woman, that man, even their dog. I am eager to live with their consciousness. I can't stand this cruel, constant self-torture. I feel that only when I see ice everywhere can I put my hand on the hot stove. The feeling that I will never find inner peace makes me exhausted. It pains me that every positive thought is stillborn.