The malignant tumor of conflicting marriage between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

In modern society, the "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship" is known as the "killer" that damages the relationship between husband and wife after extramarital affairs, and is a "cancer" that truly affects the quality of marriage. Some people also say that "mother-in-law" is a battlefield where fireworks are always going off. In the light case, the family will be filled with smoke, and in the case of the serious case, the marriage will suffer a "heroic sacrifice". The topic of "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" is a very sensitive word for friends who have entered the siege of marriage. It can be said that among the many factors that affect marital happiness and family harmony, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has become the "killer" that damages the relationship between husband and wife after extramarital affairs. Some people jokingly call it a "cancer" that affects the quality of marriage and is a major cause of family civil war. It can be seen that its impact and harm are extraordinary, and it has become a "required course" for young men and women before entering the marriage hall.

Some people say that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a natural and irreconcilable class conflict. "If you take a wife, you will be dead." Of course, this statement is biased, but it also makes sense. Corresponding to this is another kind of family relationship, which is completely different. ——"Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship". As the saying goes, "ten sons-in-law have nine relatives" and "one son-in-law has half a son." What a strange world! It is incredible that the contrast between the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" and the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" is so great due to the same family relationship generated by the bond of marriage. Perhaps, this is a true portrayal of real society. Contradiction and unity constitute the richness of life and the driving force for progress. A man comes for consultation, and his mother is less than 50. When she was about to prepare for the wedding, her mother, who had always been very reasonable, suddenly became a little irritable and arrogant, which forced her son to postpone the wedding to adjust his mother's mood. Later, when the wedding date was adjusted, my mood immediately improved a lot. After communicating with her mother, she found that her marriage had been unsatisfactory throughout her life. After several twists and turns, she slowly gave up on her feelings and devoted herself wholeheartedly to her career as a mother and raising her only son. Although she worked extremely hard to raise her son, she still overcame many difficulties because her son was her hope and spiritual support. As long as you have a son, nothing else matters. But watching his son grow up, get married, and have a family, he wants to live his own life. The mother's heart fell to the bottom again, as if she was about to lose something. Especially after the date of my son’s wedding was decided, this feeling became stronger and deeper. I was really moody and couldn’t control myself.

The above case expresses a message: after the son falls in love or gets married, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law play a "psychological game" for her son. The mother is afraid that her status will be "taken away" by her daughter-in-law, so she desperately wants to "take back" her due status.

Another couple was newly married. The mother-in-law knocked on her son’s door every night and told her to cover herself with a quilt to avoid catching cold. In the morning, I went to my son's new house to clean and so on, which made my wife crazy.

Moreover, it is common for a mother-in-law to gossip about her daughter-in-law in front of her son.

The psychological reasons for the tense relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

What factors make the mother-in-law have such a psychological mindset? Do you feel that your son will be far away from his mother when he gets married, just like the pain of losing a beloved son? What are the core factors that affect the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

From a psychological point of view, "healthy mother-child relationship" is the key to the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" issue.

According to the perspective of developmental psychology, a healthy mother-child relationship should experience "secondary separation." The first separation is "the birth of a child." The happiest time for a woman is the moment she knows she is pregnant. She is pregnant in ten months, gives birth to a child, and experiences the transformation process from a girl to a woman. When the child is in the mother's belly, it becomes one with the mother. When a child is born into this world, it gradually develops from physical to psychological. The child's "self-awareness" gradually sprouts and grows, and there are two "rebellious periods". This is the "first separation" between mother and child. The result of the "first separation" is that the child changes from being purely dependent on the mother to exploring the world independently, getting rid of the mother's interference as much as possible and becoming independent. If the first separation is successful, it will be a win-win situation for both the mother and the children: in addition to taking care of the children as much as possible, the mother puts the focus of life on herself and still pursues her own emotions, career and growth; the children can develop themselves freely. If the "first separation" is unsuccessful, it will lead to the phenomenon of "emotional attachment" and "interdependence" between mother and child. Especially the mother's own psychological immaturity or emotional frustration, such as single parent divorce, husband's betrayal, family changes, etc. It may cause the mother to put the focus of her life on her child and pay full attention to every movement of her child.

Such mothers are emotionally unbalanced and "love" their children too much, thus putting more pressure and expectations on their children. The children were miserable too. Facing a "perfect" and "strict" mother, it is easy to develop an "attachment personality" or a "shrinking personality." 3354 lies in mother's arms and cannot grow up even if he doesn't want to.

The "first separation" paved the way for the children's "second separation" - getting married and starting a family. If the first separation is unsuccessful, the mother will feel abandoned by the child after the child gets married (from the beginning of the relationship), and the child will also have "new marriage anxiety". 3354 cannot adapt to married life, and even subconsciously expects his wife to be both a "wife" and a "motherly feeling".

This is a very dangerous signal! The mother wanted to return to the previous situation where her son was only attached to her, but reality did not allow it. The mother's behavior is "depraved." ——Emotionally changeable, sensitive, and fragile. In fact, the mother’s psychological need for “behavioral degradation” is “son’s attention”!

Countermeasures to improve the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

1. Cognitive changes: A good "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" focuses on three people: 3354 mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and son. Managing harmonious family relationships requires the efforts of three parties. Taking the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" as a reference, the quality of the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" is generally better than the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship". The key is that the mother-in-law regards her son-in-law as her own son (at least half of a son). When her daughter gets married, she loses the sense of loss of a daughter and instead feels the intimacy and happiness of having a son. This is different from my mother-in-law’s mentality. The deeper a wife loves her husband, the more she will accept her mother-in-law. If she fails to accept her mother-in-law, it at least means that your love for her husband is not mature and deep enough.

2. Mother-in-law mentality: treat your daughter-in-law as your biological daughter, and don’t think of yourself as “someone else’s girl”. Get along with her as you would treat your own children, and all problems will be solved.

Third, the wife’s mentality: take care of her mother-in-law as her own mother, and try to understand the old man’s character or other shortcomings. At the same time, when you have conflicts with your mother-in-law, don't make the "simple mistake" of competing with your mother-in-law for your husband. No matter how much your husband loves you, you can't replace his mother's weight. In addition, you can only be his wife, not his mother. If so, your marriage is in danger.

Fourth, the son’s mentality: he is the “diplomat” who mediates the “relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law”. Many "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships" are caused by "silly sons". If the "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship" is inherently sensitive, then the son's role in the relationship and his function of coordination and negotiation will become increasingly valuable.

5. "Don't remember the night grudges": Once "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law" friction occurs, it is key to deal with it immediately, communicate directly, and establish an effective conflict handling mechanism based on true feelings. Some "relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law" are good at first, but later the friction is hidden in the heart, forming a "cold war" between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which is very harmful to the family relationship.

To sum up, the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" is not a scourge, but a family relationship between two generations, which can be improved through human efforts. No matter what happens, there is no right or wrong, and there is no need to pursue right or wrong. All disharmonious factors are at work in human psychology and can be resolved with wisdom.

For a happy family, let us all learn to be wise mothers-in-law, wives and husbands!