I have been raising my children full-time for two years, and I don’t want to be close to my parents and relatives anymore. What’s going on?

I feel the most about this issue because I am a full-time mother who takes care of my children.

Being a full-time employee means that I have to be with a baby all day long. I have almost no time to myself. I can’t go to class reunions because my baby will burst into tears whenever I leave. , I don’t want anyone to coax me; let alone shopping, I haven’t even walked halfway around the mall, and the child either needs water or milk. The most embarrassing thing is that the child suddenly starts crying and can’t be coaxed, and I feel the surroundings. The strange look in his eyes was like a thorn in his back.

So, I became a member of the family. Since it is inconvenient to go anywhere, I just stay at home. Gradually, I closed my circle of friends, and all I could see was housework and my children's shit. I care about the prices of cabbage and pork, and even more concerned about when diapers are on sale.

Go back to your parents’ home. You have to carry a lot of things for the children in large and small bags. The biggest fear is that the children will get sick if they don’t adapt to the new place. Especially in winter, when you squint in a heated building, it will feel like hibernating. You can go several days without going downstairs. My parents live in a rural area, and the countryside in the Northeast is still very cold. Although there is a local heater, the main reason is that it is not very warm, and the wind comes in as soon as the outer door is opened. Children are very active and like to run around. I am worried that they will catch a cold if they run out.

The most important thing is the psychological change. I suddenly feel that I am getting older. Yes, that kind of feeling like an old mother. I have no social status, no financial source, and worry all day long. Children don't have time to dress themselves up properly, and their inferiority complex grows wildly like spring poison after the rain.

Relatives gathered together during the Chinese New Year. One said that he was promoted to project manager this year and achieved a monthly salary of 20,000; the other said that the safety belt team often travels around the country and stays in luxury hotels; the other said that he uses it for himself The cosmetics are all imported from South Korea. Another person said that enrolling his child in an English language teaching class cost more than 20,000 yuan a year.

At this time, I coaxed the child to stay silent. Yes, except for raising the child to grow up, I had no achievements because I didn’t make any money. I don’t have the confidence to speak. As for traveling for business meetings and buying imported cosmetics, they are far away from me.

Of course, parents also prefer children who are sweet-talking and can make money. Seeing my sister and brother hand over three thousand and five thousand to my parents as soon as they make a move, I feel that it is quite difficult to even get one thousand. Although my parents are talkative, I said I understood, but the feeling of powerlessness in facing life still emerged involuntarily.

Taking care of children full-time is definitely a high-risk job, because it is too easy to lose touch with society. Unless you have an understanding and supportive family to back you up, it is almost impossible to get a sense of accomplishment from it. things. Because there is no financial income, there is no right to speak at home, which will cause a series of psychological problems, such as insecurity, irritability, and pessimism. Experts are right, work is a woman's last resort, and financial independence is the best state for a woman.

So far, I have been raising my children full-time at home for almost four years. At first, I could devote myself wholeheartedly to the baby, but as time went by, I found myself like an abandoned baby, feeling that my body and mind had no support at all. I feel so lonely. Even if my family cares about me, I can't stop myself from feeling this way. For a period of time, I didn’t even want to communicate with others, I just wanted to be alone with my baby.

I have been looking for this answer countless times, but I am not sure. Maybe you have some postpartum depression; maybe you have social phobia; or maybe you are used to being alone... What I want to say is that taking care of your baby full-time at home will inevitably create a sense of loneliness in your soul, and sometimes you will feel that you are not alone. The outside world doesn't fit in.

However, no matter what the reason is, we must overcome this unhealthy condition and try to get rid of it. I think: First of all, you must face yourself, communicate more with your loved ones, and let your family face the problem together with you; secondly, even if you take care of your children full-time, you must develop your own interests, such as listening to music, socializing appropriately, reading, etc. etc., we must take the initiative to contact the outside world; finally and most importantly, we must continue to learn, enrich our knowledge, and better channel our bad emotions.

I am also a full-time mother, welcome to discuss.

Let’s talk about me. My psychological changes toward my mother’s family began after I became pregnant. Before I got pregnant, to be honest, my mother-in-law’s family held a very important place in my heart, and they would give me as much money as they could. Of course, they never asked for it. Especially my mother, who felt that he was very pitiful and miserable, and she always wanted to give him money if I had the chance. She enjoys happiness. But there have been subtle changes since I got pregnant. My husband and I are both from the south. Our two families are about 100 kilometers away from each other, and the elders of our two families have zero communication. After getting married, my husband and I went to the north, 2,000 kilometers away, to make a living. I got pregnant at the end of 2017 and had severe reactions. I couldn’t eat, had no appetite, felt nauseous, and felt very lonely at home every day. It was cold and I had no friends. I wanted my mother to bring my nephew here to keep me company. She didn’t want to. The reason for coming is that it is inconvenient to bring children, which is true. Later I went back. After the Spring Festival, I returned 2,000 kilometers away. My belly was getting bigger and bigger, my energy was getting worse and worse, and I was very tired. In fact, I felt lonely, fragile, and longing for family and company. Because my mother promised to help me during confinement before I got pregnant, I thought that she would have to come sooner or later, so I just wanted her to come earlier. She was always hesitant, saying she was afraid that her son-in-law would be unhappy if she went too early and stayed for too long. In fact, my husband doesn't. The prerequisite for my mother's visit is that she must bring her nephew with her. Okay, just bring her with you. I am also willing, because I really like our little nephew. Don't ask me about my mother-in-law, I don't think so. I urged her several times before she came on May 23, and my due date was July 18. We were able to get along well during this period, but my mother was really tired, which I experienced later when I took care of my children. I also blame myself for not thinking of hiring a confinement nanny. If I'm angry, I asked my dad to buy some dry goods for me to eat during the confinement period from my hometown. It cost 500, and I had to pay for this money myself. It makes me angry just thinking about it. How many times in my life can I let them spend this kind of money? Don’t they even have enough money to buy something for their daughter to eat? My dad was very angry at that time because my husband had only transferred 1,000 to my dad the day before my mom came. Later I found out that it was impossible for my mother to help me with my confinement with the baby, so I discussed with my husband to let her go back and ask my mother-in-law to come. I was absolutely unwilling to do it, and neither was she, so my sister-in-law was very sensible and asked for leave. The little nephew was taken away, and the confinement period was completed easily. Something happened later that I won’t go into details. I found more and more that my mother only cared about my younger brother and their own family, while my sister and I were just cash machines, so there was a gap in my heart and I didn’t like to contact them anymore.

I have been working full-time for three years, and I feel the same way about this problem, so I would like to answer it. The changes in my feelings towards my parents can basically be divided into two stages.

The background is: My husband and I lived in the south and the north, but we finally got together in Beijing. No matter who we were, we were thousands of miles away. During the confinement period (the first confinement period was helped by my husband's maternity leave, isn't it amazing?) my mother-in-law and mother came to Beijing to take care of me. They met for the first time. Due to the huge difference in living habits, they fell out within two days. Then, just after the confinement period, my mother had to rush back to take care of my sister-in-law during the confinement period (in fact, she had hired a confinement nanny and kept asking my mother to stay in Beijing for a few more days). After that, my mother-in-law had a dark face all day long. , with a sensitive glass heart, said she was homesick eight hundred times a day, so I had no choice but to ask her to go back too.

1. Let’s talk about the first stage, from confinement to one year old, gradually moving away.

To be honest, when they first left, I was very relaxed and even felt that my home was much warmer and brighter. But when the child was 3 months old, he suffered from vomiting, gas, and poor sleep, and her husband happened to be on a business trip. I am going crazy raising a baby by myself. I am extremely tired. I still feel resentful that I haven’t coaxed the baby yet.

I hate being a father for being carefree; I hate being a grandmother for being unreasonable; I hate being a grandma for watching the fire from the other side. Sometimes when I hang clothes, I think of grandma drying clothes like rags and making a mess in the house; sometimes when I look at the children's scratches, I think of grandma who went her own way and used a quilt to cover up the eczema; sometimes I think that they were really cruel and ran away like that. .

Later, I took my children out for a walk and looking for friends most of the time every day. Unexpectedly, some uninformed aunts in the community smiled and said to their faces that it was better for the mother to take care of the children, but pointed behind her back and said that she was the one who drove her mother-in-law away. The aunties’ bad habits made me dislike my mother-in-law and my own mother even more.

Besides, they were far away from each other in the first place, so they became less and less close to each other.

2. Let’s talk about the second stage, from one year old to now, slowly approaching.

As the saying goes, hate arises out of love, and hate comes out of wanting something.

As children grow up with each passing day, joy far outweighs sadness. When the child is less than one year old, he can already walk independently and can speak about five or six words with repeated sounds. When I go out to walk my child, I often look like a proud rooster. So, when the baby was one year old, his father wanted to take him back to his grandma's house to celebrate his birthday. He said he would go home to present a treasure. I always respected him, so we went together. Grandma lost a lot of weight, regretted the confinement incident, and loved her children very much. Although I don't dare to let her come to Beijing again, I have forgiven her. As she said, she had no obligation in the first place.

Of course, I thought, I can forgive my mother-in-law, why can’t I forgive my mother? Does it mean that just because she is closer to me, she has to give me more? But obviously, I have nothing to ask for from her. Occasionally I would go back to my parents' house to stay for a while, and she would be as thoughtful and enthusiastic as ever; when I returned to Beijing, she would miss me and send me snacks she made or specialties from her hometown. I asked for nothing from them, but they felt uncomfortable and wanted to give me some comfort.

I will also blame myself. I have such a hard time raising my children, so why not my parents and my parents-in-law? Every adult was once a child, and every child loves his parents.

Perhaps, when we grow up, our conflicts will deepen and we will not love them so much. But they are old. As strong men, can we be more generous?

During the Chinese New Year, my aunt and my mother chatted, "She seems to be getting older, and she really hopes to have a relative to visit." I felt deeply.

I don’t know if I am getting older or if I am more mature after having children. Your parents may be unwilling or forced to do so, and they may not do what you want, but they still love you, and you should have no doubt about it.

I am deeply touched by the question you raised.

My daughter-in-law is a very cheerful person. Before the second baby was born, because the eldest baby was already 8 or 9 years old, she didn’t have to worry about her studies, so she often gathered with friends and colleagues, and would also go to school from time to time. Fafa Moments, after the second baby was born, my father-in-law and mother-in-law were unable to help take care of them due to their health. During the confinement period, my parents took care of me. When the baby was about 2 months old, the old man also returned home because he had many things to do at home. Since then, my wife has been responsible for taking care of the child. She took care of the child until he was 1 year old before going back to work.

During this period, I could clearly feel the change in the mother's state. Although she still communicated with me a lot, she was almost in a state of interruption with those friends and colleagues. She took the ingot with her every day. Playing, cooking, doing housework, and watching online dramas and mobile phones while taking naps with the children. When I asked her why she didn’t post on Moments, she said it was boring and she didn’t want to share. She also felt that there was nothing to talk about with her friends.

However, this state gradually recovered after she went back to work, but she no longer posted on her WeChat Moments.

I didn’t think much about this change of state before, thinking that she might be too tired from taking care of the child.

However, after I quit my job early last year and became a full-time dad, I gradually began to experience this feeling.

Before resigning, I had a 19-year career and reached a mid- to high-level position. My income and position were pretty good, and I was able to gain and achieve. The key was to have a good network of contacts and professional circles. Of course, most of these circles are related to your career, background, and status. All of these can make me feel fulfilled, confident, and full of identity and satisfaction.

But all this has changed dramatically after I resigned. I revolve around my children every day. The vegetable market, supermarket, and kitchen are my main battlefields. I play toys, games, sports, and read with my children. It has become my central job. Between doing housework, hanging clothes, and cleaning, I don’t have much time to sit down and rest. My previous jobs, industry fields, and professional knowledge learning all became so far away. The messages sent by "acquaintances" in my circle of friends and the content of chats in WeChat groups became so unfamiliar. I began to gradually withdraw from each group. I began to shrink myself. I don’t know if I became lonely, or if my original lonely temperament began to be exposed. Even in family groups and old friend groups, I began to become more and more silent.

In the past, when chatting with family members on the phone, we could talk about a lot of topics, such as work, society, life, current affairs, history, humanities, everything could be talked about for a while. Now, the focus is all on With children, there are very few topics to talk about.

Moreover, realistically speaking, even relatives, especially relatives of many people, are really powerful. When you have a job, you have a generous annual salary, connections and resources, and can help people solve problems. The problem is, I was so kind to you, but now I have become a person who doesn’t make money but only spends money. I am living off my wife, so I don’t have so many words to get close to you. This society is indeed very realistic.

I had this experience before. I am familiar with many of my colleagues at my wife’s workplace. After I resigned and went home to be a full-time dad, a colleague of hers who didn’t know the details said in front of the two of us. He told me in a joking tone, why not come to work as a security guard in our company, the salary is not bad, I became angry at that time, and immediately attacked him, I said that I used to be a senior person in charge of corporate IPO and listing financing in the company. Management, IT and financial industry, your position as a security guard is too demanding, I can't do it!

The reality is this. Taking care of children full-time requires you to face a lot of internal and external pressures. It is important to learn to regulate your emotional state!

I have now opened my eyes to the fact that taking care of children full-time has a lot of fun and gains that others cannot experience. The relationship with the children is stronger, and the children's mental and comprehensive abilities can better develop in all aspects. Develop in the desired direction, read books and write by yourself, communicate more with your wife and children, and lose a lot of utilitarian things. When the children need their father, they will not hear "Dad is busy, you go find mom" In this case, you can have your father's company at any time, and you can cook for your children and wife every day. This kind of life is very simple and very happy!

I feel the same way! I don’t want to be close to anyone, and sometimes I feel lonely! I have been working full-time for ten years because I had no one to help with the kids. The mother-in-law's reason is that she has to play mahjong and whoever has the child will take care of it. The mother-in-law’s reason is that her mother-in-law should help take care of the child!

I haven’t stayed at my parents’ house or my husband’s house in so many years. I always go there and come back the same day. Neither my husband's family nor my mother-in-law's family has a room for us. In my mother-in-law's family, the married sisters and their families all lived in my mother-in-law's house, so there was no room for me; in my mother's family, when my brother got married and renovated, he tore down my room and there was no room for me.

When the child was young, he was an outsider in both his mother-in-law’s house and his natal family. When I go back to my mother-in-law's house, she wipes her mouth after eating and goes to play cards; when I go back to my parents' house, my father thinks I don't work and doesn't look down upon me. In the past few years, my children have grown older and older, and they always think of me when they get sick or whatever. I am "a mute who eats Coptis chinensis and cannot express his sufferings"!

My husband is very filial and thinks that what his mother said is right. He, his parents, and his sisters are a family! As long as I have different opinions, it means that I am too busy and petty! Just like this, my mother-in-law and aunt no longer care about my husband, and say all the time that he doesn't care about the family or his sisters! The year before last, my husband was kind-hearted, but his sister misunderstood him. His sisters took turns talking about him. From then on, I realized that he and I are family!

It is not easy for a daughter-in-law to survive in the cracks, where her husband's family refuses to help but still bullies her, her mother-in-law's family refuses to help but still rejects her, her husband is foolish and filial, and she really wants to die! I have spent the past few years full-time in depression! Still on the road to recovery. Only those who have experienced it will know the hardship and fatigue of being a full-time mother!

Because I am tired, no one cares and understands me, so I have tired thoughts, so I need to know how to relax and balance

Let’s talk about my history of blood and tears! I haven’t been working since I was pregnant! The eldest is three years old! Born in Beijing! When I was first pregnant, my mother-in-law offered to help me take care of the baby. I was very happy! After giving birth, I discovered that she didn't know how to take care of the child, nor was she willing to learn! When the child gets older, I want her to take care of it! He made all kinds of excuses to stall me again! One moment he said that it’s okay if his waist is tight, and the next moment he said that I won’t make any money from taking care of your child! In fact, my mother doesn’t do anything all day long, she just plays mahjong every day! I said wait until I get to work and see. I will give you a thousand yuan for living expenses first, and you won’t have to spend any money on the child! It's all on me, and you don't have to pay for the food at home! My mother thought about it, what should I do with my rent? The apartment we lived in in Beijing at that time cost one thousand a month! I calculated that if I let my mother take care of the child, I would need to pay her at least two thousand yuan a month.

Later I thought about bringing it myself! Because I really don’t feel at ease letting her take care of the children. My mother smokes and would feel uncomfortable if she doesn’t play mahjong for a day! In this way, she embarked on the road of being a housewife in a confused way! A week and a half after my first birth, I unexpectedly became pregnant again! In fact, our conditions as a couple are not good, so we scraped together the down payment for a house! Add in the daily expenses of baby milk powder and diapers, and it’s really a waste! But I have to give up my life! So I started conceiving! Even though I have a big belly, I can still take care of my eldest son, but my mother has never been able to help me! Yes, I still have a mother-in-law! My mother-in-law has been living in the countryside and has a brother-in-law at home! It’s impossible to come to my side and help me take care of the kids! I am a very strong person, and I feel like there is nothing I can’t do! During the day, my husband goes to work, and I am at home cleaning the house, cooking, washing clothes, and taking care of the kids! Take the kids out for a walk during the day! Basically, the child’s father doesn’t have to worry about anything, he just comes over and plays with his phone after dinner! Just like that, the day before I gave birth to my baby, I was still holding my eldest son and going out to play. Soon the second eldest child was also born! In fact, I am quite happy, with a son and a daughter! There is almost no one to take care of me during confinement, and I don’t get any kind of superior treatment! I finally got through confinement! I started taking care of my two children, doing laundry, cooking and cleaning up the house! It was pretty good at first, taking the two kids out for a walk every day! People in the community said I was awesome, I was so capable! As we gradually got to know each other, they all said I was pitiful! In fact, I don’t feel that I am very tired, but after talking about it too much, I feel that I am very pitiful! Since having a second child, life has become more stressful! My husband earns so little! It can no longer meet my previous expenses! Everything you buy must be calculated! My children are getting older and naughty, and I feel tired! Especially when the child is crying! I feel headache and tired! I was irritable and started to lose my temper with my child! Even yelling! I finally turned into what I hate the most! I rarely call others, and I don’t dare to call my mother-in-law! I'm afraid they'll look down on me! At first no one wanted me to marry so far away, so I had my own way! I don’t call my husband’s family to complain, it’s useless if I do, it will only make others laugh at me! As time went by, my child’s father began to not understand me and made fun of me everywhere! All my grievances and sorrows can only be vented in the dead of night! Because I know, it’s useless even if others know! I thought about leaving, but look at the immature children! I am extremely reluctant to give up. If I leave, my child will be dead! I'm so pitiful, I can't let my children be like me! ......... Having said that, I feel a lot better! I hope I can regain my previous mentality soon and live a good life! For the sake of the children!

Because they can’t help you when you need it very much, and even add trouble to it, how can you get close to you?

I really feel the same way.

The problem is that I have only had my child for 5 months. There were great psychological changes during this period.

The first is confinement. My husband and I are not from the same place. So there is a big difference in thinking. My mother-in-law is from a rural area, and my family is also from a rural area. Although it is a rural area, the gap is really huge. Fortunately, I found a confinement nanny. During the confinement period, my mother-in-law slept in the house, turned on videos, watched videos and danced on her mobile phone. When she liked to move, she came out to see the child. When she didn't like to move, she didn't care about anything. If you just say that you don't have to do anything to have a confinement nanny, that's all. After the confinement period, you may need some help after the confinement nanny is gone. No matter what, I still play video chat with people all day long and sleep.

Because during the epidemic, my mother-in-law hurried back to her hometown after confinement. When I got home, I complained to her daughter, saying that I was in a bad mood, that her son listened to me too much, and that my husband and I never really let her eat when we were eating. While talking, I cried. This is what his daughter said. well. I stuffed whatever delicious food she had into her mouth. People also said she didn’t want to eat it or didn’t like it. I told her to try it, but I didn’t say anything else. I really got cold-hearted after that, and she didn’t like it either. I came to see my grandchildren, and I felt like I didn’t want to see them at all.

The problem is that my own mother didn’t even come to see me after I had a caesarean section. I was taking medicine for colitis but she didn’t dare to help me take care of the baby for two days. I stayed at home with her all day. Those girlfriends go shopping, dance and drink tea.

In short, after giving birth to a baby, you will find that many things have changed. You can only rely on yourself. Now I am thinking about how to make some money while taking care of my baby. The pressure of life is really too great.

I hope we moms will get better and better.